JOKES GALORE 8 I'm back and still better than ever Vegas Vacation Two buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! My wife got addicted to Blackjack. Ever since we got back, when we're asleep in bed, my wife starts slapping my butt and shouting "Hit me!" The second guy says, "You got it easy. My wife played theslots all week. Every morning I wake up with an ass full of quarters! Pumpkin patch A man is driving home late one night and is feeling quite aroused. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, "You know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles." He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to satisfy himself. Soon, he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man thinks fast. He looks at the cop in complete horror and then down at the pumpkin he is holding between his hands. "A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?" If Men Really Ruled The World... Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Donations A man was driving down the road and there was a road block. Police officers were walking and telling people what was going on. The police man finally got to the man and said, 'O.J. Simpson just heard the verdict and is threatening to cover himself in gasoline and burn himself to death and he said he wont have any money left and we're going around collecting donations.' The man said 'How much do you have so far?' The police man said, '10 gallons.' Witch doctor After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. Doctors and psychiatrists cannot help so he sees the neighborhood witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down again. But remember, it only works once a year." The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection. "Look who's ready for bed...." He teases. His wife turns over, looks at his dick, and says "What did you say '123' for?" Operation A man needed a vasectomy, but because he was so squeemish, he insisted on being put to sleep during the operation. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his bed. "What's up?" he asked nervously. "Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a vasectomy, we performed a sex-change operation. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, I'm sure you will, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's." shiny silver doors An Amish boy and his father were visiting an office building. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While they were watching with amazement, a rather unattractive lady walked to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light again in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother". Tomb-boner A teenage couple snuck into the local cemetery to make love. The next day the girl complained of back pains so she went to see her doctor. After performing a complete examination, told her it was a simple muscle strain. "By the way," he asked, "how old are you?" "Eighteen," she replied. "Why do you ask?" "Because it says on your ass that you died in 1887." Manners The conservative young bride became irritated by her new husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" A virgin? A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I'm still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before." "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it." "My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was... -- God, I miss him!!!" Court ruling A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What the hell FOR!!??" he snapped at the judge. His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Those four words just cost you $50 --Contempt of court!" and slammed the gavel down. Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "You don't have to pay now." Replied the man, "Oh, I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!!" Belly button A man meets a women at the bar and sits down next to her. They talk a while and finially he decides to go for it. "Do you mind if I put my finger on your belly button?" he asks her. She figures this is strange, but says okay. All of the sudden she says, "HEY! That's not my belly button!!" The guy replies, "That's okay. That's not my finger." Pop N. Fresh Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died last Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He had one of the largest funerals in years.Dozens of celebrities turned out that included: Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours. Long time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who 'never knew he was kneaded.' Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. Peanuts A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet with an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's ok," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl." Excuses The following is [supposedly] a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system by parents of students: Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. BMW's A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." Sausages A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage." The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?" The guy says, "Well, yes I am. But I'm offended by your attitude. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?" The clerk says, "Well, no." The guys says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????" The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store." New products 2..... The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: Y2KY Jelly. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two." Excuses 2 Actual statements on auto insurance claims forms: I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly Appeared where no stop sign had ever been before. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I hit a pedestrian. An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car And vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had fractured my skull. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. Punch buggy A country woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold, blustery January day in North Dakota. The daughter said to the mother. "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied. "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said. "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied. "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." He did, and his hands warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the girl. He said: "My nose is freezing cold." The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boy friend was once again driving with the girl and he said. "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the girl is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The somewhat concerned mother says: "Yes, I have. Why do you ask?" The daughter says: "Well, they make a big mess when they thaw out!" Excuses 3 More real statements on auto insurance claims forms "The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "I thought my windows was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." The code A guy married a young woman who wasn't very sexually experienced. At the start of their wedding night he had a talk with his new bride. "Honey, I don't ever want you to feel pressured into having sex, so let's set up a code...If you want to have sex with me, just pull my penis once. If you don't want to have sex, just pull my penis one hundred times." Gorillas A man arrives home one evening to find a gorilla sitting on his roof. Not knowing what to do, he opens the yellow pages and looks under "gorilla removal". He calls the only listing. A man arrives and takes from his truck the following: a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua and a gun. The homeowner asks what he's going to do with all that stuff, to which he replies: "I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'm going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he's busy eating them, I'm going to knock him off the roof with this stick. When he hits the ground the Chihuahua is going to bite him in the balls, at which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs on him." The homeowner asks, "what about the gun?" The man hands the gun to him and says, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua!" Treatment A guy heads out to a whorehouse, but a mistaken address brings him to a podiatrist's office. He walks in. The nurse leads him into a room, tells him to show her the area he needs treated. He does so. The nurse exclaims, "Ahhhh! That's not a foot!!!" He says, "I didn't know there was a mimimum." The cook A matronly old lady walks into a diner and orders a hamburger. "One burger!!!" the waitress yells. The cook, a big burly guy, takes a hunk of chopped meat, sticks it under his armpit to flatten it and throws it on the grill. The old woman observes this and says, "That's DISGUSTING!!" "Oh that's nothing," the waitress says, "you should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts." Magic rock This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man, the tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it and say, "Hey, whats that?" The first guy says "A twelve inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic rock, rubbed it, made a wish, and I got a twelve inch pianist." The other guy says "Cool can I try?" and he makes a wish. A minute later, a million ducks fill the room. The guy says "Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!" The guy says "Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?" Dragging on Two guys are walking down the sidewalk in opposite directions, dragging their left legs. When they meet, one says to the other, "Vietnam, 1969. What about you?" The other guy replies, "Dog crap, two blocks back." God's vacation God's looking to go on vacation but doesn't know where to go. One of the angels says, "How about Earth?" "Nah," God replied, "I went there about 2,000 years ago. All I did was screw a Jewish girl and they're STILL talking about it." A couple of rhymes for ya... My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me. Drop Dead Fred Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. In the sad moment, the preacher absent-mindedly placed the note in his jacket and forgot about it. At the funeral, as he was finishing the service, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" Free Advice At a cocktail party, a doctor was getting annoyed at the number of people who kept asking for free advice. He asked another doctor if he had the same problem. "All the time," was the reply. "Well, don't you get tired of it? What do you do?" "It's very simple. When they ask for advice, just tell them to get undressed." Gettin' pregnant A childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Yes I do," answered the woman. "Well, we're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap." How to tell where a driver is from 1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA 7. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA Christmas Songs for Psychos: SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you hear what I hear? NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Trucks and Trees and... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock... SADISM: Thoughts of You Roasting on an Open Fire Drunk in the can A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to the door. ""What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells from outside the bathroom. "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" Two Spoons One day two vactiongoers wondered why all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pockets. Naturally, they were curious. So obviously, they asked a waiter why. "Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."As he was explaining that they noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, they asked about that. "Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands." We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in." "Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!" the F.B.I. The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept and break apart every piece of wood. No marijuana is found. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come by?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."