JOKES GALORE 6
its way too far from over

Doing the laundry

	A young couple is traveling across the country in their covered wagon. They come
across a small town and decide to stop for the night. Not long after their arrival, the
husband meets the sheriff and strikes up a conversation with the law enforcer. The sheriff
informs the man that it is against the law to speak of, or even use the word "sex". The
husband discusses this situation with his wife and they decide they will refer to sex as
"doing the laundry" when the urge strikes. Later that night, while lying in bed, the
husband rolls over and says "Honey, I think it is time to do the laundry,", to which the
wife replies "No, I'm tired.". Thirty minutes later, the husband rolls over and makes a
second attempt: "Honey, I think we should really do the laundry now,". The wife replies a
firm, "No, the laundry will have to wait,". Two hours pass and the wife finally rolls over
and whispers, "Honey, we can do the laundry now". The husband looks back at her and
replies, "Sorry dear, it was a small load... I did it by hand".


Let's make a deal....

	A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on
the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. "The crowd murmured their approval. The
man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer. "I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over
the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly
spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." 


Forbidden fruit

	Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem
tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting 'friendly' with all the
women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one
else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the
first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then
we will handcuff your penis so tight, it would fall off!", said the sheik. He then turned to
the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman", said the second
man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man,
"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop
tester!"


First night

	So, these two virgins get married. As their first night together approaches, they
wonder what they are supposed to do, them being virgins and all. So they decide to call
the bride's mother. The mother tells them to get undressed. They do. Then she tells the
bride that the groom should put the "hardest part of his body into where you go to the
bathroom." An hour later, when the bride's mother calls back and asks how everything
went, the bride says, "Well, I don't know, he has his head stuck in the toilet bowl, now
what do we do?"


Making Tuna

	One day there was this mother and her son. They were coming home from a trip.
The little boy saw two cows screwing each other. He asked his mother what they were
doing. She said they were 'making tuna.' Then he saw two horses screwing each other
The boys asked, "What are they doing?" "They're making tuna," the mother said. Then he
saw two dogs doing it. He asked what they were doing. She said they were making tuna.
When they got home. The little boy's sister saw him run down the stairs and she asked
him what he was doing and he said, "Mommy and Daddy are making tuna and Mommy
has mayonnaise all over her mouth."


Poker game

	Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on
his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way
possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video
games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and
calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened
to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by
the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table
without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon,
little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further
interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the
world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the
boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Quicksand

	One day, a man was walking through the jungle when he fell into some
quicksand. "Help! Help!," he cried. When he was up to his knees in quicksand a hunter
came by. "Help me! Help me! I'll do anything!" said the man in the quicksand. "Will you
suck my dick?" asked the hunter. "No way!" he said, and the hunter walked away. By the
time the man was up to his waist another hunter came by. "Help me! Help me! I'll do
anything!" "I'll help you if you suck my dick." said the hunter. "Forget it!" Then he was
up to his neck. "Help! Help!" he screamed, and a third hunter came by. "Help me! Help
me! I'll do anything! I'll even suck your dick!" "Fag!!" said the hunter as he shoved the
man's head down with his boot. 


Elderly insemination

	There is an elderly couple, about 70 years old each to be exact, and they wanted
to have a baby. The go to a fertility clinic to try to see if it would be possible. They talk to
the doctor for a while, but the doctor is very against the whole idea. He refused to let
them do the test. The couple was very desperate for a kid, so they ended up bribing the
doctor. Reluctantly, the doctor let them take the test. He handed the husband a jar and
said, "OK, put your specimen in here, and come back in a week." The couple walked out
the door. One week later, the couple returned to the clinic. "May I see the jar, please?"
asked the doctor. The couple both looked at each other and then the wife pulled the jar
out of her purse. The doctor looked at it for a second and said, "Excuse me but... it's
empty." The husband blushed and said, "Let me explain. First, I tried it with my right
hand. Then I tried it with my left hand. Then my wife tried it with her teeth in, then she
tried it with her teeth out. Unfortunately, no matter what we did, we just couldn't get that
stupid jar to open." 


My best friend

	A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch
whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink.
Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and
found my wife having sex with my best friend." "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he
poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's
on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what
did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye
and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over
to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'" 

Wedding night

	A newly married couple retire to their hotel room on their wedding night. The
man, who is much larger than the petite woman, decides to set the ground rules for the
marriage. He takes off his pants and throws them over to his wife, saying "Put these on."
The woman replies "But they are too big for me," "Put them on anyway " She puts them
on, they fall down, and she says "I can't fit into these" He replies "That's right, now just
remember who wears the pants in this family" The woman then takes off her panties and
throws them over to her husband, saying "Put these on." He looks at them and says "I
can't get into these" She replies "Yes, that's right. And you won't be able to in the future
unless you change your attitude!" 


Pigs

	A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for
help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't
have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only
asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the
pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them
back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in
the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still
just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and
drive them out to the woods. He spends all day humping them and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the
mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn." 


condom help

	An older man in his mid-fifties goes into a Pharmacy and is looking around rather
curiously. The Pharmacist approaches the man and asks him if he needs assistance. The
man leans over and whispers in the pharmacist's ear "I need to buy some condoms but I'm
not sure what size" The Pharmacist motions for the man to follow her back to the
counter. At the counter the Pharmacist tells the man to unzip his pants. He does, and the
Pharmacist reaches under the counter and tugs twice on his penis. A second later the
Pharmacist gets on the loud speaker, "I need a box of large condoms to the Pharmacy"
The man pays for his condoms and leaves. A little while later a man in his mid-twenties
comes in and the same scene takes place. The man follows the pharmacist to the counter,
unzips, she tugs twice, "I need a box of medium condoms to the Pharmacy" The man
pays a leaves. The next customer was a teen about fourteen years old, is looking around
the Pharmacy rather curiously. He is approached by the Pharmacist and is having the
same problem as the two previous gentleman. The boy follows the Pharmacist to the
counter, he unzips, she tugs twice, A second later, she goes to the loudspeaker and says,
"I need clean up in the Pharmacy please." 


Another animal fable

	Once there was a fly who looked down and saw a piece of pollen on the water and
thought, "If I swing down I can get the pollen and have some dinner. Then a salmon saw
the fly and thought, "once the fly goes for the pollen Ill be able to grab him and have
some dinner." Then a bear saw the salmon and thought,"once he goes for the fly Ill be
able to get him and have some dinner" Then the hunter saw the bear and thought, "once
he goes for the salmon Ill have some dinner" Then the mouse saw the hunter and thought,
"once he goes for the bear his sandwich will fall out of his pack. Then the cat saw the
mouse and thought, "once the mouse goes for the sandwich Ill have some dinner" So the
fly went down to get the pollen, the fish catches the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter
shoots the bear, the mouse gets the hunter's sandwich, and the cat catches the mouse, yet
falls into the pond, and eats the mouse in the water.

The Moral of this story is: When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet, and when it does,
then there is a satisfied pussy. 


suppositories

	This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The
doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass." The
doctor then says "I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the
second this evening." The man replies "okay." Later that evening he is talking to his wife
and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon
his shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy screams "Oh My
God!!" so the wife asks, "What's wrong?" The man replies, "I just realized that the doctor
had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine!" 


Typing

	One day a mother and father decided that they would talk about sex in a code so
their children wouldn't understand. So having sex was related in typing on a typewriter.
That night the father asked his daughter to ask her mother if he could write a letter on her
typewriter. The daughter went to ask and the mother said, "yes." A few weeks later he
asked the same question and the mother replied "No." So a few days went by and the
mother said, "you can Type your letter now." And the father replied" sorry but I already
hand wrote it. 


the hardest part

It's really hard being a dick. You got a head, but you can't think, you've got an eye but you
can't see, all you do is hang around all day with a couple of nuts. Your closest neighbor is
a real asshole. And ever since AIDS, you gotta wear a rubber suit and throw up all over
yourself! 


Dreams

	These 3 guys were camping out, and didn't have any matches to start a fire so they
huddled together and fell asleep. The next morning the guy who slept on the right said, "I
had a dream that someone was jerking me off!" The guy who slept on the left said, "I had
a dream that someone was jerking me off too!" The guy who slept in the middle said,
"That's funny I had a dream that I was skiing." 


Getting drunk

	Three guys were discussing how drunk they got the night before. The first one
says "I was so drunk, I blew chunks all night!" The second one says, "I was so drunk I
passed out in an alley!" The third one says "That's nothing, I got so drunk I brought home
this dame I didn't even know and had sex with her. Then my wife walked in!" The first
guy says, "Uh...I don't think you two understood how drunk I was... Chunks is my dog." 


one-hundred dollar tattoo

	This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to have a $100 dollar bill tattooed
on his dick. The tattoo artist asks why in the hell he wants that on his cock. The guy
replies that he likes to play with his money, likes to watch his money grow and best of
all, his wife can blow a 100 bucks without leaving the house. 


the Barn

	One day Adam Sandler is driving by a farm. He stops and asks the farmer: "Do
you have anywhere to sleep?" "Yes" the farmer replies."You can sleep in the barn or with
my 18 daughters." "I'm married, so I think I'll take the barn thanks." Adam replies. Later
in the day Chris Rock stops at the farm requesting for a place to sleep. The owner once
again replies: "You can sleep in the barn or with my 18 daughters." "I think I'll sleep with
your 18 daughters." He replied. In the morning Chris goes to Adam and asks him how his
night was. "I'm a bit itchy, but I'll be okay." Then Adam asks "How was your night?"
Chris replies, "I feel like Tiger Woods, I'm a black man who has been in and out of 18
holes!"


the bouncer

	A small guy who owns a night club, needed a new bouncer. Upon the first
applicant's arrival, the small man looks up to see a huge guy standing in front of him. So
then the small guy says "So, tell me about yourself," The big guy looks down upon the
small white guy and says, "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small
guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's
wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big guy looks down
and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my
name is Turner Brown." The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said, 'Turn
around.'" 


Lost dog

	There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day
when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She
was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night
but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog
he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the
young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?" Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my
reward?" 


After the crash

	Dodie Fayed gets up to heaven and runs into the Mercedes chauffeur. Dodie calls
out to him, "Hey you stupid fuckin dumbass dickhead..., I said that I wanted to Fuck Di in
the Tunnel.....not FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!!!!!"


Crying

	There was this lady siting in a park by a lake. She had no arms and no legs. A
jogger comes by and see the lady crying and asks, "Why are you crying?", and the woman
says "Cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been hugged before." So the jogger
feels sorry for her and hugs her. Another jogger comes by and sees the lady crying and
asks, "Why are you crying?" and the lady says "Cause I have no arms or legs and I have
never been kissed before", the jogger feels sorry for her and kisses her. Another jogger
comes by and see the lady crying and asks "Why are you crying" and the lady says "cause
I have no arms or legs and I have never been fucked before." So the jogger picks the lady
up, throws her in the lake and says "you're fucked now........" 


Wanna be a Swimmer

	One day there was a guy who had no arms and no legs who wanted to join the
U.S. Olympic swim team. He asks the coach if he can join, but the coach doesn't believe
that the man can swim. So the man says, "If I can swim from one side of the pool to the
other, that will be my proof," so the coach puts a swimming cap over the man's head and
throws him in. But the man does not rise out of the pool. Actually, he sinks to the bottom,
and stays there for about five minutes. Then the coach jumps in, and pulls the man out of
the water. After receiving CPR, the man looks up at the coach and says, "It took me five
years for me to learn how to swim with my ears, AND YOU PUT A FUCKING CAP
OVER MY HEAD??!!!"