Letting Go
Something came to me today, a memory from an experience I had some
months ago. I was conscious in my distorted reality, different concepts
assailing my awareness with a frightening wonder. It was very hot and
so I took off my shirt and sprawled on the floor, and my surroundings
crept into my head.
I could feel and see the road outside, the trees, the houses, all the
strange people going round and round in circles, a never ending path of
frivolous self gratification. I wanted to go outside and wander among
them, to feel the sunlight in my face, on my hands, to hear the
movements of the trees and human life, to feel the energy of life in
savage motion.
But I couldn't. I couldn't go outside because I wasn't wearing my
shirt. The system does not accept it, I would be made to feel inferior.
Because they always place limits upon you. And even when you say 'fuck
them' and go for it anyway, they won't leave you to enjoy doing what you
want because you are going against their brainwashed policies, and so they
must pick you apart until all joy is gone and you are left feeling empty and
abused by people who wanted to make you feel as they do, because they
don't possess the will to rise from their self-made prisons.
Last night, in my sleep, I was rollerskating in the snow. It was an
enjoyable experience, and I did not feel the cold with my exhiliration.
I was one with my surroundings and nothing could stop me.
But then I slipped and fell. I realised how tired I was. I just wanted
to rest for a minute. But when I tried to get up, I could not stand.
My attempts were made in vain; I just did not have the energy. I fell
back to the ground once more and simply lay there. I could feel no
pain. I tried rubbing my arms, which were red with the numb cold, but
apart from a vague tingle of pain I could not feel a thing. I was
sleepy, and I did not need to worry about reaching my destination. Instead, I
laid still and waited for death.
I had let my surroundings overcome me. I had let the outside world
intefere and make my life a prison, which only death could overcome.