Archives 53: Oscars 2003, Fisty on Oxford St, Rejected 1174: Short Adaptation, Oscar stories, Tadpole Revice, Relationships - the AV Sexperts tell, Poetry Corner: That Paedo-beastia-necrophile, The war on Iraq, Big Day Out 2003, Best films of 2002, Best music of 2002

OSCAR RACE IS ON
by resident film critic lodged 1:45am 12/02/2003

The Oscar nominations have just been announced and this year's contenders are led by what I expected would be the firm favourite: CHICAGO. Featuring an outstanding cast, relevant storyline, breathtaking choreography and an at times maniacal pace, Chicago is just too big and polished and awarded not to be the oscar favourite. With a huge haul of 13 nominations, including every major category except Best Actor (Richard Gere unceremoniously snubbed), it's exactly as the movie itself says: "give 'em that ol' Razzle Dazzle". If you dazzle them, they won't notice the weaknesses. Ironically this is the same sort of message in Spielberg's CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, which should certainly have been nominated, but only managed two nominations (for Supporting Actor and Score). As I have not seen many of the best picture nominations, I will not comment further on the predictions - but so far, I think Chicago is a special film that will be very difficult to beat. Miramax has had an amazing run, picking up 13 noms for Chicago, 10 for Gangs of New York and 9 for The Hours. It's an absolutely amazing feat - the top three nominated films all from the one studio.

What surprised me by the nominations this year (apart from Gere) is how adventurous they were. No standard Hollywood fare here. Even PEDRO ALMODOVAR gets a look in for Best Director. What an amazing brilliant choice for a film that has probably not even made a million bucks in America. And what about the original screenplay nomination for Y Tu Mama Tambien? That movie was a revelation and I can't say how good it is that the academy has managed to recognise this film, even though the Mexican selection committee did not choose it as the Mexican entry for best foreign film (same with Pedro's film - a huge slap in the face to the Spanish selection committee). And even though Peter Jackson missed out on a director's nom (that went to Pedro), his movie Lord of the Rings II, was given quite a few nominations including Best Film - not bad for a follow up! Next year, he should get a special award for one of the most amazing achievements in film making (and that it's a complete fantasy film makes this achievement even more remarkable). Adaptation was recognised too, which is so good to see, especially for Meryl Streep, Nicolas Cage and Chris Cooper (and Charlie Kaufman himself for the screenplay - note that Donald Kaufman is also nominated! hehehe). Now, Chicago might have 13 nominations, but this is Meryl Streep's world record setting 13th acting nomination, which beats Katherine Hepburn's 12 noms (all of them though were for lead actress, where as Meryl has only 10 lead actress noms). And Meryl's done this in half the time it took Hepburn. Jack Nicolson also I think breaks the male acting nominations, with twelve. If he wins, I think he might even have the oscars record for most awarded male actor.

It's also good to see Aussies get nominated. Nicole Kidman and cinematographer Dion Beebe are our representatives. Beebe did a beautiful job on Chicago, from his wonderful opening right until the very end. Here's a full round up of the nominees. Updates to be made progressively as the films viewed by me are seen. :

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Adrien Brody - An outstanding performance of a man whose body and soul goes through torture. The role of a lifetime from a director who you can feel has lived this horror.
Nicolas Cage - Absolutely Brilliant in this role. I think his performance beats Jack Nicholson's (as much as I love Jack).
Michael Caine - Fantastic in the Quiet American, but I think the movie lets his performance down.
Daniel Day-Lewis - Haven't seen Gangs of NY, so don't know.
Jack Nicholson - One of his best performances, and definitely playing out of character. Always a master who elevates the movies he appears in.

I think it's a major disappointment that RIchard Gere did not get an oscar nomination for his role as the smooth talking razzle dazzle lawyer. His role is also excellent. He's been given the same treatment as Nicole Kidman after she won the golden globe for her role in TO DIE FOR and was snubbed by not even getting an oscar nomination.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Chris Cooper - Adaptation is his finest hour and he's not a bad actor! I hope John C Reilly doesn't get a sympathy vote.
Ed Harris - Haven't seen the Hours.
Paul Newman - Well, isn't Paul Newman brilliant in the overlooked Road to Perdition. Though Chris Cooper is better.
John C. Reilly - Excellent role in Chicago, playing a guileless schmuck who knows it. For me, it's too small a role for it to be considered against Chris Cooper.
Christopher Walken - Walken lights up every minute of his appearances in this movie. It's an understated performance that you can't stop watching. My second favourite in this category.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Salma Hayek - Haven't seen Frida
Nicole Kidman - Excellent performance here. In just a third of a movie, she's in the big league. Renee might just get up being the more american in a very showy movie.
Diane Lane - Unfaithful. Will get out on video now that it has been nominated. Amazing that a film released so early in the year should be remembered for lead actress. Probly took the place of Meryl Streep for the Hours.
Julianne Moore - I don't think all the superlatives attached to Moore really apply, even though she does give a stunning performance - i still don't think it's as impressive as some other female performances given this year (or in past years).
Renée Zellweger - Wow, now this is a nomination that is deserved. Renee had no experience singing or dancing and carries alot of this movie, with expert help from Catherine Zeta Jones (who is so good, i would give her best actress ahead of renee). But it's not only her singing and dancing. Some of her facial expressions are truly comedic. My favourite is when Zeta Jones is proposing to her in prison, an act they can do together. There's a cut-away to her twitching her eyebrow like a school girl that had me in stitches.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Kathy Bates - Her about schmidt role is left field enough to keep her on the mind of academy voters. In this film, we see her naked!
Julianne Moore - I liked the Hours much better than that crappy film she was nominated for best actrees. Her role here is so hard to pull off - I mean, her character is by far the cruellest of the lot. Can love and selfishness be compatible - I think not.
Queen Latifah - Her one big song in Chicago is absolutely dazzling. She relishes every minute she's in and doesn't make you feel she's doing much even though she adds to the cynical humour of the film.
Meryl Streep - Outstanding in Adaptation. I'd give the award to either her or Catherine. Streep's performance again is so brilliantly worked out that it gives a moral gravitas to even the most preposterous of situations.
Catherine Zeta-Jones - She steals the movie. In the set piece "He had it coming", Zeta Jones is the fifth of six murderous wives and her performance is so good it overshadows all the others. Even when she's not trying, she gives the movie the extra razzle dazzle needed to make it a real possibility for best picture. Will her chances be cancelled by a Queen Latifah vote splitting the Chicago fans? If there's any justice in the world, she has to have the oscar in her hand.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
ICE AGE - Ok film, amusing, but the animation doesn't reach Disney or Dreamworks standards.
LILO & STITCH - Outstanding Disney film. Very radical in its female protagonist. Success at BO.
SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON - A very beautifully drawn animation, but really not as good as Lilo or Treasure Planet. I have to grant the film this though - for a movie about a horse where the horse doesn't talk, it's amazing how they manage to carry the story. Not that children mind anyway.
SPIRITED AWAY - Have not seen this Japanese 'masterpiece'.
TREASURE PLANET - I loved this film, mainly because the lead character is so disfunctional. Disney got real this year, and didn't even give the lead a romantic interest! The animation was awesome and it was obviously a labour of love. Unfortunately, it flopped badly in the box office.

DIRECTING
CHICAGO - An amazingly directed film, especially because the energy is so well captured, you forget how staged it is. First time director too. Though no where near as well first time directed as American Beauty was.
GANGS OF NEW YORK - Scorcese's work is stunning in this film.
THE HOURS - Haven't seen, but Stephen Daldry's work I can't imagine improving to such a high level after Billy Elliot (which was beautifully directed, but not THAT much)
THE PIANIST - Roman Polanski is a legend. He's a criminal in the eyes of the law but God dammit if the Pianist wasn't the most simmering unsentimental account of the holocaust. Very rarely can directors cause me goosebumps through their films - and this film did it.
TALK TO HER - YAY!  Pedro Almodovar gets a nomination. This is a huge SLAP IN THE FACE to the Spanish selection committee which didn't choose TALK TO HER as the Spanish entry for Best Foreign Film. As I haven't seen the film, I can't comment. But let's say this is a huge shock, especially since it seems to have taken the slot that Peter Jackson would've got. The academy is showing very wierd signs of progressive-ism in choosing so many foreign films. Just look at how art-housy this list is. If Chicago wasn't littered with celebrities, it would have the same credentials.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE - Haven't seen the others, but can't wait to see if Michael Moore will win. COULD YOU IMAGINE IT! WOW!


MUSIC (SCORE)
CATCH ME IF YOU CAN - Stunning Score. John Williams gets nominated for the 10000th time. Absolutely top notch effort that matches the film as perfectly as the best of John Williams' scores.
FAR FROM HEAVEN - How this movie was nominated is beyond me. A single handedly awful score that is as manipulative as the film. It was so over-the-top I was laughing. I am disgusted that it was nominated.
FRIDA - Haven't heard
THE HOURS - Have heard a bit of it at the Golden Globes and loved it. After watching the film, it is a typical glass score but absolutely integral in pulling off the unity of the three stories. Music is so important in tying in a film. This score proves it.
ROAD TO PERDITION - The score was very good here. Nice to see it get a nom.

MUSIC (SONG)
CHICAGO
8 MILE
FRIDA
GANGS OF NEW YORK
THE WILD THORNBERRYS MOVIE

We're going to get one hell of an awesome series of performances at this year's academy awards. Eminem's first oscar nomination. I think the U2 song will win. Hopefully Eminem will attend and stir things up. Paul Simon's song from the Wild Thornberry's is just beautiful. The words melt like butter.

BEST PICTURE
CHICAGO - Top notch film. I have my money on this one. See AV review.
GANGS OF NEW YORK - I loved Gangs of New York. Unfortunately most people I know didn't.
THE HOURS - I liked the Hours. What a follow up to Billy Elliot. Like the other English director (Sam Mendes), I think we can say that Stephen Daldry is no flash in the pan.
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS - Excellent to see this great film recognised. Peter Jackson misses out on director! Gets beaten to the post by a Spaniard.
THE PIANIST - Outstanding film, I can't wait to see it again. It's not as intense as Spielberg's Schindler's List but there's something about it that eats away at the viewer as you see the protagonist's soul in this film - you see the soul whither away just like the body. That's the feeling I got from watching it and I need to watch it again to confirm it, because it's such a hard thing to pull off. Whoever campaigned for the Pianist did an astonishing job in getting the film so many nominations considering how little viewed it has been.

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
ABOUT A BOY - The Weisz brothers did an excellent job after their American Pie movies. This one was really good.
ADAPTATION - If there's justice, this movie should win, though I'd hardly call it an adapted screenplay.
CHICAGO - Again very good bringing this to life.
THE HOURS - no comment
THE PIANIST - no comment

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
FAR FROM HEAVEN - As much as I love Todd Haynes, god was this movie bloody annoying. Ok, i know what you were trying to do, but you failed buddy!
GANGS OF NEW YORK - Haven't seen.
MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING - Good on this nomination. I loved the movie, and it's so good to see it get a recognition at this level.
TALK TO HER - Again, another slap in the face to spanish judges.
Y TU MAMÁ TAMBIÉN - An astonishing film fantastic to see it get the nomination it justly deserves. THe writing here is spot on and I don't even speak spanish. Would be a slap in the face to the mexican jury if their controversial film about the crimes of a priest didn't get a nomination for best foreign film (El Crimen Del Padre Amaro).

I just can't get over how well the academy has voted in so many of the categories this year.

A FISTY ON OXFORD STREET
27/01/2003

It was the Sunday night of the Australia Day public holiday and although the pyrotechnics show was cancelled on the harbour, a fist-fight of monumental proportions almost broke out as fireworks flew between Laszlo and Rudolph. This was the most commotion Oxford Street saw since Chi Chi Larue was mobbed outside Clover Moore's office earlier this year. The near fight erupted when Laszlo Virag, a soon to be resident of near-by Goulburn Street, confronted Mr. Pereira on a number of fronts. With barely a word spoken, Laszlo harangued Rudolph over the lack of an invitation to his wedding to Rachael. Laszlo was said to have asked: "What have I done to YOU that was so bad that you didn't invite me to your wedding?" Pereira pointed out with a steely/shaky resolve that it was Mr Virag's e-mail conduct which warranted the lack of a wedding invite. Virag was both shocked and angry that Rudolph could find his e mails offensive.

When an attempt was made to introduce Laszlo to Rudolph's wife - Virag, by then reduced to a livid wreck made a snide remark (witnesses cannot verify the various claims made). It was at this stage that Rachael Pereira gave Virag a look witnesses described as "pure unmitigated hatred". Laszlo's reaction to the "medusa" look was not to freeze into stunned existence, but instead assume total indifference to Mrs. Pereira's "death stare" and engage in further verbal attack over the lack of an invitation to the wedding with Rudolph. What Virag didn't know was that Rachael was only seconds away from wrestling laszlo outside the Verona cinema. As she later admitted to reporters:

"If I were a peace-nic and Saddam Hussein were to treat my husband the same way that Laszlo fellow did, I would turn into a greater hawk than Donald Rumsfeld. It's bad enough that I had to be 'woman' enough to not have a go at wrestling him, but I was this close (Rachael shows a 1 mm gap between her index finger and thumb to demonstrate how close) to make him cop it big time."

This female vs. male wrestling routine would never have been seen in the history of Paddington.

RACHAEL'S PAST REVEALED

Little did Virag know that Rudo's wife was literally called the "schoolyard wrestler" during her school years, and in the harsh surrounds (of dead beat 14 year old mums and unemployed dope smokers who jerk off before injecting heroin or methadone) of her childhood home in lower Mt Druitt, this plaudit wouldn't so easily have been given out by her fellow students.

The AV editor, who happened to be on the scene, quickly separated the sparring parties from each other before serious injury was inflicted on Virag. The editor led Rudolph and Rachael up the stairs to the cinema. And if the evacuation scene were a movie, Mr Virag's guttural cry from down the stairs of Verona matches the intensity of the death bed "rosebud" scene in CITIZEN KANE: "I hate you rudolph! I HATE you rudolph!! I HAAAATE you rudOOOolph!!!"

SPECIAL EDITORIAL #1

On Sunday night, I was witness to a scene so disturbing, I felt ashamed to be an Australian. Three grown people engaging in a bitter, near violent conversation on Oxford Street. And no, it wasn't three queens arguing over the merits of the new Mardi Gras board. It was:

1) Rudolph Pereira and;
2) The love of his life, Rachael, who made him stop his unquenchable need for coke (see archives) and single handedly resulted in the share price crash of CCA and;
3) Laszlo Virag.

There was colourful language and a look of almost indescribable anger coming from Rachael's face. I knew that given another thirty seconds, the scene would degenerate into a wrestling match unseen since the days of Andy Kaufman. Knowing that Rachael was a schoolyard champion in her early days as a child growing up on struggle street, I felt that it was my duty to spare police involvement into this domestic. I immediately evacuated Ruolph and Rachael into the cinema, while Laszlo was restrained downstairs by friends and supporters. Even tough he was restrained, shocked patrons of the Verona were witness to a heart breaking primal scream eminating not only from Laszlo's mouth, but his whole body and spirit: That desperate cry still keeps me up at night "I hAAAAate you Rudolph."

Such bitterness and hatred made me realise that I personally had to do more to cure these people of their unmitigated lust for brinksmanship and animosity. No two or three people should have such hard feelings towards each other. And no two or three or more people should ever allow their lives to become so petty that they cannot bare the look of another person, or get over such shocking feelings of hatred. Look at the situation! It's not as if we're dealing in weapons of mass destruction.

As AV editor, I have personally commissioned Professor Dumsign to study our articles on the incident, and decipher any hidden messages that could help both onto a path towards reconciliation, personal growth and mutual respect.

While some may say that the entire spectacle was staged and that the near fist fight and wrestling match was "So Andy Kaufman, it wasn't funny.", I believe after what I witnessed that all three persons involved in the fight need to take out some anger management courses. They have really disgraced their school, their state and their country. We must surely demand better from such unmitigated hatred.

REJECTED
1174: Short Adaptation fails tropfest test

The producer of the film 1174 Short Adaptation was furious after being rejected by Tropfest. This caps off a miserable two weeks for the film. Critics panned it as "unintelligent drivel which the director has the hide to call a parody". Friends derided it as "confusing" or "crap". And strangers were left with mouths open saying "what the fuck was that." The film's director, Dominic Moawad was blaming poor camera work, editing, lead female acting, hopeless supporting acting and 'tens of drama queens who were set out on destroying my vision from DAY ONE.' In a statement to the Australian Voice, Moawad wrote:

"there's one thing I learned, and that's you're only as good as the people you surround yourself with - and even though the film was about a self centred unoriginal narcissist - that the whole set was filled with doppelganger's for the lead character made the creative possibilities I wanted and expected impossible to achieve. Even though I maintain my film to be a masterpiece, I cannot help but acknowledge that the corrupted tropfest jury would have sensed my crew's ineptitude and punished the film accordingly."

CHICAGO SHOOTS FOR OSCARS
Sunday 09/02/2003

Don't be surprised to find that come Tuesday morning (1am), Chicago leads the nominations in this year's Oscar race. This is the only 'staged' musical that I know that overcomes its staged feeling and turns into a riveting piece of cinema. Performances from all actors are astonishing, the set is extraordinary (one scene featuring chorus girls' forming a Rolls Royce while Richard Gere straps in is subtley handled and brilliantly executed) and the script is bristling with cynicism, sarcasm and irony. Not usually the diet of an oscar film. Furhtermore, it is both a musical and a comedy, so if it wins, it will even be more surprising.

Chicago is still relevant today - the scene featuring Richard Gere, Rene Zelwegger and the Press is a virtuosic set piece that also works as the closest filmic embodiment to Chomsky's ideas on the press that I have seen. The film also tackles the brutality of capital punishment, the cult of celebrity and its subject can easily be transported into a commentary on why society is so obsessed with reality TV and the fleeting nature of fame for normal people.

Put aside all your objections to musicals and open your mind to Chicago. You'll be surprised at how much you enjoyed it.

TADPOLE NO FROG
An Inverted Woody Allen would be proud
07/12/2002
 

Tadpole is a fresh take on intergenerational love. Fresh because it's about older women and a younger man. Fresh because the boy in the script is a jail bait 15 years old. And Fresh because the woman he obsesses about happens to be his step mother. It's not ironic, that a french flavour fills the air of this world - the film makers must have been inspired by such classics as Olivier Olivier or Francois Ozon's Sitcom. The other interesting thing about this film is that in many respects it is like Y Tu Mama Tambien, which was a thinking person's Dude Where's My Car. This movie takes the ideas planted in American Pie (with Finch's character) and turns them into a more seriously minded feature film.

The film follows Tadpole (Aaron Stanford), who not being an ordinary 15 year old, reads Voltaire and Adam Smith and brushes off a sweet girl on the train, much to his best friend's disgust. Tadpole reveals he has eyes for another girl who he loves. It's not soon before we learn that his love is his step mom Eve, played by Sigourney Weaver (the biblical connotation being a bit obvious). Now Sigourney Weaver is every bit the 40 years the script makes out. Even though many 40 year olds have 'work done' to straighten out those wrinkles, Ms Weaver is presented au naturel. The film does some 'romantic' fantasies that are supposed to be funny - but they've been done to death in our post-modern era that they come off a bit flat. The rest of the film however, is funny, sometimes very. Interspersed with quotes from Voltaire (I assume since i haven't read voltaire), this low budget movie tries its best with the script. What's really radical here though, is the enlightened way in which the script proceeds - it doesn't make out that this 15 year old is incapable of choosing who he wants to sleep with. It's also pretty mute on passing judgment on other characters in the film. The parent's reaction to finding out their son has slept with a 40 year old woman is quite amazing. The father doesn't seem too disturbed by the whole thing. Perhaps he is aware that his son is so intellectually developed. But at the same time, the movie points out that the feelings Tadpole has are adolescent feelings. Even though he is still very smart, is he really mature enough to decide who he can sleep with and if he isn't then isn't the older lady he sleeps with taking advantage of that confusion? Who are we to decide?

What is really interesting about this film is that it latches onto the trend that the AV has been identifying in pop porn. And it is the trend of the assertive woman. While a low budget movie like Tadpole will be seen by a handful of people, its influence goes beyond that group - because those people watching also make movies and will incorporate a number of its ideas into popular culture. There had to come a time when women would get their revenge - having to put up with Woody Allen getting progressively older, while his leading ladies are in their early twenties. And this movie is just as literate as a Woody Allen comedy - very sophisticated sense of humour. It's amazing how much comedy right now has Woody Allen's presence in it. It's as though cinematic culture has moved towards the 1970s/80s Woody Allen. Even normal mainstream characters take on his mannerisms and way of talking. In this film, Tadpole is a perfect Woody Allen - and he'd be an ideal replacement for Woody Allen. Aaron Stanford plays the character so well that he can be very cruel to some of the girls his own age (you should see the way he treats the girl his dad tries to set him up with in Manhattan) and yet be sympathetic to the audience. Of course, he owes this to the groundbreaking work of Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore (of course in Rushmore, the older woman was a younger than 40 teacher, not his step mum or his step mum's best friend).

Strangely enough, Fred Nile and extreme elements of the Catholic Church have not taken up arms against this film. The outraged response they had to Lolita, is in stark contrast to the muted silence that has greeted this film. And there would probably be an outrage if the boy was in love with his step dad or a 40 year old man (but then again, UK Queer As Folk was given an R rating for straight to video release in Australia without a murmur). But the issue of censorship raises an important issue. Is this film a potential target for banning if a more conservative classification board should reassess the issue at the public's request? I really have to consult the Act and the guidelines, but I'm sure I read that depictions of under age sex are not on in film (even if older characters play it). This film should be a prime candidate. Right now, I'm assuming these guidelines apply to X rated movies, so as even the suggestion of a schoolgirl or boy would be banned. But as we've seen in recent years with the banning of Pasolini films and The Tin Drum (which won a best foreign picture oscar), we have to be very aware that we might not be able to view an artistic, intelligent, witty and funny film like this if our restrictive censorship regime were ever to be applied literally.

THE AUSTRALIAN VOICE WORKING FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Every once in a while, we receive a letter from a concerned member of the public whose personal relationship is hindering a full and happy life. In this case, we asked our TWO resident sexperts (one male, one 'female'). Both have given very relevant and helpful advice which Bennie can try to follow.
 

THE LETTER TO AV:

Dear AV sexpert,

I have been trying everything in the sex department to turn my girl friend on. I've fucked her kuma satra style, with a leopard's suit on, used sex toys, donned some leather, dressed as a chick (which i must admit, i really enjoyed) and even thought i'd surprise her with some public sex ala Woody Allen. None of it has worked. On top of that, she embarrassed me in front of my friends when she said that "sex was boring". Am at the end of my string. Friekin' jallopies, please help me, before she convinces ME that sex is boring."

SEXPERT 1

Dr Josh McHoov is a relatively new sex therapist who in that time has electrified the field with new cognitive behaviour therapies and a radical re-invention of electro-convulsive therapy. Mentored by his hero, Dr Chantelle, his PHD thesis on "Jungian dynamics in a post-freudian world and its relationship to infantile sexuality, michael jackson, starship troopers and sect behaviour" has had an influence far beyond Australia and is widely regarded as the greatest piece of sexpert literature since Dr Kerryn Phelps' autobiography.


Dear Anonymous,

As we begin to age our sex drive declines. It's just a part of life which sometimes you simply have to accept, like losing a few hairs on the head, or gaining a few on the back, or trying desperately to halt time by going to the gym everyday. I'm sure you don't have these problems yet though. From the little that you have told me I do not think that your problem is a declining sex drive, however. I think you have a far more easy-to-deal with issue. Your girlfriend is too demanding. There, I said it. We know that males aren't always the ones who are the horniest. Look at the Peruvian Llama. The females are always in heat, but the males can only perform once per lunar cycle. The male human isn't the most rampant of the species. It's the female and it seems your girlfriend is one of the worst sorts of degenerate, depraved, insatiable hornbags around. You say sex toys haven't worked? Try the washing machine on 'full load' setting and have her rub up against it. The complete cycle takes about an hour and a half. Vibrators won't work for your girl? Try a jackhammer.

If that doesn't work and you really want to remain part of her sex life (Though I can't imagine why, just get a good bottle of lube and switch on channel 10 news at 5pm to see Jessica, usually I last until the third headline - far preferable to a randy insatiable little girl) then try playing dress-ups. Pretend you are a primary school teacher and put on a suit and tell her to sit down, be quiet and draw. She'll be so turned off by this man-in-woman's role display she won't crave it for at least a week. After all, if you can't satisfy her, turn her off, she won't care if sex is boring then. If that doesn't work, offer to get your brothers together and have a sing along. The wholesome image of family togetherness that this will conjure in her mind is sure to dry her up. If all else fails, frost your hair a little - get some blonde in there (you know, like those asian boys do) - that's a sure turn off.

So, ok, you've tried turning her off, but she still wants it and is leaving silver trails behind like some snail with hay-fever. How can you both satisfy her, shut her mouth and keep her interested without dumping her and losing that important trophy girl which you impress your friends with? Ever made a movie? Try snuff. It'll turn her on and shut her up...permanently. Her attempt to embarrass you in front of your friends is a classical case of wanting a few more inches. We assume she doesn't want another man, or she would have left you. She just wants more of you. Try going in feet first next time.

Flippin' jallopies, sex is boring, get used to it. The only time sex is fun is when you are sixteen dressed all in white, and the number of people involved is enough to form a choir. After that, it's all hetero and in pairs. I mean, how fun is that by comparison? If you are going to remain straight, and in a monogamous relationship there's not much anyone can offer. It's like trying to spice up your coffee...maybe you can add a little cream - but you know it taste all the same.

Flippin freakin jallopies, if you want my advice, get out of this Christian western tradition. It's obvious that if your girl is finding sex boring it's because you aren't making it interesting, and if you aren't making it interesting, then YOU mustn't be interested. Go back to self-discovery - the kind found in all-boys primary schools and branch out. Swap the metaphoric coffee for a case of Absinth and wander down Oxford St hand in hand with a gay friend. If by the end of the night you too haven't donned a shirtless tuxedo and found a reason to leave this bi-atch of boredom, you might have to consider beastiality.

SEXPERT 2
 

Dr. Chantelle has been a sex therapist for over forty years. She often uses popular culture for inspiration as to therapies. She has drawn on 'Taxi Driver' when finding solutions to men who can't score with teenage girls, 'Driving Miss Daisy' to stress the importance of spicing your sex life after 80, and 'Totally Fucked Up' for teenagers who have it too good but want to feel sexually responsive to depression. Such a radical approach to the field has led to her winning the Crossing Medal of Clinical Psychology for evolutionary refinement of prognostic contingencies. She also has a large and loyal following of young sex therapists who draw on her work for inspiration.

Here is her response to the group member:

Dear Anonymous,

One thing straight women respond to is reverse psychology. So far, it is only you who have been trying to turn her on. Having watched the UK version of Queer As Folk, I discovered a handy form of reverse psychology that men can apply to women. This has been helpful in my sex therapy sessions with many couples who maintain it is impossible to get the female interested in engaging in sex.

Here's how it works. You need to do two things:

1. You should start watching episodes of Queer As folk on TV or get the UK episode 1 out on video and watch it together with your girlfriend. And then:

2. Next time you get together in a sexual way, DEMAND that she lick your arse. Tell her: "I've been dying to have it licked for years and dream about it every day. I haven't washed for a few days cause I want it licked clean." Now, because you have for weeks been trying to do everything from vibrators to leathers to cross dressing just to turn her on, she'll have no choice but to reciprocate your request. This experience might leave her disgusted and even if you think you wouldn't like to have your arse licked make sure you make her think you're having the time of your life.

But will her disgust and your enjoyment make her leave the relationship? NO! Why? Because chicks love nothing more than making sure that sex with a man who likes an ass licking is SO HOT that he doesn't switch sides. She will not only start making deep noises, she'll call you daddy fuck machine, lick your armpits like they're the font of life, vacuum the sperm off your pubes, beg you to suck her nipples and even put up with you throwing in a few mysoginist sex lines from pornos.

DON'T FEAR IF SHE REFUSES

There is a possibility that she won't follow through with the ass licking. Never fear. Just hug her and say "i'm sorry i asked you, i just felt i needed to be honest with you" - maybe throw in a tear or two. The mixture of fear of your fantasies and pity for your struggle to discover your sexual self will also make her do the more traditional stuff with the requisite flare and excitement you need to be satisfied. She'll never say "boring" again, that's for sure.

I mean, if anything, most males I've seen employ this strategy have come back to me not only with deep thanks for my genius methods, but an exhausted look on their faces. And as I've said in my book "Unlocking the door to feminine friskiness", if you think men are supposed to be obsessed with sex and have plentiful libido, just think about the potential of chick' libido since they don't have to replenish sperm cells to go on and on like a duracell rabbit. As one happy CAD operator at Space furniture told me:

"Ever since I told her about my ass licking fantasy, she thinks I'm a really sensitive man and does things for me she never would've done with the brute she thought I was. Thanks doc for the advice. It's helped me a lot - and the sex is still great. After the new year she was feeling tired having invited the whole family over, but I knew the trick would be to take her to Catch Me If You Can and tell her how good looking Leo looked. Needless to say, when we walked into the door of our apartment she pounced on me like a tiger. Thanks to your revolutionary practice, i have no energy at work to fuck with the chicks there and cause i'm showing no interest in them, they think I'm more 'creative' than I really am, so I got two promotions in ONE YEAR."

POETRY CORNER

This shocking tale written by the perverted mind of a mineland member, is reproduced in full here. It is a poem written by a dead dog that reads like a Dennis Cooper novel.

THAT PAEDO-BEASTIA-NECRO-PHILE
written by a dead dog (Dusty, passed away after 8 years)

before He goes bezerk
i see Him bark and jerk
and smirk and shirk
and shake and quake

wished i was alive
to feel Him live
but though i'm dead
my spirit's in His head -
i channel giving Him hot head in His bed.
until the end i lick and gobble
and bend and slick and slobber.

now He's hot so
looking at my photo:
"Dusty oh Dusty, why'd you leave oh Dusty
in a few more hours, your pic'll be crusty"

he aims as though to spell my name
but then it dawns as it hits me
that liquid goo all o'er my frame
is wasted life not fucking pee
it feels so good
o'er that plastic hood
my pic won't chafe
thank god He's safe

He sighs and cries after He's done
and kisses me where He'd just cum
 

and trying to lift a lot of worry
He says to me that He's so sorry:
"I know I might be a big pain
I promise I'll never do it again"

He then turns schiz and shit like that:
"I really need to work my fat
cause if I don't I'll cut off my bat
and outdo van gough that stupid gnat.
you see o dead dog Dusty, I jerk off to you to feel alive
it makes Me God - heaven no more for thee I strive"

But dead i am
heaven's a sham
and still He jerks
without revile
that paedo-beastia-necro-phile

THE WAR ON IRAQ
2003

President Bush has just delivered a brilliant State of the Union address. It was so beautifully written that it evoked the classic words of Kennedy. Most Americans will be itching for war now. But the increasing opposition in Australia is something worth investigating. Personally, I have no qualms with the US acting unilaterally to rid the world of Saddam Hussein. He is a truly evil dictator who has ruled his country with an iron fist and brought its population untold misery. The quicker he is gone and democracy and freedom established the better. An example of the mastery of rhetoric, and the spine tingling brilliance of the speech is printed below:

"And as we and our coalition partners are doing in Afghanistan, we will bring to the Iraqi people food and medicines and supplies and freedom... America is a strong nation and honorable in the use of our strength. We exercise power without conquest, and we sacrifice for the liberty of strangers. Americans are a free people, who know that freedom is the right of every person and the future of every nation. The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world; it is God's gift to humanity."

This coming out of the mouth of Roosevelt when sending his troops in to Europe would be 100% true. But to turn the impending US and Australian action in Iraq as some sort of duty on the President of America to deliver the Iraqi people freedom is essentially the biggest conceit and lie. It is a lie because if America sees freedom as God's gift to humanity, it would not have dealings with other highly oppressive regimes, like in  Saudi Arabia. It would be going to war to free the people of North Korea. It would remove the Islamic dictatorship in Iran. It would be fighting battles all around the world to deliver freedom. And as a person who believes in the concept of armed struggle for democracy and to protect freedom, I have no qualms with this tactic (and this is why I won't lose one night's sleep over the war in Iraq). But George W Bush has one concern only, and it is the OIL that Iraq contains, and all the potential for lucrative contracts in rebuilding the fledgling nation and the benefits that will flow from Bush's buddies getting a hold on the Iraqi oil supply.

THe USA's foreign policy is almost always directed to the best interest of the USA. It is not airy fairy or kind. But US foreign policy has been short sighted in what is best for the USA. It was best for the USA to fund the Taliban and Saddam Hussein once upon a time - and then Osama came back to haunt the USA. Saddam Hussein has turned into a nasty puppet for the USA. So, instead of the flowery rhetoric, the USA should come clean about what it's after. If George W really believes he is the bastion of freedom, then he will have a lot of work cut out for him in delivering to all peoples that one earth do dwell, freedom. Only time will tell if there is any sincerity in the "God" that George W invokes, or whether it is the same "God" evoked by the hypocrite rabiis in the synagogue (or in today's world, tele-evangelists). Don't get your hopes up people; remember this is the illegitimate President, whose brothers' corruption and Supreme Court Justice mates got him into his job.

SPECIAL EDITORIAL #2

Let's get this straight. Those idiot Australians (over three quarters of the population) who do not believe in military action against Iraq are deluding themselves. Their anti-americanism reminds me of the way the peasant populations in Europe were so easily swept away with hatred of the successful jews (ultimately resulting in the holocaust). So to those who don't want war, i say to you: enough of your commo anti-americanism. THE COLD WAR IS OVER. WE WON IT. TOO BAD. So don't come to us with your conceited rationalisations against war. who needs it?

We already know from Colin Powell's compelling, edge of the seat, smoking gun producing, Security Council speech that there are SATELLITE pictures that show that the Iraqi Government, under the brutal dictator Saddam Hussein, HAVE TRUCKS. That's right, they have TRUCKS waiting outside factories.

And those trucks can TRANSPORT. They transport little CAPSULES filled with anthrax (did you see Colin Powell hold it up in his speech - it's like a tiny vile and they can EASILY fit MILLIONS of these into one of those big TRUCKS that Saddam is hiding his weapons in). These CAPSULES end up with militant TERRORISTS.

The sooner tbe people of Australia realise that John Howard and George Bush are PROTECTING us from terrorism, the better. Of course, when there are no terrorist strikes you'll say: "see, i told you so, there's no risk" - but if Saddam is allowed to Willy Nilly flout everything we hold dear AND GET AWAY WITH IT, how are we supposed to deal with countries that actually do pose a REAL RISK to world security (North Korea)? I say to any doubter: Answer that one smarty pantz!

I for one am not willing to risk even a 0.000001% chance that these terrorists with their anthrax and deadly weapons will not destroy our opera house and harbour bridge and poison our kiddies with their noxious ideas and acts of devastation. GOD HIMSELF has ordained the freedom of the Iraqi people, and just because CUBA, LIBYA and GERMANY don't want war, doesn't mean we must shy away from our crusade. SADDAM NEEDS TO GO NOW before it's TOO LATE! Freedom dictates it and God dictates it for the safety and prosperity of all civilised humanity.

BIG DAY OUT 2003
 

Big Day Out was turning into a dud day out until rescued by DJ Luke Slater and Kraftwerk. Sydney turned on yet another scorcher of a day which made it difficult to enjoy mediocre bands... the hot weather really sorts out how much of an act you can tolerate for the amount of burning your skin does. This correspondent was joined by Paul Dobson on the hot day, and in between bits, you'll get a sense of his verbatim comments I recorded in my notebook.

1:50: Augie March... caught the end of the Augie March set - it was competent, the song we heard was quoting a bit of country music. But the real reason I was here was to catch a bit of a band called THE MUSIC. Sure, I haven't heard of them, but with a name like that, they must be real good. So at 2:00pm sharp, The Music came on stage. They got a big reception. THE MUSIC is a hard rock band that uses sampling to achieve an almost nu-metal sound... that was their first song anyway. Five minutes into the gig, Mr Dobson was complaining of being "sweaty" and other such ailments that come from a hot summer's day. So, we moved over to the side, got us some food (the Chicken Kebab was awful) and heard the music under the shade. Funnily enough, it sounded a lot better here than closer to the stage. The distance gave the music a bit more room to breathe. The lead singer was accomplished in that he stayed in-tune. His voice is high pitched but not annoyingly so like PLACEBO. And some of their songs show an influence from U2.

At around 2:40pm we moved over to the boiler room and caught the end of the PNAU set, which to me seemed like lots of fun. The crowd was getting into the beats, with trumpets, electric zylophones and energetic lead on mixer. Wish I caught more of the act.

Pnau was followed by DJ Mark Dynamix, whose set was enjoyable enough but not too memorable. The more alternative DJs seem to have an affinity for mixing La La Land (Green Velvet) into their world and this DJ did just that. Unfortunately, my experience was marred by a bunch of drunken idiots who thought it would be real funny to squirt sunscreen all over each other. This correspondent had several gobs of the stuff hit him. And for me it was an interesting conversation. Nightclubs with their e culture, generally don't have drunk people turning the show into a moshpit. The boiler room at this time, had a different feel to it. And I'm not complaining, because it was really an eclectic sort of group. YOu had the dedicated techno heads that formed the core, but you also had the occasional person you would normally expect at Murder Dolls dancing away or being idiotic.

3:15pm: Moving over to the main arena to catch THE VINES at 4pm. Caught the Deftones act. Heavy rock act, and I'm sure they did a heavy version that either quoted or was a cover of the Blur song BOYS and GIRLS. Don't have much time for nu-metal style: I think it's a bit boring really in terms of its ability to alter the nature of what a live act means to rock. Though I have to admit, the ending was excellent, with the lead singer doing some Vandals style theatrics (no he didn't strip).

4:00pm: THE VINES. The AV has been a huge fan of THE VINES - especially the Letterman appearance. After finally getting into the D-bar area, I caught the highly addictive track get free. The performance proved a few things:

Craig Nicholls can sing and keep a melody
Craig Nicholls can really play the guitar

This of course puts the Letterman appearance into a better light because the acting up wasn't to cover up an inability to perform live. It was part of the concept of breaking free, of getting out of yourself, of even losing yourself in the music. I suppose that concept - that music is freedom is something THE VINES tries to understand. Nicholls was very well behaved although he did have a very strange relationship with his towel all through the concert. And thanks to the ridiculous D bar rule, where the audience instead of getting crushed in the mosh pit, gets crushed trying to get into the area, the audience kept diminishing until a few hundred people were left to listen to the end of the set. For me the BDO performance also highlighted that the Vines is more of a conceptual band. Many of their songs are slower and their influences wider than just grunge music itself.

The Vines performance though was not the type that blows you away - it was nothing special really and I think it's an act that would probably work better in a smaller arena.

At 5pm, I returned to the seats in the stadium and then Mr Dobson proceeded to get some ice cream... on returning some drunken "white trash" took the cap off his head and threw it down the stairs. At this time, the look in his eyes said that he would rather be in the middle of Baghdad during the 800 missile attack than be here. We headed back to the boiler room for the cool air-conditioned wall and to prepare for Kraftwerk.

5:20pm DJ KID KENOBI... The boiler room was really filling up. The biggest change in the BDO over the last three years has been the increasing popularity of the boiler room. Kid Kenobi was pretty good and had a more awesome version of La La Land than the one I heard before (if you want to understand the influence of Kraftwerk, just see how many Djs quote the kraftwerkesque LA LA LAND).

5:30pm The Resin Dogs then come on, and they are a mix of wicked beats, hip hop and live performance (break dancing and performers who spin on their heads). After being told off by a big-headed dancer that I shouldn't be here if I'm not dancing, I decide it's time to go to the side of the boiler room and sit on the air-conditioned wall. While sitting there, Mr Dobson looks thoroughly pissed off - he tells me he's still angry at those 'fucking thugs' who threw his hat down a couple of steps two hours ago. At 6pm, he tells me that he wishes he could kill them himself with a gun. When I question this obsessively mean reaction, he says:

"No, I didn't say kill. I said I wish I had a gun just so I could shoot them, not kill them."

Meanwhile, some more drunken louts decide to 'cement surf' in front of us. THis consists of finding a patch of cement in the boiler room that is sufficiently wet from dropped beer and discarded beer cans, and sliding across it chest first ala a water slide. Of course this was unsuccessful as the waxed cement still couldn't deliver the required slide power.

While the room was gradually clearing up as thousands started spilling into the main arena for Queens of the Stone Age, I was also struck by how unimpressive the level of dancing in the audience was this year. Last year, me and kirsty were just blown away with some of the creative shit going down on the floor. There was this one kid who must've (we thought) taken ecstasy or something and was dancing in an amazing display of understated franetic energy and flowing movement. I think it was the closest thing to a physical manifestation of music's ability to possess a body that you could hope for. This year, the standard was far lower - it was all show and no talent.

DJ Phil followed the Resin dogs and had a harder more cutting edge feel to the set with a sense of humour. He interrupted his set half way through in a homage to Fat Boy Slim with a techno sample that sounded like a car trying to start up. Unfortunately, he did the same thing later on in his set. I'm sure his idea was to thematically link his set up, but when you do it within 20 mins, it sort of doesn't go down as well as if you did it more creatively and more spaced apart. Anyway, during this Paul decides to make more lucid comments, and I can vouch that he took no drugs at all (not even alcohol or a bad-paranoid fuelled trip). Now remember, it's not because he's hot - the BOILER ROOM is actually cool because we're sitting on a wall that's pumping cold air into the room. Here goes another verbatim quote:

On the Boiler Room: "They should keep the strobes on for half an hour non stop. That way the epileptics are sorted out from people with real stamina. Plus, there's something fun about seeing a human twitching uncontrollably on the floor with foam and stuff coming from their mouths. That's how I see those yobbo fucks who threw my cap on the floor after i've shot them a few times."

By 8:30, DJ Luke Slater was mixing the records and he was doing an awesome job. Paul however, was still seething over the idiots that took the cap from off of his head and threw it down a couple of steps:

"If I was in America or Canada, I would like buy a gun and stuff and shoot them, and like, I'd get away with it cause like I was provoked, you know?"

After these increasingly apocalyptic and scary comments (especially because it's always the crazy white accountants, who neighbours always say were "so quiet", that actually do get the gun and shoot the world up) I decided to head to the dance floor. It was very clear around the front, and noting that we could position ourselves really well for Kraftwerk, I told Paul to stop his homicidal fantasies and get up. We were practically groupies, just off centre and one person back from the metal bars.

Luke Slater was a marvel to listen to and watch. He mixes high energy dance music without a sweat. I only wished he would label his records a bit, the way he was going through them was very funny to watch. Unfortunately, Luke Slater smokes during his set (the second act we saw doing this). When he ran out of cigarettes, he started hustling the crowd for one while the music was in full industrial trance throttle - i found it amusing, as did security. Luke Slater's work here in the boiler room was a bit more commercial than some of his more exciting stuff I've heard on radio, but it still was that bit much more maniacal and faster to make things really interesting. There seemed to be nods to Kraftwerk, but when he was over, I knew to expect nothing of the high energy of Slater's music.

KRAFTWERK 9:30pm

This is an act that you might not like. They might get boring after a while. Their music you think might sound the same. But it is an act that should be seen once in a lifetime. So, a little after 9:30pm, the Kraftwerk experience began.

The curtains opened up revealing a modernist minimalist set that could be straight out of Stanley Kubrick sci fi. A huge cinema screen, followed by four sleek black stands, each with its own laptop. Underneath and behind the stage was fluorescent tubing that would emit a strong underlight that would evoke 2001: A Space Odyssey. By this time the crowd had really filled up and being in the front, it was getting a bit hotter (but nothing near a mosh pit). And then walked on these four old men - at a festival predominantly attended by youth. And even before they started playing it struck me as highly appropriate that the organisers did good in choosing Kraftwerk to play. I wasn't sure how the audience would react to the experimentation and the lack of speed, but I was hoping that they would realise that this was like stepping back to the foundations of the manipulation of electronic sound into music.

The set began in earnest and the crowd WENT OFF. The first number, ironically about numbers was fascinatingly in absolute time with the screen behind. The second song was "Computerworld", one of my favourites. It's a very appropriate piece of music, which takes a bit of a paranoid spin on the potential of the computerworld ("CIA, SCotland Yard...). And this is essentially Kraftwerk's art - the narrative is essentially trying to understand the idea of the mechanic, the electronic in our world. It finds beauty and despair in them and it brings humanity and mechanic together at times. After this song came the radically and brilliantly worked on POCKET CALCULATOR. Performed live by the older man, it's still one of the most stunning pieces of music around. The live performance was aided by some truly cool graphics going on in the background. There's no way you can't say Kraftwerk haven't got a sense of humour - even as they stand on stage, almost grimacing at the audience (you should've seen one of the man's reactions to a water bottle thrower).

So Kraftwerk practically held a set of their strangely wierd but highly familiar music, with an awesome stage design... and they did it standing motionless, not even beating in time with the music. If that wasn't a statement about the idea of humans as robots, I don't know what was. hehehe. I think even Paul forgot about his manslaughterous views. But still, after the set I felt I shouldn't push my luck with regards to the music, so with a heavy heart decided to miss the set from UNDERWORLD. The SMH reviewed them very badly, but I do have their excellent double disc DVD.

Praise be God, Big Day Out was rescued this year by a bunch of old guys and Paul's incessant quest for homicidal revenge.
 

BEST FILMS OF 2002

1. THE BELIEVER This is an astonishing film that I'm disgusted to say I've watched on video because no one is daring enough to pick it up for release. WHY? Because it focuses on a Jewish anti-semite, Danny, who unable to come to grips with the concept of a Jewish God becomes a neo-nazi, advocating the killing of Jews. However, the paradox is literal - Danny still engages in Jewish rituals and has a respect for the traditions. I presume that the reason why this film is not being widely publicised is because its protagonist is so charismatic that the anti-semitism he articulates would resonate with like minded viewers even though any idiot with an IQ of a chimpanzee would be able to see this as one of the most religious and engaging films on Judaism that I've seen. In many respects, this could have been what offended the Jewish group that didn't like it - that is, the movie airs some of the theological challenges as well as the problems with Jewry in practise (especially a scene that almost turns into a scuffle outside the door to the synagogue on whether the Jewish state itself is founded on fascism).

Ryan Gosling should be nominated for an oscar for this film. In one year he has played three excellent roles - his other two were as a serial killer in the unusually bent MURDER BY NUMBERS and another very brave, brilliant performance in the art house film THE SLAUGHTER RULE. People will make comparisons with Ed Norton in AMERICAN HISTORY X, but for me, Gosling's performances exceeds Nortons. Gosling's face automatically conveys the paradox of his character. The bravura performance has him beating up Jews, setting off bombs in synagogues, and giving the nazi salute while reciting Jewish prayers. At the same time, his love for the religion masked in hatred and a contempt for the God he believes in is so hard to pull off without appearing staged or conceited. His self hatred is so irrational that the viewer will laugh at certain points. And we shouldn't forget the amazing but brief performance put in by his girlfriend, the daughter of a very well heeled co leader of an extreme right wing movement, who weaves her magic on his tortured soul. Their scenes are so genuine and the chemistry was probably the best onscreen example all year (funnily enough, Michael Pitt and Ryan Gosling in Murder by Numbers come in second).

The movie leaves us with questions about how anyone so bright and articulate could ever become this irrational, or what motivates people to go to such lengths. The movie also asks some really interesting theological questions, questions so profound and life changing that they seem to have been the catalyst for Danny's self loathing. In many respects it is Danny's way of dealing with the fundamental questions of his faith. The movie also works on the level as a study of the depths that self hatred can drive one to and the way it rots the world we live in. It is one of the more extreme 'leading a double life' movies ever made. So, I strongly urge that you get this movie out on video. You might hate the way it ends, you might find it ridiculous, but for me it was a film that had so much love in it that I can't understand why it wasn't given a cinematic release. Powerful, mesmerising, and all the other adjectives that film critics like to use for great films.

2. BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE - Mr. Moore at his best. An unashamedly biased perspective, sometimes using A Current Affair style techniques to suit his agenda. A giant think-tank movie that makes you feel that he hasn't answered the question when the very structure of the movie points its finger (i.e. note the very next scene after Lockheed Martin interview). A film that 2002 desperately needed to give hope to those who love peace and are genuinely concerned about the morality of a war in Iraq or the increasing panic that we don't deserve to be feeling when in comparison to others, we are the safest citizens. Also proof that a more compassionate agenda (i don't use the word left wing) can be entertaining compulsive viewing. We desperately need a 'corporate cops' in Australia. Why is Rodney Adler going to Britain? How is it that the thief Karl Suleman is allowed to walk the streets? How many people kill themselves after investing in illegal schemes like Mr Suleman's and yet we don't prosecute. I could imagine these business types display messianic attitudes and would have a severe case of Jesus complex if ever the police were to employ common criminal arrest tactics to them:

And Jesus answered and said unto them, Are ye come out, as against a thief, with swords and with staves to take me?
Mark 14:48 (King James text)

3. ADAPTATION - Hands down one of the best screenplays ever written. You know Mr Kaufman is going all out here when he sets the bar as high as Casablanca. There is so much going on in this movie that multiple viewings are necessary. The movie equivalent to the world wide web or the six degrees of separation, where every bit of dialogue has meaning and intersects with other parts of the film. In this respect it is strangely Spielbergian - strange because it seems so 'alternative' when in reality it maintains a strict narrative structure.

4. CATCH ME IF YOU CAN - The second Spielberg masterpiece in one year. While apparently very different from the last few films, it is still thoroughly Spielbergian. The obsession with family, particularly the broken home as a catalyst for the search for home, is strong here. The powerful back lighting which floods the screen continues to mesmerise. The mentioning of the words "go home". Catholic symbolism. The playing out of two competing ideas in editing (the usual dichotomy between fear and security is replaced by run and hide). The brilliance of the editing. Coupled with an outstanding 60s inspired score, the most outstanding opening credits put to film in 2002, a thoroughly watch able, entertaining plot and brilliant lead performances by Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks and support by Christopher Walken, make this a film that is fun yet filled with much meaning behind the surface. In Minority report, the present speaks to the future. In Catch Me If You Can, the past speaks to the present.

4. Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN - This is the thinking person's DUDE WHERE'S MY CAR. There are some amazing similarities between the two movies - but this work is so much more profound and contains astute political and social truths than Dude.

6. BULLY - Larry Clark's movie is just as disturbing as KIDS and reveals the dark underside in its photography to the fetishisation of youth (just look at how many movies this year deal with adolescence). It is also an example of the aimlessness of white middle class youth - it is no coincidence that the movie's aural space is saturated in violent and misogynist rap lyric, particularly at one point, Eminem - the poster poet of this disaffected youth. In many ways, this movie ties in a lot to other movies released this year and to Bowling for Columbine. But it also ties into a few older texts (I'm thinking here of Macbeth). The girlfriend of the bullied boy fits this description of using past narratives to draw character. Larry Clark's photography has been unbelievably influential in the world of advertising. Some people accuse Clark of 'exploiting' youth, when I don't think he has ever shot for a commercial in his life. I think these people are the ones with the problem because they might feel a little guilty buying products when they realise where the influence for their purchases are coming from (or they feel guilty full stop).

7. DONNIE DARKO - Another troubled teen movie, this one should really be ahead of Bully. I think of what the screen writer says about schizophrenia in adaptation, and this script certainly heeded the warnings that were made. The film is also beautifully shot. It also contains the big trend in cinema this year - the rabbit. This no doubt has become the trend to turn a movie 'surreal' ever since GUMMO used it to brilliant affect. I still think GUMMO is a work of genius, but this movie is definitely more accessable, with an easy to follow storyline and some excellent cinematography. Some celebrities also make effective cameos. One scene which is very good is with Noah Whyle as a teacher who can't venture into further conversation with a student because it is a religious school. The parodying of self-help guru is lots of fun but slightly overdrawn - but then again, hypocrisy in real life is often worse than what you see on the big screen in this movie.

8. 8 WOMEN - Worth the admission price just to see these great french actresses usually in very serious films, fully letting go. After the beautiful Under the Sand, Francois Ozon heads back into his favourite post-modern ultra-colourful and witty territory. This film has been called sexist, no less by a male reviewer. I don't know what drug the critic is taking, but he obviously didn't see the same film I saw and uses a combination of very flimsy evidence and a lack of humour to back up his various claims, most of which are wrong.

9. MINORITY REPORT - The movie about the Ashcroftian (and John Howard/Bob Carr) security state, shot before September 11. A prophetic film, showing Spielberg after thirty years still has his pulse on where the world is going. We now have catching terrorists before they commit the crimes, a doctrine of pre-emptive self-defence with respect to 'rogue' states and at Sydney airport, technology that would scan every face coming into the airport and warn about potential trouble makers. This movie will eventually move up on the list, though I don't think it goes anywhere near the depth, intellect or greatness of last year's highly misunderstood masterwork, A.I. Artificial Intelligence.

10. WAKING LIFE - Like Bowling for Columbine, this is an ideas movie that in its jerky unique animation is so beautiful to look at. A series of dreams coupled with philosophy 101.

10. THE RING - I know it's a remake of a Japanese film, but this movie has all the style of a Hitchcock film, and is even clever enough to wink to the master in a scene that could be straight out of REAR WINDOW (when the female lead goes out and uses binoculars to look into the apartments opposite - one of the people is actually in a wheel chair with a cast on his leg in a homage to Mr Stewart). The Ring feeds into that fear of the modern world - the fear or the guilt that voyeurism has brought us all. Genuine thrills and scares (well at least when i watched it). The audience had the typical dual reaction that any good horror movie would have: Screams and fear because what is happening could happen to them but almost at the same time laughter because all the carnage is happening to a non-body, that is, the person on the screen.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: ROAD TO PERDITION, EXPERIMENT, STORYTELLING, PANIC ROOM, ABOUT A BOY, BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, SPIDERMAN

BEST TEEN FILM

(tie) ORANGE COUNTY - Tom Hanks son stars in this surprisingly urbane teen comedy that while following the structure of your typical teen film, manages to do it with entertaining style but without going for the gross out angle everytime. Whatever the school is in this picture, it is an architectural wonder.

(tie) BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM - The world cup fever hit Sydney and this movie cashed in on it big time. Bend it Like Beckham is more like your "Billy Elliot" film - instead of a boy doing a girl thing, it's about a girl doing a boy thing. Couple that with an Indian background which demands that girls marry early as well as a love affair with an older white man, and you have enough ingredients to flesh out the script. A celebration of multi-cultural England, this movie keeps its seriousness in check behind a feel-good free-spirited movie. Very hard to pull off.

BEST "BEAUTIFUL" FILM

LIFE AS A HOUSE - l'il darth was very good in this film and allayed my fears about the possibility that SWII could've been a dud.

BEST "QUEER" FILM

Technically 8 Women should win this since it's in the top ten… but the honours for a second year running go to a Peter Jackson film: Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers - Frodo and Sam's relationship moves up to a newer and more intimate level as the power of the Ring takes a stronger hold on everyone. Too many 'unintentional' double entendres in this film. Was I reading too much into this film? Well, the cast seems to be afflicted with the script's dialogue, as E Online's Ted Casablanca breathless exaggerated reportage showed on December 19:

You've heard the stories, right? All that ferocious frolicking those Lord of the Rings riders have been getting up to? So, let's stop in at the Hollywood premiere of Lord's second installment, The Two Towers, and ask Elijah Wood himself, shall we? "Pardon me, Mr. W.," I insisted. "Please complete the following: Hobbits who play together..." "...Make sweet love together," Elijah responded faster than an Orc attacks. ...And let me tell you, the Hobbits and Elves were feeling most festive and frisky... Picking a path down the red carpet was Billy Boyd, aka Pippin, who was looking every inch the Scotsman in his black-tie kilt. "What's underneath the skirt?" I inquired. "My monster!" responded the game guy with a devilish grin. And no, B2 didn't unleash this sneaky skirt beast at any point in the night. At least not that I saw.

Equally merry on this devilish eve was Dominic Monaghan, who trotted over to yours truly with a sucker stuck in his puss. Looking scruffy, with mussy blond locks, D.M. peeked over my shoulder to wave at the hordes of hollering LOTR fans lining the traffic-jammed street... "When are you at your merriest?" I asked the benevolent boy. "When I'm with all the other Hobbits, drinking beer or...eating, ya know," Mr. M. answered between deliberate licks on his lolly... With a secretive grin (dreaming of lazy lovemaking, perhaps), D.M. rejoined his gang of boys, which included the delectable Orlando Bloom. Tearing himself away from the cozy clan, the noble Elf was looking luscious in all black, with a wispy-thin mustache and a tuft of chin scruff. "Tongue in my ear!" Orlando purred as the "new guy," Karl Urban, surprised him with a friendly nuzzle as a greeting.

Lord of the Ring II picks up another special award for BEST bestiality movie. Not since the Black Stallion have horses been fleshed out as characters in live action. There's one scene with Aragon that becomes very disturbing (or erotic depending on ones predelictions).

BEST SCORE

One Hour Photo - Loved this score just for the music over the end credits, with the score that keeps moving up the scale and doesn't end on the cadence you expect it to. Disturbing, just like the movie.

Catch Me If You Can - Why is it that John Williams can capture the essence of a movie. A John Williams/Spielberg signature on some of his movies are to have the score set the scene even before any action has happenned. See AMISTAD for example. With this, we get Williams' different and light-hearted but intellectually sound score over the best opening credits put to film in 2002. With contrary motion flourishes between woodwind instruments, a jazz score that evokes the era, and typical John Williams signature touches, it's hard not to like this score.

MOVIES from 2001 that still withstand multiple viewings. A.I. Artificial Intelligence, Royal Tenenbaums, Zoolander (derelicte is still the most cutting satirisation of high fashion), and Mulholland Drive for wierdness.

"UN-AUSTRALIAN"
Auburn "residents" in New Controversy
19 January 2003

Rudolph and Rachael Perreira have been at it again. Not content with gaining the wrath of an entire suburb over contentious poetry that doesn't rhyme, they have officially confirmed that they were at an anti-war rally held in Hyde Park in late 2002. Horrified civic leaders were scrambling to come up with a response to this latest outrage. As one resident pointed out:

"We told you they were hippies. It's not enough these types made our war heroes coming from Vietnam think they were criminals because they killed a few 'innocent' commos in their ghettos while rice farming, but now they're going to stigmatise our bravest young men who are risking their life to fight for our oil (sic - ed. note, should be soil)."

Even Islamic leaders in Auburn appear to be distancing themselves from the actions of the newly weds. One cleric, who wished to remain anonymous (for fear of retribution from on of the Pereiras' 'associates') claimed that it was up to Australia whether there would be a war or not, and that it had nothing to do with "Islam":

"We are Australians and will support the decisions of our ELECTED representatives, not some neo-beatnix who do nothing better than banging on congas while engaging in gratuitous and publicly shameful sexual acts."

A witness at the rally said that Mr Perreira appeared "clearly excited" at his act of transgression:

"It was a bit unseemly seeing the two love-birds together. At one stage, they were clearly holding hands, and while sitting down to a canola seed tofu cake, Rudolph's hand managed to reach Rachael's knee. Mind you, this was in broad daylight, and some irresponsible parents had brought their young children along."

Auburn Council was not answering calls but a spokesperson said that while council "did not have" the resources to hold a special meeting regarding the duo's highly un-Australian conduct: "Council will consider the five hundred strong residents' petition calling for their official expulsion and relocation to Nimbee at the next general meeting."

STORY DEVELOPING - UPDATES SOON

THE BEST MUSIC OF 2002

ALBUMS

1. SILVERCHAIR Diorama

I have a feeling this album could have done massive business internationally if Daniel Johns wasn't struck down by dibilitating arthritis. This album simply stands the test of repeat listening. It actually improves on take after take. The inventive harmonies, the beautiful melodies, the evocative words which with minor exceptions have the ring of poetic truth to them. Diorama's first track is evidence enough of the band's supremacy. There are so many different musical styles quoted in this track, and it's all done accoustically rather than through sampling. We have big band sound, musicals, and heavy rock that all come together when the moon stole Daniel Johns' slumber. The words: "I don't want to be lonely/I just wanna be alone" are priceless.

But it's perhaps the words of the final track that are the most hauntingly beautiful, a track that quotes the prodigal son and flows with ideas of renewal:

"After all these years/Forget about all the troubled times/

"And every father's pain/Casts a shadow over a broken son/You'll be whole again/And I'll be whole again

"Munificent, artless and ascetic/Playing like a scared/Enthusiastic pawn... All those years/I was huirting to feel/Something more than life"

This is sung over a few simple chords on piano which develops into a chorus with strings. Also note the final chorus speeds up the resolution of the perfect cadence on times. In the first chorus, the A flat chord takes two beats to resolve, but in the final chorus, the resolution happens on the second beat (which makes the C daniel johns sings sound wrong because the resolution to D flat happens over his note). It's small touches like this that make the album stand out (see manuscript below for more).

Silverchair are at the top of their game in this album - a stunning achievement for a group of kids from the suburbs of Newcastle.

2. EMINEM The Eminem Show

I didn't think the 8 MILE film was a masterpiece - it was extremely interesting as a companion to all his albums, but THE EMINEM SHOW proves that the Marshall Mathers LP wasn't a fluke. It has all the post-modern touches - speaking to itself, to other albums, creating a fictional space, parodying pop culture. But it also shows Eminem as celebrity. His whole voice has changed. He sees himself (in the album anyway) as being a lot more important than he really is. It would be hard to think of yourself any other way considering that wherever he went in the last year, he was greeted by protesters and unsympathetic Governments. The most appalling treatment was meeted to Eminem by the NSW Government when he came to Australia - and Bob Carr, the protector of our cultural values, managed to have an MA order slapped on his live concert, sniffer dogs searching 15 year old concert-goers and started a new era of music censorship - which will probably restrict the content of albums. Now you can understand some of the megolomania coming out of the artist. His title track "WITHOUT ME" makes its points very well. And it's an album where there is no fear. He is not scared to sample a plane flying through in his background music (as we wails "AMERICA"). Or in his masterful "My Dad's Gone Crazy", quotes a line from the point of view of a girl in the plane that crashed into the world trade centre. Or his playing on his appearance at the Grammy's with Elton John (Eminem even admits being in the closet engaging in dangerous sex: "fucking dre with hats off"). He might be irresponsible, he might inspire his fand into acts of hatred (see recent reports of Eminem fans bashing MOBY outside a nightclub), but since when has that excluded us from enjoying the works of the truly gifted.

3. THE VINES Highly Evolved

The Vines' crazy, whacked out performance on Letterman was something to behold. Craig Nichols, the lead singer with a seeming lazy eye, began well enough, then crashing into a guitar solo, progressively getting more dissonant and out of tune - the song ended up into a primal scream - Nicholls reduced to a howling like a dog at a full moon by the end of the performance before destroying the guitar and the drum kit. A more polished performance was witnessed at the MTV music awards, where his band stood up favourably to THE HIVES. The Hives haven't been included in this write up because I haven't heard their album yet. The album Highly Evolved is a great little album - we desperately need that garage sort of feel back into pop music. Like the beatles on speed, The Vines come up with some nifty melodies and catchy beats to make this a stand-out album. Equally, their video clips are brilliant - Out of the Way is a visual masterpiece, directed by David LaChapelle, it evokes the grungy beauty of the album itself. In the "highly evolved" video clip, there is a count-down from 90 seconds. Is this the speed it takes to cook a maccas burger (Nicholls did a stint there before being discovered) as some people are suggesting (In Face Magazine's interview with him - Jan 2003, he denies it). Also to get is the album with Craig Nicholls design on the front. Sure beats the black album of Spinal Tap!

4. GREEN VELVET Whatever

Post September 11, this album for me resonates a lot more than I suspect even Green Velvet intended for it. It's an intelligent album behind the repetitive beats and sampled surrounding. The perfect companion piece to the movies I've chosen in the top ten (as well as Fight Club), it deals with issues like alienation and personal change. In GAT, the singer sings right into the microphone over a highly sped up military/trance beat:

"I used to do what Simon said/Did the dishes made my bed... You said cluck like a chicken/I'd cluck like a chicken/But life has changed me/I'm not the way I used to be

"The say it's just a phase/This is not a fuckin' phase...

"Land of opportunity/Land made for you and me/Land of misconstrued facts/The free are on their backs"

La La Land is the classic track that evokes Kraftwerk so well. However, the album has so much more work in it than just La La Land and GAT. Stranj is also a really good track, with some inventive sampling. Track 4 has an interesting bit of electric keyboard quoting that is straight out of the 80s. Not having taken the drug ecstasy, I've said that Underworld's music seems to be the most that evokes the feeling of the drug as I've seen and heard it described. Green Velvet is equally hypnotic but it's more of a bad trip at times with its dark undercurrent.

The only downer on the album is the track that could be an N Sync love song if it weren't set to such highly worked dance music. The track is called "Stop Lyin":

"Time and time again/I trusted you/I cannot believe I played the fool"

5. MISSY ELLIOT Under Construction

In between exhortations urging hip hoppers to dance, etc. etc. are a few really good tracks. WORK IT is the best - an instant classic, very very tongue in cheek and the perfect anti-dote to a standard Christmas. Containing all the trademark Missy Elliot over-sexed background, she really heats up hip hop - you can imagine all that close dancing girating of hips. Anyway, this album rocks big time... i sometimes just start laughing for no reason, but the music does that to me. Track 3 is one of my favourites.

TWO OTHER ALBUMS - Patchy in parts though

UNDERWORLD A Hundred Days Off - It's just another underworld album. Is a bit more chilly though. Some slow tracks for recovery after a big night. Even country influence. Though definitely the Underworld trademarks remain there, with the deep resonating bass and the explosively fast piano chords playing in the background take me back to classic Underworld. Only SIX DAYS to seeing them live in the Boiler Room.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE Justified - Coming off N Sync with a neat album that Michael Jackson would be proud of. Produced by the Neptunes, there are some pretty good tracks, but also some pretty lame, N Sync at their corniest type tunes. The first track is excellent - I don't know why it isn't being released as a single. It's like a little hip hop jam on a side street in the middle of New York somewhere. The difference in dialect between the way the men sing the dialogue (more colloquial) and the women (more proper) is interesting. Of course, Like I Love You was a catchy track with a very funny video clip.

STAND OUT SINGLES for 2002 (all five albums above have standout single tracks)

NELLY: Hot In Here

An outstanding track, dripping with heat and so simple. The ultimate song of pop porn. Amazing track, the best of pop music.

MORCHEEBA: Women Lose Weight

Oprah Winfrey had Dr Phil on advising couples who thought their partners were too fat. One man said on tape that he married a beauty contestant who a few years later was so fat she "waddled" and that he couldn't stand seeing her. Obviously, Dr. Phil told him off - what sort of man makes such a public display of his hatred for the fat chick that was his wife. His wife wasn't spared for over-eating, and this public form of pathos ended with them trying to work things out. It's against this background that I heard this excellent track from Morcheba called Women Lose Weight.

Women Lose Weight is a moderately smoothly toned rap about a man who kills his wife because she was fat. Very tongue in cheek, it's a great track that some people could again misconstrue or call inappropriate. Even after he got caught, the narrator tells us the moral of the story is not that men shouldn't have to kill their wives, but that:

"keep it trim, keep your marriages healthy. A small message from Morcheba. "

BRITNEY SPEARS: Slave 4 You

One of the most unusual popular tracks to come out of Zomba records. Not one note of melody in the accompaniment, this would be abject music if it wasn't for the iconic presence of Spears or its suggestive subject matter that laid the groundwork for Hot In Here's completely subtextless music porn.