My adventures began the night I opened my eyes in Micromary's lab, deep in the recesses of the APEC fortress.

We've been told, we Kai clones, that our creator, Micromary, made us from a small sample of skin given to her by Ariel, who somehow obtained it from the original Kai.  Ariel knew the secret of preventing the sample from seeking to reunite with Kai's body, and she passed this information on to Micromary, who, through her scientific genius, manipulated the DNA and created all of us.

In the beginning, I was terrified.  I had memories, confused and vague.  Later on, I would be told that these memories were not mine, but were implanted by Micromary.  They were copies of our father Kai's memories, and while they were incomplete --- I believe Micromary edited them heaavily to protect us --- they allowed us to function as adults, rather than having to undergo the lengthy learning process of children.

There are many of us now.  But only one came before me.  He went to Remma, the High Priestess of APEC, and we've heard little of him since.  We hope for his well-being.

And I ... well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I remember being startled awake by a very loud crashing noise, followed by the sensation of falling and a sudden, deep silence.  I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the floor amid a tangle of tubing, shattered glass, and oozing yellow goo.  The room was dark, lit only by irregular flashes of lightning through a tiny, barred window.  Each flash illuminated the rows of large glass vats lining the walls of the room, and the shadowy figures that floated in each one.  Thunder crashed against the walls of the room, making the liquid in the vats quiver and the floating figures shift slightly.  I stared at them in confusion and fear, the knowledge dawning on me that I was one of them.

There was something over my face, a mask with some kind of tubing, and I clawed it away, dislodging the tube from my throat.  My body was unclothed and wet with the yellow goo.  Shivering, whether from cold or from fear I do not know, I opened my mouth to cry out and immediately vomited up a large quantity of the liquid.  For a time, I stayed there on my elbows and knees, my forehead resting on the floor, too weak to move.  And then I heard voices.

"I don't know," said one, beyond the door opposite the window.  "The power went off, and then there was a crash, like something broke."

I scooted backward, into the shadowy space between the base of the shattered vat and the next one, and I cowered there.  I understood, somehow, that this was a laboratory of some kind, and that there was a storm going on outside, but I did not know who I was or why I was here.  I began to panic.

The door opened and a beam of light shot down the aisle between the lines of vats.  Two dark figures stood in the doorway.  In a flash of lightning, I glimpsed white coats, but could not make out any other details.

"Uh-oh," said another voice, a female's.  "Look there.  It looks like one of the vats has come apart."

I shrank back further in the shadows.  There were footsteps coming closer.  The light traced a path on the floow between the vats.  I whimpered.

"Listen," said the first voice.  "Did you hear that?"

"Algernon, look.  The vat's empty.  Oh, I hope the programming was complete before the power went off!"

The light played over the mess on the floor, and then stabbed between the two vats where I crouched.  Panicked, I jumped to my feet and ran for the open door, shoving the two figures aside.

"Quick!" shouted the female.  "Stop him before he gets outside!"

But in my fear, I was too fast.  The male grabbed for me, but I was covered in the yellow goo, and slipped out of his grasp.  I made it through the door, skidding into the wall of the corridor.  I lost my balance and scrambled to get my feet under me, and then I was running without any idea of where I was going.  My memories jostled and screamed in my head, making no sense, but telling me that I was in danger and must get away.

Behind me, I heard the female shout for me to stop, calling me by a name I couldn't make out.

I reached the end of the corridor, where it branched off both ways.  To the left, I glimpsed a set of glass double doors, and I was running full tilt toward them when a man stepped through and clotheslined me straight to the floor.  I lay there for a brief moment, stunned, and then I rolled and struggled to get my feet under me.  Some instinct told me I must fight, and that my body would know what to do.  But as I crouched, ready to spring, the lights came back on, and I froze.

I was looking at the man standing above me, a pale-skinned man dressed in black, with ink black hair piled high on his head.  He stared at me with dispassionate eyes and an air of stillness that belied his readiness to kill me.  But I was also looking at myself, my crouching image reflected in the glass doors behind him, black hair wild about my naked shoulders like an animal's.  I stared at that image, and then at the man.  His face and mine were identical, down to the crimson streak that curved from the outside of the right cheekbone down to the corner of the mouth.

As I wavered in shock, the man and woman from the laboratory caught up with me and pulled me to my feet.  The woman immediately wrapped me in a blanket and began rubbing my arms through the cloth to warm me, because I was shivering uncontrollably.

"Shh, shh, shh," she said, smoothing my wet hair back from my face.  "It's all right.  You're safe."

"Who are you?" I whispered, holding onto her hand.

"I'm Micromary," she said, smiling and holding me close while she continued to rub my arms and back.  "Don't be afraid of me."

"Who am I?"

"Well," she said, "that's a long story.  For now, let's call you Kai2, since you're the second of the batch.  This is Kai1."  She gestured to the man in black.  "And this is Algernon, my lab assistant."

The lab assistant grinned at me, winking, and wiggling his nose.  Before my eyes, he morphed into a white mouse and back into a man.

"I'll go back and check the other vats," he said, starting off down the corridor.  "The programming may need to be reset for some of the others."

"Let's get you cleaned up," Micromary said to me.  "Thank you, Kai1.  I can take it from here."

I stared back at him as she led me away.  He watched us go, still as death, never changing his expression.

She put me into a hot bath, both to wash off the goo and to warm my body.

"Your body temperature will stabilize," she told me, "and you'll no longer be as affected by heat and cold as you are now.  The noises will be less frightening, too."  She had noticed my skittishness each time the thunder rolled through the air.  "Your body is still very new.  I only hope your programming was complete before the storm knocked the power out."

"Am I ... like that other one?"

"Kai1?  Oh, yes, you're both clones ... which makes you brothers.  You'll get to know him.  He's been out of the vat for several days now.  His programming is complete and he's adjusted quite nicely.  He'll be going to his new home soon, as you all will be.  Trust me, you'll be very happy where you're going."

She gave me a silky, black, single-piece suit to put on, and some soft leather boots.  I sat in a chair while she combed and arranged my hair in a large bun on top, with a braid down the back, and a single loose lock falling across me left eye.  I asked her why this particular hairstyle, and she smiled and said:  "Tradition."

She told me that I would go into cryostasis to rest, and that this was normal for clones.

"I'm able to manufacture only a limited amount of protoblood, and I don't like to waste it," she said.

"Protoblood?"

Micromary looked worried. "Oh, dear, you're programming should tell you what protoblood is.  Search your memories."

I shut my eyes tightly and tried to remember.  Everything was so jumbled, but finally, the memory came to me:  protoblood was the substance I needed to live.

"But there isn't much available," I said, frowning.

She smiled, relieved.  "Don't worry.  I've synthesized enough for all of you to begin with.  The mistresses whose homes you're all going to may find it difficult to get more, but there are perfectly adequate substitutes available."  She grew very serious.  "There are drawbacks to the substitutes, though.  You must remember to be very careful and not use too much.  Too much will be bad for you.  Can you remember that?"

I nodded like a child.  "I'll try."

She smiled and led me into another room.  This room was very large, with a very large bed in the middle of it.  The lights were dim, and soft music wafted through the air.  Micromary sat me down on the bed.

"Before you go to cryostasis," she said, "I have to check your programming.  Time," she said, "for some Quality Control."

How It Began, Pt. 2

During the Quality Control process, Micromary insisted on testing the limits of my programming to determine if the power outage that occurred at the time of my emergence had any detrimental effect on me.  She seemed concerned that, since my emergence was accidental and premature, my programming might have been incomplete or defective, leading to unacceptable behavior on my part.  At the end of Quality Control, she breathlessly pronounced me fit and whole, but for some days after that, she watched me closely.  I think she meant to do some memory editing, but she forgot.

I didn't mind.  I was eagerly learning about the world.

Our creator believed that we Kai clones must have some exposure to the world outside the APEC fortress before going to our new homes, so that we would be prepared for the pitfalls and dangers we might have to face.  Our programming dictated that we would be completely loyal to our new mistresses, but Micromary did not want us to be too helpless and dependent on them.  Some of the mistresses might think they'd like that, she told me, but her research indicated that it actually defeated the purpose of having a Kai clone.

I was still assimilating the experience of the night of my emergence, including the Quality Control, when she suggested that Algernon should take us --- meaning Kai1, myself, and Kais 3, 4, and 5, who had now also emerged --- to visit the nearby town.  I was especially elated, because I wanted to experience some more of the Quality Control, and Micromary, so far, had not agreed to repeat the process.

"Quality Control," she told me the last time I asked, "is necessary for all new clones to ensure that you meet my rigorous standards before you're released to your new homes.  I have a reputation to uphold, after all, and I'm nothing if not thorough.  But," she added firmly, "QC is NOT just for fun."

I privately disagreed, thinking that it had been a LOT of fun, but I said nothing.  I would never contradict my creator out loud.

So the day came when Algernon collected the five of us in the APEC bus --- sometimes called the Troll Wagon, although I did not know why --- and drove us to town.

We each took a window seat, since the bus is quite large, and sat with our noses pressed to the glass, watching the countryside roll by.  Kai1, being the oldest, and having instructions from Micromary to help Algernon watch over us, tried to maintain the facade of maturity and dignity of a wise older brother, but he didn't fool any of us, and we made fun of him.  We knew he was as excited and intensely curious as the rest of us.

The town is a rather small, quaint place.  The inhabitants didn't seem to notice us when we disembarked in the town square.  Algernon said this was because they were used to strange goings-on at the APEC castle --- there had been epic troll battles in the past --- and also because they were very polite, being mostly Canadian.

He herded us together, and said, "OK, boys, I've got a list here that Micromary gave me.  Things to do," he looked meaningfully at us, "and things NOT to do."

"Maybe later we could go somewhere and see if we can get some Quality Control," I said enthusiastically.

Algernon's eyes widened.  Kai1 curled his lip at me.  The other three Kais nodded and grinned expectantly at Algernon.

"Uh, no," he said.  "I don't think we'd better do that.  Word gets back to Micromary, and I'm not only a lab mouse in a maze again, I'm toast."

I couldn't hide my disappointment.  Algernon began to lead the way down the street.  Kai1 slapped me on the back of the head as he went by, and I yelped.  But they didn't stop for me, and so, rubbing my head, I followed, sulking.  I decided that if there were any Quality Control around, I would find it on my own.
 

How It Began, Part 3

Algernon took us on a tour of the town so that he could show us various places we would need to know about in the service of our mistresses:  the bank, the travel agent, the car dealership.  Kai1 insisted on stopping in an "interior design" shop.  Even then he had a gift.  But Algernon refused to let us stay anywhere for more than a minute or two.  He seemed almost afraid.  I do not know why.

He steered us clear of the hardware store, even though we begged to see it.  We were intrigued by the idea of tools.

"That's exactly what Micromary doesn't want you to know about just yet," he said.

"Why?" Kai4 asked.

"She doesn't want you to be able to get out of the co --- never mind, you don't need to know yet."

Instead, he took us to a boutique, because he said we would be expected to know what kinds of gifts our mistresses might like.  We didn't stay long in that place, either.  The woman who ran the shop kept passing out, and when she wasn't passed out, she dripped an inordinate amount of liquid from her mouth.  We five looked at each other and shuffled our feet, uncomfortable and not sure what to make of this.  Possibly it was a medical condition.  When Kai1 offered her a bit of linen from her own shelves to wipe up her liquid, she passed out again, and Algernon hustled us out.

"This is a specialty candy shop," he said, pushing us into a small shop next door filled with the most enticing smell.  "That's chocolate," he said.  "You'll learn about that later."  And before we could investigate anything, he was shoving us into the street again.

"Algernon, I do not think we are learning anything," Kai3 objected.

Next was the bookstore.  Micromary had programmed us to read, and we were insatiably curious, but when Kai5 came up with the Journals of the Marquis du Sade, Algernon snatched it away and made us leave.

"Micromary can explain this stuff," he muttered.  "Not me!"

The last item on his list was the supermarket, because he said we might be called upon to do some of the shopping for our new mistresses.  He sternly ordered us to stay together, but I thought he was looking a little desperate by then.  I was determined to do as he said, but when I saw so much bounty, I was enchanted and excited like my brothers.  We promptly forgot his instructions and scattered in five different directions.

The food itself was largely irrelevant, as we do not eat, but the brightly colored packaging, the artful (to our eyes) displays, the wide, smooth aisle, even the soothing music coming from the ceiling, distracted our hungry minds.  Algernon tried to keep us together, oh Creator, he really tried, but as soon as he got two or three of us back together again, one would spot something new and we would all be off again.

What happened is not my fault.  Kais 3 and 4 found the candy aisle.  Kai5 discovered Mountain Dew.

I do admit to the carts though.  They were bright and shiny, although not many rolled smoothly.  Kai1 and I decided we would practice this "shopping" for our future mistresses, but we broke several of the carts trying to fix the little wheels until we found two that worked.

First, he put a can of something in his cart.  Then I put two cans in mine.  He scowled and put three more cans in his cart, so I put a BIG box of something in mine.  Then I looked at him and put two more cans in.  Before I knew it, we were racing down the aisles, sweeping boxes and cans off the shelves into our carts, and Algernon was hot on our heels screaming at us to stop.

"We can't pay for all this!" he yelled, waving his arms.  "Stop!"

Suddenly, we were blocked at the end of the aisle by a tall woman who stepped out in front of us like the Angel of Justice and stood there with her arms folded, looking us up and down.

"Hello, Algy," she said calmly to the nearly hysterical lab assistant behind us.  "What do you have here?"

Huffing and puffing, Algernon collapsed against the end display.  "Hi, Cerridwen.  I'm .... puff, pant... babysitting Kai clones."

Cerridwen raised an eyebrow.  "So I see.  I didn't realize they were done."

"Just these five so far.  But Micromary's got your order in."

Cerridwen raised both eyebrows.  "Five?"

There was a whoop at the other end of the store.  Algernon jumped.

"Oh, God," he said, and ran toward the hullabaloo.

Kais3 and 4 were shaking up cans of Diet Rite and popping the tabs at each other.  The store manager stood soaking wet in the crossfire with a mop in his hand, looking totally dumbfounded.

"Kai3!  Kai4!"  Algernon screamed.  "Stop!  What are you doing?"

"Kai5 said this would be fun," Kai3 said, pushing his lower lip out.  "Did we do wrong?"

"We didn't drink any," Kai4 chimed in.  He leaned over to his brother and added, "I told you we shouldn't have listened to him.  He just wanted to get us in trouble."

Algernon picked up the candy wrappers and handed them to the still stunned store manager.  "How much chocolate did you have?"

"Er!" they said together, hanging their heads.  In his nervousness, Kai4 popped the tab on the can he was holding, and the liquid sprayed everywhere.

Algernon wiped Diet Rite off his face and said as calmly as he could manage, "WHERE is Kai5?"

Kai4 pushed out HIS lower lip and pointed to the end of the aisle.  "Around there."

Kai5 sat slumped at the end of the aisle amid a pile of Mountain Dew cans.  Algernon saw with some relief that only two of the cans were empty, but Kai5 was holding a third up to his cheek, crooning to it.

"The can, it's round, so very round, " he sang.  "It makes a lovely fizzing sound."

"They aren't much like the original, are they?"  Cerridwen remarked dryly as she walked up, holding Kai1 and me firmly by the arm.

"I need a drink," Algernon said, mentally crossing supermarkets off the list of things to do for the next batch of clones. 
 

How It Began, Part 4

"Are you sure, Alg?"  Cerri said.  "Seems to me this is one of those things Micromary wouldn't want you to let them do."

"I'm not letting them!" Algernon snapped.  "But it's either a shot of Wild Turkey, or a shot at some bunheads!"

"They're just babies, Alg," Cerri protested.  "They're innocents."

"Hmph," Algernon muttered.  "Seems to me somebody said that about Squish, and look what HE got up to!"

We had stopped in front of the famous Lexx Bar.  We clones knew it was famous because we had heard some of the APEC women in the castle say so.  Algernon and Cerri continued talking, but we had found something else to look at.

"I see Valdron is here today," Algernon remarked.

Parked at the curb --- and filling all of the street, as well as astraddle the opposite building --- squatted several hundred tons of metal.  We excitedly asked what it was, and Algernon replied that it was a robot.  It was modeled after a giant ape, he told us, but we did not know what an ape was, and in any case, it was much too large to determine any general shape.  Craters and gouges in the street's surface marked its passage to this place.  With a mighty metallic groan, it stirred, leaned over, and looked at us.

"Creakies," it rumbled, and we hurried into the bar.

Algernon made us sit at a table in the middle of the room where he could watch us from his seat at the bar.

"Don't move!" he said threateningly.  "If I have to tell Micromary how you five have behaved today, you WILL regret it!"

Kai5, who was still high on Mountain Dew, giggled, but the rest of us sat with our hands in our laps, thoroughly cowed.  We did sneak quick looks around, though, because we were very curious about this place.

The room was large and airy, but with fairly dark, shadowy corners.  Stairs rose to rooms above.  In one corner there was an enormous pile of broken glass (thinking back, I suppose it was from all the broken windows).  A juke box played music, and people sat at the bar and at the various tables and booths, eating, drinking, and talking.  The walls were lined with what Kai1 said were antique pie plates.

"Very kitsch," he said.

"If you only knew," said a voice above us.  A lovely young woman with lacy wings fluttered down from the rafters and settled on the table, resting her elbow on her crossed knee and her chin on her fist.

"My, my," she said, looking us over, "you're a pretty bunch."

"We are Kai clones," Kai1 said.  "We come from the APEC castle."

"I'm VisionAri," said the lovely lady.  "I know all about you.  One of you will be coming to live with me soon."

"We will?" Kai3 said, wide-eyed.

"Well, maybe not one of YOU, but a Kai clone."

So this was a mistress.  We all leaned toward her, eager to learn more.

"Ahem," she said, fanning herself with the tip of one wing.

"Do you know anything about Quality Control?" I asked.  A mistress would surely know this process.

"Quality Control, hmmm, sounds technical.  We always take our technical questions to the resident guru."

She gestured toward a figure seated at a table in one of the corners.  He was a very unusual individual, sitting hunched over a pile of papers, tying tiny knots in a prickly-looking thing (which I would later be told was a fishing lure --- I remember, I --- or my father, Kai, I can never quite figure out --- used to like fishing).  Every so often, he glanced up from under his single, furry eyebrow, and balefully surveyed the room with eyes which shifted color back and forth from eye to eye --- yellow, blue, yellow, blue.  He was quite wide, but not very tall.  I was confident I would stand a full head and shoulders or more above him.  His shoes were mismatched in size, one being enormously larger than the other, especially in the region of the toes.  One arm was also longer than the other, which complicated his knot-tying somewhat.  He seemed to particularly leer at the women in the room.  Nevertheless, he was impeccably dressed.

"Come on, I'll introduce you, and you can ask your question," VisionAri hopped off the table and took me by the arm.

"I'm not supposed to leave the table," I said.  "Algernon is rather upset with us."

"Oh, piffle.  I'll explain it to him.  Come on."

I looked at Algernon, but he was busy talking to some other people at the bar.  So I quietly got up and followed VisionAri to the other table.

"Kai, this is Valdron, Valdron, Kai.  Whatcha doin'?" she said by way of greeting.

"I'm writing a paper," the creature said, "about the metaphysical relationships between the Lexx, the meaning of the universe, and fly fishing.  What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Exactly that.  Um, and these things are related how?"

Valdron looked at her, his eyes winking back and forth:  yellow, blue, yellow, blue.  "The Lexx is an insect.  Fish like insects."

"Oh, yes?  And the meaning of the universe?"

"I'm still working that out."

"Okay.  Well, young Kai here --- um, which number are you?"

"I'm Kai2."

"Young Kai2 here has a question for you.  Something about Quality Control, was it?"

I nodded enthusiastically.  "Yes, I was wondering where you go to get some."

Flash, flash, yellowblueyellowblue.  Valdron's mouth opened slightly, revealing exceptionally long incisors.  "In reference to what?" he asked finally.

"Well," I said, and proceeded to describe the process by which Micromary had determined our fitness for our new mistresses.  But before I got very far, VisionAri was screaming:  "Too much infomation!" and the Valdron creature was gleefully cackling --- a sound that sent shivers up my spine.

The creature stood up and put his long arm over my shoulders.  "Young Kai, my boy.  You sound like a man after my own heart!"

"Then you know where to go," I said hopefully.

"No."  His voice was full of regret.  "My lovely lady Stardancer would dismember me.  No easy task, I might add," he added, "but my lady is a woman of surpassing resourcefulness.  Pity, really, considering my exceptional talents."  And he pointed to his long arm.

"However!" he continued.  "My robot has an Internet hookup.  Let's go ask him!"

At that moment the air filled with a powerful odor I can only describe as being a cross between rotten fruit and Disney swamp water (I've heard my queen use this expression, and I'm not sure what it means exactly, but she assures me it is foul).  And this odor was foul.  Valdron sniffed the air, looking embarrassed, until we both looked toward the door.

The bar had been invaded by trolls.

My programming kicked in.  We Kai clones know trolls.  Micromary has prepared all the Kai clones well for the inevitable battles between ourselves and those creatures of the gloom.  I looked toward my brothers and they looked back at me, but --- none of us was armed!

The patrons of the bar were already springing to action.  Three immediately ran behind the bar and wheeled out a menacing looking machine with a giant tube that could be aimed in any direction with the turn of a flywheel on the side of the machine.

"Ready the pie launcher!"  one of them yelled, and the other two began pulling pies from a cooler in back of the bar and loading them into the machine.  Another woman dragged out a long metal tube with a shoulder rest and a big trigger and hoisted it up one her shoulder, while yet another one rummaged quickly and pulled up a jar of hard boiled eggs.

"No deviled eggs, Mistress of Doom!" the woman yelled.

"Damn!" said the Mistress of Doom.  "Well, hardboiled will just have to do!  Load 'er up!"

Algernon and Cerri ran to the side of the bar, where yet another woman was unreeling the fire house.

"EveningStar," Cerri yelled.  "Tell us what to do!"

"Stand back and watch a woman at war!" EveningStar replied calmly, pointing the nozzle of the fire hose at the trolls.

The trolls stood huddled together, looking around.  The tallest one, who seemed to be the leader, stepped forward, nearly overpowering us with a wave of horrid stench.

"We come in peace," he mumbled through snaggled, broken teeth.  He reached into some nether fold of his skin and drew forth a little plastic box which rattled.

I felt Valdron twitch beside me.

"Chiclets!" he hissed.

The troll nodded and grinned horribly.  "We're your friends.  We only want to help you see the error of your ways."  He popped a Chiclet into his wide, frog-like mouth, and Valdron twitched again.

"Yeah?" yelled the Mistress of Doom, aiming her bazooka.  "And what's the error of our ways, fuzznuggets?"

The troll began to drool and roll his bug eyes.  The others behind him were poking each other and giggling.  "We --- we want to tell you ---"

"Yesss?" purred EveningStar, her hand on the nozzle release.

"That ---" the troll was struggling to hold something back, but trolls are not known to win many struggles, and it burst out of him:  "Lexx suxx!  Hyuh! Hyuh! Hyuh! Lexx suxx!"  He began to squeal and hop up and down, throwing trolldrool in all directions, waving his spindly arms.

The bar went dead silent.  Even the juke box shut up.  Everyone held their breath.  Then, someone in the crowd screamed:  "Let 'em have it, Lexxians!" and all hell broke loose.

The pie launcher took out the troll leader and the two little toadstools on either side of him.  The Mistress of Doom took deadly aim with her bazooka and began nailing trolls one by one, as they ran up the walls and into the rafters, gibbering like chimps.  More trolls poured through the door, and we were forced back.

My brothers and I fought valiantly, even Kai5 who giggled insanely throughout the fight.  But punching trolls is like punching pillows, they hardly react at all.  If only we'd been given our braces, but Micromary had told us we couldn't have those until we'd been properly trained and our mistresses approved.  Pie filling and hard boiled eggs were taking their toll, however, as these weapons have an adverse effect on troll skin.  Something about the effect of vitamins from milk and eggs on skin that has never known the nourishment of anything but spun sugar and fake potato starch.  The trolls squealed every time one of them was hit.

EveningStar sprayed the room with the fire hose (cleanliness being another weapon against trolls), and some of them were washed out the door to the curb, where the ape robot began idly picking them up and pinching them like bugs to hear them crunch.  In the meantime, Valdron, who had taken up position behind an overturned table, was flinging broken boiled eggs and fishing lures at the trolls in the rafters.

"I destroyed Tokyo!" he screamed, laughing maniacally.  "I destroyed Tokyo!  You are DOOOOOMMMMED!"

And doomed they were.  They began dropping from the rafters and dissolving into little gray puddles of foul-smelling goo.  Soon there was nothing left of them but the mess, which EveningStar quickly washed into the street with the hose.  But, incredibly, the war wasn't over!  The patrons of the bar began lobbing pies at each other!

"Victory!" they cried, laughing like loons and pelting each other with pies.  "The trolls defeated again!"

But --- why did they not stop the war?  Instead, they continued to fling food at each other, laughing all the while, until we were all covered with pie filling and pieces of egg.  We five clones stood huddled together, an easy target, and thoroughly confused.

Valdron, impervious to the friendly battle raging all around him, gathered up his soggy papers and what was left of his fishing lures, and walked to the door.  He seemed not to notice the less than impeccable state of his clothes.

"I'm going home now, Lexxians," he said in a very dignified manner.  "My lady Star is awaiting dinner.  Aloha!"

And with that, he was gone.  Outside, we heard a tremendous metallic creak and a groan, and then the floor and walls shook mightily with each robot step away.  The patrons meanwhile, gradually stopped flinging food, and collapsed on chairs or each other, laughing and whooping.

Algernon emerged from behind the bar with a bottle of Wild Turkey in his hand and a wild look in his eye.  He stared at us in dismay.  I looked down at myself and at my brothers, and saw that we were wet, with great glops of pie filling and soggy crust clinging to our clothes.  Somehow, I knew that my quest for Quality Control would go unfulfilled this day.

"I need a drink," Algernon said.

"Do you think Mistress Micromary will be angry?" Kai3 squeaked in a small voice.

Well, I will not repeat what she had to say when we returned to the castle.  I will only say that the dead do not blush.  We were made to go into cryostasis and stay there until our mistresses came to get us, and I understand there were no more field trips for new clones after that.  I do not know if this is because Mistress Micromary ordered it, or if Algernon simply refused to go.

And this is how my life began.  Soon after, I met my queen and the rest is history.  Since I am now assured that she still loves me, I will return with further tales of the APEC and ORAL and their many clones.