JOKES GALORE 11
You got beef? I ain't a vegetarian!


There is no 'I.Q.' in NBA

	 Phil Jackson is getting worried about his team's recent poor form against the
Blazers.  So Phil gives Mike Dunleavy a call and explains his problem. Mike is very
understanding and invites Phil down to watch his team training. So Phil turns up in
Portland and spends a day watching the Blazer players. At the end of the training session
he says to Mike, "I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that
you do, but you still beat us all the time". "Ah" says Mike, "I don't think its anything to do
with the training. I think its because my players are more intelligent than yours. Well, We
also train our boys in lateral thinking." To demonstrate his point he calls over Rasheed
Wallace. "Rasheed, here's a problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your
brother; who is he?" "That's easy. It's me." "Correct" says Dunleavy. Phil is very
impressed. He goes back to Los Angeles and next day in training he calls over Shaquile
O'Neal. "Shaq, I've been talking to Mike Dunleavy and he reckons his players are more
intelligent than ours." "That's nonsense, Boss." "OK," says Phil, "I've got a question for
you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?" Shaq looks blank and
replies "I need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?" Shaq
goes home thinking about the problem. He decides to give Kobe Bryant a call. "Hello
Kobe, its Shaq. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your
brother. Who is he?" "That's easy", says Kobe, "It's me." So Shaq calls over Phil the next
day in training and says "Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question" "OK. What
is it?" asks Phil. "It's Kobe Bryant" replies the confident Shaq. "You stupid idiot" shouts
Phil, "It's NOT Kobe.............It's Rasheed Wallace!"

At the checkout line

A woman walks into the store and purchases the
following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!


If you only knew...

	Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?"
the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does
it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way
to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?"
says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was
cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom,
and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I
ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to
the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man
shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you
had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


Out with the Mrs.

	Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing
volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break
from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says
"Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been
here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the
waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as
usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just
know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms
around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her
things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he
jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger
have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you
picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"


It’s About the Father..

	Three nuns were talking in the church about their local priest’s ‘unholy’ activties.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I
found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I
was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh
my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of
them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.


Feel the Power

	As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.
Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first
few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so
the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The
last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the
bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came.
A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"


It’s About Time

	A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to
go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and
she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says,
"how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I
have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake
up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So,
he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head
flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out
of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. 

"Take your thumb off the end!!"


Who Gets the Best of It?

	A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about
who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why
do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the
woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it
and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"


6 in the Morning

	The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and
lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to
come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


Golf Lesson

	A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club.
The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to
hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now
hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and
hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her
ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands
dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the
club out of your mouth and hit the ball."


It’s My Birthday

	It's this chicks's 25th birthday. She gets a package at the Post Office and goes to
collect it. At the counter the man brings his package to her, and asks, “So, what brings a
fox like you, to a dump like this?” She says, "It's my birthday today, and I’m getting a
package from my Mom." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office
worker. "25," says the woman. "Well, have a good day ma’am," says the worker.
"Thanks," replied the woman. To get home, She man has to take the bus. At the bus stop
a guy walks up and waits soon after she arrives. The man says to the lady, "So what are
you so happy about? "It’s my birthday," says the lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me,"
interjects the man, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah?
What's that then," asks the man. "If I fuck you 35 minutes, I can tell exactly how many
years old you are," says the man. "I don't believe it."she remarks. "Well let me prove it!"
"I'm not going to let you fuck me!" says the girl. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then,
but if you’re interested, I’ll bet you $500" replies the man. After a couple of minutes
curiosity gets the better of the her, and she says, "Oh, okay then, you can do me." After
they caught the bus, they went back to her place, and got it on. After so, the man exclaims
"You are 25 years old exactly," Having his accurate skill shown off the girl had no choice
but to give him the $500. So now the man takes the money, get’s dressed, and walks out
the door. But as he made it to the sidewalk outside, she caught his attention from her
apartment window. "I’m still wondering, how the fuck could you tell that I was 25?!"
exclaims the woman, impressed. The man looks up, smiles and replies, "I was behind you
in the line at the Post Office,"


Size DOES Matter

	A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard
work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over,
weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost
as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring
tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over,
measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this
remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife
calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are
sadly mistaken."


Family Problems

	A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "what's
wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender
says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15
tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he
found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy
returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in
your family gettin' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"


Perception

	A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first
guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one
thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the
boss yells "Get the fuck out!". So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This
job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And
the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So the boss says, to him, "Get the fuck out!"
As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss
has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it." So the guy
goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that
you notice about me?" So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says,
"Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause
you ain't got no ears."


Indian Sundial

There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he
sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on
the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and
asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as
sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his
"3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his
horse and keeps going. Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and
thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his
"one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again!
Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again. After riding a while again,
he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was
jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which
the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."


Only One This Time....Unless.....

	A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He
picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me
from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one
wish.” The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you
build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and
said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach
the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel...! No. Think of
another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married
and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what they're
thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what
they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

“Forget about that,” man says. “Lets make some kind of deal here” The genie informs the
guy that he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for his ex-wives will get
twice as much. "How about $1,000,000.00?" he asks. "Your ex-wives now have
$2,000,000.00 in their accounts as well," says the genie. "I've always wanted a Benz, how
about that?" he asks. "Each of your ex-wives now has two of those cars," says the genie.
The guy stopped to think for a minute, knowing that he had only one wish left. "Could
you beat me half to death?”


Conversion

	A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the
Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard
barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to
Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a
priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a
Catholic." The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every
Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the
neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.
They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped
in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow, raised a cow,
now a fish!" 


Stormy Night

	One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her
small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence
was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy." 

What’s For Supper?
	A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to
face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers,
dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the
husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" “Well, I came down here this morning to
surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his
biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean.
Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they
went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new
wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as
this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again
the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have
my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband
comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of
the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband
asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" 
"Warming up your supper!" she replies. 


Signals

	Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots
another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the
worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to
his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The
man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts
masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor
and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy
says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


Definitely

	A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the
word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the
word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The
sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because
sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The
teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really
correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have
lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want
to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."


Auction

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the
thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife :
"Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off
cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two
thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they
held the auction."


In the Hole

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm
back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and
comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as
a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands
the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later
the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's
from your Grandma."


Math Class

	Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any
attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three
ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the
teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise
is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a
shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a
question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting
her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The
teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one
that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring
on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"


Classefieds

	A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man
with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She
got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so
I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob
replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"


Famliy Wedding

	Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had
all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all
stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't
sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went
to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest
daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the
mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter
replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She
looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The
daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet
in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I
should never talk with my mouth full."


Onward to Europe

	A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young
sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around
her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded
yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid
her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine
search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.
She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors.
He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is
lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'