JOKES GALORE 7
I wont stop until my pulse does!




What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that chick over there is wearing a
bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."


the goldfish

	One day Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there,
decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and
I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your damned cat!"


Six hours to live

	A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, "I'm sorry but you only have 6 hours
to live." So, the guy goes home and says to his wife, "Honey, I only have 6 hours to live.
So can we make my final hoursmy last chance to make love?" So, they go right to bed.
They have sex, and an hour later he asks, "Can we do it again?" His wife says, "Well,
okay." An hour later he says, "Honey, can we do it again?" His wife says, "Well, okay,
maybe one more time." They do it and an hour later the guys says, "Honey, can we do it
again?" The wife says, "Absolutely not! I have to get up in the morning... you don't." 


Social Security

An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application. 
	He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age. He
opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest. They accepted that as proof,
and give him his first check. He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and
explained how he proved his age. She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your
pants, and see if you can get disability, too!"


DUI's

	One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible
violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble
out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left
the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police
officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered
the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."


the New Yorker

	This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big
city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were
laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she
proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband As he craned his neck to see what it was
he looked at her and asked "What they don't use those things where you come from?"
"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"


piggy bank

	As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they
have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor
where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five
and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "not everyone is as
cheap as you are."


resturants

	Bill Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one of the booths. All the
waitresses are knock-down gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very
short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table. She asked: "What would you like,
Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers: "Quickie." The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she
regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?"
Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "Quickie, please." This time
her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding
"SMACK!" and storms away. A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over
and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ."


Roosters

	Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "Ok, old fellow,
time to retire." 
The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look at what it did to me!" The
young rooster replies: "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. It's time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just
let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young
rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster
thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, I'll have a race
around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken
coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to
be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the
farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the
young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting
on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he
grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown
sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this
week."


Ballerinas

	This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless, stained sundress, walks into a
bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big ol' hairy smelly armpit as she points to all the
people sitting at the bar. "What gentleman here will buy a young lady a drink?" she asks in
a quite husky voice. The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. The
men next to her quickly move away -- just because of her body odor. At the end of the
bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says: "Bartender! Put it on my tab.
I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender obliges and pours the drink. After she
chugalugs the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again
revealing her ripe, hairy armpit. "What gentleman here will buy a young lady a drink?" she
again asks. Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:
"Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second
drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk. "It's your business," says the bartender, "if
you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk
replies, "Sir!" replies the drunk. "In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high
has to be a ballerina!"


Heavenly transportation

	3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St.
Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into
Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you
get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!" The first guy walks up
and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you
said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's you a Pinto to
drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy
said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and
we really worked it out good." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's you a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married
for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter
said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you a Lamborghini!" A little while later, the 2 guys
with the Lincoln and the Pinto seen the guy with the Lamborghini crying on the golden
sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked the guy with the
Lamborghini what was wrong, he said, "I just seen my wife, she was on a skateboard!"


Bad grades in sex ed

	Two boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One
got a D- and the other an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I
agree," said the second, "We'll grab her and then we'll kick her in the nuts!"


What am I?

	I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with
little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but
I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm,
moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I
return to my original position. What am I? 

[ look down ]

































Your toothbrush, you damn pervert!


Obituaries

	The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man
behind the counter tells her it will cost $5 per word. She thinks for a moment and says
"Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She says "Okay...
Fred's dead; Buick for sale"


Old friends

	John and Mary, both elderly residents at a retirement home, began to get pretty
friendly and enjoyed each other's company. After about three weeks of getting to know
each other, John said: "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if
I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?" Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so
she agreed. Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the
lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their regular
meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the
shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly
walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand. This
upset her very much and she yelled at John: "We've been together for two months now. I
thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What
does she have that I don't?"
A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied: "Parkinson's disease."


Viagra

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are
you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny." "But
Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting
lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."


Murder scene

Toucan Sam; Tony the Tiger; and Snap, Crackle and Pop all were found dead.
Police say it was a cereal killer.


Punk rocker

	A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled in a Mohawk and a bunch of tattoos. It was
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her
pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading "Keep off the grass".
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the bandages which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."


Two Lips and Seven Kisses

	There was this old woman who heard a song called, "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."
She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record
company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have
"Two Lips and Seven Kisses?" The gas station attendant who answered the phone said,
"No, but I have two balls and seven inches!" The woman asked, "Is that a record?"The
attendant replied, "No, it's average!"



Space Pens

The Americans wanted to find a writing implement that could be used in space.

It took 200 engineers. And they spent over $2 billion to finally come out with a
space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow.

NASA proudly announced their success and congratulations flowed in from all
over the globe.

In a short note to NASA, the Russians congratulated them but said that they too
had found a solution at a fraction of the cost spend by the Americans. 

They said, "We use a pencil."


To Jump or not to Jump...

	A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher
structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called
home to his father to tell him what happened. So, son, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, we got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for
volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when
you jumped, son?" asked the father. "Um, not yet," said the young soldier. "Then the
sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Well,
did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that, dad. Everyone else had jumped,
and I was the very last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was just too scared
to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "No,
not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to
go. Finally, he called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir.
I'm just too scared.' So he pulled down his zipper and said, 'Boy, either you jump out that
door, or this is going up your sorry butt.'" "So, that's when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."


the chicken and the egg

	The chicken and the egg were laying in bed, and the egg was smoking a cigarette.
The chicken was pissed off and yelled, "Well I guess that answers that question!"


Doggy-style

	A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic
tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing
that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your
knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the
floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other
positions to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she
replied.


Facelift

	An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
The surgeon says, " For $5000 you can have the best facelift available with a feature that
is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of
your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the
screw." The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to
the office very upset. "Doctor, I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" The
doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Those bags under your eyes are your breasts and
if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a moustache too...."


Is it true?

	A young girl comes running home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what
Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear"
replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to
explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," she asked, "won't it knock my
teeth out?" 


Christmas party

	John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache
and unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he
made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he
moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she
said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in
antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company,
right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply.
"And he fired you." "Well, fuck him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." 


the Pub

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: 

Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50
Hand Job: - $10.00

	Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three
exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes,"
she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the
man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" as she
gives him a seductive smile. The man replies "Well wash your hands, Bitch! I want a
cheese sandwich!" 


The Sarge

	An Army Sergeant visits a prostitute and immediately disrobes. He is standing with
his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then
says," My name is Sgt. Dick, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK,
ATTEN-HUT!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and
asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty
years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately
goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another
demonstration. The Sgt. once again yells "DICK, ATTEN-HUN!!" and then follows this
display with the command of "DICK, AT EASE!!". The Sgt. looks down, and to his
amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier,
DICK, AT EASE!!!" Still, his penis is still fully erect. He yells "god dammit!" and moves
to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks '"What the
hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm
giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!" 


Spelling contest

"Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today, and I missed on the very
first word." "That's too bad, son," consoled the Father. "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it... You can't even 
pronounce it."