JOKES GALORE 4
just when you thought it was over, here comes another one!


The stuttering man

	One day, a man walks into a doctor's office looking for assistance. As he sees the
doctor, he grabs him by the collar and says, "D-D-D-Doctor! Y-Y-Y-You have to
h-h-h-h-h-have to help m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me! I-I-I j-j-j-j-j-just can't st-st-st-stop
st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stuttering!" so the doctor says, "Okay, okay, I'll help you. Come into
my office." so the man comes in, and has a physical exam, the doctor finds the problem.
"You see," the doctor explains, "Your extremely long penis is the problem. It has grown
to be very sensitive, and that's what is making you so irritable." so the man asks,
"W-W-W-W-W-What c-c-c-can I d-d-d-d-d-do to st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stop the
st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stuttering?" then the doctor replies, "I'm afraid that I will have to remove
the sensitive areas of your penis in order to stop the stutters." then, the man the man
pleads, "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-But my w-w-w-w-w-wife l-l-l-loves it, a-a-a-a-all t-t-t-t-t-twenty
inch-ch-ches!"then the doctor sadly says, "I'm very sorry, but it's the only way." then, the
man makes his decision. " O-O-O-O-O-O-O-k-k-k-k-kay, I'll d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do it." So he
undergoes the operation, and as a result, loses six inches of length, but that did not bother
him because months later, he returned to the doctor's office with his wife to let the doctor
know of his improved condition. As soon as he sees the doctor, he gives him a
handshake, and says "Doctor, I can't thank you enough. You've changed my life forever,
and I am a new man. But for some strange reason, my wife has insisted on speaking to
you," and immediately, his wife grabs the doctor's hand, and pulls him into the next room
in order to speak to him privately. "It was a great thing you did for my husband, giving
him the operation and all," she continued, "but ever since you removed those inches from
my husband, the sex isn't as good. So as a favor to me, can you put those six inches back
on him? Please?" then the doctor looks her straight in the eye and says, "N-N-N-N-Not in
your f-f-f-f-f-f-fucking l-l-l-l-life!"


Hot air

A little boy named Matt wakes up one three nights in a row when he hears all kinds of
strange sounds coming from his parents room.(just like Claudia and James[see jokes
galore 'what you want is what you get', and 'seeds']) Finally one morning he goes to his
mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making all these noises, and
when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him. What are you doing
to Daddy?" His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing
on his stomach because your daddy is fat, since he is full of hot air. What I'm doing, is
pushing all of the hot air out of him and that's what makes him thin again." "Well, that
doesn't work, mommy!" Matt replies. "Why's that dear?" asks the Mom "Because the lady
next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up again!" 

Mr. bird

	One day, in a suburban neighborhood, a man was sunbathing nude in his backyard
while reading a newspaper, when a frisbee fell in front of him. Suddenly he was able to
hear the footsteps of a small child approaching. So in a panic, he places his news paper
over his 'equipment' and in order to draw attention away from it. So when the child
arrives, it is a little girl, who asks, "What's under that paper?" the man, still panicking,
says, "Ummm, Mr. Bird! Yes, Mr. Bird." so the girl asks, "Can I see him?" "No," the man
replies, "because he is taking a nap, and does not want to be disturbed. So go away."
Then the girl leaves. Hours later, the man is injured due to an attack, and there is an
ambulance and police everywhere. They question the first person they find, who happens
to be the girl. The chief investigator asks her, "Do you know what happened to this
man?" "Yes, I do," the girl replies. "I saw him asleep in his backyard with Mr. Bird
sleeping under his paper. I remembered how he said not to bother Mr. Bird, but I didn't
care. I walked up to him, took the paper off of him and there he was, sleeping in his black
nest. I started to pet him so he can get up, and he did. So I gave him a BIG kiss. After
that, he started to spit at me, so I snapped his neck, and I cracked his both of his eggs!"


The red rash

	While undressing for bed one night, Bill Clinton notices a red rash around his
penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to
the White House physician the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring
around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it"? The doctor says, "Well, I'm
not exactly sure what it is but take these pills for a week and see if that takes care of it. If
not, come back and we'll try something else.". Bill takes the pills for the week but the red
ring remains after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him that the pills hadn't
helped. The doctor gives him a cream in a tube. "Rub this on every day for a week and let
me know." Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That
stuff worked great! What was it?" the doctor replies,"Lipstick remover."


Opinions

	A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi
Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them "Excuse me,
what's your opinion of the meat shortage?" The Saudi asked "What's a shortage?" The
Russian asked "What is meat?" The North Korean asked "What is an opinion?" And the
New Yorker asked: "What's excuse me?"


Moths

	A married woman and her lover were making passionate love. The woman
jumped up, hearing the sound of keys. "Quick it's my husband coming through the front
door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried. Her lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his
clothes under the bed and as she lay back down on the bed, her husband came through
the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I
heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a knowing
smile. "Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found her lover hiding in
the shower. "Who the fuck are you!!!??" the husband demanded. "I'm from the
exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover
replied. "But...you're naked!!!" shouted the husband. The lover looked down and jumped
in surprise. "Damn those little bastards!!!"


To marry a virgin

	An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry
a virgin man. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad. Soon, she ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in
the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes
into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she
finds her new husband standing naked in the middle of the room, and all the furniture
from the room is piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a
woman," he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can
get."


Dr. Zimmerman

	A young woman who wanted bigger breasts saw a sign that said, "Painless, easy
way to increase bust size. Call Dr. Zimmerman." So she called Doctor Zimmerman and
made an appointment to see him the next morning. When she saw the doctor, he told her,
"All you have to do is fold your arms across your chest and move them up and down.
Then you need to say out loud..."I must, I must, I must...... I must increase my bust!" "Do
this every day for 2 weeks and you will see a positive change," he told her with
confidence. The woman was on the subway the next day making good use of her travel
time, repeating the exercise as the doctor had described, saying aloud "I must, I must, I
must....... I must increase my bust." A man sitting near to her heard her chants and leaned
over to her and asked, "Doctor Zimmerman, right?" Surprised, the woman said, "Yes,
how did you know?" "Hickory Dickery Doc," the man replied. 

Shaving

	A man enters a barber shop for a shave. The man mentions the problems he has
getting a close shave around the cheeks. The barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball
in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man ever had. After a
few strokes the client asks. "What if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just
bring it back tomorrow like everyone else."


I better sell......

	Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy,
business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
....Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he
apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell my ass
this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."


to drink or not to drink

	A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on an airplane.
When the flight attendant came around with the beverage cart, the attorney asked for a
whiskey and soda. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let
liquor touch these lips." The attorney handed his drink back and said, "Take this back. I
didn't know there was a choice."


With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs..

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72
percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control
group of 12 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually
finish a household repair project before starting a new one. 

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this
drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D.
(Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

Circumstances

	One day there was a kid named Quinn who wasn't as fortunate as his peers. For
instance, his family was kind of poor, so he never got all the cool stuff his friends were
getting. Like when he was five, all of his friends were getting tricycles, he asked his dad
for one. His dad turned and asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" sadly, the boy replies,
"No," and walks away, never to ask again. Later in life, when the boy was ten, all of his
friends were getting bicycles, so he asked his dad for one. His dad turned and asked, "Can
your dick touch your ass?" sadly, the boy replies, "No," and walks away, never to ask
again. But just last week, when his friends were getting their cars, he asked his dad for
one. His dad turned and asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" And then, Quinn proudly
replies, "Hell yeah it can," Then the dad replies, "WELL GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!"


Old foreplay

	There was this old guy at a dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd
been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he
approached an older woman and says, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How
about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!" "I'm willing,
let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed
for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how amazing the sex
was. It felt as if she had never had sex before in her life. After the wonderful experience,
he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have
given you $50". Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an
erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"


In order to qualify...

	Three prospective church goers attend a meeting with the clergy of a local church
and ask to become members. The three, an older couple, a middle age couple and a
young newlywed couple are told that they must abstain from sex for two full weeks and
then return to see if they qualify. Two weeks pass and all three return... The elderly
gentleman says that they have and are ready to join the church. The middle age couple
advise that the first week was okay but during the second week the husband had to sleep
on the couch. Nonetheless, they made it and are ready to join the church. The newlyweds
hang their heads and the husband says, "Well, father, my wife was bending over taking
something from the freezer the day after our meeting and I couldn't stop myself. I took
her right on the spot." "I'm sorry," says the clergyman to the young couple, "but, you are
forbidden from coming back to this church." "I figured," says the husband, "cause we
can't go back to the grocery store either."


Condoms

	A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom
aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The
father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school.
You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father,
"What's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in
college. You'll have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?" The
father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."


For 100 bucks....

	Dave goes over to his best friend's house, rings the doorbell, and the wife
answers. "Hi, Nora, is Tony home?" Nora replies, "No, he went to the store." So Dave
replies, "Well, do you mind if I wait?" So Nora says, "No, come on in." Then, they both
have a seat in the kitchen. That was when Dave says, "You know, Nora, you have the
greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora
thinks for a second and finally figures, 'It's for a hundred bucks.' She opens her robe and
shows Dave one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on
the table. They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, "Nora, your tits are so
beautiful... I've gotta see the two of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I can see
them both." Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks
is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Dave a long look. He thanks her and
then throws another hundred bucks on the table. Another ten minutes passes by... Dave
can't wait around any longer and leaves. A while later, Tony arrives home, and Nora says,
"Your weird friend, Dave, came over this afternoon." "Really?" Tony asks, " Did he drop
off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"


Something to remember ....

Life is more pleasant when we don't let stresses get us down.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes a full 42 muscles in your face to frown.
But it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.


Jews in Arkansas
A Jewish senior citizen moved from Florida to Arkansas.

After two years, he came back for a visit.

When asked how he liked Arkansas, he said, "They're all crazy out there.

"One guy who is 6 ft 7 inches tall, they call Shorty."

"Another guy who's totally bald, they call Curly."

"A third guy, who weighs 400 lbs, they call Slim."

"And me, who ain't been laid in ten years, they call The F**king Jew!"

State of the art

	A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,
"I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman
says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to
telepathically communicate with me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it
says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be
broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man shakes his watch and says,
"Damned thing must be an hour fast."


Lingerie

	A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might
have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroridered on her
panties and bra."Yes madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certian that could be done.
Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.


Going to Vegas

	A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her
bags packed. "Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man."I'm going to
Las Vegas",said the wife, "I just found out I can't get $400 a night for what I give you for
free!" The man said,"Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a
few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. "Where the heck are you going?", said the
wife. The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!" 


Comeback

	An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the
receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a
wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE
YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?" All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the
very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Psyhcics

	A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is
great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her
biology class."


An animal fable

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for
the winter. however, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly
south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard,
nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little
sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted
his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came
by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the
manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy, and
everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.And if you're warm and
happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.


Old Drunks

	Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "You know,
when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was
40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard." then he continued, "By the time
I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and
now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "what's
your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna
get!"


Complaints

	A 70 year old man, and an 80 year old man are sitting in a retirement bar
complaining. The 70 year old says."I hate my life.Every morning I get up at seven, go to
the bathroom stand there, try and try, just a lil' trickle comes out. Then 7:05 comes
around I sit down to do my business, just a little trickle again." The 80 year old says,
"Thats nothin', wait till' you get to be my age.Every morning at seven o'clock, I pee like a
race horse. Then 7:05 comes around and I have the most regular bowel movement ever."
The 70 year old turns to him and says,"Well, whats the problem?" "The 80 year old
replies, "I don't get up till eight."

Actual Product Label Instructions...

On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."

On Nytol sleep aid: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

A special trick

	A truck driver picked up a hitch hiker. As they drove along, the trucker asked his
passenger, "Would like to see a special trick?" The hitch hiker replied, "Sure, why not?"
So the trucker whistled, and out of the back of the sleep cab appeared a monkey who sat
on the trucker's lap. The trucker slapped the monkey in the back of the head real hard,
then the monkey proceeded to unzip his pants and give him a blowjob. The trucker asked
the hitchhiker if he liked the trick  The hitchhiker said, "I guess so." "Would you like to
try it?" the trucker asked. "Umm. Okay," the hitchhiker replies, "but promise me you
won't hit me so hard."

In daddy's closet

	Just as mom walks though the door, little Tommy comes running over. He says,
"Mommy, Mommy! I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next
door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on
the bed..." The mother interupts him. "Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!"
When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says "I'm
leaving you." The father, bewildered, slowly asks "Why!?! What did I do??" the mother
turns to Tommy and says, "Tell me and daddy exactly what you told about to tell me
today!" So Tommy says, "I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady
next door and they started kissing and then they took each others clothes off and laid
down on the bed...just like what you and uncle Joe did last summer!"


Stupid Criminals: 

	Portsmouth, RI Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending
machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they
spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in
coins.
	David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly
knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned
out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

Change of heart

	A crusty old man walked into a bank and said to the woman at the teller window
"I want to open a fucking checking account." The astonished woman replied, "I beg your
pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, you slut. I
said I want to open a fucking checking account NOW!" The teller replied, "I'm very sorry
sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." She left the window and went
over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agreed that she did
not have to listen to foul language. They both returned to the window and the manager
asked the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking
problem," the man said. "I just won 50 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I want to
open a fucking checking account in this fucking bank, okay?" "I see," said the manager,
"and is this fucking bitch is giving you a hard time?"