JOKES GALORE 5
I cant stop the madness!

Experiment

	A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He
gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed
potatoes at dinner and she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor and says,
"The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes
later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, threw the chairs
against the wall, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the
table." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. I hope the
damages weren't too severe." The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back
to Denny's anyway." 


Jack or Jill

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... 
	He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well,
both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the
first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither
Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager
thought he'd wait and see if either would leave work early, and both employees stayed
after closing. Finally, as Jill puts on her coat the manager approaches her and says, "Jill, I
have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well,
you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus." 


Hole in one

	A couple went to a fine hotel to make love for the first time. The woman
confesses that she's had only one other man, who turns out to be Tiger Woods, the golfer.
The couple makes passionate love. When they're done, the husband grabs the phone.
"What are you doing?" asks the woman. The husband replies, "I'm hungry. I was going to
call room service and get some food." that's when she snaps,"Tiger wouldn't do that. "
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"he challenges. "He'd come back to bed and do it a
second time." she says. So they make love a second time. Afterwards, the man grabs the
phone again. "What are you doing?" the woman asks again."I'm still hungry so I was
going to order some food." he replies. "Tiger wouldn't do that." she snaps. "I suppose
Tiger would do it again?" the husband snidely asks."Oh yeah..." she replies. So they do it
a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial. then the woman asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling
Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!" 

New findings

A new study reveals the following findings:

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.

When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.

When Senior management gets together, they talk about golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.


Nut house

	A medical student is doing is rotation on the psychiatric ward. He is getting a tour
by the attending psychiatrist, seeing the grounds, etc. The two of them walk down a hall,
with a number of locked doors on both sides. The attending doctor opens the first door on
the left. The student looks in and sees a man, buck naked and shaved completely bald.
The man is laying on a mattress, which, besides the toilet, is the only item in the white
room. The man is furiously masturbating. The student, shocked, asks "My God, what is
his problem?" The attending answers, "He has a very unique condition. He is locked in a
delusion belief system: he thinks that if he does not ejaculate 17 times each day, his
testicles will explode." They leave and continue walking down the hall. The attending
doctor unlocks and opens another door. Inside the resident sees a man sitting on a
canopied bed, decked out in a velvet robe. The room is as finely appointed as a five-star
hotel. In one hand the patient holds a glass of scotch, in the other a fine Cuban cigar.
There is also a beautiful, buxom, blonde nurse in the room, performing oral sex on the
patient. The student, perplexed, asks "what is his problem?" The attending doctor replies
"Oh, he has the same problem as that last guy, but he has a much better insurance plan."


Nurse Jenny

	Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor.
"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She
gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they
hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I
just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" 

Convict

	An escaped convict breaks into a house and ties up a young couple so he can
search for valuables. As soon as he leaves the room, the husband turns to his voluptuous
young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispers, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives may depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," the wife says, "because he just told me he thinks you
have a really nice ass!..." 


Freezing

	Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When
they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,
my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will
warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back
and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here
between my legs and warm them up." After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop
enough wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says, "Wow, my hands
are really, really freezing now!!" She looks at him at says, "For crying out loud honey,
don't your ears ever get cold?"


The study

	Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a
man's penis is larger than the shaft. After the $1 million study, the British report
concluded that the head is larger than the shaft to provide the man with more pleasure
during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct its own study on
the same subject. After their $2 million study, the French report concluded that the head
is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. After those
two studies, Canada decided to conduct its own study. After their $100 study, the
Canadian report concluded that the head is larger than the shaft to prevent your hand
from flying off and hitting you on the forehead.


How to grow it

	One weekend, Bobby, a neighborhood teenager was mowing a nice couple's lawn.
After mowing the lawn, he comes in to use the bathroom, but neglects to close the door.
The husband passes by and notices that Bobby happens to have a very large penis. After
Bobby finished, the husband asked, "Say, Bobby. I don't mean to get personal but how
did you happen to become so well endowed. I couldn't help but notice..." Bobby laughs
and says, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. It really impresses
the girls at school!" Excited at the simplicity of this technique, the husband could hardly
wait to try it himself! Before he climbs into bed that night, he whips it out and bangs it on
the bedpost three times. Just as he was just climbing into bed, his wife sits up, half-asleep
and rubbing her eyes, and asks, "Bobby is that you?"


Dogs

	Two nuns from the "old country" have just arrived in the USA. "I hear that the
occupants of this country actually eat dogs," one says to the other." "Odd," her
companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we may as well do as the Americans
do." Nodding emphatically, the first nun points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk
towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor obliges and wraps both hot dogs in
foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' One nun
opens hers, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers, "What
part did you get?"


Good news and Bad news

	One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and
some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news
first." Smiling, God explains, "I have two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It
will allow you to be smart, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with
Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your
new intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy you have this
organ." Adam, very excited, exclaims, "These are great gifts you have given me. What
could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God says "The bad news is that
when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to use only one of these organs at a
time."


Pumpernickel

	Joe and Bob, two very elderly men are sitting on a park bench feeding the
pigeons. Suddenly Joe looks at his watch and shouts, "Oh no! I have to get home to make
love to my wife!" "Make love to your wife?" Bob asks, "What do you mean? You're 90
years old...just like me!" "Yes, I am," Joe answers, "But my wife and I make love three
times a day." "Three times a day!?" Bob shouts, "What's your secret?" "Pumpernickel,"
Joe says before he leaves, "That's the secret..." Bob starts walking home and passes a
bakery. "Pumpernickel.." he thinks to himself, "Hmmmm..." So he walks in. He goes up
to the woman at the counter and asks, "Do have any pumpernickel bread?" "Of course,"
the woman says, "we have dozens of loaves." "Well give me all the pumpernickel you've
got!" Bob says. "All of it?" the woman asks, "But it'll get hard!" "What?! Everybody
knows about this except me?"

Brothel visit

	A traveling salesman is in a small town for a couple of weeks and decides to visit
the town brothel. He says to the Madam, "Here's $100. I want the worst blowjob in the
house." "But sir," the Madam replies, "For $100 you don't have to settle for the worst.
You could have the BEST!" "No," says the man, "I'm not horny...just homesick."


Back from Arkansas

	President Clinton returns to Andrews Air Force Base after a trip to Arkansas. The
general of the base is standing at attention while the President descends the stairs from
Air Force One. The General notices the President is carrying a pig under his arm. Not
knowing exactly what to say, the General blurts out, "Nice pig, sir!" "Sure is," the
President says, "It's a cornfed purebred razorback from Arkansas! I got it for Hillary."
Again not knowing what to say, the General replies, "Nice trade, sir!"


incommunicado

	A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty
communicating with pharmacist about what he wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally
unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter, and puts a five dollar bill down next to
it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, and then picks up
both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Seeing the surprised exasperated look in the deaf
mute's eyes, the pharmacist says, "Look, if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."


Break down

	A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks
down. Unable to get it fixed, they decide to spend the night in a hotel. Of course (like in
all jokes like this one), the only hotel in the town has only one room available. The priest
says, "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if
stayed together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed." The nun
agrees. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten
minutes later, the nun complains, "Father, I'm cold..." so the priest gets her a blanket. Ten
minutes after that the nun says, "Father, I'm still cold. I think the Lord wouldn't mind if
we acted as man and wife just for this one night." To which the priest replies, "Sister,
you're probably right. Get up and get your own damned blanket!"

It's all in the name

	There was this guy named Penis Van Lesbian who wanted to be an actor. He had
plenty of talent, but he was consistently turned down for parts. Finally, he asked a
director for advice. The director said that he was a brilliant actor, but that his name was,
well, kind of offensive. So he took the director's advice and changed his name to Dick
Van Dyke.  


Getting 'holy' head

	A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view
mirror."You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've
always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun." The nun thinks for a moment
and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and
two, that you be Catholic." "Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive
replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally.
After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing. "What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha
ha!" the cab driver announces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm
Jewish!" "That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a
costume party."


In the barn

	A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a Lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and forced to
stop at a Farmers house. The Farmer is gracious but only has two extra beds so one
person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn,"
so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the Farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the
Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a
cow." So the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the
Farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his
beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So the Lawyer is forced
to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the
cow.


Cojones

	A traveller in Spain goes to a Madrid restaurant and orders the house special.
"What's this?" he asks. "Cojones," the waiter replies, "They are the testicles of the bull
who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted but being the
adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is delicious.
In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man
objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senor," the
waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." 


Miracles

	A woman is dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they
don't know what to do. Just about the time she is going to give birth, the doctor is
scheduled to operate on a priest for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the
woman, "I know! After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it
was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he
says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation
he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says
the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just
did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen
years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy
down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The
archbishop is your father." 


Expressions

	A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having problems with her sex
life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear
picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while
you are having sex?" "Well, I did once." she answered. So the psychiatrist asks, "Well,
how did he look?" "Kind of angry." she replied. Then, the psychiatrist inquires,"Well
that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have
only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it
occur that you saw his face that time?" she replies, "He was looking at me through the
window."


Faithfulness

	A man is packing for a business trip and asks his wife..."Honey," he says, in mild
exasperation, "Why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on
a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "Oh, I know, darling,
and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible
diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen,
you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?" "Oh,
alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give
me more than ONE!" 

pictures

	A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself at his new home. Too embarrassed to
let her know that he now lives in a nudist colony, he has a photo taken, but cuts the photo
in half to send her the top part. After he mails the photo, he realizes with horror that he
sent the wrong half! But then he remembers that his grandmother's eyesight isn't what it
used to be. A few weeks later, he gets a note from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you
for the picture. You should change your hair style...it makes your nose look too short!" 


Medical bargain

	"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You
only have six months to live." The patient sat in stunned silence for the next several
minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically tells his physician that he had no
medical insurance, and he would have a problem making sure all his medical bills were
paid in that time. "Okay," the doctor said, "what if we make it nine months?"


Baby planes

	A mother and young son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son who had been
looking out the plane's window turned to his mother and said, "Mom...If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" Stumped
for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy
promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. "Excuse me" the boy
said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?" "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" "Yes" He said
nodding his head. "Okay" she said and whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's
because Southwest always pulls out on time." 


Dilemma

	One day George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some
great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a
block away and her name is Susan." After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I
have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30
years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in
the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister,
and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken hearted. After eight months he
eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly
announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June. Again his father insisted on
another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too,
George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his
mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm
never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the
girl is my half sister." "Oh George," his mother chuckled, "don't pay any attention to what
he says. He's not really your father." 


Radio Contest

[This is supposedly a true story from an Australia. Seems a radio station in Melbourne
has contest where they call someone, ask them personal questions, then call their spouse
to ask the same questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a trip to Fiji.
Here's how it went a few weeks ago...]

DJ: We have our contestant on the line. Okay Brian, three questions. Here's question
one...when was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Oh, about 8 o'clock this morning

DJ: Question two...how long did it last?

Brian: Ahhhhh....about 10 minutes.

DJ: Last question, where did you do it?

Brian: Umm...on the kitchen table. God this so embarrassing.

DJ: You're doing fine, mate. Now, is it okay to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah...

(DJ gets Brian's wife, Sharelle, on the line and explains the contest)

DJ: All right, Sharelle, now I'm going to ask you the same three questions I just asked
Brian. If you answer them right, you win the trip to Fiji. Ready?

Brian: Just tell the truth honey...

Sharelle: Okay...

DJ: When was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: OH NOOO...I can't say that on the radio!

Brian: I already told them honey.

Sharelle: Okay...about 8 o'clock before Brian went to work.

DJ: Good! Nice start. Now, how long did it last?

Sharelle: (giggling) Maybe 15 minutes...

DJ: Close enough. Okay, final question, where did you do it?

Sharelle: I can't say that! My friends might be listening. No way, no.

Brian: It doesn't matter honey. I already told them. Just be honest.

Sharelle: Ohhh....all right......up the ass.

(A long moment of radio silence.)


the first day...

	It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnny. As a test, his
teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did
well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any
mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next
day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade
Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S
or T, but little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening,
Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad,
knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day,
after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to
the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That
night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than
theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad,
"That's because you're 18."


The new deputy

	The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the
sharpest guy in town, nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff
drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself,
"That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter
'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct
answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed
Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for
a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on
that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were
waiting to hear the results of the interview. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm
already working on a murder case!"


One-wish genie

	Bob and Bill were playing golf when Bob pulled out a cigar. Bob didn't have a
light, so he asked Bill if he had a lighter. "I sure do," Bill replied and reached into his golf
bag and pulled out a huge 10 inch long lighter. "Wow!" said Bob, "where did you get that
monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" Bob asked. "Yes, he's right here
in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" Bill opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. Bob
says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the
genie said, so Bob asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag
and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to
darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. "I asked for a million
bucks not ducks!" Bob exclaimed."I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you
really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"


Trains

	One day a mother was washing dishes in the kitchen and listening to her son
playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get the fuck in, get the fuck in! Any sons
of bitches who wants to get the fuck out, Get the fuck out!" The mother went into the
living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go
to your room for two hours. When you come back down, you may play with your trains as
long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the
kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train
stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand
luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


Boredom

	Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar
and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those
screwy Democrats in Congress...." "Stop -- I don't permit talk about politics in my bar!"
interrupted the bartender. A few minutes later the man tried again, "Guess what my
friend told me about the Pope..." "No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in. "Look,
how about sex? Can I talk about sex?" "Sure." "Then fuck you."


Captain's Clothes

	Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger
of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his
First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red
shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout
screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear,
but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the
battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although
this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck
that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and
asked, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain exhorted,
"If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will
continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a
man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were
approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the
Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my brown pants!"