JOKES GALORE
blonde edition

Speeding

	One day a police officer pulls over a car for speeding. The driver turns out to be a
gorgeous blond woman. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... Could I see your
driver's license and registration...?" "License...registration???" replies the blonde. "They're
usually in your wallet and glove compartment." says the officer. After fumbling for a few
minutes, she produces the documents. "I'll be back in a minute," says the cop and walks
back to his car. He radios the dispatcher to run a check on the license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher comes back. "Ummm.... is this a hot-looking blond
woman driving a red sports car?" "Uh... yes" replies the cop. "Here's what you do...."
advises the dispatcher. "Tell her to get out the car, then stand back and drop your pants."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that!" exclaims the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." says the
dispatcher. So the cop returns to the blonde, tells her to get out of the car and he drops his
pants. The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer...."


jigsaw puzzle

	John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"I have this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together." "What's the
picture of?" asks John. "A big green rooster," replies Buffy. So he goes over to Buffy's
house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
John looks at the jigsaw and says, "Buffy, put the Corn Flakes back in the box..."


licences

	A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see
her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


Alligators

	A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all
means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the
blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the
day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep
in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly
toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


Pictures

	Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a
make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she
says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


Air blondes

	There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two
hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but
it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he
gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have
two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the
two last engines we will be up here all day" 


birds

	A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and
says, "Where?"


Disney Land

	There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were
about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde
turned back around and went home.


Elevator

	There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to
pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed
that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the
elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and
says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies
"That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


the blonde exec

	A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a
boat in the middle of a corn field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that
give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"


pregnancy

	Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results.
The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red
head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops,
thinks a minute and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


ransom

	A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a
kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him
behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note
saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and
place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. OR YOU WILL NEVER SEE HIM
AGAIN! Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
him home to show his parents.

	The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper
bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that
said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


locked out

	Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes
with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The
blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde
said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


Swimming

	A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke
division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead
second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived
with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure
those other two girls used their arms."


pull over

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking
and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking like
there's something awful going on."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 195".


magic lamp

	Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it
and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10%
smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the
island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can
get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She
then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.


blonde convict

	There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two
brunettes. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm
house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops
came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just
three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure
it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she
yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."So he kicks
the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says,
"Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells,
"DUH, POTATOES!"


astronauts

	There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde that want to be astronauts. Their all at
the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the
moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go
to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The
flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go
at night."


first class

	A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first
class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of
each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde
woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman,
"You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask
you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful,
I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her
supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies,
"You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in
first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must
move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he
interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he
proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach
seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did
you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."


in pain

	A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and
says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean,
you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you." She then touches herself on her leg.
"OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she
touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks
on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says
"Yes, why?" "Because your finger is broken."


Fire

	One day a Blonde girl came home from school and decided to surprise her family
with a home cooked meal. So she started to cook some Kraft Macaroni and on the stove
and as it was starting to sizzle she put down the dish towel to take a nap in her room.
Later she awoke to a burning smell and realized her kitchen was in flames. Frightened she
stared to spit and blow on it in panic. Finally she called 911. The operator picked up and
said,"911 what's your emergency?" "My kitchens on fire!" wailed the blonde. "All right
calm down get ahold of your self." the operator insures, "Now tell me how do we get to
your house?" then the blonde says, "DUH -- USE THE BIG RED TRUCK!"


Trees

	A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde
woman driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The
woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I
looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was
another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of
me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied,
"Ma'am...that's your air freshener." 


A bet is a bet

	A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead
bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40
story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied. A few minutes later, the
newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The
redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and
tells her that she does not need to pay the $50. "No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I
owe you $50 dollars." The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't
understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's
okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Videos

	A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to
rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for
a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles,
slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. She walks
up to a clerk working there, and she says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and
there's nothing on the tape, but static." the store clerk says, "Sorry about, that. We've had
problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the blonde replies, "It's
called 'Head Cleaner'"


The interview

	This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde
quickly responded, "The living one."


Bottom Deodorant

	A blonde walks into the drug store and asks the clerk for 'bottom deodorant.' "We
don't sell 'bottom deodorant' " the clerk explained. "But I always buy it here!" the blonde
said, "Look I have an old container with me." The clerk looks at the container and says,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the
container back and reads out loud from the label, "To apply, push up bottom."


Snow storm

	A blonde gets lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had
once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for
about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was
doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow
a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now
you can follow me over to K-Mart."


Firemen

	One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were on top of a burning building, and
there were firemen on the ground with a big blanket. The firemen scream "Jump!" and
soon after, the redhead jumps. But right before she lands on the blanket, the firemen
snatch it out from under her and she hits the ground, breaking her arm. The firemen laugh
their asses off, then they yell "Jump!" once more. The brunette steps to the edge, but
screams, "How do I know you won't let me hit the ground like that other chick?!" one of
the firemen shout out, "Don't worry, we'll catch ya! We just don't like redheads, but we
love brunettes!" So the brunette jumps, and right before she lands on the blanket, the firemen
snatch it out from under her and she hits the ground, breaking her leg. The firemen laugh
their asses off, then they yell "Jump!" once more. The blonde steps to the edge, but
screams, "How do I know you won't let me hit the ground like those other chicks?!" one of
the firemen shout out, "Don't worry, we'll catch ya! We just don't like redheads, and we hate
brunettes, but we really love blondes!" That's when she replies, "That's okay, just put the
blanket on the ground and step away....."
love brunettes!"