SIDE EFFECTS
Dosage: Take two tablets every six hours for
joint pain.
Side Effects: This drug may cause joint pain,
nausea, headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience
muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. If you
feet faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking
this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables.
Okay foods.. flounder. Under no circumstances cat yak. Men can
expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis
is caught between the toilet scat and the bowl. Projectile
vomiting is common in 30 percent of users-sorry: 50 percent. If
you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine with
audible raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be
expected; up to one knee-buckler per day is allowable. Bowel
movements may become frequent, in fact every ten minutes. If
bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your
doctor, or in fact any doctor, or anyone who will speak to you.
You may find yourself be- coming lost or vague; this would be a
good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you
are in the 10 percent of users who experience "spontaneous
test pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like
burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas
and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear
what could he considered a "countdown." May cause
stigmata in Mexicans. Do not sit on pointy conical objects. If a
fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness
Book of Records. Do not operate heavy machinery, especially if
you feel qualified for a desk job; that's good advice anytime.
May cause famine and pustules. There may he a tendency to com-
pulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This drug may
cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this
happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming
impulse to shout out during a Catholic mass, "I'm gonna wop
you wid da ugly stick! " You may feel a powerful sense of
impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may
experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a
powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking around
time." Do not take this product if you are uneasy with
lockjaw. Do not he near a ringing telephone that works at 900
MHz, or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you
have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing
dissatisfaction with life, along with a deep sense of
melancholy-join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few
ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one month
trial subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. The hook shape of the
pill will often cause it to get caught on the larynx. To remove,
jam a finger down your throat, while a friend holds your nose to
prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw
yourself stomach-first on the back portion of a chair. The
expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless
it goes into a sinus cavity or the brain. WARNING: This drug may
shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to
cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front
of a TV may cause the screen to moire. While taking this drug,
you might want to wear something lucky. Women often feel a loss
of libido, including a two-octave lowering of the voice, an
increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle.
If this happens, women should write a detailed description of
their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob,
trailer 6, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or e-mail me at
"hotguy.com." Discontinue use immediately if you feel
your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience
"lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a
cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. Be
sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to
retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices
at sea will be- come pointless, as the user of this drug will
develop a stone, like body density; therefore, if thrown
overboard, contact your doctor. This product may contain one or
more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack
cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gum arabic-pardon me, an
Arab's gums-gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, English
muffins, poached eggs, ham, hollandaise sauce, and crushed
saxophone reeds. Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the
feeling of a "phantom third arm." User may experience
certain inversions of language.. Acceptable: "Hi, are how
you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly
on the phsssst." Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you
will experience an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID
THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend
handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT
WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You
should also he out of reach of any weaponlike utensil with which
you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed
to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk
them. Notice: This drug is legal in the United States only when
the user is straddling a state line.
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