Fan-Fiction Theater 3000 Episode: 026 -- Tis Better to Love... Today's Victim: Falkyn -- Chapter 26 by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) MSTed by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) and Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: The Real Ghostbusters are owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains inc., and we hope they don't mind us using their characters and settings. FFT3K Theme Song: Egon: Ray, if you even think of cueing the track, I'll let Windy bite you! Windy: And I'd enjoy it, too. [grins widely] Ray: EEP! Egon: Good... [cue MST3K track] In the not-too-distant future way out and deep in space A mysterious android, name is D, Is in a dark and lonely place Stuck up on SoL, all alone, Why not do an E.T. and grab a phone? He ran some tests until some me-te-ors Made the satellite home for the Ghost-bust-ers... (Peter: "IT'S RAY'S FAULT!!!") (Ray: "IS NOT!") "I'm reading cheesy fanfics, The worst, I can find, (LA LA LA) We'll have to sit and read them all, Or you'll gradually lose your mind!" (LA LA LA) Now keep in mind, the 'busters can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (LA LA LA) D'll try to keep the sanity Of his newfound 'busting friends! GB Roll Call! Spengler! (We're on!) Zeddemore! (Oh, man!) Ray Stantz! (Check this out...HAI-KEEBA!) Venkmaaaaaan! (Hey, baby!) If you're wonderin' how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST," And you should really just relax. For Fan Fiction Theater, 3000! [Guitar twang] Peter: It should be The Real Ghostbusters 3000! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! [D retracts the Rocket Fist] STARRING: Durenor, Windwalker 5'9" Black hair, violet eyes. The vampire who made an unscheduled appearence and just decided to stay. Her hobbies include, torching, shaving and beating unsuspecting fools... especially Peter. (Windy: I just can't help myself!) Spengler, Egon, Dr. 6'3" Blond hair, blue eyes (which happen to be myopic, hence the red glasses) A genius with an exaggerated I.Q. Contains multiple degrees in the field of parapsychology and physics. He is responsible for the creation of the proton packs and the ecto-containment unit. Stantz, Ray, Dr. 5'8" Red hair, brown eyes The youngest member of the group, second to Egon in holding multiple degrees. He specializes in engineering and occult sciences. Egon once said he had the mental state of a six year old. Venkman, Peter, Dr. 5'10" Dk. Brown hair, green eyes All-around idiot (no kidding, Peter: HEY!) Amazingly, he has two Ph.D's, one in psychology and the other in parapsychology. He's actually smarter than he pretends to be. Most trouble they're in, is because of Peter. Zeddemore, Winston, Dr. 5'11" Black hair, brown eyes The only member of the group who doesn't have a Ph.D, he earned his 'Dr' title as an honorary member of Columbia University. The only member of the group who has common sense (Winston: Damn straight!). D 6'0" No hair, yellow eyes A Model 27 High-Density Productivity Android that took residence at the abandoned Satellite of Love. Looks like a cross between Adam of Shining Force and Data from ST: TNG. * * * * [On the VoFF, the ex-Satellite of Love] The android D wished he could groan. His four visitors, the Ghostbusters were seriously trying his patience...that is, if he had any. The four had decided to hold a joke contest with D as the judge. Why an android for a judge? D couldn't figure it out. The jokes were severly stupid and near the point of outdated. He noted that the vampire looked as if she was ready to run from the bridge. "Can we please continue?" D asked Egon, who was keeping score of the three competors with Ray as the decider of what was funny. Egon nodded. "Go, Peter." Peter grinned and walked forward and poked Winston on the shoulder. "Winston, your mother is so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals!" Ray covered his mouth to stifle a laugh at the outrageous look that crossed Winston's face. Peter crowed. "Aha, he laughed! That's a point for me!" D muttered to Windy, "'Pointless' is more like it..." The vampire grinned and nodded. Winston snorted and folded his arms. "Man, we were doing that joke in kindergarden! I got something that'll make him laugh! Peter, your mother is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind!" Peter frowned...he hated when Winston zinged him. They both looked at Ray, whose face had turned a bright red. He grabbed his stomach and fell out laughing. Winston grinned at Peter. "Point for me! Egon, what's the score?" Egon adjusted his glasses and looked at the clipboard. "Winston: 4 Peter: 3" "Hey! No fair, that last joke should have pulled a bit more laughter from Chuckles over there!" Peter groused, pointing at the doubled-over Ray. Ray wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm sorry, Peter. Winston's was more funny!" Balling his hands into fists, Peter growled, "Fine! How about this one? Winston, your mother is so fat, she fell and made the Grand Canyon!" This time Egon covered his mouth while Ray started howling with laughter. D shook his head, what the heck was so funny about talking about someone's mother? Bright red spots decorated Winston's cheeks. "Oh, so it's like that? Peter, your mother is so so fat that when she bunjee jumps, she goes straight to Hell!" That was it, Ray was face down on the floor cracking up. Egon's mouth had dropped open before he started to chuckle. Even Windy started giggling. Peter's face turned bright red as he glared at Winston. D simply shook his head. These were the oddest men he ever met. [Deep 13] Tory laughed. "We really have to find these guys something to do. "Oh, really?" Derek asked. "Well, chapter 26 is almost finshed. All I have to do now is put it in the ficsender." "A fic'll be better than the stupid show they're putting on to keep entertained," Tory said. "Although, that last joke Winston cracked was funny." Derek shrugged, like D, he didn't get the point of the jokes either. "I find that you have a very odd sense of humor, just like those five." Tory narrowed her eyes. "What the hey does that mean?" "Uh, nothing," Derek stammered. "I'll just put the fic in the sender!" He slowly backed away as Tory advanced on him with her scorching whip. [VoFF] D was very glad when he picked up the arrival of the fic. Hitting the red light, he amplified his tinny voice. "WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!" [Door Sequence] [6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] [They trail in and sit down] > Falkyn -- Chapter 26 > By: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) > >________________________________________________________ > Egon: Oh dear, it seems we have another line joke to go. Peter: Winston's mother's so fat they installed that as a speedbump at the all you can eat buffet. Winston: [VERY Sarcastic] Ha ha, man...the contest is over, let it go. Egon: Peter, move on. Windy: Sore loser much? Ray: [laughing] Winston: What are you laughing at? Ray: Uh...nothing! > Kerad returned to Tartarus with four more heads. Ray: He is a tentacle demon! Windy: STOP SAYING THAT! > "Jesse, Shane, James, Nader," he said, pointing to each head. Egon: Oh, no... Winston: [smacks his forehead] Windy: What? [The theater grows dark for a second. When the lights come back on, Peter and Ray are in front of the screen.] Peter: Prepare for trouble! Ray: And make it a double! Windy: What the hell!? Peter: To protect the world from devastation! Ray: To unite all peoples within our nation! Peter: To destroy the evils of truth and love! Ray: To extend our reach to the stars above! Peter: Jesse! Ray: James! Peter: Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light! Ray: Surrender now or prepare to fight! D: (Mewoth) Meowth, that's right! Winston: That's a long way to go for a joke... Windy: a VERY long way! >First, the orcine one with glasses, the one with a growth of beard and a >misshapen nose, the one with a rounded face and short, dark hair, and the >one with the large nose. "Why did his parents name him 'Nader'? What kind >of weird, unnatural name is that?" Peter: As if Kerad's original! Windy: EEP! [Everyone ducks as a lightning bolt slams into Peter] Windy: He will never learn! VO Tory: DEREK! VO Derek: Whoops, sorry about that! [mutters] Not... > Thanatos ordered the slave souls to clean up the heads and mount them >in the arena, properly identified as Kerad's kills. "Nine kills. >Excellent, Winston: I call no Bill and Ted jokes! Windy: Damn! I never got to do one! Winston: Oh, alright. Windy: DUDE! EXCELLENT! [She jumps up, grabs Ray and uses him as an air guitar.] Ray: AAH! Peter: I don't think that's how you use an air guitar. Windy: You're right, he's too short! Peter: No, wai-- [She grabs Peter and uses him as an air guitar instead] Peter: AAAH! >Kerad. You leave no evidence; no fingerprints, no bodily fluids, nothing. >You are the perfect assassin." Egon: Bodily fluids!? What exactly was he doing with the victims?! Winston: I don't want to KNOW! > "My lord," Kerad interrupted, "I am not an assassin; Windy: (Kerad) I'm an ass...not an assassin...you've gotten me confused with someone else... Ray: Kerad's a butt? Eww! >I meet them face-to-ugly-face before I decapitate them. I would never kill >them without letting them know I am at the other end of the weapon. Peter: And that's his revenge? Winston: I believe so. Ray: Maybe he gets a kick from the shocked expression. Windy: It's a VERY good kick. Why, I remember the time when I ran into an old gnoll that tried to kill me. I grinned and took my claymore and... [trails off as she notices everyone, even D, staring at her with wide eyes.] Egon: Uh... Windy: Whoops, too much info there! [Everyone quietly scoots away.] Windy: HEY! > "My lord, I request permission to postpone my training and rest my >injured shoulder. I do not wish to reopen the wound left by that barbed >arrow." Windy: I'll do it for you! Egon: Windy, I think we've had enough comments of that type from you today. Windy: [lower lip trembles] DEREK! VO Derek: Yes? Windy: CREAM EGON! VO Derek: why, certainly, my dear! Egon: AAAH---*KABOOM* > Thanatos nodded. "Go ahead, Kerad. You deserve it." Winston: Just like how he deserves a swift kick in the butt. Peter: He's a masochist, he'd like it! Ray: Ewww! > > Tayid found Kerad sitting in a sulfur spring, right arm on the bank, >injured shoulder immersed in the near-scalding, yellow-tinted waters. His Ray: Sulfur scented flesh was starting to rot and burn due to the scalding temperature! Winston: RAY! Ray: Whoops! Windy: Good one! >clothing was layed out on the bank, a black terry-cloth towel folded and >within reach. Winston: At least we know he wasn't running around nude. Peter: Oh thanks for the picture, Winston! All: AHHH! D: IAI! > "Hey," she said, "isn't that hot?" Peter: (Kerad) And I doubted your genius! Egon: Tayid's very observant... Ray: (Tayid) Hey, is that a truck com--- D: *SPLAT* > "Seventy-nine degrees Celsius," Kerad told her, not moving an inch. Peter: Why not a millimeter or centimeter? Egon: [shrugs] >"It could be warmer." Winston: And you could be cooked! > "You're masochistic!" All: ARGH! Winston: I didn't need to know that! Windy: Well, Kerad and Derek are alike in ONE aspect so far... Others: O_O D: [a noise comes from D's head] Information overload! > With a smirk, Kerad replied, "Guilty as charged." Peter: I just bet that rings Tayid's little sadistic bell... Winston: (Sadist) *RING* *THWAP* Muhahahar! *RING* *THWAP* Muhahahar! Ray: (Masochist) Ooooh!! Yes!! Peter: And they say I have problems... > Tayid moved to the bank behind Kerad and knelt down. "So you like >the kinky stuff, huh?" She put her hand on his head and dunked him. Egon: Dunking is now considered kinky? Peter: Wow, all the times you guys dunked me in the ocean...that was kinky! Ray: Ecchi! D: Totemo Ecchi! Both: HAI! > He came back up and wiped the sulfurous water off his face. "Caught >me off guard, didn't you, Tay?" With that, he grabbed her by the blouse and Peter: YES, YES, YES! Egon: NO, NO, NO! D: [stands up with his fists at Peter's face] I will say this only one more time. Let the sentence FINISH! Ray: Oh boy, the android has finally snapped! >pulled her over his head to land in front of him in the spring. "Gotcha." Peter: Drat! Windy: Go ahead, D! D: Thank you! *KBANG* Peter: OOOF! *THUD* > Tayid rose, soaked, out of the water. "Yeah, you got me there." Winston: What is she? The straight man?! Windy: She's so predictable! "Oh, you're hurt? You're bleeding!" >She went over to him and sat down beside him. "Mind if I join you?" Egon: (Kerad) Uh...very much! > "I didn't have the forethought to bring an extra towel," Kerad said. Windy: His mind was elsewhere...as were his hands! Ray: OHMY! D: Searching dictionary for sexual meaning....O_O Peter: Wow, I never was able to make D's eyes bug out like THAT! Windy: I am the master! [buffs her nails on her dragonscale tunic] Peter: Wouldn't that be mistress? Windy: [evil grin] Only if you say please... Winston: O_O Ray: O_O Egon: O_O Peter: ... VO Derek: Say it, and I will give a new definition to the meaning of pain. Egon: Someone want to hose those three down?! >He looked to a wandering soul and snapped his fingers. The soul came over >to him at the sound of the snap. Winston: Actually, he snapped his fingers and tugged on the leash. > "Fetch another towel," Kerad ordered. "At least five-by-four feet." All: Huh!? Winston: Why couldn't he just say a bathtowel?! Egon: I have yet to go into a store and ask to purchase a 5X4 towel! > The soul scurried off to carry out the order, and Tayid had stripped >of her soaked gear and laid it on the bank to dry. Windy: Oh no. Peter: SHE'S NUDE! Egon: O_O Winston: [whistles] Ray: O.O Windy: D, nail them! D: Affirmative! *KBANG* *KBANG* *KBANG* *KBANG* Ghostbusters: ARGH! *THUD* Windy: [muttering] Freaks... Peter: Ring ring! Hello, Kettle? This is pot. You're black! Windy: Har de har har! >"How's your shoulder?" she asked, hand on the extremity in question. Egon: (Kerad) How's *your* shoulder? Peter: (Tayid) Huh? Egon: (Kerad) *SLICE* Peter: (Tayid) AAAH! > Kerad put his hand on hers. "It's still a little tender, but it's >closed up, at least. The tendons and bones still have to regenerate, >though. Winston: One hint that he's not human. Peter: Another, he's sitting in sulfur...nude. Egon: [cringes] Do you know what sulfur could DO to human extremities in high doses!? Windy: Egon...we've got the picture, thank you. All: ARGH! >The heat from this spring ought to assist in the process. There is one more >target for my revenge, and he's lucky I almost forgot about him." Peter: Lucky being the operative word here... > > "FOUR?" All: GYAH! [Windy falls out her seat] Peter: Don't DO that! Winston: Man, these scene changes just sneak up on you! Windy: Can we turn the bass down some? My sensitive ears can't take it! > The old trader nodded. "Four more, 'eads sliced off 'n nowhere t' be >found. This 's the work o' some sicko, like the guy from Rakhast who cut >eyes outta innocent folks." Windy: Translation, D? D: I believe he said: "Four more, heads sliced off and nowhere to be found. This is the work of some sicko..." Windy: [kisses D on the cheek] Thank you! VO Derek: HEY! D: [if he could blush, he would have] Master, it was only in gratitude. > Falkyn's head slumped. "Nine decapitations in two days. No evidence >on any of the bodies. All leads point to dead ends. This has to be the >work of Kerad." Peter: No, its the work of the Easter Bunny! Ray: Not the Easter Bunny! NNNNOOOO!!! Egon: [sighs] > "Who? Did I hear ya right, sonny?" Peter: Yes, you did...the Easter Bunny! > "Have you heard of Kerad Dyilf, friend?" Winston: WE have, but I doubt that holds little weight... > The trader scratched his stubbly beard. "Hmm... Dyilf, Dyilf, I >think I 'eard that name somewhere afore, but I can't 'member..." Ray: He's the author's alter-ego! Sheesh! > "It's not important. He's my problem, but I can't get to him." Egon: Falkyn's still searching for a solution to two plus two? > "Oh, now I 'member! Kerad was jus' a young'n when I saw 'im last! >'e came t' my town fer some reason, 'e said 'e was searchin' the world over >fer good guys, 'r somethin'. 'e was actin' like we was all evil, but >whaddya bring 'im up fer?" Windy: Whaddya say now, huh! Winston: What!? Windy: Exactly! > After a short pause, Falkyn replied, "Kerad has become infinitely Egon: Stupid?! Peter: Dumb?! Winston: Ignorant?! Ray: Retarded?! Windy: They all have one track minds. >stronger. He made an unholy pact with Thanatos, lord of Tartarus and the >incarnation of death. He must have a reason why he killed those nine men; >he has a code of honor he would never break. Did the last four victims go >to the same high school as Kerad and the first five?" Ray: Wait a second! D: [Screeching noise] Ray: How in the world did Falkyn link a code of honor plus high school?! Egon: I find that odd, considering how you always have the same leaps of logic... Ray: That's different! Peter: No, it's not. Ray: SHADDUP! > The trader nodded again. "All ten 'f 'em went to da same school when >they was kids. Windy: Damn, is there like only one high school in town?! Peter: I guess so. Windy: Sheesh, there was at least 4 where I grew up! Winston: Where's that? Windy: Duh...I grew up in what's now called England! Egon: Considering how old you are.... Windy: Stuff it, Egon! >Gee, Kerad must really be PO'ed at 'em 'f he's killin' 'em left 'n right." Egon: --and up and down and sideways and backwards. > /I must find a way to get to Tartarus and finish him off, once and >for all./ "Friend, do you know how to travel to the Outer Planes?" All: [just blinks] Winston: He's asking your average citizen how to get to hell!? Windy: I know sin was high in these days, but damn! > "Heh? You talkin' 'bout that fancy-schmancy Plane travel hullaballo? Peter: --crap, stuff...whatever you want to call it! >I'd never be zappin' myself inta one o' them thar Outer Planes. That's >where ya go when ya die, right? It ain't my time yet, so I ain't doin' it." Winston: Thinking like that will keep you alive. > "I see. Thank you anyway." Windy: Falkyn's a bit odd. > > Kerad genuflected before Thanatos, returning from his final journey Egon: --to the Center of the Earth! [Egon stands with a fist in a air. Lightning flashes in the background] Windy: How does he DO that!? Peter: I have no idea! Winston: Rememeber, I did say I thought Egon was crazy. >on his revenge quest, with the head of a man whose hair was fairly short, >and mild case of acne. "With Jake's head, it's over. I now need a mere >four days to completely heal." Peter: (Kerad) YES! In a mere four days, I shall create IMPENDING DOOM! [Nothing happens] Egon: Fool! You cannot work the IMPENDING DOOM! [Lightning flashes and thunder roars in the theater] Peter: Egon, sit down! Windy: I swear, if he makes lightning flash ONE MORE TIME... Ray: Down, Windy! > "Kerad," began the cadaverous god, "your training is complete. You >will fight Falkyn, kill him, and bring to me his body. Winston: Sounds simple enough, right? Egon: But Kerad may blunder along his way...thus dragging it on. Windy: Yet, this shall last for the REST of the series. Peter: Gotta love those mini-series. >When you have completed this task, I will open a Gateway to the Prime >Material Plane and overrun it with my legions of the dead and damned." Ray: I feel bad for the damned. Windy: Why? Ray: Look at who they're working for! I'm sure Satan's much nicer. VO Satan: [sniffs] Why...thank you, Ray. Windy: I know the lord of hell isn't sniffling! VO Satan: Why not? I have feelings too! Peter: I really...hate that. > "I will not leave so soon, my lord. Falkyn is the Prime's most >powerful fighter; I won't fight him in my present condition. I would be >concentrating more on keeping my wound closed than fighting." Winston: WIMP! Windy: CHICKEN! Egon: [starts to make clucking noises] Peter: Kerad's afraid of Falkyn!? AHAHAHAHAHA! Ray: Boooo! Kerad sucks! > "I will grant you your rest and regeneration period. Do you have >any more targets of revenge I should know about?" Egon: Nosy little cuss, isn't he? [The yellow klaxon starts to flare] D: Break time! All: WHEEE! [Door sign] [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] [VoFF] Peter: Now what's gonna happen? Egon: Don't chance it, Peter. Something weird might just happen. [Deep 13] Derek: Be careful what you wish for, boys. Tory: You just might get it! [Derek slides something into the ficporter] [VoFF] D: Ah, what is this? [reads it over] Oh, interesting. Busters, Windy, may I see you for a moment? [Deep 13] Tory: What'd you send? Derek: Just wait a minute. [VoFF] Winston: NO WAY, MAN! Egon: I don't think so! Ray: Count me out! Peter: Even I'm not that low! Windy: I'm with them! D: Master, they appear to be opposed to your project. [Deep 13] Derek: What? [twitches] Are they not cooperating? Tory: I think I'll hit the dirt. [dives for cover] [VoFF] [A really big nuke lands on the bridge, creating a mini-mushroom cloud] D: Oh, *smeg*. Master, you've nuked them?! [Deep 13] Derek: Fraggin' right I nuked the slots! Fraggin' serves 'em right! Tory: [gets up and surveys the destruction, then goes wide-eyed] [VoFF] D: Does this mean we don't have to do the skit? [Deep 13] Derek: I guess. Woulda' taken too much time, anyway. [VoFF] [The Ghostbusters and Windy regenerate] Peter: Whoa! Man, was he PISSED! Winston: Yeah! Nukin' us like that! Egon: The nerve! Windy: I'm gonna suck him dry! D: Everybody back to the Theatre; we've used up our alotted time. [Door Sequence] [Everyone but D is mumbling and cursing about Derek as they file in] > "I do not think so, my lord. If I may take my leave?" Peter: (Kerad) I just drank an entire pitcher of tea... > Thanatos waved him off, and Kerad returned to his quarters. > Ray: With his nickels and dimes too. Peter: With that crack shack he lives in...it's more like pennies! > When Kerad entered his quarters, Tayid was there, waiting for him. >"Shoulder's still weak, huh?" she asked. Windy: TAYID, YOU DAMNED IDIOT! Ray: Whoa! Egon: Windy... Windy: I CAN'T HELP IT, SHE'S SUCH A FRIGGIN' IDIOT! I SWEAR, IF SHE SAYS "HUH" ONE MORE DAMN TIME...BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP MY CLAYMORE RIGHT IN HER BLEEP! [Windy starts cursing in old vampire language] Peter: O_O Winston: Oh my. D: Profanity overload...AGAIN! Resetting audio censors! *CLICK* Ms. Windwalker, I do ask that you keep the profanity to a minimum... Windy: [rolling up her sleeves] I have to have a little talk with Derek about female characters... VO Derek: Ulp. VO Tory: Think I'll be taking that vacation now, boss! > Kerad silently nodded. "The pain is minor now. I think the spring >helped a little." Peter: The bedsprings? Windy: PETER! Peter: ARGH! Shutting up! > "You know, I must be able to help it." Egon: Sex does not help an injured shoulder! Winston: In fact, it encourages it! Peter: What the heck have YOU been doing? Winston: [turns red] Nothing! Ray: Winston Zeddemore *IS* The Acrobat! Windy: O_O > "How?" Windy: (Tayid) See, I lay down right...and you get on top. Then you take that thing you use to pee...but DON'T pee...and you stick it --MROGHRH! Winston: No way...no how! Ray: O_O > "You'll see..." She sauntered up to him and removed his jacket. >"You'll have to take off your shirt, too. It's easier that way." Egon: [removes his glasses and covers his eyes] Ray: WINSTON! Winston: [covers Ray's eyes] Ray: Ah...thank you! > /What is she hinting at? I'd better stop her if she goes too far./ Windy: Yeah, right... Peter: (Kerad) Okay, you're going to faaaahhhhh...oooh! WHOA! YES! Winston: PETER! Peter: Okay, okay! >He complied, and Tayid put her hand on Kerad's injured shoulder. There was >a sizable scar where he had pulled out the barbed arrow, but the wound had >healed faster than normal. She led him to his bed and said, "Lie down on >your chest." Windy & Peter: [singing] Hit it from the back! Egon: If Tayid is able to "hit it from the back"...then, theoretically speaking, she is not female. Ray: She's a hermaprodite!? D: She is not! My master wouldn't write something as vulgar as THAT! Windy: EWWW! Peter: [turns green] Winston: I shouldn't have had that popcorn...HARF! > /Good. She's not trying to get me to do 'it' with her./ He complied >again, and Tayid straddled his lower back. She laid her soft hands on the >wound and began rubbing it slowly. "How does this feel?" Peter: (Kerad) Good...zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ray: [claps] Peter managed to not say something hentai for once! Windy: I'd hate to break it to you, Ray. That was VERY hentai! Ray: DRAT! > /Whoa./ "It feels... very good. I never knew your hands were this >soft." Winston: She uses Keri lotion. Egon: Lotion and dead skin...such a bad combination. Peter: HARF! > "It gets better." Her hands sought out his tense, knotted muscles >and massaged them loose. "Your back is a roadmap of stiff muscles!" Windy: (Tayid) And your chest is a topological map! Ray: Huh? Windy: Nothing! > "Nice metaphor. You're doing wonders for my back." > Peter: As for other places. Egon: *THWAP* Peter: EGON! > After about a half-hour, Kerad felt better than ever. "One good turn >deserves another, right?" he asked. Egon: Left. Peter: He's going to beat her now? > "What's going on in your devious mind?" she asked. Winston: He has a mind!? Peter: I don't think so. Egon: I wouldn't believe it even if he told me! > "You'll see..." he intoned, repeating Tayid's earlier words. He >lightly stroked her jaw and looked deep into her eyes. "I never thought I'd >see such beauty in my life." He leaned in close... > Windy: (Tayid) Uh, Kerad? I'm over here...you're looking in the mirror! Ray: Ooooooh!!!! > Falkyn was ready for Kerad and/or Thanatos to appear at any moment. ALL: WHOA! Winston: Damn scene changes! >He didn't have to worry about being stabbed in the back or killed in his >sleep, as Kerad would never even contemplate such deeds. Egon: Keep on believing that... > /I'll have to watch out for his second sword,/ he thought to himself. >/If I don't, I'll be watching my guts spill out onto the grass./ [Everyone turns green] >He involuntary shuddered at the thought of becoming gutless. /I can either >wait until Kerad shows up, at full strength, Windy: I thought Kerad was concentrated! Egon: He is a watered down version of Falkyn. >and watch as he turns me into one hundred and seventy-two pounds of >hamburger. Peter: Cheesebuga! Winston: Cheesebuga! Ray: Cheesebuga! >Or I can find a way to Tartarus and fight him on his own ground, where he >has the full force of Thanatos and his minions to back him up, not to >mention the fact that denizens of Outer Planes regenerate when they're on >their home Plane. Either way, I'm sorely overmatched./ Egon: Maybe it would best to move to someplace else then. Ray: Hey, what about Tenma? Surely Tenma can do some damage, he can egenerate! Windy: Ahhh...Tenma-chan... VO Tory: Tenma-chan! Windy & VO Tory: [girlish squeals of delight] Winston: [covers his ears, wincing] > He shook his head. D: [jingling noise] > /I can't go around being pessimistic! I Ray: --must believe that the glass is half FULL! Winston: No! It is half EMPTY! Ray: AHHHHH!!! >am the R'itni Island's strongest, most skilled warrior! I can--no, I WILL >defeat Kerad and foil Thanatos's plans of taking my body!/ > Winston: (Falkyn) I haven't even bathed yet! All: EWWWW! > "It's time..." All: NOT AGAIN! [Windy falls out her seat] Egon: I think we need to get the vampire a seat belt. Windy: Either that, or something to alert us of a scene change! VO Derek: Nope, deal with it. Windy: I'll wear the Sailor Moon skirt... VO Derek: Skirt...O_O VO Tory: Derek? DEREK!!! > Kerad disengaged himself from Tayid's arms. "I have to leave and >fight Falkyn." Winston: (Kerad) and die... > "At least take me with you," she offered. Ray: (Tayid) I wanna go, daddy! > "I doubt Lord Thanatos would allow it." Egon: Who is he? Satan? VO Satan: Uh...no. > "What that old corpse doesn't know won't hurt him!" > "Still," Kerad fingered the amulet that dangled from his neck, "I >cannot disobey Lord Thanatos. He gave me my new power, therefore I must >serve him until my debt is repaid." D: [butt kissing noises] Peter: I bet Kerad smells like one big butt. Windy: Since all he does is kiss them! > "At least ASK him!" Ray: (Kerad) Darnit, I said no! > > Falkyn's sixth sense for danger kicked in. "He's coming," he >involuntarily said out loud. "No; /two/ are coming, and they're as strong >as I am, if not stronger..." All: DAMMIT! [Windy falls out her seat YET again] Windy: THAT'S IT! I'm just going to sit on the floor! > A sound equivalent to a minor thunderclap resounded from behind him, >and Falkyn turned, sword drawn, to face Kerad Dyilf and an as-of-yet >unknown, busty female. Windy: Oh, but he did know that she was busty! WHAT THE HELL?! Ray: Windy, take a deeeeeeep breath! Windy: NO! I'm tired of the women being described as parts! Peter: Wait 'til the end, then you can riot! Windy: I WILL! > "Kerad." > "Falkyn." Ray: Egon. Egon: Winston. Winston: Peter. Peter: Windy. Windy: D. D: Ray. Ray: Huh? Peter: *THWAP* Ray: OUCH! VO Derek: I knew this was going to happen. > The light of the sun glinted off Falkyn's single, silvery blade. >"You don't have to follow Thanatos. He is merely using you to kill me, and >when he has my body, he'll destroy everyone and everything that could >oppose him, including you." Winston: Here we go! Showdown!! Peter: Five on Falkyn! > Kerad threw his head back in a laugh. "I command his armies and am >his personal bodyguard. What reason would he have for disposing of me?" Egon: Didn't you hear him? He said anyone who COULD oppose him. > "Right now, talk is unimportant. Defend yourself!" Ray: (Falkyn) ASOBI WA, OWARI DA...SHI-NE!!!! Peter: (Kerad) AHHH, KUTABARE!!! Windy: NANI!? Ray: What? Peter: Whoops, Shimatta! Windy: O_O > Falkyn almost literally flew in at him, sword extended. Kerad fast- >drew Dishonor and parried the strike. They stood, swords crossed, neither >giving a centimetre. Peter: Oh, so now it's a centimeter! Egon: Either go Standard or Metric...don't confuse the pair! > Face-to-face, Falkyn said, "Keri o tsukeyoze, Kerad." (Let's settle >this, Kerad). Winston: (Falkyn) Paper, rock, scissors!! Egon: (Kerad) Paper covers rock! Winston: (Falkyn) DAMN! SHI-NE! Egon: (Kerad) AAH! D: Since they are speaking Japanese, it would be Junken-pon. Ray: You're right! Junken-pon! Ai-ko-de-sho! > "Kisama no shi o motte na!" (Yeah, with your death!) Kerad kicked >Falkyn square in the abdomen, knocking the wind out of him and forcing him >back. Peter: (Falkyn) I'm a dead dying bug... > Coughing, Falkyn regained himself and prepared his chi. "You won't >win," is all he said. With that, he retreated into the underbrush. Winston: With the rest of the rabid wolverines. > "He's running!" Tayid exclaimed. Windy: No, Tayid. He's doing the moonwalk, you friggin idiot! > "No, he isn't," Kerad replied. "He is merely advancing backward. >Try to flush him out, and I'll wait for him." > Egon: I believe that's an oxymoron. Peter: Falkyn's a moron... Windy: No, Tayid's the moron. Ray: I can't advance backwards! D: I wouldn't even attempt it! > Falkyn stopped and put his back against a thick spruce tree. "I have >to rethink my strategy. I can't fight him within kicking range; those boots >are steel-soled, and they /HURT/!" > All: NO DUH! Winston: If he has to rethink his strategy...then he's toast. > "Falkyn!" Tayid called. "Come out and play! I won't hurt you... >much." She stabbed her rapier into various bushes, but only succeeded in >impaling a small chipmunk and cutting a garter snake in two. "Where are >you? I have something for you!" > Ray: Why did she impale the poor chipmunnk? It was minding its own business! Egon: (Chipmunk) Hmm, what's that shiny thing? ARUGH! Winston: That was mean, Egon. Egon: Sorry. > Kerad followed Tayid's path into the brush to hunt down Falkyn and >cross swords again. He looked around, letting his eyes adjust to the sudden >absence of light. Egon: Or maybe just the darkness. Peter: Such a nitpicker. >"Falkyn... Don't brand yourself a coward. Shall I slit your throat, or >just ram my sword into your gut and be done with it?" Windy: Maybe you should just shut the hell up! Winston: [whispering to Ray] I'm out of here once this is over. Ray: [whispering back] She's going to riot like no tomorrow... > A bolt of bright yellow light streaked past him, barely missing his >right cheek and striking a wide tree, blasting a large dark hole in it and >causing it to smolder. Egon: (Chipmunk) FIRE! FIRE! RUNAWAY! Ray: No! Barbecued chipmunk! Winston: [pats Ray on the back] It's okay, Ray. Just remember this is fiction. Ray: Okay. Winston: *THWAP* Egon: OUCH! > "Nice trick," Kerad said. "You'll have to do better than that, >because now I have a general idea of where you are!" > Windy: Fool! Don't you know that's the oldest trick in the book!? > /Che! I should have used a different technique./ Winston: Whoops, Falkyn didn't know that he should have RAN after firing that bolt! Peter: I think its the rush of the battle, its cutting off the circulation to his brain. Egon: If he even had a brain to begin with. > "Now I gotcha!" Peter: Who has who?! Winston: Kerad caught Falkyn...or is that Tayid? Ray: I don't know! > Someone behind Falkyn tackled him to the ground. His sword went >flying and rammed into another tree. He threw his attacker off and flipped >to his feet, charging chi in his arm. Peter: FROST BREATH! Egon: TORNADO FLAME! Ray: THUNDER PUNCH! D: HURRICANE KICK! Winston: HADOKEN! Ray: Wrong game, Winston. Winston: Whoops! BURNING FLARE! D: Speaking of which, Raymond. You've never reached level 99! Ray: I know, Legend of Legaia is a toughie! > It was Kerad's female companion. She reached for her rapier, but >Falkyn struck her hand with a small chi shot, then dashed out of sight. > Egon: As she hyphenated away... Ray: (Tayid) WAAA! He shot me! > "Tayid, where is he?" Kerad asked as he approached. Ray: (Kerad) Tayid, doko wa Farukiin!? D: (Tayid) Are-yo!! Egon: What? Winston: Never understood them, never will try to understand them... > Still blowing on her scorched hand, Tayid pointed with her other hand >toward where Falkyn had run. Peter: (Tayid) OOCHIE OUCHIE! Windy: Or would that be had ran? I'm still fuzzy on the English language. Egon: What language did you speak? Windy: Gothic and a little Teutonic. Egon: Uh...okay... > He lay his hand on her shoulder. "I'll take care of this." > Suddenly, a swastika-shaped throwing star split the air and embedded >in Tayid's chest. She collapsed to the ground, ichor flowing from her >wound. Peter: Ninja stars! All: HEAVY NINJA ACTION! Ray: [jumps up] MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!! Egon: He's been dying to say that. Peter: [sarcastic] How can you tell? > "Tayid!" Kerad cried, cradling her head in his hands. "I'll take you >back to Tartarus, where you can regenerate." > "It's in too deep. I'm dying, again." Peter: O_O Egon: At least he didn't say anything. Winston: If I wasn't the mild mannered man I am, I'd say that was an innuendo! Ray: You've been around Peter too long. Winston: You're right. > Kerad held her close. "I don't want to lose you." Windy: Then use the leash next time. It'll keep her from wandering off. > "We had a good time together... I just wish, we could have... made >love... just once..." All: O_O Windy: I'm glad you didn't! Peter: She'd probably confuse body parts. Winston: (Tayid) I thought you used your arm!? Egon: [turns green] Ray: OUCH! >Her body went slack, then faded out of existence, the throwing star >clattering to the ground. Peter: I guess it's safe to say; Tayid was so skinny that when she turned sideways, she vanished. Winston: That was horrible! Ray: [snickering] > "Tayid!!! Kono mama de wa, owaranzo!" he cried to the heavens, then >his head dropped to his chest. "Falkyn... You, you bastard! She was Windy: STUPID! BAKA TAYID! >innocent! how will this reflect on you when your soul reaches the >Beastlands?" Peter: (Falkyn) Who says I'm going to hell? Egon: Why should he care? It's not like he's cared about the other few million of people he killed. VO Derek: I plan on adding four more to that list... Egon: O_O > Falkyn stepped out of the shadows. "Now, it's one-on-one." Winston: (cheesy accent) Mano y Mano... Peter: Hand and hand? > Kerad slowly turned his head toward Falkyn, tears streaming down his >face. "Enryonaku... ikimasu!" (Without hesitation... here I come!) He >connected his swords, locked them in place, and went berserk. Ray: HUSS HUSS!!!!!! Windy: Berserk eh? All: It's over! HUZZAH! [They start to leave when Windy roars] Windy: RIOT!!!!! Egon: AHHHH! [Windy jumps up from the floor and rips her seat from the ground. Roaring, she chucks the chair over her head.] Ray: WATCH IT! [ducks the flying chair] Winston: HEADS UP! [She throws a motlov cocktail at the screen. Grabbing Peter, she throws him into the air.] Peter: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Windy: RRRRIIIIOOOOTTTT!!!! [She runs over and grabs Winston and spins him on her finger.] Winston: I get air sick! YEEAAAAHHH! Windy: MUHAHAHAHAHAR! [Lightning flies from her fingers as the Ghostbusters and D scramble for cover] All: NNNNOOOOO! [Windy basically goes into a one woman wrecking crew demolition derby. Total chaos reigns as Egon gets thrown into Winston and both go flying into the screen.] Egon: YEOUCH! Winston: My suit! STOP THE FLAMES! [Ray hoses Winston and Egon off with the fire extinguisher. As soon as he's done, he's grabbed and used as an air guitar again] Ray: YIPE! Windy: [flexing her muscles] RRRROOOOOOOOAAAARRRRRR!!! [D tries to escape, but Windy grabs him and rolls him down the aisle like a bowling ball] D: MASTER! HELP! Egon: RUNAWAY! Winston: The door's locked! Peter: [banging on the door] HEEELLLPPP! Ghostbusters: AHHHHHHH!!! VO Tory: We gotta stop her! VO Derek: How!? VO Tory: Like this! [A large wooden cross falls down onto Windy] Windy: EEP! [her nose wrinkles] Is that garlic!? ARGH! **THUD** VO Derek: D, drag her to the bridge. D: Will do! [Door sign] [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] Egon: What the heck happened back there?! Peter: [holding his arm] Chaos, pandemonium, discord...take your pick, Egon! Winston: I didn't know she was going to snap like that! Ray: At least you weren't used as a stringed instrument. Windy: [slowly waking up] Guys, wha happened? [The Ghostbusters and D take a few steps away from Windy] Windy: [sitting up] When did we leave the theater? Egon: Five minutes ago. Windy: What happened? Winston: You went beserk. D: DON'T SA-- Windy: Beserk eh!? RIOOOTTTT! Peter: [pushes the button] [ FWOOOOOOOOOSH! ] \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ [Screen grows dark, voices overheard] "AHHHHHHHH!!!" "NO! PUT ME DOWN!" "MUHAHAHAHAHAR!" "EEEOUCH!!" "NNNNNOOOOOO!" *ROAR* *CRASH* *THUD* "EEEEYYYYAAAAHHHH!" "MASTER! HELP!!!" *BAM* *BANG* "Windy, stop this at once!" "Shaddup, before I come riot up there!" "Oh, by all means then, carry on!" "TRAITORS!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" _________________________________________________________________________ "Falkyn, Chapter 26" by: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) SHAMELESS PLUGS: You can find the rest of Falkyn the MSTing at: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com/Falkyn Tory's Real Ghostbusters Webpage: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com Komera Waddi's RPG and Interactive Stories: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Stadium/4989/ EMAIL US! Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) _________________________________________________________________________ > /I must find a way to get to Tartarus and finish him off, once and >for all./ "Friend, do you know how to travel to the Outer Planes?" All: [just blinks] Winston: He's asking your average citizen how to get to hell!? Windy: I know sin was high in these days, but damn!