journals

September 28, 1862
    I'm worried. We are so close to this city and soon I will not have the children to keep me busy and happy and I will have to find my own life. I could not sleep because of the worry and now I can not sleep because of something else that I will explain now. As I sat by my fire that was just red coals, all wrapped in a blanket cause it sure is getting cold at night, Colier came by. Now I guess I should say that he really is not a boy, he's as close to a man as any. He's older than me and taller by at least a foot. Anyway - he sat down and fiddled with a stick on the ground at his feet and he started talking, asking me what I would do in Salt Lake City and I told him I still didn't know yet. He asked if I would join his church and I told him no. He didn't talk for a minute and asked me why. I said I didn't believe a person had to go to church to be good and believe in God. He said that was true but asked what if it was the true church? I told him I never heard of such a thing. Well he leaned forward and started telling me all about his feelings for the church and their Book of Mormon and I was touched by the way he felt and what he said. He said he cared about me and could I see fit to look into the church and try it out. I told him I wasn't sure. Well he talked some more about it and about how his poppa died trying to get his family here with the saints because of his beliefs. I told him it would be nice to believe so strong in something like that. While he talked I could see Brother White sleeping under the wagon with Samuel snuggled up to him. It made me feel all peaceful and then I heard Colier stop talking.
     He kissed me! Just like that he quit talking and just looked at me for a minute and before I knew it he kissed me on my lips! I've never been kissed before and I didn't know what to do or what to say. He didn't either because he said he was sorry and got up real quick and left. Now I can't sleep and I can't get it out of my head. Does that mean he loves me or that he just had to do it? I never even saw Bart and Alva kiss so I don't know what to think and I don't know if I should do anything about it or not.

September 29, 1862
    Brother White talked a bit this morning while he ate. He said he heard somebody talking last night with me and asked who it was. I told him it was Colier. He ate some more and then asked what did he want? I said nothing but I knew I was lying and that my face was red and so I said that he just wanted to know what I would do in Salt Lake City. Brother White just nodded slow and I think maybe he wondered too, but he didn't ask.

October 1, 1862
    I saw Colier today. He asked how was I feeling and I said I felt real good. He said that was good and he left. I think he is staying away from me because of that kiss.

July 10, 1862
I walked around our strange new town today. All wagons and beds on the ground, cook fires and people. I counted 84 wagons! I stopped to talk to a new family too but I couldn't understand them and they all just waved at me and smiled. I started to walk away then when somebody talked behind me. They don't speak english he said. I just turned to look at him and asked do you? He laughed at me then and I frowned hard at him but it didn't do no good. I've never seen anybody with hair as bright as his and he was all tall and skinny and looked like wheat flopping in the wind the way he laughed. I went to leave him and he stopped me and held out a hand. I looked at it but didn't touch it. My name's Colier Cranston he told me but it was hard to understand him because he says his words all wrong. Hello I told him. He smiled at that but I didn't think it was funny. What's your name? He asked me. I told him my name and said that my Momma used to call me Kate. I don't know why I told him that but he just said you're not french. I told him no but my Momma was. He asked where she was and I just told him I don't have a family no more. He got quiet then and I told him I had to get back and help Brother White with his little ones. He walked with me part way but I wouldn't look at him or talk to him so he left when we got close and ran back to his wagon.