It is almost frightening what thoughts come to me while I read, ponder, pray and meditate upon the state of the Catholic church today. The distance from my seminary thinking and where I am now is truly a paradigm shift. 

For example, while watching TV one day there was a native dance being shown, feathers, drums, costumes. From my teaching of Native Studies at university I knew this was a very spiritual thing. The thought came out of the blue. How come the native spirituality after hundreds of years, never ended up being institutionalized like other religions? The follow up question of course was, do we need institutionalized religion? And then a friend gave me a book to read, by Diarmuid O Murchu, called Reclaiming Spirituality. He shows a distinction between spirituality and religion. Spirituality, he says, has been around for 70,000 years, while formal religions have existed a mere 4,500 years. It makes you wonder how important is church. 

As a child being taught by devout nuns, I was truly anxious about being saved from hell and earning a high place (not just any place, but I wanted a high one, like seats at a football game in my imagination). So First Fridays, rosaries, confession, Our Fathers and Hail Mary's were multiplied. Of course being a priest was even better, so I went that route too. 

Now approaching seventy years, my thinking has sure changed. I am not sure anymore about sanctifying grace, actual grace, venial, mortal, indulgences, "pirogatory" (for us Polaks). Now the more I think that God created the world (universe, etc.) the more I learn about God, spirituality, myself....I'm seeing a relationship growing. And it was there all along, but I missed it (not entirely, I think). 

Years ago I tried writing a thesis on the relationship between psychology and religion. It didn't work then.  Now I think I can do it. I think religion is meant to be a help toward spirituality. Yet sometimes religion gets in the way of spirituality.  For example, the other day I went to church for Mass. There was no priest, so it was a "lay service." I realized that I can commune with God, with my surroundings, my brothers and sisters there and elsewhere. I thought of our Regina Corpus conference and those who were there. Suddenly I had a great heart-warming feeling toward all those who came. There is something about a physical presence that is different than contact by telephone or e-mail, etc. There is a kind of ecstasy. And then the thought came  so those men and women doing the "lay" service aren't ordained. At that moment I was convinced it didn't matter. The effect on me depended on what my faith did with the experience, priest or no. 

So is it not the same with all experiences. It is what we do with what God puts in our path. Catholic religion tells people they can't "consecrate"  do the magic. I honestly believe that the consecration goes on in me with my faith  priest or not, doesn't matter. 

All this thinking has tuckered me out.  My heart swells when I think of you all. 

Emil Kutarna, Regina, Saskatchewan