[Author's Note(s): Um, this thought just came to me. I don't know why, so don't even bother asking. Oh, and if you don't tend to like sad stories, this isn't for you. Enjoy.
If it doesn't make sense, bear with me. It will at the end.]
General POV
"You know the saying, 'You can never say 'I love you' enough'? Most people just say, "Oh thats okay, I say 'I love you' plenty of times." But once a loved one dies, you finally realize, you never really did say it enough."
"What do you mean, Benjamin."
"Let me tell you a story. A story about my four best friends in the entire world, and how they aren't hear to tell it, themselves.."
"You sure you want to do this Benjamin?"
"Yes sir. And please call me Benji."
"Okay Benji. Go ahead. You can stop at anytime."
"Okay."
And the story begins.
Flashback. Benji's story
Just another day.
"Beeennnjiiii!" My brother called after me.
"Joooelllyyy!" I mimiked him.
"Take us to the mall!"
"Why? Go yourself, dumbass." I said, throwing myself down on the couch.
"Paul's car is broken, my car is getting worked on, Chris doesn't have a car, and, well, you know Billy's." He chuckled a little bit sitting right next to me, giving me his "puppy dog eyes." Billy's car was a death trap. I swear it was.
"Does everybody wanna go?"
"Uh-huh." He said, snuggling up to me. He always used to do that when we were kids and he wanted something.
"Fine. Go get my keys."
"They're in your pocket." He said, sitting up now. I pulled them out and stood up.
"INTO THE CAR EVERYBODY!" I yelled to them. Billy and Paul started running out of their rooms and out to the car. I watched them fight for the passanger's side, Paul finally gave up.
Chris came walking normaly out of his room and stood by me and looked like he was pondering the meaning of life.
"Mall?" He asked me.
"Mall." I said. He nodded and walked calmly out to the car, "Go get in the car Joely. I need to find my cell phone."
"Oh you won't need it! Come on Benji!" He started to tug on my arm, leading me out of the house. I barely had enough time to lock the front door. I crawled into my seat and looked at the other three, besides Billy, bunched up in the back.
"Seat belts." I said.
"Just go Benji!" Joel whinned again.
"Seat belt Billy! Or are you too cool for safety." I laughed. He rolled his eyes and buckled his seat belt.
"Okay, happy?" Joel said, pushing my seat.
"Do that again and I'll dump you off at some trailer park in Alabama." I said sternly, looking back at him.
He stopped and sat back. I heard Paul and Chris snort and Joel try to hit them both, but Chris stopped his hand.
I turned the engine on, and heard the sweet rumble of my car going. I loved my car.
"Ready?"
"YES! We're ready Benjamin. Just go already! Mall closes in like, five hours!" I shook my head and backed out of the driveway. Billy automatically turned on the CD player and pushed a CD in. I pushed the eject button and it popped back out. He pushed it in, and I pushed it back out.
"What are you doing?" He asked me, pushing it back in.
"I am NOT listening to Silverchair the whole ride there." I laughed and ejected it. He gave a little "hmpf." and sat back. I pulled it out and put it in it's CD case between the seats.
"Yeah, we'll we're not listening to Rancid the whole way either!" Joel said.
"Okay then! What do you guys wanna listen to?" I said, now getting annoyed.
"Just put in Mest." Paul said, leaning his head against the window.
"Okay, whatever." I said, pushing in Destination Unknown.
"Watch it Benji!" Billy said, holding the wheel. I took my hands off and we swerved a little.
"Sorry. Nobody's dead though." I said, laughing and went back to driving. Every so often I'd yell out my window "Watch it jackass!"
People on the road that day were very wreckless.
"Slow down Benji! You're driving like a mad man!" Joel said. I looked in my mirror at Chris, since he had been quiet lately.
"You okay Chris?" I say, completly ignoring Joel.
He nodded his head and smiled.
"You seem pretty quiet." I say, looking back to the road, slowing down a little.
"He's always quiet. You know that Benj." Billy said to me.
"Yeah, I guess." Chris continued to smile, "Strange guy, that one." Billy laughed a little bit.
We drove for about twenty more minutes. When we finally got into the mall parking lot, it began to rain.
"It's raining." I pointed out, finding a parking spot and turning off the car.
"One. Two. Three!" Billy called out. We all threw open our doors and started running to the front door, except for Chris, he threw his hoodie hood on and walked calmly. I imagin Billy was only running because he didn't want his eyeliner running. He usually loves the rain.
When we got inside, Joel started jumping around, looking in all the store windows. I shook off my coat, and I saw Billy shake his hair. Chris finally made it inside and looked at us calmly, smiling.
"Er, okay then. Where do you guys wanna go to first?" I asked, putting my arm around Billy. We're really good friends. I love him. I mean, I love him as a friend. I would never be able to love my best friend. It would ruin our relationship.
"SPENCERS!" Joel screamed. I rubbed Billy's neck a little and took my arm off him. Joel ran to Spencers' and motioned for us to come over. I looked back at Chris, and he was happily looking around, quiet as ever. Joel soon disappeared into Spencers' and started looking at everything.
"Hey Billers. Look at this." I say, walking over to their hoodies. I saw one of his LeVel 27 hoodies neatly folded up. He smiled and picked it up.
"Cool, so at least people see my stuff." He said still smiling and putting it back perfectly on the shelves.
"Joel! Put that down!" I laughed, noticing Joel was entertaining Paul by showing him a box of flavored condoms. He frowned and placed the box back where it was.
I looked around for Chris, and noticed him mesmorized by a lava lamp.
"Look at Chris." I whispered in Billy's ear. He turned to look at him and laughed a little.
"He's a strange one, isn't he?"
"Yeah, but its sorta, cool. You know?" I said, turning back to Billy. He looked at me strangely, "C'mon, lets go see what Joel's up to." I laughed and put my arm around his shoulders and started walking twards Joel and Paul.
The rest of the mall "trip" was okay. When we finally got too tired, and too full off of food court food, we decided to head home.
"You guys wanna get going then?" I asked them, sitting down for a moment.
"Sure." They all said. Paul winced a little.
"What's wrong Paul?" I asked him, concerned.
"Just a headache."
"You still got it?" Joel asked, surprised.
"Uh-huh." He said, "But its nothing. C'mon, lets just go." He said, rubbing his forehead.
"Okay, lets go before Paul passes out on us." I said, laughing a little bit.
"Funny. Really funny Benj." He said, leading the way out of the mall. When we got to the front door, I noticed it was raining harder then I have ever seen.
"I didn't think it rained this hard in Chicago." I said, pressing my face to the glass.
"I guess so." Billy said, following my move. I fogged up the glass and wrote "FUCK ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKING BITCHES" on it. Billy laughed, but Joel didn't.
"Benji! Don't do that! You're gonna corrupt the minds of little five-year-olds into swearing!" He said, rubbing it off.
"Fine, fine. Lets just get into the car in a hurry." I said, laughing at Billy since he was having a silent laughing fit. It's good to see him laugh. He doesn't get social a lot in public.
Joel turned back to the door, "One. Two. Three, RUN!" He said, he opened the door and ran out, along with Paul. Chris, again, casualy walked out like nothing was going on. I quickly wrote, "JOEL IS A PUSSY." Billy started cracking up.
"C'mon. Lets get going." I said. It was already dark out, and the rain wasn't helping. I took Billy's hand and ran to the car with him. He ran a little faster then me, but I tried my best to keep up with him.
"Joel! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE LICKER!" I screamed through the window. He tends to think it's funny locking the door on me, with him having the keys on the inside and me outside.
He started cracking up and shook his head. I motioned for Chris to open it and he reached over and lifted up the lock, earning an evil look from Joel.
"Thank you Chris." I said, managing to spray Joel with all the water I had soaked up. Billy climbed in the other side and leaned back, pouting.
"Oh stop pouting. It was funny." Joel said, leaning back now.
"Joel. You were the only one who thought that was funny." I snapped at him.
"Paul thought it was funny."
"Paul thinks everything is funny. No offence Paul." I said.
"Well, Chris thought it was funny."
"Chris doesn't even talk! How would you know if he thought it was funny!" I said, looking back at him.
"Shut up." Joel said, giving in.
"Everybody ready? Seatbelts on?" I said, looking back.
"Yeah, yeah! We're all ready! Just go already!" Paul said, leaning his head against the cold window-glass.
"Okay, okay!" I said, turning the engine on.
"Just don't drive like a lunatic, okay Benj?" Billy asked me sincerly.
"Okay, I'll try." I laughed. Of course I wasn't gonna drive at 80 mph in pouring down rain. Rain that made it almost impossible to detect where one car ended and another began, "You guys cold? I'm cold. I'm gonna put on the heat." I said, reaching over to the heater dial.
Nobody objected so I turned it as high as it went. Billy rubbed his hands together as a signal he was freezing.
"The heat'll warm you up." I said, "You want an extra jacket?" I asked him.
"Uh-huh." He muttered, shaking violently.
"Chris, I think there's a jacket under my seat, can you hand it to me?" I asked him. He looked under my seat and pulled out a black MADE jacket, "Thanks Chris. Here you go Billers." I said lifting him forward and draping it over his shoulders. He put his hands in the arms and cuddled up into a ball. I was about to tell him to sit straight, but it looked like I wouldn't have won anyways.
I regret not doing that.
Cut in
"And then what happened Benji?"
"I-I'm getting to th-that."
"It's okay to cry. Really. It is. What you've been through has been tough on you phisically and mentally. Don't feel that you have to keep that bottled in. It's not healthy to not cry every-so-often."
"Uh-huh. S-So, any-anyways."
Benji's Story
We pulled out of the mall parking lot and started traveling onto the main road.
"It's so hard to see." I said, squinting to see through the rain.
"You got your contacts in, right?" Joel asked me, a hint of fear in his voice.
"Yeah, I got them in. That doesn't mean they help though." I said, my nose practically touching the front window.
"B-Benji? Maybe we should pull over or something. You know. Wait for the rain to clear." Joel said, leaning across Chris to see out the window.
"Y-Yeah. S-smart thinking. I'll just pull over next place I can." I said, trying to FIND a place to pull over.
"Benji, watch out. There's so many stupid drivers out." Joel said, worried now.
"Benji! Watch out!" Billy said, pulling the wheel so we avoided a car that was stopped right in the middle of the road.
"FUCK!" I said, helping him. We hit the side railing and I just stopped the car to take a breath, "Everybody okay?" I asked looking back at Joel's frightened face, Chris now looking a little scared, and Paul's face pressed up against the window, "Paul? You okay?"
"Yeah. My head just hurts."
"From the headache, right?"
"Yeah." He said.
"Joel, make sure he's okay."
"He's fine!" Joel said, annoyed.
"Well just check to make sure dumbass!"
"I'm okay, alright!" He yelled at me.
"Well you don't look- AARGH!"
Cut off
"B-Benji? Do-Do you want to stop? We can if you wa-"
"No. Really. I-It's ok. It-It's so hard. So hard to tell this."
"I know Benji. I know. We can stop at any time. Remember that. And it's okay to cry."
"I-I know." Tears streamed down the young man's face, "Where was I?"
"Paul said he was okay, and then you screamed."
"Okay."
Benji's Story
Our car was hit from behind by a green pick-up, and on the side by a black van.
"Guys? GUYS, speak to me! Joel? Billy? Paul? CHRIS?" I yelled despritly.
Joel was slumped over Paul, who was bleeding from the head. Chris's head was slumped down, but I could tell he was bleeding heavily. I looked at Billy, who's seatbelt was tight around his neck. I quickly took it off and sat him upstraight. His forehead was bleeding, and his eyes were closed. A shooting pain was going through my head. I felt blood trickle from my forehead down my neck.
"Cell phone. Cell phone. Where is my fucking cell phone?" I practically screamed. Then I remembered. I was rushed too fast to grab it, "Stay with me guys! Oh please don't die. Oh my god, please don't die on me. You guys are my life." I began crying and searching through everything in my last attempt to find a cell phone. I searched Billy's pocket and found nothing but a pen and a peice of paper that was torn out of a notebook.
Then there was the light. No. Not a bright white light. Red and blue. Then there was the flashlight in my eyes.
"Anybody who can hear this, give me some sign you're alive!" I heard a voice say.
"I-I'm still here." I cried.
"Anybody else? ANYBODY ELSE?" It said again. When I heard nothing, that's when I cried even harder.
I blacked out and found myself in a hospital bed.
"Where are they?" I immeditly said, sitting straight up, now that I had woken up.
"Please lay back down Mr. Madden." A nurse said, walking to my side.
"No. How long have I been in here and where are my friends? Where's my brother?" I asked pushing my feet off the bed.
"You've been in here only for about a half an hour, and your friends are in other rooms. Now PLEASE Mr. Madden!"
I didn't even bother to acknowledge her. I walked straight out of the room and to the reseption desk.
"Billy Martin, Paul Thomas, Chris Wilson and Joel Madden." I said to the lady.
"Are you related?"
"I'm best friends with them all and Joel's my brother!" I said. God, CAN'T ANYBODY LET ME SEE MY BEST FUCKING FRIENDS?
"Okay, sir. Mr. Martin and Mr. Wilson is in room 34, Mr. Madden is in room 29, and Mr. Thomas is in surgery right now."
"Thanks" I said, no emotion in it. I took off to the elevators. It's gotta be on floor 2. "Come on." I said, pushing the button. Not fast enough. I took off up the stairs and ran straight into a long hallway.
"Watch it sonny." An old guy said to me. I took off down the long, white hallway.
"27. 28. 29." I said to myself.
"No. Sorry sir. Nobody can come in yet."
"BUT I'M HIS TWIN BROTHER!" I screamed.
"Family or not, nobody is allowed yet. Name?"
"BENJI MADDEN!"
"You can wait outside until you're allowed in. Until then, please try to control your temper." Control my temper? What the hell? Was I in some damn horror movie?
I took off down the hallway again, and got outside room 34.
"Billy! Chris!" I cried, going to Billy's side. A nurse was aiding Chris, but both of my best friends looked as good as dead.
"Sir! Please! Sit down in the corner or something!" She hissed at me. I looked at her in the most coldest ways possible but continued to stand next to Billy.
"Billy? Billy please hold on. Don't leave me-us. Don't leave us. You'll be okay. I swear you will."
"Sir. If you do not sit down and be quiet, I will have someone esquort you out of the building."
"Oh shut up. If you can't tell, my four best friends in the entire world are almost DEAD. And you just expect me to sit down and take this calmly?" I spat at her.
"SIR! SIT DOWN!" She said, starting to walk over to me.
"I'm sitting, alright?" I said. God, the last thing that could happen to me is me get kicked out and wait to see if they survive or-. No. I can't say it. If I were to say it, then it would make it final. No. They will get out of this alive. I looked over to Billy's machine. It was barely moving, but at least there wasn't a long, steady beep. I at least know what that means.
I sat down to one of the uncomfortable chairs next to Billy and put my head into my hands. I wondered how Paul was doing. He was in surgery, that must not be good. Oh god. Don't let Paul die either. Next thing I know, is my hands are just drenched in tears.
I must have fallen asleep, because a doctor came over to me and gently woke me up.
"Sir? You may see your brother now." He looked grim, but at least he hadn't said the "d" word.
"Is-Is he okay?" I asked him, my voice shaking.
"Maybe. We don't know yet. It's way to early to tell. He looks really bad. You are really lucky you only came out with a knock on the head. It's a miricle. You must have done something really good to let god get you through this. You're a lucky one Madden." He said. I got up and followed him out the door, down the long hallway. I'm starting to get sick of this hallway. "Please don't talk loud, don't touch him, and if something may happen-"
"Which it won't." I said. Well, actually, more of demanded.
"If something were to happen, I'm going to have to wish you will leave the room for us." He said, almost completly ignoring my comment.
I nodded my head and walked in. Joel looked really bad. His head was covered in bandages, and he was completly motionless.
"Joel." I whispered. I quickly walked to his side, and respected the request by the doctor- don't touch him.
"He cannot talk. I don't know how many of his abilities he used to have, he will have anymore."
"I don't care about a thing today, I used to but I'm fed up, And I can hear the words you say, I wish that you would shut up, I've got responsibility, That is my liability" I sang to him. It's his favorite song, and he swears that I sing it better then him.
"Sir? We need to do more tests on him. You're gonna have to leave the room." He said to me, as another doctor appeared in the room. I nodded, wiped away my tears, and walked quietly out of the room, twards Billy and Chris's.
I got to the doorstep of Billy and Chris's room, and heard the worst sound that one could possibly hear. The sound of death. The long steady beep coming from a monitor.
"CHRIS? BILLY?" I screamed and ran inside. Billy's monitor was fine, but Chris wasn't so lucky. "Chris!" I cried out again. I couldn't talk. This wasn't happening to me. Every sound in the world stopped except that one long beep. The nurses were screaming at me to leave, but I couldn't hear any of it.
That beep will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I got pushed out of the room. Chris was dead. The nicest, yet quietest, guy I knew, and will ever know, is dead. He's gone and will never be coming back. It's like that rabbit I had when I was younger. I thought that I had lost my life when I found it dead. That seems so silly now. A real life human is now dead.
"S-Sir? Can we talk to you?" Three doctors came up to me.
"W-What about?" I weeped.
"About your friend, Paul."
I looked into his eyes. Nothing happy was about it. My insides froze over. I lost my breath. Come on. Don't let him say what I think he's gonna say.
I nodded my head and he took me to a room.
"Your friend. Please Mr. Madden. Please sit down."
No. I refuse this to happen. When someone says 'Please sit down', I'm not that thick to know that something bad happened.
I sat down and felt tears run down my cheek.
"He-He didn't make it. He would have. He would have survived the crash with just a few scars, but something was wrong with his head when he collided with the glass. Did he say he had any problems with it?"
"Y-Yeah. He-He h-had a head-, a head-ache." I cried even more.
"That would explaine it. I'm very sorry, Mr. Madden. I really am." He shook his head and lowered it. This has got to be a dream. I cannot happen. What did I do to have this happen to me?
"Sir? Can we borrow Madden for a couple of minutes?" Another doctor came in. I turned around and he was looking as grave as every other doctor that has spoken to me.
"Sure. Like I said. I am so very sorry." Tears were now staining my cheeks.
I got up and left with the other doctor.
"This is gonna come to the biggest shock ever, Madden."
"W-What ha-happened?" I wimpered.
"It's your brother." He said.
"J-Joel? Wha-What ab-about him?" I obviously knew what. One-by-one, my friends are dying.
"He-He, he's passed. He was your brother, right?"
"Twin. Twin br-brother." I cried even more and sulked down to the floor, "W-What about B-Billy Mar-Martin?" I cried into my knees.
"I don't know. I'm not his doctor. I can find out if you want."
I nodded my head and stood up. I followed him to Billy's room and then walked to Billy's side. His machine was still going, so at least he's not dead... yet.
The doctor talked to another doctor, then came over to me, "He's gonna be, well, you know the term, a 'vegitable.'"
"He's just gonna be a useless lump?" I said a little harshly.
"Y-Yes. Now, over time, he might be able to communicate... through signals or blinking. The only way he can stay alive, is if we keep him hooked up to these machines."
"A-Are you tr-trying to ask m-me if, I-I wa-want to... let him go?"
"Well, that was the intention. It would be your wish to have him pass-"
"Is he in pain right now, or would he be in pain if we unhook him?"
"W-We think he might be in slight pain right now, but he would go peacefully." He said. A hard lump rose to my throat.
I slumped to a chair and cried the most I've ever cried, and ever will cry. All of my friends are either dead, or a vegitable. I don't want Billy to die, but it would be too selfish to keep him in pain and barely even living. I heard the doctor pull a chair in front of me and sit down. I felt his eyes gazing on me.
"There's no rush in your decision." He said quietly.
I finally said, ever-so softly, "Le-Let him go."
End of Benji's story.
"Those were the hardest words one could say."
"I know Benji. I know."
"But you don't. Nobody does. Nobody has lost their entire band, and all of their best friends in one night. Nobody has lost their only remaining family-"
"What about your dad? He's still alive, isn't he?"
"He's as dead to me as Billy, Joel, Paul and Chris are."
"I-I'm so sorry Benji. I really am. I have no further questions. They would be way to hard on you."
"Okay."
"Thank you so much for your time Benji. You told your story so soon after this all happened. That's gotta be tough."
"It'll be two weeks, tomorrow. You know, when it happened."
"Is there anything you would like me to get you before I leave?"
"No sir."
"Okay then. I thank you once more. I'll go call your esquorts."
"Okay."
"Benji? You wanna go now?"
"Yes sir."
"Okay. Come on. Stay close, there's tons of reporters out there. You don't need to answer any of their questions. The car is waiting."
"Yes sir."
Outside
"Benji! Benji! A word please!"
"Benji! How does it feel that you were the one who pulled your best friend's plug?"
"Benji! How does it feel that your band is now over with?"
"Benji! What are you gonna do now that you have no more family left? No friends left?"
"HE'S GOT PLENTY OF FRIENDS! BACK OFF BEFORE I GET THE POLICE IN HERE!"
"Benji! What was your brother's last words?"
"Benji! Where are you gonna live now?"
"Get in the car Benji. Don't listen to them. They thrive off of making people feel like crap."
"Yeah. I know."
Alone in Benji's old house
I cannot take it anymore. I've got nowhere to live, and people are just being extra nice to make sure I don't do anything extreme.
Crying doesn't help anymore. This has got to end. Nobody truely knows how this feels. Yeah, I've got Tony, Lars, Tim, and the others, but it's not the same.
If I end it all, I'll be with Billy, Chris, Joel and Paul again.
But if I end it all, I'll be losing even more people.
Is it worth it ending everything I love now?
But what I love is dead.
But I could start over. Start again.
But that's almost thinking the impossible. I can never get my friends, my brother, back.
But I would be losing Tony, Tim, Lars, all of my other friends.
But they don't know how I feel. Nobody does.
That doesn't mean I should end it anyways. I've always got Cash.
But he'll die someday too.
But he's not now. Don't think about that far ahead in life. Don't think about that stuff.
It's sorta hard not to though.
Well things are gonna be hard in life. But thats what seperates the dead, from the living.