JOKES GALORE 10 10 files long, and still going strong......Just like my schlong! Busted This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat." Bears Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says "You don't really come here for the hunting, do ya?" S.O.B. After Sunday Service, a voluptuous young girl gomes to confession. Here's how it went..... Priest: What is your sin child? Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch... Priest: Why? Girl : Father he touched me.... Priest: Like this???? (The priest then touches the girl...) Girl : Yes!!! Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch. Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked... Priest: Like this??? (The priest then rips the girl's clothes off.) Girl : Yes!!! Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch. Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me... Priest: Like this??? (The priest then has wild sex with her.) Girl : Yes exactly like that!!! Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch. Girl : But father he had herpes!!! Priest: That son-of-a-bitch!!!!! To Bang, or not to Bang...... Two men were walking in a forest one day when they came upon a farm house. They knocked on the door and the farmer came up. "Can we stay here tonight, sir? We are tired and hungary and need some place to sleep." The farmer replied, "If you want to stay here, you must have sex with my daughter." And then his fat, ugly, smelly 18-year old daughter walks down the stairs. One man replied, "Na, I'd rather stay out here in the snow and cold." The other man said, "Yeah, I guess I'll do it." After a well-cooked and hardy meal, he put a ear of corn in his pocket. The farmer said to him, "Now you must go up and have sex with my daughter." He walked in the bedroom and saw the farmer's daughter laying on the bed naked. "Do you mind if I blindfold you? It's a lot more fun!" he said. "Sure!" she exclaimed. So he blindfolded her, took out the corn, and used the corn in place of his dick. When he was done and she was satisfied, he threw the corn out the window. That night he slept the best he had slept in a long time. He came downstairs, thanked the farmer, and walked out the door. The other man ran up to him and exclaimed, "Thank you so much! If it wasn't for that hot-buttered corn I wouldn't have survived!" Barcelona A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth.. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM... SCREEEECH..... "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife." the Asylum A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out" Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied: "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!" Check-up A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped." a Heart for a Whore A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!" Life as an American Americans yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take five years to pay off. We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles per hour. We know the line up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the Star Spangled Banner. We will spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90-miles-per-hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen-year-old son run wild. We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off of our backs. We will work hard on a farm so we can move to town where we can make more money so we can move back on the farm. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We get upset we are spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year on cigarettes. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping, or fishing, but when we are out at the game, mall, or on the lake, we talk about business. We are one of the most civilized nations on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces. We are the country with more food to eat than any other country in the worldand more diets to keep us from eating it. More Dumasses..... IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail. DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS? A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years. YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom. LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years. OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE! A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. See Rex Count..... Two farmers are shooting the shit out in the fields. The first farmer starts bragging about how his dog can count. The second farmer, not believing this, says, "Prove it." So the first farmer says, "Ok Rex, go count the ducks in the pond." So Rex runs takes off and comes back a minute later and barks four times. The first farmer says, "Four ducks in the pond." So the second farmer walks over to the pond and sure enough, four ducks are in the pond. He goes back to the fields and says, "That's bullshit, let's see him do that again!" The first farmer looks at Rex and says, "do it again boy." So Rex runs down to the pond again and when he returns he barks ten times. The second farmer goes back down to the pond where, lo and behold, there are ten ducks. "Shit!" said the farmer. However, he still was not convinced. So, he goes back to the first farmer and says, "One more time." So the first farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond. Moments later, Rex returns and begins to vigorously screw the first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a stick and begins shaking it like hell. The second farmer gloats, "See, that fuckin dog can't count. He's gone fuckin mad!!" The first farmer says, "No, No, you don't understand him. He's saying, "There are more fucking ducks down there than you can shake a stick at!" Fantasy Island A ship wreck leaves five men and one woman on a deserted island. They wanted to be fair, and since none of them were promisucious, they decided to each marry the woman for a week and then divorce her, and the next man one marry her. The one-week marriage arrangement went on for about nine weeks and everybody was happy, The men got to have a week of affection each month, and the woman was having all the sex she could get, until one day the woman caught a strange disease and died. The first week was bad; the second week was worst; the third week was terrible; the fourth week was horrible and the fifth week was, in fact, you don't wanna know! Then, it got so bad that finally on the sixth week, They buried her!