Part 1 

Ever since that fine, soft evening at the tail end of April, when Micromary handed out the first Kai clones, Dgrequeen had been languishing in a quandary. It wasn't that her version of the clone, Kai2, or MyKai as she called him, wasn't perfectly satisfactory.  Indeed, it seemed he was  marvelous in every way, performing many helpful chores around the house, providing companionship when The Other was away, always attentive and affectionate. He even had the capability, no doubt brilliantly engineered into his genetic makeup by that innovative scientific mind, Micromary, to make himself transparent whenever The Other was around. 

In fact, MyKai was almost too perfect. Dgrequeen watched him move about the house, lithe and silent in his black silk jumpsuit, his beautiful face set in lines of perfect concentration and peace as he performed his duties.  He never complained. He never questioned. He never hogged the remote so he could flip nonstop through channels. 

No, there was nothing in him that she could find unsatisfactory. The fault, it seemed, was her own. 

Dgrequeen had to admit the impossible: She, the Dragon Queen of Grad School, the Harpy Guardian of Degrees, the Decider of Fates, she who girded her loins and did battle with punks quarterly, was too shy to ply this perfect Kai with proposals. 

There had to be some way out of this dilemma. MyKai, after all, was a gift, and a treasured one. Dgrequeen simply could not imagine giving him up. 

She decided to ask the advice of an impartial observer. 

"MissJean, this is Dgrequeen. I need to ask you a really important question." 

"Of course, Dgre. Always happy to help. What's the problem?" 

"Well, I'm having difficulties with MyKai, and I'm too embarrassed to ask the other Chocolate Chicks." 

"Oh?" 

"Yes, I don't think they'll understand my problem." 

"Which is?" 

Dgrequeen hesitated. "My clone, Kai2, is too perfect," she said.  "He's...Well, I find him...unapproachable." 

There was silence on the line, and then a small sigh. 

"Well," MissJean said patiently, "your first problem is your choice of clones." 

"No, no, MissJean," Dgrequeen said hurriedly, to forestall the lecture on the joys and glories of His Divine Stanley. She had heard it before, knew it by heart, and really wanted to get her problem solved before the summer was over. 

"What I mean to say is," she went on, "there's nothing WRONG with MyKai. Those eyes. Those lips. That...And he never does anything wrong.  He doesn't throw his socks or dirty underwear on the floor, I'm not even sure he wears them, but in any case, if he did, he'd NEVER miss the hamper---" 

"Dgre," MissJean broke in, audibly suppressing her growing impatience. "WHAT, exactly, are you saying?" 

Dgrequeen nervously twisted the phone cord, already a mass of knots, around her fingers, and shifted her weight from foot to foot. "Uh," she said, looking at the ceiling, out the window, at the floor. 

"Hello?" said MissJean. 

"See, the thing is," Dgrequeen twisted the cord harder, "well, you  know---" 

"Spit it out, Dgre. I haven't got all night." 

"Well, there's The Other, you see, and I've been faithful in mind and body, well, body anyway, for years and years and years, so now I have my very own Kai just for fun and fantasy, and I...you know, we haven't...I mean, we never..." 

"You haven't..." MissJean's voice betrayed shock. "Dgre, you haven't ...had chocolate with him yet?" 

"No," Dgrequeen said, her face burning in embarrassment, "I haven't." 
 

The Clone Dilemma 
by dgrequeen 
Part 2 

"What should I do?" Dgrequeen asked. 

"How should I know?" snapped MissJean, blowing out her breath as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I'm more into honey." 

"And Class 4 Security Guard hats," she added after a moment. 

"And I can barely stand chocolate after that last incident," she said finally. 

"I've been with The Other for so long," Dgrequeen said miserably, "that I've completely forgotten what it was like to...have chocolate. He and I, we're more like beefsteak." 

"Wait," Dgre added, "let me rephrase that." 

"Don't bother." MissJean paused, thinking. "Listen. I can't really help you with the chocolate thing. It seems to me you just need a little tension in your life. Things have been too easy for you." 

Dgrequeen thought that over, wondering, after a century or so of family planning, two-income arguments, and trying to vary the menu, just what MissJean's definition of easy was. 

"I don't know," she said doubtfully. "What kind of tension?" 

"You know, dramatic conflict, romantic tension, that kind of thing. Come on, this can't be that hard to work out." 

Dgrequeen and MissJean thought together. Then MissJean said: 

"First of all, is your Kai armed?" 

"Armed? No, I haven't made it over to Micromary's lab to pick up the brace yet." 

"Unarmed then, good. It's simple. Wait until your Other is out, and then pick a fight with the clone." 

"A fight?" 

"Sure. Stanley and I fight all the time. Nothing's as much fun as making up.  And I don't have to worry about HIM lopping my head off." 

"I kind of remember that," Dgrequeen murmured, thinking back to the time before the dinosaurs. "Well, maybe that would work. What should we fight about?" 

"Criminy, I'm not your mother! Think about it!" 

After MissJean hung up, Dgrequeen sat for a while, thinking hard. Finally, she got up and went out to the living room, where MyKai sat peacefully reorganizing the jumbled family pictures in her desk drawer. 

"MyKai!" she said, making her voice sharp. "You're doing that all wrong!" 

"I am sorry, Dgrequeen," he answered mildly. "I will do it over immediately." 

"Never mind." She stood and watched him for a while. Finally, she said, "Hey, can't you do something about that hair? That thing is always falling in your face. And that bun, well, did you ever think about going to a good  stylist?" 

"The dead do not go to stylists," he said, and she perked up, sensing an opening "However," he added, "if it displeases you so much, I will see what I can do." 

She sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. She and The Other had run out of fun things to fight about so long ago that she had forgotten the art of creative domestic discord. Besides, it broke her heart to be disagreeable when she had to look into those deep, shining eyes. 

"MyKai." 

"Yes, Dgrequeen?" 

"What do you know about chocolate?" 

He looked down and to the left, his long black hair falling forward, partially obscuring his face. She'd noticed he did that whenever he was thinking. 

"Chocolate," he said at last, looking up. "From the Aztec 'xocolatl', meaning bitter water. Husked, roasted, and ground cacao seeds, often combined with a sweet---" 

"No, no, no, NOT what chocolate IS!" Dgrequeen flapped her arms in frustration. "I mean, do you know anything about...you know..." 

He leaned forward slightly, attentive. 

"YOU know...ohhh!....about...eating it!" 

Again he dropped his gaze. Then: 

"The dead do not eat chocolate."
 

The Clone Dilemma 
by dgrequeen 
Part 3 

She could have pulled all her impossible hair out with the frustration. She could have screamed and taken the name of the Holy APEC in vain. But none of that would have done any good. 

She debated calling MissJean again, finally rejecting that option for fear of the Stanley lecture. A call to Micromary got only the recording: 

"Micromary is temporarily unavailable due to the increase in requests for Xev clones. If you are experiencing difficulties with your clone, remember that what you see is what you get, and I have problems of my own. Leave your name and number with Algernon, and eventually I'll get back to you.  Thank you, and have a nice day." 

It was, indeed, time to turn to the spiritual. 

"This is Dgrequeen. I'm calling for Remma, High Priestess of APEC, may it reign supreme forever. Is she in?" 

"Hold on," said a voice. 

A pause. Footsteps. 

"Hello, this is Remma." 

Dgrequeen quickly explained her problem. Remma listened without comment until the end. 

"And I need answers pretty fast," Dgrequeen said, finishing up. "I'm supposed to be doing research for The Chocolate Tradition, among other things." 

"Well," said Remma thoughtfully, "it certainly does seem that you have a problem. If we had the time, I'd sign you up for one of my Chocolate Workshops, but as I'll be delivering soon, that's not an option. I'm afraid you're on your own. It's really all just a matter of instinct anyway." 

"But I've been married too long to have any instincts!" Dgrequeen wailed. "Aren't there any self-help books I can use?" 

"Well, I suppose I could give you a few quick pointers. You say that your clone is so perfect that he scares you?" 

"Well, not 'scare', I wouldn't say 'scare', well, yes, he scares me. He's so beautiful and so nice to me, it makes me shy. And he's so willing to help, he's positively domestic. I can't get used to that in a man, although, come to think of it, when he helps out, I can't find things, and he's not real thorough when it comes to washing stuff, and..." 

"Yes, yes," Remma cut in, "so he's not actually perfect. The real complaint is that you're reluctant to get into the Chocolate Conversation with him, isn't that right?" Remma muttered under her breath, "Hard to believe, but after so many years with The Other, I suppose." 

Dgrequeen nodded miserably. "Yes. I'm a total dud. Even in my fantasy life." 

"You're too hard on yourself. It just takes practice. First of all, you need to get the brace. Maybe not give it to him yet, because after all, you don't want to lose any body parts." 

What's the brace for if I don't want to give it to him?" 

"You never heard of props?" 

"Oh. Well, he also said the dead do not eat chocolate. How can I get him into, you know, the chocolate thing if he doesn't want to?" 

"The dead do not screw, poo, or unscrew either, Dgre!" Remma snapped.  "But this one's a clone. You can't take him at his word! Trust me, it's time to take the bull by the horns." 

"Take my courage in my hands, you mean." 

"Strike while the iron's hot." 

"Seize the day." 

"Or seize your assassin by the bun," Remma said. "Make that plural." 
 

The Clone Dilemma 
by dgrequeen 
Part 4 

Dgrequeen was determined to do just as Her Divine Remma had instructed. First, she made a special trip to Micromary's lab. After some confusion over finding her order, during which she had to fend off the attentions of a somewhat furry and very white lab assistant, she was given the package containing a brace and an instruction manual. She promptly took them home. 

"MyKai, come see what I brought you." 

He came out of the kitchen, where he had been cleaning out the refrigerator --- he really liked cleaning out the refrigerator for some reason --- and watched curiously as she unwrapped the package. She pulled him down to sit on the floor with her. 

"It's a brace, see? Assassin equipment, not that you'll need ---" 

MyKai snatched the brace from her hand and examined it closely. 

"It's really just for show ---" 

"I can defend you now," he said, instinctively fitting it to his arm and clicking it in and out. 

"No, honestly, I don't need ---" 

Click! "No one will give you any more trouble." Click! "I will see to it." 

"MyKai." Dgrequeen smiled and carefully put her hand over the arm with the brace, v-e-e-r-r-y gently pushing it down. "What I really need is chocolate." 

"Chocolate!" His full lips lifted in his tight, crooked little smile. "Yes, you have mentioned this before. I can provide chocolate." 

He leaped to his feet before she could stop him, and strode out of the house with that peculiar gait she found so attractive. She was left sitting on the floor, wondering what havoc she had unleashed on the world. 

He was gone less than an hour. When he came in the door, he was carrying a shopping bag that bulged at the seams. 

"I have chocolate!" he said triumphantly. 

Dgrequeen smiled uneasily and sat down at the table. 

First, he pulled out Dove bars. 

Her smile changed to one of relief. "Good." 

Then he pulled out a handful of Snickers. 

"Uh, okay, I like those" 

Then a heap of Reese's Cups. Then Zagnuts. Then a shower of M&Ms.  Then... 

"Wait, wait," she cried, "I can't eat all of these. I don't even like most of them." 

MyKai's mouth pulled down at the corners. He upended the bag and Almond Joys, Symphonies, Old English Brownies, and many more things that Dgrequeen couldn't identify cascaded over the table and onto the floor. 

"You said you wanted chocolate," he said. "I have brought you chocolate.  You did not specify; therefore, I have brought you as much chocolate in as great a variety as I could find." 

Dgrequeen spent a shivery moment speculating on what might have happened in the place where MyKai got the chocolate. 

"Please don't pout. This just isn't exactly what I had in mind." 

MyKai looked down and to the side, his mouth set. "I have failed." Click!  went the brace, as he fidgeted with it in what she hoped was an absented-minded tic. 

Click! In. Click! Out. 

"And the dead do not pout," he said, his lower lip pushed out. 
 

The Clone Dilemma 
by dgrequeen 
Part 5 

Dgrequeen decided she was only making things worse by trying so hard.  She decided that it was time to take the Zen approach, which was to let things take their course. This wasn't easy, but she went to work and came home, trudging through her days, hoping against hope that a solution would eventually present itself. 

And then, one day, she came in the front door and MyKai was waiting there for her. 

"MyKai," she said. 

"Good evening, Dgrequeen," MyKai said, gently taking her battered leather portfolio out of her hand and setting it aside. "How was your day?" 

"Awful, MyKai. It's the end of the quarter, graduation you know, and I always suffer the fires of hell during these weeks." 

MyKai frowned as he led Dgrequeen to her easy chair, took off her shoes and began to massage her tired feet. "I've noticed that you seem down.  How can I help?" 

Dgrequeen looked at him, a faint glimmer of hope stirring in her breast.  She found herself suddenly shy again, not wanting to spoil anything by making suggestions he would turn down. 

"It's just the grad students," she said at last, deciding she had put too much into his words and shouldn't explain the real reason for her mood. "Some of them are such demanding whiners." 

"Tell me who they are. I will kill them for you." 

"Um...no. I don't think that would be a good thing for either one of us." 

He continued to massage her feet, and she felt herself growing relaxed, almost limp, with the pleasure. She was sprawled in the chair, her eyes closed, almost asleep for a few seconds before she realized that he had stopped. She opened her eyes. 

He was gazing steadily at her. 

"Dgrequeen," he said. 

She waited, breathless, afraid to speak. 

He smiled. 

"Would you like some real chocolate?" he said. 
 

The Clone Dilemma 
by dgrequeen 
Part 6 

She soaked away the grad school Real Life residue in a hot bath he had drawn and scented with something that reminded her of a cool breeze wafting over a sweet meadow. After awhile, when she felt human again, she dried herself and dressed in a black silk gown and a white velour robe he had laid out. 

"Come out to the deck," he called through an open door. 

She stepped through the door into a soft spring night full of stars and the singing of peepers in the trees. MyKai had lit candles along the ledge of the deck fence. On the glass-topped table, he had set out dessert plates, crystal flutes, an ice bucket with the dark neck of a bottle peeping out the top, and an intriguing white box. 

He smiled at her, his thin face all angles and planes in the candlelight. But for his pale face and hands, he was invisible in the darkness, a disembodied ghost. He pulled out a chair for her to sit. 

"I have something for you," he said. 

She sat. He fussed with the bottle and glasses, pouring something pale and bubbly, and then he pulled the box over and opened it. 

"Don't look," he said, and she obediently looked away toward the line of trees at the bottom of the yard, a dark tangled wall against the lighter dark of the sky and the frosting of stars. It was truly a beautiful night, the kind that made her want to sit out all night and forget who she was and what she faced in the daylight. On a night like this, she could be young and free again, full of love and optimism. 

She felt, rather than saw, him step beside her. 

"Taste," he said, and she felt something hard against her lips. Startled, she opened them, and something slid into her mouth, resting against her tongue. She gave a little gasp and involuntarily sucked. It was smooth, and filled her mouth with the taste of chocolate, dark, double-fudge, semi-sweet. 

"Is it good for you?" he whispered into her ear. She moaned a little, letting it dissolve. 

"Now," he said, and pressed one of the flutes against her lips. She swallowed a bubbly liquid that burst in her mouth with the taste of something dry yet fruity. It was chilled, she knew, but after the chocolate, it seemed almost hot in her throat. 

"Again," he said, and she felt the small weight of something round and sweet, maple caramel, on her tongue. The sensation made her weak. 

"Mmmmmm," she said. 

He took her hand and guided it toward himself. 

"Touch," he said, and she delicately stroked something soft draped over the hardness of his arm. Her fingertips recognized the stiff nap of velvet.  He lifted it and gently stroked her cheek with it, brushing it ever so lightly across her lips, once, again, and then again, until she realized that his lips were pressed against hers. Their kiss was soft, slow, full of the lingering taste of chocolate and fruit. She felt it then, a sharp, sweet thrill that bloomed and expanded upward through her body like a phantom. 

She put her arms around him and rested her cheek on his shoulder. 

"You know that I love The Other," she said. "So I must let you go. But you are my fantasy. Always come back to me when I need you." 

"The best thing about fantasies," he said, whispering into her ear, "is that they are free."