Last Night
Last night I was a god. I could do anything. And it only took 750
milligrams.
I was at home. Spaced out. I kept leaving my body. When I pressed my
ear to the floor I could hear voices. I could see people observing me.
I was keeping a journal of the experience entitled "DXM" and strangely,
whenever I wrote in the notebook, I felt strange sensations in my penis
which were a little unpleasant:
'There's a woman in my head shouting "Faster! Faster!"
But it isn't sexual, though.
I am seeing the world as I see it within my dreams. My fears can still
haunt me, but I can control them and have focus. Yet I have no focus.
This isn't real. Please forgive me [...], if I don't get back [in time].
This world seems real and yet not real.
Faster! Faster!
I don't want to die, but I don't think I'm going to. This world is strange.
It has shown me the hypocrisy of this world.
[...]'.
I was in touch with my astral self. I was me.
'This is a moment I have been building up to. Within in my
dreams. I am within my dreams, they are within me.
[...]
You can hear strange sounds when you put your head to the floor.
Someone's knocking at the door. He lives over the fence.
He wants to cut down the elder-berry tree. It's fine. But he was sorry
that he had "woken me".
I'm sorry [...], that I can't be [there] now. Too drugged.
I need help.
Ambulance?
I think that I'm scared that I'm going to die. I can see you reading this.
I've seen this all before. This whole notepad, this text.
I love you [...] & I hope I won't die.
I can see you reading this.
I hope I live to see you reading this.
I want to be with you.
I'm phoning the hospital.
[...]
I am with you now. I feel as if I've been with you all through this.
Connections. I know things I couldn't know.
De Ja Vu
I'm sorry for any worries I've caused.
Sorry for not being [there].
I've come full circle.
[...]'
(Personal things followed, which are left unquoted)
I was dreaming as I spoke to the man on the 'phone. I was connected
metaphysically as I spoke. I could touch people with my mind. I 'phoned
the hospital and then emergency services to request an ambulance. My
heart was racing, and I was shaking. I didn't want to leave this world
because I was in love.
In the dream the ambulance men came and knocked on the door. They were
interested that I drank Earl Grey tea and played the guitar. They were
looking around for bottles of medicine. They took me out to the abulance
and double-locked the front door. I lost my notepad, but they must have
had it because they gave it to me again. In the ambulance we spoke about
70s heavy metal. One was humming 'Milk and Alcohol'. They weren't
allowed to give me any water.
When I got to the hospital I thought I was in a spaceship. I was in a
dream. As they moved the bed, I was boarding a mothership, like in The
Empire Strikes Back.
This was a dream. But I was waking up. It wasn't a dream.
I looked into the mirror. Napalm Death were playing in my head. I could
see the 'face beneath the face beneath the face beneath the face beneath
the face...'
I could see myself. I was outside my body, and I could see myself as
others saw me. People didn't really hate me. I wasn't a bad person. I
didn't have any reason to feel so bad about myself. I had perspective.
I was connecting. I was in a dream-like state where I could leave my body
and go off to different places. I could see the one I love but I couldn't
communicate with her. I was scared she was angry with me.
I love her. I hope I didn't hurt her. I wanted to cry. I had seen this
all before. I think I could see her crying, but I wasn't sure.
I had oxygen. I didn't need oxgen. Where was the morphine when I needed
it?
I woke up, wandered about, couldn't think straight. Slept with my head on
a chair.
I was on a spaceship, this not a X-Files fiction but a chemically induced
reality. Where was Mulder and Scully? Where was Smoking Man? I wanted
some Malboros.
I was moved to another room. There were old people here. One of them
needed a machine to help her breathe. I was going to die. They moved me
here so I would be out of the way when I died. I was in a ward where
people come to die. They were monitoring my heart and it was racing. My
heart was beating so fast the bed was shaking and it was rattling the
post, keeping a woman awake. I was worried I would be disturbing her and
she would complain and it would agitate me and I would cardiac arrest.
I wanted to know. 'Doctor'. He couldn't hear me. Did I exist? Was I
dead? I had to peel these wires from me. Too apathetic.
I peeled them off and went into the nurses' break room. I couldn't walk
properly or stand sill. I leaned on a table. I asked if I would die.
She said no, that it would be best if I got some sleep. She showed me
where the toilet was.
As I walked there, I was experiencing tunnel vision, 90-degree phase
shift in the temporal dimension as my body struggled to catch up with my
legs. White Spirit's very own DXM-cam.
I went to the toilet. Had difficulty peeing. When I was in the spaceship
I was worried I would lose my penis or my legs. I think it was the demons
making me feel this.
The nurse took me to my bed. I asked her if I was going to die. She said
no one was going to die. I said I didn't want to die and she put her arm
around me. I wanted to cry. I put my arm around her too, needed to hang
on. I felt that I loved her, and then I thought of the one I
love.
She put me back to bed and wired me up. She said not to worry, that I had
just swallowed too many bottles of cough syrup. I said if I wasn't going
to die, why were they monitoring my heart? She said that it was a bit
irregular and that they were just keeping an eye on it. I think she might
have been holding my hand. She was really kind. I wanted to hug her. I
wanted to be with the one I love.
I could hear heart monitors flat lining. It might have been mine. But
this wasn't happening. I could hear the election results. 'Labour...
landslide'. Had they won? Why did I care? I was going to die. I still
wasn't convinced this wasn't a dream, although I had my notebook as proof.
I also had a premonition that I would die. I can see you reading this.
I can see you all reading this now.
I woke up. Had breakfast. Had to have toast and jam because of my diet.
And black coffee. I wanted some morphine. Or maybe oxygen.
I saw the nurse again. She said I had done no permanent damage. I saw
the doctor also. He said I would be fine and not to do it again. I then
saw one of the consultants I barely saw last night. When I saw her
yesterday I must have known her from somewhere before because this was all
meant to be. I had been building up to this.
I was still drugged as I walked home. My heart is still racing. I had a
premonition yesterday that I would die some time after typing this. I
don't know whether it is true or not. I'm not frightened. I'm numb.
This has opened up another side of me. While I was on the spaceship, I
saw me as I really am. I opened up a part of myself. The face beneath
the face is a strength. I am strong. I could see myself as I closed my
eyes. I could see myself in different social situations. While I was on
the ship I was also at a party, like in an episode of The Prisoner. On
the beach, at the party, at that party in Edinburgh where I got stoned for
the first time. I am number 6.
It's opened up a part of me, a dark side. It's a psychic drug, and it has
changed me. I don't know how long it will last. Part of me, this part,
wants to repeat the experience. But me, this other part, doesn't. And
the other? The other doesn't know what is best for me. Why is it that
when I try to do the right thing, people hate me, but when I try to injure
myself, people give sympathy, notice me, like me? The other might have
it right.
I don't want to go. I don't want to die and yet I do. I... If you are
reading this, if I get the chance to send this to you, I want you to know
that I never meant to hurt you and I love you so much. I still have my
notepad, and what I wrote was about me and about you. I want to live so
that I might give it to you. I saw it in the dream, in my house, on the
spaceship. I also saw my death, so I don't know which will come about.
I just want to be with you.
D.
2/5/97