ep18

October 1, 2001    BEFORE I drift off into LaLa Land:The Death Adventure I'm going to give in to all the folks who the last couple of weeks have said "Don't stop spewing words all over the internet on our account." Since much of what I've written over the years that hasn't yet been included here and being the wordy chick I've always been, I'm sure there are a few more syllables I can squeak out of my diminished lungs. It truly is one task that takes very little energy and provides so much relief .. for me, and I'm hoping, for you.
   An update on the quilts: thanks to the valiant and selfless gifts of time from members of the PieceMakers Quilting Guild and that of eastern Wisconsin cousins and friends, one quilt is tied, and the 2nd is on the frame. Meanwhile, I'm still groveling about trying to get enough pieces cut out for the 4th quilt.
    Much of what is on this (and subsequent?) episodes is taken from newsletters I sent to clientele while I was running a business. Some of it is new or newly twisted. Please accept these addendums as just more examples of all the promises I didn't keep.

Oct 10, 2001 7:10 a.m.
They hauled in oxygen equipment yesterday. By the middle of last night I could not do without it: Removed the 'hose in my nose' to walk five feet to the bathroom and was gasping for air by the time I returned. Have you ever realized how addicted we are to oxygen? Seems like we just can't live without it!     : o)
   My sis is here with me, hugging me often, holding me when I cry, helping me give away and discard a lifetime of stuff. Bless her and everyone who, in the last few weeks, have hugged me in their arms or in their hearts.
   Three of the four quilts are finished, and sis and I are diligently working to get the fourth ready for the quilt guild to tie. I'm almost ready to fly, now.
   Please, look for me! Can you see if there are knobs on my back yet where the wings will grow?
October 16, 1:24 a.m.
   I didn't realize that just inhaling oxygen carries with it its own set of problems. Started with nosebleeds
while I slept, corrected (we thought) by letting the
oxygen reach me through bubbling distilled water:
essentially humidifying me. Unfortunately, the bleeding continued during night 2, dried in my nasal passages and prevented me from breathing through my nose. Of course in my slumber I simply bypassed the problem by breathing through my mouth. Woke with a horribly dry mouth, bloody tubing and the all too familiar gasps for air. Now I'm boiling water and inhaling the steam of it several times a day and will be sending out for more meds to stiffen up my nasal passages. Whatever happened to the simple solutions of chewing bark from trees to heal all wounds?
   I occasionally become impatient .. waiting for the final day. Not wanting to say goodbye to my loved ones but hating to let them see me this way. My pastor (and friends) tell me it's because I still have something to do. Ask me if I've forgiven everyone yet... wonders if there isn't still something tethering me to this earth. I rack my brain wondering who I've forgotten, who has left the marks of anger in my soul so deeply that God will not yet accept me. Well .. let me say this to that: I forgive ALL of you.. and most of the time, I forgive me.
(Bet she'd say that last bit is my problem. ;-) Oh well. Maybe I DO still have work to do.)
Sunday morning: I tried to visualize letting go last night. Had some 'all alone' minutes and wanted to experiment. Obviously no success; cause here I am, again, throwing words on a page like .. you don't want to know what like but it's really really similar. I'd better keep working on quilt #4.
October 16, 2001 3:28 p.m.
Words belong here ... information to keep you up-to-date ... words to let you know I'm still thinking of you. It won't be long and you come to this site and see - on the cover page - the obituary notice. My spouse will be e-mailing everyone on my e-mail list a short notice of the memorial date. Most of the decisions are made, it only awaits the epitaph, I suppose.
   I should let You choose it. Each and every one of you that have come to this site and shared my ending. Will you? In 25 words or less...     all suggestions received while I'm still tethered to the earth will be listed on the front page until Yahoo abandons the site: approx. 45 days after my death.        Please.
October 20, 2001 4:07 a.m.    They're bringing a hospital bed into my home today (at my request). It is for the convenience of my caregivers, to provide space for visitors to my "sick" room, and to prevent my children from teasing their children with admonitions that "grandma died in that bed,you'd better go right to sleep or she'll cluck at you!"
   With the exception of the final seams, the final wrapping and the final tears of love, the quilts are completed. Now I'll just relax and enjoy all that I have accomplished during my life and hope that the people who come to visit during these last days begin to understand how satisfied I am with all I've done. Not just the good things... but the bad things as well ... the things that caused me embarassment or chagrin but that I learned lessons from. I feel confident that I have accomplished all that I needed to. (And if I'm wrong, Lord, you're just going to have to spell it out, 'cause I can't think of a thing left to do. :-)) Well, that's not exactly true .. I was considering going out for Halloween once last time. It's always been my favorite holiday and I thought it would be a hoot to go as a corpse.

October 23, 2001 Ok, maybe a corpse was a bit tacky. And in all honesty (with you and with myself) I will be neither going out, or hostessing in - as has been rumored. I realize how little time I have left and am going to be very selfish with it. And as much as I love halloween, sleeping through it while it goes on just below me doesn't sounds a horribly poor substitute.Each week I ask my nurse 'how much longer?' each week she grins at me and .. I really appreciate that grin. They're getting harder and harder to come by. Either my own or those on other faces. Guess we can all see the writing on the wall.........