JOKES GALORE 9 if you don't like it, call the cops, but they'll put you on hold the adventures of a retard-part 1 One day there was a retard at the circus. while he was there, he saw an elephant chained to a post and a sign next to him saying ... "Make this elephant lift it's leg-$100 prize" and there were dozens of people trying to win that prize. First a body-builder type guy tried to lift it's leg himself; couldn't. And then a woman tried to tickle him, so she got something for that, too bad it wasn't money (all over her face, too). A she wiped her face off, she says "Is there anyway to get this elephant to lift his leg?" so when the retard got up to the elephant, he walked behind it, and punched it in the balls. In pain, the elephant lifts it's leg, and the retard gets his money. On the next day the retard went back to the circus, only to see a new sign next to the chained the elephant saying "Make this elephant nod his head then shake it-$100 prize" so the retard got in line. And don't forget, there were dozens of people in this line too. Like this guy who tried to move the elephant's head himself, and caught a trunk upside the head, and a lady who tried using peanuts to have him look in those directions, but almost lost a hand that way. Then, the retard gets up there, and when he does he begins to whisper in the elephant's ear. Amazingly, the elephant nods and shakes his head! After so, the retard gets his money. As he was about to leave, the retard was confronted by the circus' ringmaster, who asked him, "What did you tell that elephant?" the retard replies, "I sed, 'do you remember me?' den I sed, 'do you want me to punch yur balls again?'" New CIA Agents Three men were going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it. They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out." The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out." Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshots, followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks. I had to choke the bitch." In the Slammer This guy gets arrested and sent to jail. His cellmate tells him he will like jail, here's why. Cellmate: "you like church?" Newguy: "its ok" Cellmate: "on Sundays we get to go to church, you gonna like Sundays" Newguy: "I guess" Cellmate: "You like basketball" Newguy: "Yeah, I like basketball" Cellmate: " You gonna like Mondays, on Mondays we play basketball" Cellmate: "You like baseball?" Newguy: "yes" Cellmate: "On Tuesdays we play baseball except when it rains, then we play cards - you like cards?" Newguy: "yeah" Cellmate: "You like sex?" Newguy: "yeah" Cellmate; "you like sex with women or men?" Newguy: "Women" Cellmate: "Your'e not gonna like Wednesdays...." Pull Over A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of thecar. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but noticeyour eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but noticeyour eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" Don't Tell Grandma...... A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up. The girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" "Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry." Just Lay There A guy goes to a whore house and walks up to the attendent. He says "I want a woman who will just lay there so I can just fuck her all night." the attendent says "Ok sir, just go up stairs and go into the first room to your right and you will find a woman there who you can fuck." The guy leaves and goes to the room. Laying on the bed is a hot looking blond chick. The guy takes off his clothes, jumps on her and begins to fuck her. He does it everywhere, on the bed, on the walls, sideways and all over the floor. After a few hours of intense fucking, white liquid starts coming out of the woman's mouth and nose. The guy panics and runs out the room to the attendent. The guy yells "Oh my god, I fucked her so hard that I think I killed her!" The attendent says "Just a miniute sir, HEY, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL ALREADY!" "The Evolution Of Mom" Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes -1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. -2nd baby: You wear your regular clothees for as long as possible. -3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE yyour regular clothes. The Baby's Name -1st baby: You pore over baby-name bookks and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. -2nd baby: Someone has to name his or hher kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. -3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. Preparing for the Birth -1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. -2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. -3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in yyour 8th month. The Layette -1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. -2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. -3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't thhey? Worries -1st baby: At the first sign of distresss--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. -2nd baby: You pick the baby up when heer wails threaten to wake your firstborn. -3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old hoow to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities -1st baby: You take your infant to Babyy Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. -2nd baby: You take your infant to Babyy Gymnastics. -3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out -1st baby: The first time you leave youur baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. -2nd baby: Just before you walk out thee door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. -3rd baby: You leave instructions for tthe sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home -1st baby: You spend a good bit of everry day just gazing at the baby. -2nd baby: You spend a bit of every dayy watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. -3rd baby: You spend a little bit of evvery day hiding from the children. This world is full of dumasses. Here's a couple..... Will the real dummy please stand up? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. With a little help from our friends! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!" What was plan B? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. These nitwits are teaching our children? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." and A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy). Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system." The getaway! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Too well educated? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." Did I say that? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Ouch, that smarts!!! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. Are we communicating? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Not the sharpest knife in the drawer! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-- In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. 10 more idiots for you! 1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. 2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. 3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. 4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. 5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. 6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. 7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. 8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. 9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. 10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. Milkin Ol' Bessy Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole,(a bar, to ya city folk....) when who should he see, but his old friend Chis the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor, and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good." "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this: "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tall to the rafters. Then I got back to work. "I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives be a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss me off! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. "Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I had to take off mah belt and tied up Bessy's left leg to the side of the stall. Then my pants fell down," Just then John paused to take sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from you!" Save the Camel These two guys were making their way across the desert when their camel ran out of water. Without the camel they knew they would never make it out of the desert alive. They looked around and discovered that they were only a few hundred yards from an oasis but also discovered that they had nothing to carry water in. So they decided to drag the camel to the water. By the time they got him there, the camel was much too weak to drink. The only solution they could come up with was one would have to hold the camels head in the water and the other would have to suck on it's ass. Neither wanted the job of ass-sucking so they flipped a coin to see who would suck on the camels ass to fill him with water. After the toss the winner positioned the camels head and the other took his position at the rear. After a few minutes the one at the rear raises his head up, spits and said, Hey, you've got his head in to deep, all I'm getting is mud! The Magician So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" Show Me The Money! A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first." Meet the Prez An rather elderly lady carrying a soiled lunchbag walked into the main offices of the Chase Mahattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down the bag, and said: "I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank" The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick count showed there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in cash in the sack! Flabergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President's office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired: Prez: "Are you in the stock market?" Old Lady: "No" Prez: "Play the horses then...?" Old Lady: "No,..... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people." Prez: "I see." said the President. "Yes", continued the old lady,...."As a matter of fact, I will wager you $25,000.00 dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your balls will be square!" Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the President said: "I'll have to take you up on that one!" He and the old lady shook hands and parted company. The President was very carefull the rest of the day and did not go out that evening to avoid risk. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming! At exactly 9 O'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained, "This is Mr. Bartelby my attorney, I always bring him along when dealing in large sums." The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25000.00 richer!" The old lady asked for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor. "What's wrong with him !" asked the President. "Oh him", said the woman, " I bet him $100000.00 yesterday that by 9:15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!" Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Jane was a first time contestant on the One Million Dollar Question quiz show. Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's emcee could ask her the big One Million dollar question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I just got to win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like hell tomorrow, too." "Relax, honey." her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be okay." Ten minutes after they arrived, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it! What is it!" she cried excitedly. "Okay. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' That's it!" Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis." Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. And again on the way to the show, he made her repeat it again and again. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the emcee, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for One Million dollars, what are the main parts of the male anatomy. You have ten seconds." "Hum, uhn, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eeh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I,uhh, well, the last one,emmm, oh god, my husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning--" 'That's close enough!!! You win!!" The Wasp A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the women's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with a forceps. He suggested that the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctors thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?" he finally asked. "Change of plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the bastard!"