The Novice Tourney From Hell

by Barnabas of White Waters
(Sing to "Hells Bells", by AC/DC)

Novice tourney is coming here
  I should know, 'cause I volunteered
To autocrat, it'll be a song,
  What could possibly go wrong?

What's that weird howling that I hear?
  Those big black dogs that are drawing near?
I didn't know there were vultures here--
  Perhaps it's not as easy as it appears...

  We've got the fighters, we've got the feast
    Prepared for everything from worst to least
  I've got experience, everyone can tell
    One thing this won't be is the:

   NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
   IT'S THE NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL

Driving to Drakken Leira, it's pretty hot
  Just 6 A.M. and it's ninety-ought
Weather records will bend and break
  Could it be I've made a mistake?

Get to the site, first thing I hear
  The refrigerator that was coming here
On the pickup truck is metal scrap
  Five hundred dollars won't be coming back

It's getting hotter, three digits now
  Just ten thirty, I don't know how
Fighters can think of putting armor on
  Keep the waterbearers going strong

  The sun is blazing, we're sweating like pigs
     Hallucinations about air-conditioned digs
  Heat makes you stagger, saps at your will
    Welcome to the tourney, this is the

  NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
   IT'S THE NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL

The sun is setting, and it's not too soon
  For some reason we can't see the moon
I didn't know there were mountains there
  Why do I feel static in the air?

Black clouds building out past the woods
  Wind is rising, doesn't that feel good!
A little rain would be very nice
  Because just about ran out of ice

Now wind is shrieking, a bit to intense,
   Tarps are coming down, and half of the tents
The dealers now decide to pack as well
  They want to cut and run from the:

  NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
   IT'S THE NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL

The lights go off all over town 
  Blasting rain, hailstorms all around
Canvas doesn't work too well in this rain
  Don't go out side, or you'll be in pain 

Next morning my tent had rolled down the field
   Our things were soggy, drying on our shields
What else could possibly happen to me?
   Oh, of course! -- The Queen's coming to tea!

  Teapot and scones are now waiting here
    Walking through sunlight, her majesty appears
  Her dog beside her, he pauses to squat
    You know what happens then, at the

  NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
   IT'S THE NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL
     NOVICE TOURNEY FROM HELL