Jokes galore 3
there's plenty more where that came from


the rookie

	The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the
street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She reported to her
friends, "Well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor". "What did he want to do?"
they all asked. She said, "I told him 'full-service' was one hundred bucks, but he said he
didn't have that much." then she continued, "So I told him that oral sex would be
seventy-five bucks, but he didn't have that much either. That's when he told me that he
only had twenty-five bucks, and I told him for that I could service him by hand." "Then
what happened?" her fellow hookers asked. "Well, he pulled it out and I put one hand on
it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand,"
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge, then what did you do?" The
new hooker said, "Well, I decided to loan him seventy-five bucks!"


the first time

	A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says "What'll you have?" The guy says,
"Gimme some Whiskey,...6 shots!" The bartender replies, "6 shots, eh? Must be a special
occasion!" The guy announces, "Yeah! My first blowjob!" The bartender says, "In that
case, consider the 7th shot free!" The guys replies, "Dude, if 6 shots doesn't get the taste
out of my mouth, 7 sure won't!"


Slip of the tongue

	A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of
hooters. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to
Pittsburgh." So he's really embarrassed. Then, the guy in line behind him says, "Relax,
pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant
to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you
wrecked my life!' "


I told you so

	A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man
rolled down the window and said, "What's the problem officer?" To which the policeman
responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife
leaned forward from the passenger's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to
stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going." The man then turned
to his wife and yelled "Shut up bitch!" The policeman continued, "And just before the
light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned
forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me? No! He
never listens to me." And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen bitch, I told your
punk ass to SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The policeman then looked at the woman and said
"Does he always talk to you this way?" To which the woman responded, "Only when he
has been drinking."


Praise the lord

	A man who went to Church with his wife, always fell asleep during all of the
priest's sermons. So then the wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she
took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher
got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "... and who created all there is in 6
days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying straight out of the
pew and screaming "Good God all mighty!" The minister replied, "That's right, my
brother! That's right!" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering
under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and the
one who died on the cross to save us from our very own sins..." the wife pricked him
again with the pin. Right then, he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ!" The Minister
said "That's right, my brother! That's right!" and went on with his sermon. The man sat
back down and began to watch his wife. That's when the minister got to "... and what did
Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the
husband, but he jumped up out of the way and said " If you stick that damn thing in me
one more time, I'll break it into half!"


Death bed

	A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed."Jerry, I, . . ., I have
something to tell you before I pass on." but the mantries to comfort her by saying,"No,
no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well." But then she says, "No, Jerry. I've been
carrying this load for weeks now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I
slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry." then the man replies, "Yes, dear, I
know.  Why do you think I poisoned you?"


Liar

	A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a
sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was Harry,
but don't worry, he won't be home for awhile. He says that he's playing cards with you."

Kids at the whorehouse

	There were two boys hiding in the bushes outside the local whorehouse. They
would see these men going in with a twenty dollar bill in there hand all down in the
dumps looking real sad. But when they came out they had a big smile on their faces and
were real happy. One boy asked the other, "I wonder what is so good in there?" The two
boys decide to go see, but only had a buck between them, but they go in anyway. As they
go in and walk up to the madam at the desk, they both say, " I want a bucks worth of
what that last guy just got. " The madam thinks for a bit, pulls up her dress runs her finger
inside her pussy then puts her finger under each of their noses for a smell. "That will be
one dollar," replies he madam. So the boys pay. As the boys are walking out the door, one
boy says to the other, "I don't think I could take twenty buck's worth of that!"


Damn dog

	This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross
the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and starts peeing on his pants. The guy
immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts
to offer to his dog. A businessman, who was also waiting to cross the street, observes this
and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware that your dog just whizzed all
over the leg of your pants?" "Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit, " replies the blind
man. "Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, " but you're not going to teach
him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!" To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm
not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"


Bulunga

Three missionaries are taken hostage by a primitive tribe...
	The chief approaches the first and says, " Choose death or Bulunga. " The first
missionary, not wanting to die, replies, " Bulunga. " Accordingly, he is dragged from the
hut and tied up, facing a pole. The natives appear one by one and perform anal sex with
the bound missionary. Once the natives have finished, the missionary is untied and led
away. The chief then approaches the second missionary and says, "Choose death or
Bulunga." The second missionary, not wanting to die, also replies, " Bulunga. " He, too,
receives the same treatment. The third missionary, witnessing the fates of the first two,
decides he wouldn't be able to live with the humiliation. The chief proclaims, "Choose
death or Bulunga. " The third missionary replies, " Death! " " Right then, " says the chief,
" Death by Bulunga! "


sperm bank hold-up

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a shotgun at the woman behind the
counter and shouts, " Open the safe! " " But this is not a real bank! " the woman replies, "
It's a sperm bank! There's no money here! " " Open the safe or I'll blow your fuckin' head
off! " the man shouts. The woman, now terrified opens the safe. " Now take one of the
bottles and drink it, " he says. " But sir, these are sperm samples! " the woman replies. "
Just drink it or I'll shoot your bitch ass! " The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot.
" Now take another bottle and drink it. " " But sir, I just drank one! " she pleads. But it's
no use. " Drink another one or I'll shoot you! " he screams. The woman has no alternative
and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and
the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband. As soon as she recognizes him,
he says, " Now that wasn't so hard, was it? "


Pete the Penguin

	Seems Pete the Penguin was driving his old ass, raggedy car on a hot day, when
suddenly, the engine suddenly conks out, and breaks down. Pete gets a tow to a
mechanic, who tells him he'll start working on the car right away. Taking a walk around
the block, Pete the Penguin spots an ice cream parlor across the street. Being a penguin
and all, he naturally decides to get a vanilla ice cream cone to cool down. It's hot, of
course, so most of the ice cream just melts on the Pete's face. Finally, Pete the Penguin
goes back to the mechanic, who is under Pete's car. Pete asks, " Found the problem, yet? "
The mechanic looks up at Pete and says, " Looks like you blew a seal. "


You cant get jack

	A boy who lived on a farm was walking home from school one day, enraged by a
licking he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken came out in
front of him, so he kicked it. His mother saw him and said, " I saw that! You cannot have
any chicken for a month. " Later on in the barn, still mad, he decided to kick the pig. His
mother came in, observed this behavior, and said, " I saw that too, young man. You
cannot have any pork or bacon for two months. " At this time, the boy and his mother saw
his father just getting off his tractor, and after seeing a cat, he kicked it. Then, the boy
asked his mother, " Mom, do you want to tell him, or should I?"


the blind man

	Some nuns wanted to fix up one of the old rooms of the convent. They asked their
Mother Superior if they could make it look nicer by painting it, add some window
treatments, new carpet, etc. The Mother Superior told them that her only concern was
their habits. After all, a nun's habit can be expensive to clean if splattered by paint. The
nuns gave it some thought and decided since there were no men around, they could just
take off their habits and paint the room while they were naked. So the nuns disrobed and
started painting away. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door. One nun asks " who is it? "
From the other side they hear the reply " The blind man! " The nuns talk it over for a
minute and decide that since the man is blind, he would never know they were naked, so
they might as well let him in. The open the door, and upon entering the man says " Gee
Sister, you have a great bod! Now where do you want me to hang the blinds? "

Confess to enter

	St. Peter is standing at the gates of heaven, processing nuns for entry into heaven.
He tells each sister in line to approach one by one to confess their sins.The first nun
confesses, " I was walking down the sidewalk of the convent minding my own business
when I accidentally brushed my pinkie finger against Father MacPherson's penis. " St.
Peter says, " Just dip your pinky finger in the holy water before entering the gates of
heaven. " The next nun in line confesses, " I was in church when I saw Father Flaherty. I
had a big crush on him, so I walked up behind him and grabbed his ass. " So then St.
Peter tells the nun, " Just dip your hand in the holy water before entering the gates of
heaven. " Suddenly, St. Peter sees a scuffle between the next two nuns arguing about
their place in line. " What's going on? " St. Peter asks. One nun replies, " I just want a
chance to gargle with the holy water before she has to dip her ass in it. "


The Abbot

	One day an abbot left the abbey to run errands in a nearby city. He sees a woman
on the street who is practicing the " world's oldest profession. " " Twenty bucks for a
blowjob! " she shouts at passer-bys. He then sees the woman and a man disappear down
an alley. He sees the exact same thing at another street. A different woman shouts "
Twenty bucks for a blowjob! " and then she and another man disappear down the alley.
The abbot leaves the city confused, not even knowing what a ' blowjob ' is. Back in the
abbey, he asks to see the mother superior at the adjacent convent. " Mother superior, " he
asks, " what's a blowjob? " She replies, " Twenty bucks, same as downtown! "


the tough drunk

A big huge drunk guy walks into a bar. He's not someone you'd want to fool with...

	He orders a beer and chugs it down, then shouts, " All you guys on this side of the
bars are a bunch of cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?!!!! " Understandably,
everyone is silent. He then chugs back another beer, then belts out another statement, "
All you guys on the other side of the bar are a bunch bitch ass motherfuckers! Anyone got
a problem with that?!!! " Silence once again. Except one small, meek guy slithers off his
barstool and walks toward the drunken bully. The drunken bully shouts, " Hey!! You got
a problem, buddy?! " " No sir ... I'm just on the wrong side of the bar. "

In the beginning

	In the beginning, when God finished making the earth, he had a chat with Adam.
" Hey God! " says Adam, " Looking after all these animals is cool and everything, but I
think I'd like someone more like myself to be with. " God considers this and replies "
Well I could make you the perfect companion who would be with you all the time, would
be faithful, good company, and would never leave your side. But, it'll cost you an arm
and a leg. " Adam stops and thinks about it for a while, and says " Well... what can I get
for a rib? "


Try this out for size

	A man goes into the pharmacy looking for condoms. Unfortunately he has no idea
what size condoms to get. The pharmacist asks, " Would you like to find what size you
are, Sir? " The man agrees, so the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The
board has many differently sized holes in it. The pharmacist instructs the man to match
his penis up with the right-sized hole, then leaves to allow him some privacy. After an
hour, the pharmacist wonders what's taking so long. He knocks on the door and sees if
the man is allright. The man replies, " Forget the condoms. I'll take the board. "


It's a scream

	Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. They are sitting
around drinking some beers, when they decide to make a wager. They make a bet  to see
who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return
next week and compare their results. The very next week they all arrive at the bar at the
usual time with big smiles on their faces. The first man says, " I definitely won for sure.
First, I took my wife out to dinner and bought her roses, then, I took her home and made
love to her and she screamed for an hour. " The second man says, " Man, I got you beat.
Last Saturday, I cooked dinner for my wife, and for desert, I poured honey all over her
beautiful body while making love to her, and she was screaming for two long hours. Beat
that, why don't ya? " The third guy says, " I got the both of you beat. Last Friday night
,after we made the bet, I started humping the hell out of my wife for 30 seconds, nutted,
pulled out, and wiped myself off all over the curtains. And up to today, she's still
screaming. " 


Doctors

	At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start checking each other out.
The male doctor asks her to go have dinner with him and she accepts. At dinner, the
female doctor excuses herself to wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another
and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor says she
has to go wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it. After the sexual interlude,
she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands yet again. When she comes back the
male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms this and asks how he knew. "
Easy, you're always washing your hands, " he said. She then says, " I'll bet your an
anesthesiologist. " so the male doctor asks, " Wow, how did you guess? " the female
doctor, " I didn't feel a damn thing. "

At the porn store

	This guy just started at his new job working at a porno shop. The store manager
comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks " Can you handle it? "
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but agrees. So the guy is there by himself for a
while and a woman comes in. She asks, " Excuse me, How much is it for the white dildo?
" so then he answers, " That one costs thirty-five bucks. " then, she asks, " How much for
the black one? " so he replies, " it's thirty-five bucks for the black one, and thirty-five
bucks for the white one. " so she says, " Hmm...I really can't decide. I've never had a
black one before. Wait! How much is that big plaid one on your shelf? " Improvising, the
man says, " That over there? That's a special edition dildo that costs two hundred dollars,
ma'am. " She thinks for a moment and says, " I'll take it! " and buys the special edition
dildo. Soon the store manager returns and asks, " How did you do while I was gone? " "
Really good, Sir. I just sold your thermos for two hundred bucks. "


Hypothetical and reality

	A little boy goes up to his father and asks: " Dad, what's the difference between
hypothetical and reality? " The father replies, " Son, I could give you the book
definitions, but you'll learn better by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd
have sex with the mailman for five hundred thousand dollars. " The boy goes and asks his
mother, " Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for five hundred thousand dollars?
" His mother replies, " Hell yeah I would! " The little boy returns to his father, " Dad, she
said ' Hell yeah I would! ' " The father then says: " Okay, now go and ask your older sister
if she'd have sex the ugliest boy in school for five hundred thousand dollars. " The boy
asks his sister, " Would you have sex with the ugliest boy in school for five hundred
thousand dollars? " His sister replies, " Hell yeah I would! " He returns to his father, "
Dad, she said ' Hell yeah I would! ' " The father then answers, " Okay son, here's the
deal...Hypothetically, we would be millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a
couple of stank whores. "


The BB scare

[Note: I know that there are some anatomically impossible factors with this joke, but it's
still funny as hell]
	Three kids, Bobby, Billy and Joey decide to experiment, and they each swallow
some BBs. Then they each go to their separate homes. After an hour or so, Bobby is
upstairs in his bedroom and shouts, " Mommy! Mommy! " Bobby's mother rushes
upstairs and asks, " What's wrong?!! " " Oh my god!  I just pissed out some BBs! " So his
mother takes Bobby  to the hospital emergency room. Later, Billy is upstairs in his
bedroom and shouts, " Mommy! Mommy! " Billy's mother rushes upstairs and asks, "
What's wrong?!! " " Oh my god!  I just pissed out some BBs! " So his mother takes Billy 
to the hospital emergency room. Still later, Joey is upstairs in his bedroom and shouts, "
Mommy! Mommy! " Joey's mother rushes upstairs and asks, " What's wrong?!! " " Oh my
god!! I was jacking off and I just shot the cat!!! "