Fan-Fiction Theater 3000 EPISODE: 022 -- Another Interlude Today's Victim: Falkyn -- Chapter 22 by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) MSTed by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) and Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: The Real Ghostbusters are owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains inc., and we hope they don't mind us using their characters and settings. FFT3K Theme Song [cue MST3K track] In the not-too-distant future way out and deep in space A mysterious android, name is D, Is in a dark and lonely place Stuck up on SoL, all alone, Why not do an E.T. and grab a phone? He ran some tests until some me-te-ors Made the satellite home for the Ghost-bust-ers... (Peter: "IT'S RAY'S FAULT!!!") (Ray: "IS NOT!") "I'm reading cheesy fanfics, The worst, I can find,(LA LA LA) We'll have to sit and read them all, Or you'll gradually lose your mind!" (LA LA LA) Now keep in mind, the 'busters can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (LA LA LA) D'll try to keep the sanity Of his newfound 'busting friends! GB Roll Call! Spengler! (We're on!) Zeddemore! (Oh, man!) Ray Stantz! (Check this out...HAI-KEEBA!) Venkmaaaaaan! (Hey, baby!) If you're wonderin' how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST," And you should really just relax. For Fan Fiction Theater, 3000! [Guitar twang] Peter: It should be The Real Ghostbusters 3000! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! [D retracts the Rocket Fist] STARRING: Spengler, Egon, Dr. 6'3" Blond hair, blue eyes (which happen to be myopic, hence the red glasses) A genius with an exaggerated I.Q. Contains multiple degrees in the field of parapsychology and physics. He is responsible for the creation of the proton packs and the ecto-containment unit. Stantz, Ray, Dr. 5'8" Red hair, brown eyes The youngest member of the group, second to Egon in holding multiple degrees. He specializes in engineering and occult sciences. Egon once said he had the mental state of a six year old. Venkman, Peter, Dr. 5'10" Dk. Brown hair, green eyes All-around idiot (no kidding, Peter: HEY!) Amazingly, he has two Ph.D's, one in psychology and the other in parapsychology. He's actually smarter than he pretends to be. Most trouble they're in, is because of Peter. Zeddemore, Winston, Dr. 5'11" Black hair, brown eyes The only member of the group who doesn't have a Ph.D, he earned his 'Dr' title as an honorary member of Columbia University. The only member of the group who has common sense (Winston: Damn straight!). D 6'0" No hair, yellow eyes A Model 27 High-Density Productivity Android that took residence at the abandoned Satellite of Love. Looks like a cross between Adam of Shining Force and Data from ST: TNG. * * * * [Deep 13] Sitting in Deep 13, chuckling like a pair of evil twins, Tory and Derek were planning a new and horrible way to humilate the guys. The Space Ghost ending was only the beginning. The pair hoped to come up with some even more insidious ways of making the Ghostbusters suffer. "You know, Derek, this evil scientist gig is pretty fun," Tory said as she scanned the TV, hoping to come across another idea. "I said it would be fun, you didn't believe me!" Derek responded. Tory continued scanning the channels until she came upon something. "Oh! This looks fun!" Derek ran over and looked at the screen. Suddenly, both started to cackle with evil glee. [VoFF] The Ghostbusters and D were sitting down in the main lounge watching Unsolved Mysteries. For once, they had some free time and were using it to loaf. Peter and Ray were stuffing their faces with popcorn while Egon and Winston were having an argument over who killed the gardener. "I'm recieving a message from my master," D announced, standing up and exiting the lounge, heading for the bridge. Sighing, the Ghostbusters followed. When they reached the bridge, D headed for the main communications computer. He reached over and pressed the red button. "Yes, master?" Derek's face filled the screen. "D, Tory and I have came up with a new idea for you all..." He proceded to then describe in great detail. "--the hell?!" "I will not!" "Now that's just plain silly!" "Say what?!" The four Ghostbusters started to complain loudly. They would have continued to complain had Derek not sent a lightning bolt to torch them. "Get in there and do it or you all die!" Derek roared. "Fine, but I'm going to sue for physical, mental and emotional distress!" Peter growled as Ray dragged him off the bridge. [Door Sequence: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] [They walk in and sit down with Peter continously cursing] > Falkyn -- Chapter 22 > By: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) > >________________________________________________________ Peter: This is the applause we're going to get for that STUPID ending! VO Tory: Keep it up... Ray: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-- Winston: What's that? Ray: Flatline...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. D: Clear! *BZAP* (Bones) He's dead, Jim. > It looks like Falkyn and Kerad are into some intense training and >won't be available for a while, so I'm going to have to step in again. Ray: Oh, no...another filler chapter. Winston: This is what happens when characters refuse to cooperate... VO Tory: Look who's talking! >Bear with me, this should be the last interlude, and one of the shorter >chapters (When I wrote it in plain text, it was only five kilobytes). > Egon: Good, then we won't be in here long, will we? > Again, I shall start with new characters that Falkyn's encountered. > Peter: Drat! Ray: He might talk about Tayid... Peter: In that case: YAY! > Villir (17) Winston: Years old? Ray: Hit points? Egon: I think that's the chapter he appears in... D: Correct. > Would you believe his name comes from a part of the body? Egon: I knew that. Winston: You didn't. Egon: Who asked you? Winston: No one needed to. Peter: SHUT UP! >The villi, tiny little finger-like thingys in your small intestine (no >joke!). Ray: Now there's a scary image. Peter: [turns green] >A seer Peter: [mumbling] --sucker... >who also works for Thanatos (I don't know if I should bring the guy back or >not) who showed Falkyn his real past. > Egon: Don't bring him back. His name is disgusting! Winston: Even though you just found out what it meant. Egon: That's enough, Zeddemore! Winston: Oh drop dead! Egon: [growls] Peter: If I have to listen to you two bitch at each other one more time... > Thanatos (17, 20-21) > The word /Thanatos/ comes from the Greek word for death. This >Thanatos is the lord of Tartarus, Ray: I thought Hades was the lord of Tartarus? Egon: No, Hades was the lord of the Underworld. There is a difference. Winston: Mr. Know-it-all... Egon: Winston, do you have a problem? Winston: Yeah, it's 6'3" with blond hair... Egon: Gee, mine is 5'11" and wears a pale blue jumpsuit... [Egon and Winston jump up and charge each other.] Peter: THAT'S IT! [whips out a bat and jumps on the pair] Egon: YEEOUCH! Winston: OUCH! Peter: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! Ray: [twiddles his thumbs] >the Greek equivalent of Hell, and steals humanoid bodies Egon: (Random woman) I know he said he wanted my body, but GOT DAMN! >because the body that he has at any one time gradually decomposes, like a >corpse. He trained Falkyn personally, but his body at the time was quickly >disposed of whe Falkyn broke his hold on him. Peter: (Thanatos) That's the last time I use paper bonds! >Now, he plots revenge, and his instrument of revenge is Kerad Dyilf Egon: The flute of decimation! Peter: The oboe of annihilation! Ray: The xylophone of eviscration! Winston: The guitar of obliteration! D: The bagpipe of Armageddon! [bagpipe music] >(q.v.). > Winston: q.v.?? Peter: I dunno. Ray: [digs out the American Heritage] Uh...Latin; Quod vide. Which see. Egon: It still doesn't make sense! Ray: Well, I tried. [flings Dictionary over his chair.] > Yamada Jubei (19) > The old, perverted martial arts master Winston: Happosai!? Peter: Does he steals women's underwear?! D: Yes. Ray: I didn't know you were making a cameo in this story! Peter: [sarcastic] You're really funny, Ray... >from "Fatal Fury" who munches down honkin' big cookies! What was SNK >thinking of when they made this guy? I mean, /cookies?/ What's with that? > Ray: What's wrong with cookies?!!? I like cookies! Peter: Which you should leave alone...you get too hyper. Ray: I DO NOT! Peter: SEE! > Akuma (19) Egon: Street Fighter Alpha 2?!!? D: First appearance: Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo. Conditions to fight: perfect record (2-0) for every fight on Difficulty 8. > No, not /that/ Akuma! Egon: Oh, okay! Can I have my head back, please?! Winston: No, it looks better mounted! Egon: Hush! >The name comes from two Japanese words that mean "evil" and "demon." Winston: And there is our Japanese lesson for today! >Akuma is more or less a mirror image of Tenma, Peter: He's just missing that left arm... >with black hair, a different axe, and a scar over his right eye instead of >his left. Also wears lizard skin instead of furs. Egon: What is Akuma? A pimp?! Peter: Every pimp has to have a lizard skin suit. > > Kerad Dyilf (20-21) Ghostbusters: AHHH! > The name is a mangled representation of my own. He also looks like >me in a few ways, but he's more impressive. Egon: WE HAVE SELF-INSERTION SIGN! Ray: Of course he would be more impressive, that's the ego of the SI character! Winston: Next thing you know, Kerad will have world destroying attacks! >Fights like Darth Maul from the new Star Wars movie. Peter: Don't say that name!!! Egon: I wonder if Derek paid George Lucas first? Ray: I don't think he has enough money! Winston: No one has enough money. Bill Gates couldn't even tie his shoes! >If you haven't seen it, I suggest you do; the critics must have slept >through the good parts. Winston: Thank you, Roger Siskel... Ray: He gave it two toes up. D: Isn't that Roger Ebert? If I recall, Gene Siskel passed away not too long ago. >Thanatos's right hand man, he hates everyone and everything; he was >tormented as a child, and he just snapped one day. Peter: Now there's an explanation. Egon: I was tormented as a child, and I'm okay. [twitches] Peter: Yeah, sure... [slowly scoots away] > His "Kaen Senpuu Ken" is a variation of Billy Kane's "Chou Kaen Egon: Who the freak is Billy Kane!? Peter: [shrugs] I have no idea. Winston: Could he be an anime character? Ray: [shrugs] D: The Brit from chapter 11. >Senpuu Kon" (Super Flaming Whirlwind Cane), Ray: [lights a candy cane and begins spinning with it] MEGA FLAMING CANDY CANE! Winston: WHOA! WATCH IT! [Winston's sleeve catches fire] AAAHHHH!!! Egon: Oh, no! [grabs the extinguisher and chases after Ray and Winston] Peter: Now see, this is why we don't let Ray get his hands on candy. [ducks the flaming candy] ARGH! My eyebrows! >his personal favorite fighting style is Savate, and he wields two swords, >which he can connect at the pommel to form a weapon not unlike Darth Maul's. > Egon: Here comes the lawsuit... Winston: *cough* He means not unlike Galtar and the Golden Lance! D: Actually, copyrighted property can be borrowed for use in fiction, as long as the author does not use it for profit reasons, like you four. > Tayid Gilmoran (21) Peter: 0_0 [tries to raise an eyebrow, but has none] Ray: Diyat Naromlig... Winston: ?! Ray: Just seeing if this is another backwards character... > I created this character just as a test for Kerad's inherent >disregard for women. VO Tory: And you say Kerad's somewhat like you? You have a disregard for women? [folds her arms] VO Derek: No, we're not alike in THAT aspect! He hates people, both men and women; we're physically alike, but not mentally! >She was a corsair Peter: The little flower thingy?! Egon: [sighs] >(read: pirate) when she was alive, Peter: Oh, okay. Egon: Idiot. >and uses a thin, adamantite rapier instead of the stereotypical scimitar. I >plan on having her meet with Kerad a few more times, and maybe (maybe) he'll >warm up to her... > Peter: I've already warmed up to her. Ray: And starting to pool on the floor...yech! Winston: That's burned candy! Ray: Oh! Peter: To which I lost my EYEBROWS! *BONK* Ray: SORRY! > Now, following the format of the last interlude, I talk about the >weapons and items. > Ray: As long as it's not the Ripper! Winston: Shush, before you're forced to defend yourself with a .45 again! Ray: Meep! > Ichiji (Foremost) Winston: I thought Ichi was first? > Akuma's axe. Exactly the same as Satsuu, except its kana is green >and reads "Ichiji" instead of "Satsuu." It is made of green adamantite that >glows when light hits it at the right angle. > Peter: I thought it shone when it hit the obtuse angle? Egon: No, that's the acute angle. Peter: Drat! VO Derek: What about the complementary, or opposite interior? What about them? > Stryker > Kerad's old katana. In AD&D terms, Ray: That's Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, for you non-RPG people. Peter: I guess you mean us? Ray: Right! >it's a +2 katana of sharpness. Egon: ? Winston: Don't ponder it, Egon. Your head'll explode. >Kerad can sever opponent's limbs if he's lucky. His other weapon is just a >plain wakizashi. Ray: And a plain wakizashi it is... Peter: You don't even know what a wakizashi is! Ray: [turns red] No. Egon: Its a smaller blade, somewhat like a dagger. Ray: Oh... >Is it just me, or do I have a fixation on Oriental weaponry? Winston: You said it, homeboy, not me! Peter: For a second there I thought he was going to say, 'an or--' ARGH! Egon: DON'T SAY IT! > Ray: This space for rent. Peter: Just like your head. Ray: At least I can do this! [raises his eyebrows in surprise] Peter: Damn you! > Dishonor > Kerad's new katana. In AD&D terms, this one's a +3 katana of >sharpness. Peter: Does it increase his intelligence? Winston: No, I think it just lets him slice and dice as he pleases. >He can hook it pommel-to-pommel with Injustice, his renamed wakizashi, and >create a double-bladed sword like the one used by Darth Maul. > Egon: [winces] Peter: Forget lawsuit, we're heading for an execution! > Is that it? Oh, it isn't, because I have to do the teasers for the >next chapters: Ghostbusters: DEAR GOD, NO! > > Falkyn 23: What's going on between Kerad and Tayid? Peter: From the last chapter? Nothing! >Is there anything between them? Winston: No, Kerad hates women. >What about Falkyn? Ray: What *ABOUT* Falkyn!? Egon: (Raven) What about me? What about Raven!? D: (Edgar Allen Poe) Only that and nothing more. Quote the raven: nevermore. >How's his training going? You'll have to read it to find out! Peter: If this training involves doors, then he's pretty much screwing things up! > > Falkyn 24: Bizarre murders and a dragon enter the mix! What would >push a man to do such a thing? Ray: Do what?! Peter: Have sex with a dragon!? Egon: Why would someone do that?! Winston: Hence, what would push a man to do such a thing! >What does a dragon have to do with all this? I'll say it again: you'll have >to read it to find out! > Ray: If that dragon shows up in a lace teddy, I'm throwing myself into space! VO Derek: Go right ahead, we won't stop you. > Falkyn 25: Kerad plans his revenge on his childhood tormentors. Egon: Damn you kids! So what if I wore glasses, you BASTARDS! [twitches] Winston: You okay, Egon? Egon: I'm fine... [twitches] Peter: Uh... >His method of exacting that revenge is unorthodox, to say the least. Ray: I guess it's safe to say; Kerad's an unorthodox Ewe... Winston: Oh God, that was awful! Egon: That was such a faulty attempt, Raymond. Ray: Gee, sorry. Peter: I hope that ewe has some fleece for eyebrows... >What will Falkyn do about it? Does he even know that Kerad's behind it? Peter: A: Nothing. B: Falkyn's too dumb to know. VO Derek: C: I'll torch Peter and then we watch chapter 25! > > Before I go, I have to leave a few more things: first, the miniseries >I spoke of in the last interlude isn't happening. Egon: All right! Ray: YES! Winston: WAHOOO! Peter: YAY!!! >I haven't put in any time on it, and I don't see what purpose it would >serve. Ray: And for that, I love ya! VO Derek: Ray, watch what you're saying... > > I have used the term /ichor/ instead of blood to describe the fluid >that comes from the dead when they are wounded. Ray: You were right, Egon. Egon: Yes, I know. Peter: What's that swelling sound...oh, it's just Egon's head! Winston: [starts laughing] Egon: Shaddup! [arches his eyebrow at Peter] Peter: Not funny! >According to the "Heritage Illustrated Dictionary," the three definitions of >ichor are: > 1: /Greek Mythology/. The rarefied fluid said to run through the >veins of the gods. > 2: A fluid likened to blood. > 3: /Pathology/. A watery, acrid discharge from a wound or ulcer. > From the Greek /ikhor/. > For the purposes of this story, I am using the second definition. > Winston: Thank you for that clarification, Webster. > Also, only chapter 1 has gone to Shinji's Vault of Anime Mistings, Egon: Really?! Peter: Wow, we've been posted! >but all the chapters written will be MSTed by me and Tory (whose e-mail >address has changed to tory_brown@yahoo.com), Ray: Really? [scribbles madly on a piece of paper.] >and posted at http://bigsun.wbs.net/homepages/f/a/l/falkyn_/. Egon: Or http://homepages.go.com/~falkyn_ Winston: Someone paid you, didn't they? Egon: No, Tory promised that she would keep me lightning bolt free. VO Tory: Yes, but I didn't say FIREBALL FREE!!! CHOU HADOKEN!! Egon: AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!! [Winston hoses Egon down with the extinguisher] Ray: That shows you: never strike deals with those in power. Peter: Hey, we look like twins: no eyebrows! Egon: Argh! > Finally, I doubt I'll kill off Falkyn anytime soon. His soul will >travel to the Beastlands when he does, but his life will be long and >arduous. > Winston: SHADDUP! *BONK* Peter: ITAI! > Well, until next time (if there is a next time)... Egon: Muhahahahahahahar! Peter: The hell you laughing for? We don't have eyebrows! Egon: Dang... Ray: Its over! All: HUZZAH!! [They stand up and exit the theatre] [Door Sequence: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] [Deep 13] Tory: Oh look, they're done! Derek: Let the humilation begin! [VoFF] Peter: Damn, we don't get a chance to rest!? Egon: Can I at least put some aloe vera on these burns!? [Deep 13] Derek: You burned his *eyebrows*?! Tory: So, I need to work on my aim a bit. [VoFF] Winston: Let's get it over with...D, cue the music! [D presses a button and a blue screen comes down and music from 'Martial Law' begins to play] [First Ray poses in what he thinks is a Kung Fu pose as his name flies across the background] Ray: Someone shoot me! [Then Winston imitates Ray, looking slightly less silly.] Winston: I don't know which was worse: That last ending, or this! [Peter tries to cock his eyebrow, but realizes again, he has none.] Peter: Dammit! [Egon goes to pose but just stops] D: [record scratching] Egon: I refuse to do this, it's beneath me! [Egon simply stalks off the stage.] [Deep 13] Tory: I know the hell he just didn't walk off the stage! Derek: I think we have to go have a little discussion with Dr. Spengler... [VoFF] D: This is going to get very nasty very quickly. Peter: I'll go get the first aid kit. Winston: Egon's gonna need second and third aid! Ray: Oh, boy! [Ray hits the button as Derek and Tory appear] [ FWOOOOOOOOOSH! ] \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ [Screen goes dark, voices are overheard] "Who told you to leave?" "I left because I felt silly!" "I think it's better to feel silly than dead!" "EEP!" "ASOBI WA, OWARI DA, SHI-NE!!!" "RYUJIN SATSU KEN!" "What the hell does that---ARGUH!" "I don't know, but it hurts, don't it!" "GRAAAH!" "MY EYEBROWS!!" "Sorry, Ray, Winston!" "I'm glad that I do not have eyebrows, Tory probably would have burned them off also!!" "D, SHADDUP!" "Complying..." *CLICK* ________________________________________________________________________ "Falkyn, Chapter 22" by: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) SHAMELESS PLUGS: You can find the rest of Falkyn the MSTing at: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com/Falkyn Tory's Real Ghostbusters Webpage: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com Komera Waddi's RPG and Interactive Stories: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Stadium/4989/ EMAIL US! Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) _________________________________________________________________________ >What does a dragon have to do with all this? I'll say it again: you'll have >to read it to find out! > Ray: If that dragon shows up in a lace teddy, I'm throwing myself into space! VO Derek: Go right ahead, we won't stop you.