Fan-Fiction Theater 3000 EPISODE: 023 -- Pissed Vampire Theme Song Today's Victim: Falkyn -- Chapter 23 by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) MSTed by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) and Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: The Real Ghostbusters are owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc., and I hope they don't mind us using their characters and settings. FFT3K Theme Song [cue MST3K track] In the not-too-distant future way out and deep in space A mysterious android, name is D, Is in a dark and lonely place Stuck up on SoL, all alone, Why not do an E.T. and grab a phone? He ran some tests until some me-te-ors Made the satellite home for the Ghost-bust-ers... (Peter: "IT'S RAY'S FAULT!!!") (Ray: "IS NOT!") "I'm reading cheesy fanfics, The worst, I can find,(LA LA LA) We'll have to sit and read them all, Or you'll gradually lose your mind!" (LA LA LA) Now keep in mind, the 'busters can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (LA LA LA) D'll try to keep the sanity Of his newfound 'busting friends! GB Roll Call! Spengler! (We're on!) Zeddemore! (Oh, man!) Ray Stantz! (Check this out...HAI-KEEBA!) Venkmaaaaaan! (Hey, baby!) If you're wonderin' how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST," And you should really just relax. For Fan Fiction Theater, 3000! [Guitar twang] Peter: It should be The Real Ghostbusters 3000! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! [D retracts the Rocket Fist] STARRING: Spengler, Egon, Dr. 6'3" Blond hair, blue eyes (which happen to be myopic, hence the red glasses) A genius with an exaggerated I.Q. Contains multiple degrees in the field of parapsychology and physics. He is responsible for the creation of the proton packs and the ecto-containment unit. Stantz, Ray, Dr. 5'8" Red hair, brown eyes The youngest member of the group, second to Egon in holding multiple degrees. He specializes in engineering and occult sciences. Egon once said he had the mental state of a six year old. Venkman, Peter, Dr. 5'10" Dk. Brown hair, green eyes All-around idiot (no kidding, Peter: HEY!) Amazingly, he has two Ph.D's, one in psychology and the other in parapsychology. He's actually smarter than he pretends to be. Most trouble they're in, is because of Peter. Zeddemore, Winston, Dr. 5'11" Black hair, brown eyes The only member of the group who doesn't have a Ph.D, he earned his 'Dr' title as an honorary member of Columbia University. The only member of the group who has common sense (Winston: Damn straight!). D 6'0" No hair, yellow eyes A Model 27 High-Density Productivity Android that took residence at the abandoned Satellite of Love. Looks like a cross between Adam of Shining Force and Data from ST: TNG. * * * * [Deep 13] Tory paced the floor of Deep 13's lab with a cell phone stuck to her ear. Each expression on her face was nothing but expressions of disgust. "I know, Windy---Yeah, but---Okay, all right..." Derek's ears perked up at the mention of the vampire's name. "That was Windy!?" "Yes, it was Windy and boy, is she pissed!" Tory groused, slamming the phone on the lab bench. "Now what?" asked Derek. "Well, remember when Peter said he had a 'date' with her?" Tory asked, folding her arms across her chest. Derek's face turned red at the memory. "I remember something like that." "I just found out that she didn't sleep with him. He lied!" "He did!" A large smile blossomed on the young man's face. "I knew she wouldn't!" "Funny, you were jealous when you thought he did." Grinning, Tory sat down at the lab table next to Derek. "That was different!" The red marks on his cheeks grew to the size of two quarters. "Just talking about her makes you blush...how sweet!" Tory started to laugh, much to Derek's dismay. "Not funny!" [VoFF] Ray Stantz and Winston Zeddemore were playing a hand of Gin rummy when a very irate vampire appeared before them. "GYAH!" Ray dropped his cards, falling out of his seat. "Where is he!?" Windy roared, gripping the two handed sword tighter. Winston eyeballed the large claymore in her hands. He just hoped that she wasn't looking for him! "Who are you looking for?" Windwalker turned to face Winston, her violet eyes were almost burning within their sockets. "Peter. That rat fink said I slept with him!" Ray's eyes widened. "Uh-oh..." "Uh-oh is right! When I get my hands on him, he dies VERY painfully!" Her voice was almost at a full-fledged yell. "He's in his quarters." Winston pointed to the main door that led to the hallway. She placed the claymore's blade under his throat. "If you're lying, Zeddemore, I come back and drain you." * * * * "I'm telling you, Egon. I've gotta get outta here! This isolation is wreaking havoc on my love life," Peter complained, messing with his hair in the small mirror. "I thought you had a 'love life' with that vampire," Egon responded, a small smirk playing with his face. "That was a one time thing. I mean something serious!" Peter sighed and got a fey look in his eyes. "Someone I can be with forever." Egon chuckled. "This from the man who fell in love with Operator 23." "Hey! It could have been something real!" Peter sighed again. Before Egon could respond, the door of the quarters bent, quavered and snapped under a great weight. After the dust and debris settled, the two Ghostbusters saw what decimated the steel door. "You bastard!" Windy yelled, dropping her claymore and rushing Venkman with both hands outstretched. Peter released a squeak of protest as the vampire started to slowly close his airway. She didn't even feel the physicist beating at her back, trying to get her to release his friend. "What? WHAT?!" Peter squeaked. "You told everyone I SLEPT with YOU!" Windy growled, giving him another shake that was even more forceful than the last. The emerald eyes grew large at realization. "I didn't mean--urk!" He couldn't finish his sentence, because the vampire's supernaturally strong hands had finally cut off his airway. When he looked almost purple, she released his throat and grabbed the front of his brown jumpsuit with one hand. The other, she pulled back, ready to pound his face in. "Windy, no!" Egon cried, continuing to pound on her back. The klaxon starting to flash and the satellite began to shake. "Crap! Movie sign," Windy said, releasing Venkman. "Afterwards, you're mine, pal!" [Door Sequence 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] > Falkyn -- Chapter 23 > By: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) > >________________________________________________________ Windy: This is how long Venkman has to live. Peter: [makes croaking noises] Winston: I take it she got to him. Egon: Yep. Ray: That looks painful! > Slash! > "Uwaaaa!" > Shween! Ray: Shwing! Winston: Party on, Ray! Ray: Party on, Winston! D: [Wayne's World theme] RAY'S WORLD! RAY'S WORLD! PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT! > "Argh!" > Splat! > "Uuoo..." > Windy: Man, that's how it would have turned out if I used my claymore! Peter: Murp! Ray: [pulls out a cell phone] Winston: As cliched as this sounds: Who ya gonna call!? D: [C'mon, you KNOW what he said!] Ray: Our insurance provider, just to make sure we're paid up! Egon: Peter is going to need it. > Kerad Dyilf stood with his legs apart, right arm bent slightly, Egon: (Photographer) Now look happy! Give me anger! Okay, now you're alone and scared! Yes! You go, boy! >holding his double-bladed sword in his right hand. His left hand was out >before him, fingers curled like hooks and palm facing toward the ichor- >stained ground. Windy: (Kerad) Damn! My nail polish doesn't match the floor! Oh, poo! >Three bodies lay on the arena floor, ghastly wounds all over them, some >cauterized. Kerad looked around at the carnage he had caused. Windy: [glances at Peter and starts to chuckle] Ray: Oh, boy! > "Next." > > Hesitantly, three more doomed souls entered the arena, wielding >different weapons: a bastard sword, a morning star, and a pole axe. Ray: And a herring. > Spinning his double-sword threateningly, Kerad whispered, "Show me >your best. Egon: (Doomed soul) What's in it for me?! >Don't hesitate to try and hurt me just because I'm Thanatos's right hand >man." Winston: (Kerad) [Schwarzenegger accent] You leetal gurlee souls! Ah'm goink to pahmp-- D: [clap] Winston: [still accented] you ahp! > The three gave scared looks to each other. Egon: (Dommed soul) Here, this is my scared look. Ray: (Another) Okay, here take mine. Winston: (Ditto) Okay, as long as you give me yours. > Shaking in fear, the one holding the morning star said to his >companions, "I want to go back to the field. I don't want to fight this >guy!" Egon: (Doomed soul) I heard he *plays* with people! Ray: (Another) Aah! > "Do we have a choice?" the one leaning on the pole axe asked. Winston: (Kerad) Sure, I'm a fair man. It's Pepsi or Coke! Egon: (Doomed soul) Er, Coke?! Winston: (Kerad) Wrong! SHI-NE! Egon: (Doomed soul) Aa-urgk! > The one holding the bastard sword shook his head. Peter: (Sword) I don't have a daddy! Windy: Neither will your future children... Ray: Whoa! > All three rushed Kerad at the same time in a desperation tactic, >hoping one of them would penetrate his defenses. > Peter: Lubricate first! Windy: Grrrr...LIGHTNING BOLT! Peter: ARRRRGH! VO Derek: Zap him, mama! VO Tory: [sighs] *THWAP* VO Derek: Ah! > Slash! Shween! Splat! > Egon: Bricka Bracka! Ray: Firecracker! Winston: Sis, Boom, BAH! All three: Bugs Bunny, Bugs Bunny, RAH RAH RAH! Peter: You need to quit watching cartoons. > It was over before it started. A snapped bastard Windy: What's that? Peter gone insane? Peter: HEY! VO Derek: Windy: 1, Peter: goose egg. Winston: Oooh, low blow, Windy. Windy: No, *this* is! [karate chops Peter youknowwhere] Peter: [eyes grow big as he falls out] [The rest start to squirm in their seats] >sword, a disembodied hand clutching the haft of a morning star, Ray: Thing's gone berserk! Winston: Aah! >and a pole axe reduced to toothpicks flew the air, while their former >wielders sprayed ichor from countless wounds as their upper halves slid from >their lower halves. [Everyone turns green, except for Windy] Windy: [licking lips] Is this ichor anything like blood!? Peter: HARF! VO Derek: Likened to blood, my dear. > Still spinning his double-sword, Kerad jammed one end into the ground >and clicked his heels together. Peter: There's no place like Hooters, there's no place like Hooters... Egon: Leave it to Peter to turn a Wizard of Oz comment into a hentai one. Peter: It's not that hard, Egon... Egon: [groans] >"Unimpressive. You should at least put some effort into your death throes." Winston: Kerad's into stand up comedy now? Ray: [throws popcorn at the screen] BOOOO! > "Wanna try me again, big boy?" Ray: It couldn't be? Egon: Is it!? Peter: I hope so! Winston: D, get that Rocket Fist ready...we're gonna need it! D: Affirmative. Windy: I'll keep a few lightning bolts handy... > Indifference changed to desperation and anger. "Tayid!" Kerad >growled, turning to face the corsair. "How many times must I tell you that >I am the last man you would want to associate yourself with?" Egon: The more you run, the more she's gonna chase you. Peter: Yeah, now if he turns and starts to chase, she's gonna run! Ray: You would know that, considering how they always run from you. Winston: [laughs] Peter: [growls at Ray] VO Derek: Ray: 1, Peter: 0! Pete, you're getting whomped! Peter: [continues growling] > She sauntered up to him and looked him over. "Y'know your shirt's >got some ugly ichor stains on it? A good washing ought to get 'em right >out." Egon: Don't fall for it, it's a trap to get you nude! Winston: And we *DON'T* want to see that! Ray: Because it's actually Derek! All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! D: IAI! Windy: If he wasn't so young... [drums her fingers on the armrest] Ghostbusters: ECCHI! Windy: WHAT?! VO Derek: Hmm... > "I can do my own laundry, woman. I don't need stereotypes in my >life." Ghostbusters: [blinks] Windy: Stereotypes? You're one walking stereotype yourself! > He snapped his blades apart and sheathed them at the same time. Winston: Awright, how'd he do that?! Egon: Do what? Winston: He snapped the swords apart and sheathed them at the same time! Egon: Oh, I don't know. >"If I want to talk to you, I'll let you know. But remember that I'll never >have to." He left the arena at a rapid pace, leaving Tayid to stand among >six ichor-covered corpses. > Winston: (Kerad) Woman...must...get away...urge to scream...rising! > Kerad returned to his quarters, which was little more than a stand >for his clothing, a rack for his swords, and a bed just big enough for him >alone. Peter: So, Kerad lives in a crack shack. Egon: I think you mean cracker jack shack. Peter: No, I mean crack shack. Crackheads only need a few things to survive! Winston: You're calling Kerad a crackhead!? Peter: Did I stutter?! Windy: If I slice out your tongue, you will... D: If you remove his tongue, he will no longer be able to articulate speech, Miss Windwalker. VO Derek: We can all live with that, but ON WITH THE 'FIC! > Silently, he put Dishonor and Injustice on the rack, pulled off his >shirt and jacket, and dropped to one knee. Winston: [falls to one knee by Windy] I'm down on bended knee... Windy: [deadpan] Cute...really... VO Derek: Back off, Zeddemore... > "Why do I have these feelings?" he asked of himself. Windy: (Kerad) Wait, I was touching myself... Peter: HENTAI! HENTAI! Egon: Why are you screaming?! Peter: She said something hentai! Windy: It wasn't hentai, freak! LIGHTNING BOLT!! Peter: ARRRGH! >"I don't need them! All they are is a burden on me! What purpose do they >serve? If I don't know, I will only suffer the weight of unneccesary >emotion!" Winston: To be, or not to be, THAT is the question! Egon: He is going dramatic in that scene, there... D: A bit of drama is always something good. >His hands went to his head. Clutching a handful of hair on each side, he >looked up to the roof and roared, "WHY!?!" > Windy: I think Kerad's just sexually frustrated, like Peter. Ray: That's the most coherent---[flinches at Windy growls] Egon: I think he means, you hit the nail on the head. Windy: Oh...[pats Ray on his head] Ray: Whew! > A few minutes later, he had the answer. "Of course. She is only a >test. I must find the correct path, or I will undoubtedly fail in my >ultimate quest for revenge." Peter: If you don't watch it, you'll fall into bed! Egon: That's the most weak excuse I've ever heard. Peter: Egon, it actually does happen...need I remind you of some falling you did yourself? [wriggles his eyebrows] Egon: Uh, no...and to defend myself, I was tripped! Winston: Egon!? OOOOH! Ray: I was there...not pretty. I don't even want to know what that was on his face! Egon: SHADDUP! Windy: Oooh, Egon's more hentai than we've thought... Egon: I AM NOT! Peter: See, no one believed me when I said Egon was a freak. Windy: A freak? This geek!? Egon: HEY! >He stood and hooked Injustice to his belt. Stopping for a minute to run his >fingers through his hair and work out any knots, he went back to the arena, >leaving his shirt and Dishonor in his room. He only needed Injustice for >what he planned; using the double-blade weapon would be overkill. > Windy: Mild nudity alert! All children advert their eyes NOW! [Covers Ray's eyes with her hands] Ray: Thank yo--wait; are you calling me a child!? Winston: Be happy...remember, it's Derek! Ray: Oh yeah...THANKS! Peter: Enough nudity...when is that break light going to start flashing! Egon: You'd forget nudity for the sake of a break!? Peter: I gotta go to the bathroom! Egon: [groans] [The yellow klaxon starts to flare] D: Break time! [Door sequence: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] [When they enter the bridge, they find the communications panel already linked to Deep 13] [VoFF] All: GYAH! Peter: My heart can't take this excitement...neither can my bladder! [Peter runs off to find the bathroom] [Deep 13] Tory: Bleh! Derek: So, boobies. How do you find this chapter going? [VoFF] Windy: I'm enjoying myself...or maybe that's because I plan on slaughtering Venkman at the end? Winston: I think it's the latter... Windy: You're right! [Deep 13] [Derek starts chuckling and rubbing his hands together] Tory: Ignore him. As soon as Peter gets back, you do the skit and don't fudge on the script this time! [VoFF] Ray: With her here!? [Deep 13] Tory: Why not!? [VoFF] [Peter comes running back in] Peter: Did we start yet!? Egon: No, we've gotta do the skit...and guess what, you play in it! Ray: With Windy, no less! Peter: With...[gulps] her!? Windy: [grins, flashing her fangs] Peter: AAAH! [Deep 13] Both: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAR!!!! [VoFF] Peter: [sarcastic] Muhahaha...moth--mroguthg! [Peter tried to flip the bird but Winston caught his hand in time] Ray: Let's get moving! [The Ghostbusters and Windy run off the bridge.] Ray: (from outside) This is what we'd like to see happen! [Windy enters wearing a funny looking red/yellow wig] Windy: Oh, where can Kerad be? That hand...er...cute... [looks at her hand] That handsome man! [Peter enters, missing his shirt and holding a sword made of cardboard] Peter: Here I am, do you still want me?! [waggles his eyebrows] Windy: Oh, Tayid! Ray: (from outside) YOU'RE Tayid! Windy: Sorry! Oh, Kerad! Peter: See, I'm nothing but skin and bone...yet you still want me? Windy: No, I lied... Peter: [faked surprise] You...lied??! Windy: Yes...I wanted to...that is, I wanted to... Peter: Yes? Windy: KILL YOU AND TAKE YOUR HEAD! CORSAIR CRASH! AAAYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!! [The screen goes white and you can hear the sounds of someone being viciously beaten] Peter: No, please! TAYID, DON'T! AHHHHHHHH--urgh! *THUD* [The screen comes back on and Windy has ketchup on her clothing and Peter's body is at her feet, his head is hidden under the bridge table] Windy: Thank you. [bows] VO Derek: [clapping] [Deep 13] Tory: Someone is feeling *way* bitter! Derek: Really, I think it's the backward name thing. Tory: [nodding] Derek: Well, back to the fic! [VoFF] D: We have MOVIE SIGN! [They exit the bridge into the theatre] [Door sequence: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] > He found Tayid leaning against one of the walls, fingers laced >together behind her head. She turned to look at him entering. Windy: Say one word, Peter and I swear I'll shove this lightning bolt somewhere VERY small... Peter: What?! Egon: (Tayid) What's this? A skinny chicken? Oh, it's *Kerad*! > "Not all that impressive?" Kerad asked, speaking of himself. All: OH, MY, GOD! Peter: Not even near impressive! Windy: He got nude just to show himself to her?! [makes barfing noises as she covers Ray's eyes] Egon: Even if he is half nude...I still don't need to see this! Ray: La la la, I can't see! Winston: Be glad! D: That is an inferiority complex he carries. He is actually well built, but he doesn't think so. Peter: If you look at him that way... [announcing] We have a gay android with us today, ladies and gentlemen! > Tayid took a moment to look him over. "I wouldn't be so quick to >judge you." Winston: I would! Windy: Me too! Egon: We all would! All: HARF! > "I'm little more than skin and bone. You have nary a reason to >desire me or this body." Windy: He speaks the truth...wake up, girl! D: He doesn't see the fact that he is--mrphle! Peter: Can it, Artoo-Gaytoo! > Taking her hands out from behind her head, Tayid stepped up to the >young man and put her hand on his chest. "Maybe I do." Peter: EWWW, she's touching him! > /Almost time,/ Kerad thought to himself. /I just need her a little >longer./ "And what reason would that be?" Ray: [removes Windy's hands] A little longer?!?! Winston: Not that, Ray. Ray: WHEW! > She looked him in his dark eyes and replied, "You're the only man >I've ever met that could last as long as you did Egon: 0_0 Ray: 0_0 Windy: 0_0 Peter: 0_0 Winston: Guys, let the sentence FINISH! D: I agree, perverts. >in a fight. Windy: Oh! (*^_^*) >Besides, I think you're pretty cute." Egon: WE HAVE CUTE SIGN! Peter: Break out the barf bags! Windy: Derek and I are gonna have a little talk after this... Winston: Why? Windy: I have to teach him that all women don't chase UGLY ASS MEN! [her aura starts to glow and crackle] Peter: WHOA! D: Please, you're shortcircuting my system! Windy: Gomen, D. VO Derek: I believe he suffers from Anime Law #39, the Law of Inverse Attraction: the more you want, the less you get, and vice versa. D: Also a degree of paranoia and an inferiority complex, to top it off. Peter: Will you two shut up!? > "Tayid, do you see the scar on my face?" Kerad indicated the scar >ripping down his left eye that was glowing darkly. "What would make you >believe that a man with such a disfigurement could be worth it?" Windy: HELL, NO! I'm sure there are better looking dead men around! Find a vampire, for cripes sake! Egon: [turns green] Better looking dead men?! > Her hand slid from his chest to his shoulder. "I have my reasons. >Now what do you think of me?" Windy: ARGH! [aura explodes, sending showers of sparks everywhere] Egon: HIT THE DECK! [The Ghostbusters and D crawl under their seats] Windy: Sorry about that. > "I have no need for women. Windy: And you think we have a need for you? Winston: There is that comic relief... Windy: You've got a point there, Winston. D: Again I shall bring up the inferiority complex to explain his reasoning. >I was tormented by all when I was a child, just because I was different. Ray: So, shouldn't he hate men, too?! Peter: But if he's not gay, he doesn't need men the way he *needs* women. Egon: He should just hate everyone and not be so misogynistic! Winston: Right on, m'man! VO Derek: Same here. >I didn't do what they did, and they ostracized me for it. Then, one day, I >snapped. D: TTTTTTHHHHHHWWWAAAANNNNGGGG! Winston: There goes that hamstring! >I swore to exact revenge on all of them when I had the power, and now I have >it, but I have yet to ask permission of Lord Thanatos to do so." Egon: Yes, tell the person you DIDN'T want to talk to your entire plan. D: If he were an Evil Overlord, he would have been overthrown by now, considering how dense he is. > Tayid just gave him a funny look. "Pretty in-depth. But just give >me a yes or no: do you think I'm pretty?" Windy: Oh, cripes, she's an idiot too! Winston: She reminds me of Li'na, oddly... Peter: Hey, you're right! Ray: Where has Li'na been, anyway? > /No turning back now./ "Yes. You are the most attractive woman I >have ever met." /By Thanatos's dandruff, what am I saying?/ Egon: /And what would she want with me?/ Ray: /And how are we talking with the stupid marks around our sentences?/ D: /It's rather easy; we're thinking, not talking./ > "Would you like to sleep with me?" Windy: [her face scrunches up as she prepares to yell] Peter: Oh, no! Windy: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, TAYID? QUIT ACTING STUPID BEFORE I STEP IN AND KICK YOUR ASS!!! Egon: Considering who it is, she probably could do it, too. Winston: My bet would be on Windy. Ray: Mine, too! VO Derek: What's the betting cap? > /No, you idiot! Don't you remember your oath of celibacy, Ray: Kerad ain't the most cutest man around... Winston: So that oath wouldn't have been too hard to take. Peter: Now for me-- Egon: It would be easier... Windy: Good one, geek! Egon: I'M NOT A GEEK! >not to mention your hatred of humanity? If you don't listen to me, as you >have all these years, you won't have me to talk to anymore!/ Winston: Question, what does celibacy and hatred of humanity have in common?! Egon: Absolutely nothing, unless he vowed never to sleep with a human ever again. Windy: Considering the other races out there...humans are the best way to go. You ever try to sleep with an ogre!? EWWWW! Peter: Uh no, I can't say I have! Ray: Me neither. > After listening to his conscience (metaphorically) berate him, Kerad >decided to refrain from answering. > "Well? What about it?" Winston: Now she's begging! Egon: The man shortage in Hell must be *REALLY* big... Ray: Kerad's probably the only human-looking thing there...EWWWW! Peter: Now that's rough. D: No, she is not begging; she is waiting for his response. > Kerad dropped to his knee. Peter: He's gonna ask her to marry him?! The BLEEP!? VO Derek: Shut up, Venk, before I blast you into component protons and electrons. >"Tayid, with all due respect, I cannot. I took an oath, and I will not >break it." Egon: Exploding it...now that's different. Windy: Egon... Egon: Sorry. > /You made the right choice, ol' buddy!/ Ray: Is he talking to himself, or *himself* Windy: [shocked] RAY! Ray: WHAT!? It was a legimate question!! D: Negative, his mind is talking to him. It is the only thing he has to talk to, to him, at least. > Surprisingly, Kerad never noticed Tayid draw her rapier and put it at >his throat. "What if I decided to take you by force?" All: WHAT?! SHE'S GONNA RAPE **HIM**?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Peter: A man can never be raped by a woman! Egon: What makes you say that?! Peter: A man would be glad that a woman wants him. [looks at Windy] Winston: You would...anyway... Ray: Zinger! VO Derek: Winston: 1, Peter: still a big, fat 0! Windy: [notices] Don't look at me, I'm not going to prove anything. > /You're on your own, Kerad! Your conscience isn't as brave as your >physical being!/ Windy: Neither is my stomach...and I don't eat food! Peter: You don't? Ray: A vampire doesn't need to eat solid foods...blood is all they need. Windy: [fang flash] I never did get to talk to you, did I, Ray? Ray: Uh...no...and I'd like to keep it that way... > Reacting in the only manner he knew, Kerad fast-drew Injustice and >they crossed swords. Kerad switched his weapon to his right hand, as he >neglected to bring Dishonor with him. Winston: As we redundantly are told... Egon: It was stated that he only had Injustice with him. > He quickly blocked two swings and went low. His strike was parried >and he ducked under a horizontal slice. Tayid hopped over Kerad's sweep and >her next attack was met with a swift block. Kerad stepped back and jumped >over Tayid's head, twisting in midair so that he landed facing her. As she >turned, Kerad had just executed a blindingly fast swing that slit open her >blouse at stomach level. All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION! Ray: Go head, Windy...say it! Windy: MASTER VAMPIRE THEME SONG! Egon: No, you've got it wrong...it's suppose to reflect the action in the story. Windy: Oh, sorry. MASTER SLICING THEME SONG! Ray: That's better! Windy: Ok, I get it. Peter: I can't believe they're teaching her this! Winston: Just so you and I don't have to say that crap. Peter: Ahh! > Momentarily surprised, Tayid countered, making a light cut across >Kerad's chest, bright red blood trickling from the wound. He put two >fingers to his wound and drew them back, looking at the blood that stained >his fingers. Windy: [starts to drool] Damn, I'm hungry. Ghostbusters: AAAH! Windy: What the heck are you screaming about?! [pulls something from her pouch] I've brought my own food! Peter: Whew! Windy: I love O positive! Ray: EEP! VO Tory: Windy, don't ever come near me again. > A sick smile formed on his face, and he brought his hand to his >mouth. He licked the scarlet stain off his fingertips, Ray: A relative of yours, Windy? Windy: No! VO Derek: Not a relative, but darn masochistic! >then asked, "Shall we make this match two-out-of-three strikes?" Winston: You're mad she cut you, that's all. Egon: I'd be pretty pissed, too, if someone cut me! > "You're on, handsome. If I win, I get you. If you win, I won't >bother you again." Ray: HE IS NOT HANDSOME! Windy: Ray, calm down...but then again: YOU DAMN RIGHT! > /What does she see in me?/ Kerad put that thought aside to back away >from a thrust and knock the point aside. Peter: Shouldn't it be what he *sees* in *her*? Winston: Borederline hentai, I'll let that slip. Peter: Hehehehehe! Windy: Such a freak! Peter: No, Egon is. Egon: AM NOT, DAMMIT! >He backflipped twice and readied another barrage. But first, he wanted to >show her a move he learned while he was traveling through Emuk. Winston: He likes her, he's starting to show off for her! Windy: Some women can make men act like total idiots. Egon: That's an everday occurrence for Peter... Peter: SHADDUP! > "Resshinzan!" (Earthquake Slash) Kerad leaped and forward-flipped, >bringing his curved blade down hard into the floor of the arena, sparks >flying from the impact. Tayid was not in his field of vision when he >landed, but he felt another swipe across his back, and more of his lifeblood >flow from the wound. All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION! Windy: MASTER BLOOD THEME SONG! Ray: [sighs] Windy: What!? He's bleeding! Winston: She's right... Egon: Coincidence... > Tayid walked around him and sheathed her rapier. "Looks like I win. >Now pay up." All: ARGH! NOOOO! > Kerad fell to one knee. /It was a mistake agreeing to that. Well, I >can't back out, anyway./ "I let you win, you know. The Resshinzan is >practically impossible to hit with." Peter: He *let* her win?! He wanted to get raped!? ARGH! Egon: This is turning HENTAI! Winston: AHH! Windy: Didn't Derek say he doesn't write hentai stories? Ray: Yes. Windy: Did his evil twin write this!? D: My master doesn't have a twin. [They all stare at D] Ray: It was D! D: What? [looks around] IAI! If you even CONTEMPLATE reprogramming me again, I will shove my Rocket Fist up your BLEEPs at point-blank! Peter: Whoa, I didn't know he could go like that! Ray: Neither did I! > "Shut up and enjoy it!" Tayid pulled Kerad to his feet and planted a >fierce kiss on his lips. > [Everyone starts making barfing noises] Windy: Damn, right after I ate...crap! > /Doesn't she ever come up for air?/ Egon: We don't know and DON'T CARE! Peter: For once, I AGREE! Winston: This is disgusting! > Finally, she relented and let Kerad go. "You're a mediocre kisser." > "Believe me, I haven't had practice. You have a strange idea of >foreplay." Kerad couldn't help but stare at Tayid's seductive form. /We >can't do it. Not now, not ever./ Windy: If somebody don't do something, I'm taking this place apart! Winston: Be a nice little vampy, and drink your blood. Windy: [big anime like eyes] I drank it all... Ray: AAH! D: I am glad I do not possess blood. Might I offer Peter as a drink? Peter: D! > "This isn't the best place. How about we go to your room?" Peter: That little crack shack?! He couldn't scratch his butt if he wanted to! > Kerad put his hand on the pommel of Injustice. "It's barely big >enough for me, let alone the two of us." He looked away plaintively, then a >sinister gleam reflected in his eyes. He turned to Tayid and put his arm >around her waist. He bent in and slowly kissed her, but his other hand >remained with Injustice. Windy: Watch it!!! Winston: Dirty bastard! Peter: Great, the vampire yells at the screen too. Ray: [sighs] > Kerad had orginally planned to put Injustice between her ribs, but >her kiss had melted his cold heart. Egon: Argh! Peter: What? He kept his heart in a freezer somewhere?! Windy: I did that for a few years...the freezer burn is murder! >Before he met this woman, Kerad only knew of one thing: Peter: [Looks at Windy] Windy: [Looks at Peter] Both: [start to laugh manically] Ray: Now I *KNOW* that was hentai! >hate. Pure, unconditional, total hate. VO Derek: Now THAT'S the Kerad I know! >Hatred of all living, intelligent races drove him to join Thanatos in order >to destroy them, VO Derek: Yep, definitely Kerad. Windy: Shut up! VO Derek: For you, I will. ;-) >but when his lips touched Tayid's, he suddenly felt a surge of emotion, the >first of its kind: love. Winston: Damn, I got a cavity. Windy: [starts flossing her fangs] Peter: That was so sappy sweet! Ray: Look! It's on the floor! Egon: That's burned candy from last chapter! Ray: It's still here!? Peter: [cringes away from Ray] My eyebrows just grew back in, STAY BACK! >Could Kerad learn to love this corsair that he once only thought of as a >fighter? Maybe Kerad could return this woman's love... > Windy: Just wrap it in velvet and put a pretty bow on it. Winston: I think he meant love...not her heart. Windy: Oh, well it is a nice gesture! Egon: [looks at Windy and shudders] > Forgoing his normal excursion into the village in order to train >even harder, Falkyn had unlocked his full potential as a fighter. All: GYAH! Egon: Don't *DO* that! Winston: Next time, can we get some stars or something to denote a story shift!? VO Derek: Nope. Live with it, guys (and Windy). > "Ryujin Satsu Zan!" (Dragon God Murder Slash) > His blade was surrounded with purple chi fire, and the blade glowed >neon crimson. Windy: Crimson isn't neon! > "Moeru!" Ray: [singing] Motto, motto...aishiteru, Takishito Miraju!!! Windy: ? Winston: Ignore him, we do. Windy: Oh... VO Derek: If I knew what that meant, I'd probably want to beat him up. > Cutting a wide swath, the flaming blade Egon: I told Wesley Snipes not to do his own stunt for that scene... Peter: Egon, that was *horrible*! Egon: Yes, but you got it. Peter: Shaddup, at least my eyebrows grew back first! >cut through the air and connected with a rocky outcropping. The rock burst >into flame and began glowing dull red. The heat of the attack was intense >enough to melt the rock in a matter of seconds. As the molten rock flowed, >Falkyn leaped and downward-thrust for the lava. All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION! Ray: MASTER MAGMA THEME SONG! > "Hyouretsuzan!" (Cold Cutting Slash) Winston: "Hernia!" (Never Ending Pain) D: Translation error: retsu is "iron", therefore it would be "Cold Iron Slash". Windy: COLD IRON!? Get that away from me! [backs away from the screen] > His blade was engulfed in a huge ice crystal, which shattered as it >touched the ungodly hot material. In almost an instant, the lava reverted >to normal rock. Windy: What does this have to do with Kerad!? Winston: Since Falkyn is the main character, we had to see what was going on in his area. Ray: It just wouldn't be Falkyn without him... Egon: Any doors about? Peter: He probably destroyed them all... > "Now I'm ready for Thanatos and Kerad. But I must keep up this >regimen or my power will fade and I will be weak as a normal human." Windy: Now that sucks...he has to practice his magic or it'll fade!? Ray: Remember, mages have to always practice spells or they forget them! Windy: Now you know why I'm a vampire, I can kick butt without practicing... Egon: It's over! All: HUZZAH! [They stand up and exit] [Door Sequence 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] [On the bridge of the VoFF] Windy: Why was Tayid such an idiot!? Egon: Remember, we figured that there was a man shortage in Hell... Winston: [shudders] I really didn't like the part where he took his shirt off. Ray: ARGH! Peter: [makes barfing noises] [Deep 13] Tory: As usual, they didn't like it. Derek: Do we have an ending planned this time? Tory: Nope, the carnage is about to take place...remember?! Derek: [big grin] Oh, yeah! [whips out a tub of popcorn] Tory: [sighs and shakes her head] [VoFF] Windy: Hey, you're right! [eyes start to flash] [The Ghostbusters slowly move away until Peter is left standing alone] Peter: What the-- Windy: Here, Peter...hehehehe... D: This is *really* going to be nasty... [Egon hits the button and ducks] [ FWOOOOOOOOOSH! ] \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ [The screen goes black, voices are overhead] "You want to tell people I slept with you? TAKE THIS!" "DEAR GOD NO!!!! I JUST GREW THEM BACK!" "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAR!" "Oh my, she shaved his eyebrows...whoops! There goes his hair, too!" "ARGH! I'M BALD!" "Well, now you know to never piss off that vampire again..." [Laughing from up above] "Bwahaha! Peter, I KNEW you'd get it sooner or later!" ________________________________________________________________________ "Falkyn, Chapter 23" by: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) SHAMELESS PLUGS: You can find the rest of Falkyn the MSTing at: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com/Falkyn Tory's Real Ghostbusters Webpage: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com Komera Waddi's RPG and Interactive Stories: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Stadium/4989/ EMAIL US! Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) _________________________________________________________________________ > Surprisingly, Kerad never noticed Tayid draw her rapier and put it at >his throat. "What if I decided to take you by force?" All: WHAT?! SHE'S GONNA RAPE **HIM**?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Peter: A man can never be raped by a woman! Egon: What makes you say that?! Peter: A man would be glad that a woman wants him. [looks at Windy] Winston: You would...anyway... Ray: Zinger! VO Derek: Winston: 1, Peter: still a big, fat 0! Windy: [notices] Don't look at me, I'm not going to prove anything.