Fan-Fiction Theater 3000 EPISODE: 021 -- Sugar Ray Stantz Today's Victim: Falkyn -- Chapter 21 by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) MSTed by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) and Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: The Real Ghostbusters are owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains inc., and we hope they don't mind us using their characters and settings. FFT3K Theme Song [cue MST3k track] In the not-too-distant future way out and deep in space A mysterious android, name is D, Is in a dark and lonely place Stuck up on SoL, all alone, Why not do an E.T. and grab a phone? He ran some tests until some me-te-ors Made the satellite home for the Ghost-bust-ers... (Peter: "IT'S RAY'S FAULT!!!") (Ray: "IS NOT!") "I'm reading cheesy fanfics, The worst, I can find,(LA LA LA) We'll have to sit and read them all, Or you'll gradually lose your mind!" (LA LA LA) Now keep in mind, the 'busters can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (LA LA LA) D'll try to keep the sanity Of his newfound 'busting friends! GB Roll Call! Spengler! (We're on!) Zeddemore! (Oh, man!) Ray Stantz! (Check this out...HAI-KEEBA!) Venkmaaaaaan! (Hey, baby!) If you're wonderin' how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST," And you should really just relax. For Fan Fiction Theater, 3000! [Guitar twang] Peter: It should be The Real Ghostbusters 3000! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! [D retracts the Rocket Fist] STARRING: Spengler, Egon, Dr. 6'3" Blond hair, blue eyes (which happen to be myopic, hence the red glasses) A genius with an exaggerated I.Q. Contains multiple degrees in the field of parapsychology and physics. He is responsible for the creation of the proton packs and the ecto-containment unit. Stantz, Ray, Dr. 5'8" Red hair, brown eyes The youngest member of the group, second to Egon in holding multiple degrees. He specializes in engineering and occult sciences. Egon once said he had the mental state of a six year old. Venkman, Peter, Dr. 5'10" Dk. Brown hair, green eyes All-around idiot (no kidding, Peter: HEY!) Amazingly, he has two Ph.D's, one in psychology and the other in parapsychology. He's actually smarter than he pretends to be. Most trouble they're in, is because of Peter. Zeddemore, Winston, Dr. 5'11" Black hair, brown eyes The only member of the group who doesn't have a Ph.D, he earned his 'Dr' title as an honorary member of Columbia University. The only member of the group who has common sense (Winston: Damn straight!). D 6'0" No hair, yellow eyes A Model 27 High-Density Productivity Android that took residence at the abandoned Satellite of Love. How or why he's there, no one knows. Looks like a cross between Adam of Shining Force and Data from ST: TNG. * * * * [On the VoFF, the ex-Satellite of Love] Ray Stantz was bored. Not the kind of boredom where you can find something else to do. No, I mean the kind of boredom where you're just stuck in space with nothing to alleviate it. That's the kind of boredom that was driving Ray Stantz to do the unthinkable. He was going to pester someone. He moseyed down the hallway to the quarters he shared with his friends; Egon Spengler, Peter Venkman and Winston Zeddemore. To be sure he would be a pest, he downed a box of twinkies and hoped that the sugar kicked in when he needed it. Peter warned him not to have too many sweets, but he had to do *something*. If he wasn't careful, he'd wind up like Egon, pent up all day hiding in the holocabana. Stopping at the quarters door, he entered with a grin on his face. Just as he planned, the sugar was starting to kick in and he felt hyper as hell. "Hi guys!" he yelled as entered the room. He startled Winston and Peter nearly fell from his bed in fright. "Could you turn the decibels down, please!" Winston growled. "Sorry. So, what are you two up to?" Ray asked, slowly making his way towards Peter's bed. Peter stared at the man he knew as Ray. The bug eyed expression and the cat like movements only meant one thing: Sugar Rush! "Damn, he's on sugar! RUN FOR IT!" Peter screamed. "AHHHH!" Winston screamed, stampeding away with Peter. "Rats, they figured it out!" he pouted. Well, there was still Egon, who was in the holocabana probably running more experiments. * * * * * Egon carefully filled one beaker with an illuminated blue liquid. "Steady, Egon. This chemical is highly volatile." Seconds later, the holocabana doors opened and a grinning Ray appeared. "Hi, Egon!" Ray yelled, feeling his sugar rush growing with each passing second. "Raymond, please! I'm busy with a highly volatile chemical!" "Sorry! I'll just watch!" Ray yelled again. Egon cringed, Ray's voice was starting to drive him nuts. He turned to give the younger man a severe talking to, when he noticed the wild eyed stare and the trembling of his extremities. Sugar Rush! "Computer. Save EgonSpengler-Experiment343." Once saved, Egon slowly lurked past the jumpy man and ran down the hallway. "Dang, I guess he knows, too!" Ray pouted. Suddenly he started jumping up and down for no reason. "Gotta get rid of this energy somehow!" * * * * * Egon ran to the bridge as if his life depended on it. As he looked back to see if Ray was following, he slammed into someone, knocking them both to bridge's metal floor. "Watch where y--oh, you saw sugar boy, too?" Peter asked, rubbing his sore nose. "I bet he ate my twinkies!" Egon sputtered in anger. Now they had to sit and wait for the sugar to slowly work its way through Ray's system. "You talk as if this is a bad thing," Zeddemore said, peering over the bridge's table into the hallway. "He once got so high on sugar in college, we had to hose him down!" Peter replied, checking the hallway also. The android, D, who was checking various desktop stations, noticed the klaxon light flashing. "I believe we have Movie Sign!" "Crap, no! Not while he's hopped up on sugar!" Peter cried. "If we don't move all the oxygen will be sucked out," D replied calmly. "I have yet to find a way to disable that security system. "Let's go..." Egon signed, resigning himself. "YEAH! LET'S DO IT!!" Ray screamed, suddenly appearing and charging past. Whooping loudly, he ran into the theatre and started jumping up and down again. [Door sequence] [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] [They trail in and sit down] > Falkyn -- Chapter 21 > By: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) > >________________________________________________________ > Ray: OOOH! Pixie sticks! Peter! Can I have a pixie stick?! Peter: No, now shut up! [Ray starts jumping up and down again] Egon: SIT DOWN! Ray: WAAAAA! Winston: Can't I have a sick day!? > Thanatos solemnly sat upon the Throne of the Dead in Tartarus, chin >resting on his index finger and thumb, elbow on his knee, watching a viewing >sphere. Winston: If he stared hard enough, he could see the Playboy channel. Peter: You know, they only scramble the channel halfway. [wriggles his eyebrows] > Within the sphere was Falkyn, oblivious to the fact he was being >watched. Falkyn was practicing with his katana, as if reacting to an >imaginary opponent. Egon: Of course he was oblivious, he's being watched secretly! ARGH! Ray: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Peter: *BONK* Ray: ITAI, ITAI! > "How does he do it?" Thanatos asked himself. "I taught him my >skills, but he has more spirit, more power." Winston: Because, he's ALIVE. You are DEAD. Last time I checked, dead people didn't have "spirit"! > "Even with two weapons," Kerad, his right-hand, said, "we fought to a >stalemate. I must find a way to defeat him." Peter: Try a pistol. Ray: GO FOR THE RIPPER! Egon: One more comment at such high decibel, and I shall chain you to the ceiling! Ray: Sorry. > Thanatos wasn't listening. His gaze was locked on the orb. Peter: My gaze would be locked on a pair of orbs too. Egon: We haven't been here ten minutes, and you're already going hentai. *BONK* Peter: Ouch! Winston: Anything more than a handful is a waste. Egon: WINSTON! Winston: [slaps his forehead] God, help me! Peter: *BONK* Winston: OUCH! I deserved that. Peter: If I can't be hentai, no one will! D: I can comply with that. >"His fighting style is much different than what I taught him. He must have >been trained by another; I must find him." Winston: Whoa, are we thinking now?! Egon: It would seem so! > "What makes you so sure another trained him, my lord?" Winston: IDIOT! Fighting style is like a fingerprint! So if Falkyn's fighting different, then another person taught him! Egon: All this stupidity is making my head hurt. Peter: Watching Ray jump up and down is making my head hurt. > Thanatos snapped out of his trance. D: TTTTHHHHWWWWWAAAAANNNNNGGGG Ray: Need another guitar string there...nee-nee-nephew! >"Kerad, I want you to find the man who trained Falkyn in his new style." VO Tory: What makes you think it was a man?!!? Winston: Can't argue there. Egon: True. Peter: I wouldn't mind a woman 'teaching' me. VO Tory: The stupid can't be taught. Ray: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Egon: That's it! [whips out a set of chains] D, give me a hand! D: Yes, Dr. Spengler. [D and Egon chain a hyper Ray to the ceiling.] Ray: GET ME DOWN! Peter: NO! Egon: D, put a gag on him! D: As you wish. Ray: MRMGHRHGH!! > "My lord, I asked you what makes you so sure he has been trained by >someone other than you?" > "Are you questioning my judgement?" Winston: I say he is; fry him! > Kerad made no reply. After a long period of silence, he finally >said, Peter: (Kerad) I can't...drive....stick! > "Lord, we must wait until he's not expecting us. When he lets his >guard down, that's the time to strike." Egon: Considering that fighting is Falkyn's life, he won't ever let his guard down. Winston: We sound like we're supporting Falkyn! Egon: Well, the other two are complete idiots compared to him. Peter: You're right about that. >He put his hand on the pommel of his wakizashi "Injustice" and held his head >high. "Rest assured, when I fight him, I will defeat him, and his body will >be yours." Peter: (Thanatos) Make sure you bathe it first! Egon: (Kerad) With jasmine flowers!? Peter: (Thanatos) Ecchi! > Thanatos returned to watching the sphere. His cracked, decaying face >contorted into an evil grin. Winston: HARF! Peter: I shouldn't have had that gravy...BARF! >"It is inevitable, Kerad. He will be mine. Peter: He sounds like a stalker! Egon: (Kerad) YoU wIlL bE mInE! Winston: (Falkyn) No! YoU wIlL *bE* mInE! Egon: (Kerad) AAH!!!!! >Continue your training in your new style, it will be very important to be at >your peak if you hope to win." Peter: (Beavis) heheh...he said peak! > Kerad bowed and left, hand on the pommel of Injustice. > Peter: (Teacher) Now remember this, for it will be on the test! Egon: (Dumb Student) Pommel of Injustice...okay, got it! Peter: (Teacher) Now, what did Kerad just do? Egon: (Dumb Student) Uh, left with his hand on the handle of Discordia?! Peter: (Teacher) *BZZZ* Wrong! *BONK* Egon: (Dumb Student) ITAI! Winston: Where did that come from? Egon: [shrugs] I have no idea. > Drawing both Injustice and Dishonor, his new katana, Kerad put them >pommel to pommel and locked them together, creating a double-bladed weapon. Winston: Darth Maul-Sith, anyone! Peter: Don't mention that name! George Lucas'll sue us! Egon: You can't even mention anything from youknowwho's movies, without paying the copyright fees! Winston: OH! Ok, how about...uh...Galtar and the Golden Lance, anyone!? Peter: Better! [looks around suspicously] Ray: MRHGRHGH! Egon: D? D: Right away. *KBANG!* Ray: [passes out] >His opponent was a long-dead evil warrior, wielding a wicked-looking >serrated scimitar, five feet in length and weighing ten pounds. Peter: Wicked cool, totally tubular! Winston: Ugh! > "Prepare yourself, Belar," Kerad said, "you might lose again." > "No, I won't," Belar returned. "I'll smash you like a pathetic bug." Egon: Belar must really suck, since he crushes pathetic bugs. Peter: The wimp! >He attacked. Ghostbusters: [VERY deadpan] Whoopie. >A strong overhead swipe was blocked with Dishonor's blade, and Kerad >followed it up by pushing the scimitar upward and slicing across Belar's >chest, spewing black ichor. All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION! Peter: MASTE--ARGH! Egon: Just say it and get it over with. Peter: Alright. MASTER NINJA THEME SONG! Winston: Feel better? [short pause] Peter: No. > "Like I said," Kerad told him, "you might lose." He looked up from >the twice-dead Belar. "Next." > Some minor followers of Thanatos dragged the body away to be renewed, >and another combatant stepped in. She was attractive, to say the least, but >Kerad only cared if she was a worthy opponent. Her fiery reddish-blonde >hair cascaded down to the small of her back, and she looked at Kerad with an >approving eye. She brandished a rapier and held it before her. Egon: Wow... Winston: Nice hair! Peter: 0_0 > Kerad held his double-sword in front of him horizontally, eyes >burning with a desire to fight. "Show me what you have." Peter: No, show me!!! PLEASE! Egon: Calm yourself! Winston: Sheesh! > "I'll show you everything," she said seductively. Peter: REALLY?!?! Egon: PETER! Winston: Egon, she is going to show *everything*! Egon: Oh, in that case...TAKE IT ALL OFF! [Everyone stares at Egon] Egon: oops..PETER! THWAP Peter: OUCH! > Twisting his double-sword vertically, Kerad snapped, "I don't have >time for your carnal desires. Now fight!" Peter: I DO! I DO! Winston: Don't you always!? Peter: Well, yeah...but think about it...she's gonna show *everything*! > His slash came in quick to her side. Reacting quickly, she blocked >and returned with a thrust for his throat. Peter: She's thrusting at his throat!? Oh my! *THUD* Winston: I don't think it's that type of thrusting. Egon: Hentai freak. *THWAP* Peter: OUCHIE! >Faster than imagined, Kerad knocked the rapier away and alternated strokes >aimed for her left and right temples, which she blocked every time. > Egon: I wouldn't block... Winston: And you'd be decapitated. D: Or your brain would be minced thoroughly Egon: Yeah, but I'd die with a smile on my face. Winston: EGON, HENTAI! Egon: Sorry! > Every swing, every slash, every thrust was blocked or deflected. >Ten minutes of this passed, and the only thing they drew was sweat. Egon: I'd be sweating too. > Finally, their blades crossed, their faces were mere centimetres away >from each other. Peter: Hmm, these scenes ALWAYS leads to nudity. I don't care about Kerad, who is Derek backwards, just have her strip! Egon: EWWWW! So if Kerad gets nude, it's actually Derek!? Winston: AHHHHH! D: IAI! Ray: MRRRRGGHH!!! > "You're good," Kerad said. "I haven't fought anyone with your skill >before." Peter: [chuckling] Just change Fight to BLEEP..... Winston: Whoa! Egon: [sighs] > She smiled lightly. "I'll show you even more later." Winston: Dear God! There's more?! Egon: What more can she bear!? Peter: I don't know, but I'd like to see! > "Do you always think about sex?" Egon: Um, no. Winston: Nuh-uh. Peter: I CAN'T HELP I--Uh, no! Winston: Liar liar, pants on fire. Egon: His pants are always on fire, why do you think he's the hentai freak! Peter: HEY! > "What else is there to think about?" Peter: EXAC--er, Science! Egon: [cracks up laughing] Now that's a classic. Winston: Aren't you the one who said Egon needs to embrace the freak within? Peter: I embrace my freak, just not in front of everyone! D: EWW! > "How about what you'll do about this?" > Kerad snapped his weapons apart and thrust Injustice for the woman's >abdomen. Peter: Yeah, sure. I believe that. [makes a big show of winking] Winston: Peter, you're about as subtle as a mack truck. Peter: Thank you! Egon: Subtly isn't one of Peter's strong points. Peter: As if Tact is one of yours. Winston: Ooooh, cat fight! Both: Shut up, Winston! > In the space of a millisecond, she switched her rapier's position >from crossed with Dishonor to blocking Injustice. Peter: 0_0 Egon: [covers his eyes and groans] > Putting his weapons together again, Kerad continued his attack. He >spun on his heel and slashed sideways, but his attack was blocked. >Recovering fast, Kerad jammed the other blade backward. Again, a swift >deflection. As the lower blade went down, Kerad flipped it so that the >upper blade blocked her next swing. All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION! Winston: Aw hell, I'll say it. MASTER NINJA THEME SONG! Egon: Well? Winston: Peter was right, that is sucky. Peter: SEE! Ray: MRHGRHGHRHRH! > Thanatos entered the arena just as Kerad leaped over his opponent's >head and twisted so he faced her. His double-sword came down fast, but the >rapier came in equally fast to block. > "How long have you been at this?" Thanatos asked of his right-hand. > Kerad stepped back. "At least twenty minutes, my lord." Peter: Now *THAT'S* stamina! Egon: No, stamina is going for an hour. Winston: EGON! Egon: Well, it's true! Winston: EWW! Egon: NOT THAT! > "You have trained long enough for today." Peter: (Kerad) You've said it! I don't think I--HEY! Egon: Just shut up! [The yellow break light starts to flash] Peter: BREAK TIME! Egon: D, grab Ray and bring him with you to the bridge. D: Affirmative. [They exit the theatre. D drags Ray behind him] [Door Sequence 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] [Bridge of the VoFF] D: My Master is calling from Deep 13. [D goes to the communications screen and hits the red button] [Deep 13] Derek: Howdy, boobies! Tory: Enjoying the story? [VoFF] Egon: Well... Peter: It's a lot calmer now that we've got sugar boy tied up! [Deep 13] Tory: I knew he shouldn't have eaten those twinkies! [VoFF] Egon: [gasps] You DID eat my twinkies! IDIOT! *THWAP* Ray: MOUCH!! [Deep 13] Derek: Well, you know the drill. Get to the skit! [VoFF] Peter; Aye, aye! [D drags Ray to the side while the remaining Ghostbusters runs off the bridge] [Peter enters first, wearing a mock suit. Egon and Winston appear dressed as Kerad and Falkyn.] Peter: Welcome to Crapaody! I'm your host Alex Crapbeck! Egon & Winston: Hi, Alex! Peter: Welcome, Falkyn and Kerad. Today's players are stars of the series, "Falkyn." Please tell us about yourselves. You go first, Falkyn. Winston: Duh, Hi, Alex! Peter: You've already said that! Winston: Oh, my name's Falkyn. At least, that's what I think it is. Then again, I really don't think. I have problems with females, whenever I see one I scream! [Peter flashes a picture of Goldie Hawn] Winston: A WOMAN?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Egon: [winces] Winston: [calms down] Anyway...uh...that's it. Peter: Ok, Kerad? Egon: [dark expression] My name's Kerad...I HATE humans!!! Peter: Anything else? Egon: SHADDUP! Ya bloody HUMAN! Peter: [rolls his eyes] Okay... [Peter rifles through some note cards] Peter: First category: Households. Winston: Give me $200, Alex. Peter: The answer is: A door. [Winston quickly rings in] Winston: What is: You bash this open! Egon: Lord love a duck. Shut up, you spoony idiot! Winston: ASOBI WA, OWARI DA! SHI-NE! KUYAKOHADOREUKENCHINZOI DANDU! Egon: AAH! [The set near Egon and Winston explodes in a cloud of dust] Peter: Well, there go two more players. Tune in next week when Kancy Nerrigan gets a chance to whack away on Hanya Tarding! Egon: And there you have it. [Deep 13] Tory: [wiping tears from her eyes] Oh...God...that was funny! Derek: Falkyn is a little dense, but he's not an idiot! [VoFF] Peter: Says you! Egon: Oh-no! [Deep 13] [Thunder echos throughout the lab] Tory: YIPE! [ducks under the lab table] Derek: GET BACK TO THE 'FIC BEFORE I MAKE KIBBLE OUT OF YOU ALL! [VoFF] D: Even me? Peter: Considering that I've pissed him off, you'd get included too! D: IAI!!!! My master would do no such thing! Egon: More like metallic Kibble for D! [They run back into the theatre] [Door Sequence: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] Egon: Just had to piss him off, didn't you! Peter: I didn't mean to! Winston: Yeah right, whatever! > Kerad pulled his swords apart and sheathed them. The woman put her >rapier back in its scabbard and proceeded to leave. Before she left, she >looked at Kerad and gave him a sly wink. Peter: Ooooooooooo! > Shaking his head, Kerad said, "She is some kind of houri, my lord. I >had to tell her that I was to fight her, not make love to her." Peter: Some women don't take no for an answer. Egon: And it's usually those HOuri... Winston: [starts laughing] > Thanatos looked to the receding form of the woman. "She was a >corsair when she was alive. Her name is Tayid. Peter: She was one of those things you put on girls' wrists at prom!? Egon: [groans] Idiot, a corsair is a pirate! >She was a ruthless pirate, attacking and destroying whatever ships she >desired." Winston: I just bet she 'desired' a lot... Egon: Kind of borderline hentai there. Winston: WAS NOT! > "A rapier instead of a scimitar," Kerad announced. "I expected that >thin blade to snap as soon as I hit it. What is it made of, adamantite?" Winston: Wouldn't Wolverine be pissed!? D: Adamantite, not adamantium. Adamantite is a fantasy metal, while adamantium is from the Marvel universe. There is a difference. Ray: MRGOPH! > "I's blade is pure adamantite, the handle is steel, and the guard is >an alloy of both. She was a match for you, I expect?" Peter: She's a match alright, she sets me on fire! VO Tory: I can do that, too! Peter: NO--*KABOOM* Egon: Pee-U! Human flesh does not smell good cooking! > "Are you trying to set me up with her? Because if you are, I am not >going along with this!" Egon: Even if she was going to show *everything*? Even I'm not that strong! Winston: I'm going to let that slide... Peter: You think Ray's okay now? Egon: Sure, untie him. [Peter unties Ray] Ray: Thank goodness! > Thanatos put his decayed hand on Kerad's shoulder. "I wouldn't even >think of that. I know better than to try a stunt like setting you up with a >corsair." Peter: A prom thing!?!? Egon: That's old. Peter: Yeah, but it's funny! > "If you had, I would destroy her." Peter: (Kerad) I'd have my fun first and THEN destroy her...yeah that's it... > Thanatos shook in silent laughter. "I like the way you think: >nothing gets between you and your goal of killing Falkyn." > "Of course, my lord. Nobody is greater than I." > "Watch what you say, Kerad, for your pride may be your downfall." Egon: FORESHADOWING! Winston: Break out the sunblock! > Kerad bowed his head. "I shall resume my training." He turned to >one of the attendants. "Bring in the next test." > Peter: (Kerad) Microphysics?! ARGH! D: If he is anything like my master, microphysics would be too easy for him. > In under an hour, Kerad had dispatched three humans, two half-orcs, >and a drow with an attitude problem. Ray: I guess the others went to their deaths happily?! > "Tayid was the only real challenge," Kerad said. He wiped the blood >off his blades and continued. "Bring her in." Peter: --naked! Ray: *BONK* Peter: ITAI! > The fiery-haired corsair entered the blood-soaked arena, rapier at >her side, and a sultry look on her face. "Want to go another round?" Ray: Good night, mother! 0_0 Peter: I'll go all night! Egon: [whistles] Winston: D, nail them! D: AFFIRMATIVE! *KBANG* *KBANG* *KBANG* Others: OOOOOF! D: Muhahahaar! *KBANG* Winston: OUCH! D! D: Sorry, got a bit carried away. > "I don't care for your desires. All I want is to become a greater >fighter, so I can destroy Falkyn!" Peter: Then you gotta beat her first! > Holding her rapier in front of her, Tayid told him, "Big dreams, huh? Ray: (Tayid) Too bad it doesn't manifest itself in your physical make up! Peter: O_o *THUD* Winston: @.@ *THUD* Egon: RAY! Ray: What the hey did I just say!? [covers his face] Oh, God! (*^_^*) >I heard Falkyn's supposed to be invicible." Winston: [singing] Cuz he's a brick....house... Peter: [singing] Mighty mighty...just letting it all hang out...OWWW! Egon: EWWWW! Ray: HARF! Winston: That was a bit hentai. > "He may seem like it, but I will defeat him! Defend yourself!" > Tayid almost reacted too slow, but managed to catch enough of Kerad's >attack to stop him from impaling her. She pushed the blade away and struck, >but Kerad twisted his weapon to intercept the attack. The ineria of his >swing carried both weapons to his left, giving him a wide region in which to >strike. As he did so, Tayid shifted her weapon free of Kerad's and parried, >sparks flying from the impact. All: HEAVY SWORDPLAY ACTION! Ray: MASTER CLAYMORE THEME SONG! Winston: Claymore?! Egon: A claymore is a large polearm type weapon. Two handed-- Peter: 0_0! Ray: Wait, Egon. I got it. *BONK* Peter: ITAI! Egon: Like I said, it's a two handed sword. D: The claymore is approximately five to six feet long, tapering from five inches at the guard to a point. Well then, back to the 'fic. > Swords crossed, both Kerad and Tayid were pushing against each >other's weapon. Kerad, backed by unholy power, didn't have the strength to >knock the rapier away. VO Satan: What? Unholy power?! I don't know who this kid is! VO Tory: Not now, Satan! VO Satan: Sorry! >"I have been training for a month, and all my opponents went down in barely >a minute; you have lasted the longest of them all. Ray: (Tayid) I'm drinking milk! >Lord Thanatos himself had to stop the fight." He stopped pushing and >flipped backward, away from the point of the rapier, and held his dual-sword >vertically. "Let's see if you can handle this!" Peter: (Tayid) Watch me! With two hands, no doubt! Ray: Oh, my! Egon: PETER! > "No, let's see if you can handle this... Corsair Crash!" > Kerad pondered what she meant for a second, then snapped back into >reality to see Tayid in midair, coming down rapier-point first, aiming for >his chest. Ray: Seera Korusairu!! Peter: ARRRGHH! Ray: SORRY! >Nonchalantly, Kerad deflected the sword and threw Tayid to the ground. >"Unimpressive." He began spinning his dual-sword. "Kaen Senpuu Ken!" >(Flaming Whirlwind Sword) [Egon starts to bounce in his seat] Winston: Oh, go ahead and say it, Egon. Egon: [jumps up] TATSUMAKISENPUKYAKU!!! Peter: Just like that impending doom crap... >Sparks appeared at the tips of his swords, then they erupted into black >flames. Soon, a circle of whirling fire surrounded the young man. "Kurae!" >(Eat this!) He flipped his wrist and the spinning fire wheel surged forward. Peter: Chew on this! Ray: [singing] What goes up...must come down... Winston: That was so way off base, Ray! Ray: Thank you! Egon: Obscurity...Ho! > Tayid stood frozen to the spot, then threw herself to the ground at >the last second, allowing the black flame to whirl overhead and dissipate. > "Almost impressive. Next time, don't announce the Corsair Crash. It >leaves you open for so many attacks." Peter: Close Attacks of the Thrusting Kind! Egon: That's IT! D, DO IT! D: Yes, sir! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! > Standing up again, Tayid brushed herself off and gathered her rapier. >"I'm not taking advice from you." Winston: (Tayid) Last time I did, I wound up wearing a short skirt! Ray: AHH! > "Do you know who you're talking to?" Peter: Do I look like I care!? > "Thanatos's lapdog, who else?" Egon: Heavy on the lap, too... D: Egon... [pounds his palm] > In a flash she was backed against a wall with the blade of Dishonor >at her throat, threatening to slit it. > "You will never call me his lapdog," Kerad ordered. "I serve him >with loyalty and obedience. Egon: Ergo, you are a lapdog...idiot! >He gave me the power I possess; it is only the honorable thing to do. You >wouldn't know a thing about honor, you savage pirate. Ray: (Tayid) [dons eyepatch] Arrr, matey! >You take what you want from who you want to take it from. I await the day >when I see a humanoid perform an act of valor and selflessness. Until then, >all humanoid races are cowards." Winston: (Tayid) You are a bipedal creature...so you're a coward, too! > "How about I perform an act of selflessness?" Tayid offered. "I'll >give myself to you." Peter: 0_0 *thud* Egon: Whoa...talk about peace on Earth... Winston: EGON! > Dishonor bit lightly into the flesh of her throat. The warm ichor >dribbled from the wound onto the reflecting metal of the unholy blade. Egon: (Blade) I got your unholy right here...motha-- Winston: EGON! Dammit, I'm tired of yelling at you! *BONK* Egon: YEEOUCH! > "I may be a servant of Thanatos," Kerad told her as a look of sheer >anger crossed his visage, "but I still have scruples. I took a vow of >celibacy when I was mortal, and I intend to keep it that way." Peter: The prostitutes at the bar laughed at him. His nickname was Tiny Tim! Ray: Whoa! > Tayid looked genuinely hurt. "You mean you won't sleep with me?" Peter: Oh my! *THUD* > "NEVER!" He withdrew the blade from against her throat. "Did you >not hear what I said?" > "So? Being celibate only means you won't get married." Winston: Not that bright, is she!? Ray: She is dead... > Kerad pointed the blade at her threateningly. Egon: As opposed to pointing it at her happily... > "I still have my >morals. I won't do it." He snapped the weapons apart and sheathed them. Winston: Before you even say anything! He sheathed the SWORDS! Peter: Drat! >As he walked away, he stopped and looked over his left shoulder. "Never." >He continued out of the arena to talk to Thanatos. > Winston: He knows that he wants her. Egon: Unless he's wearing a chasity belt. Ray: Wouldn't that cause pain? Peter: Exactly! [They squirm umcomfortably in their seats] > "My lord, I respectfuly request that Tayid be removed from Tartarus >to another plane." Peter: (Kerad) I can't look at her in those pink pants no more! > "What did you have in mind?" Winston: (Kerad) I could say, but there are children reading this. > "The Abyss, the Nine Hells, Hades... send her to Gehenna, for all I >care! Just keep her away from me!" Peter: But close enough for a sniff... Egon: Peter, that was utterly disgusting! > Thanatos raised his eyebrow and a flake of skin fell off. Blowing it >away, he asked, "What is it about her that concerns you?" Ray: (Kerad) Should I take her to dinner first and then seduce her? Or just get it all out the way!? > "My lord, she is trying to seduce me. I have resisted her long >enough, and I doubt I can take any more of her advances." Peter: Yeah, I knew you weren't that strong! > Thanatos stood from the Throne of the Dead, dust falling off the >shoulders of his cloak. "My boy, you must learn the intricacies of chaos >and evilness. You take what you want when you want, and from whoever may >possess it at the time." Winston: I hope he's not suggesting rape. YOU FREAK! D: Unfortunately, he is. It is the way of evil, Winston. > "Persmission to be frank, my lord?" D: (Henry Blake) Go ahead, Frank. Ray: He's really Kerad... > "Granted." > Kerad put his hand on the pommel of Injustice. "My lord, I have >morals that I abide by, and I swore never to break them. I do not embrace >chaos, but at the same time, I do not dismiss it. Before I became your >aide, I was neutral in most aspects, but I despised the humanoid races for >their inherent selfishness and cowardice. Peter: Kerad's your regular sheet wearing humanoid hater! >I never liked women before, and I still don't. Ray: He likes men? Winston: Checkers87'll have a field day with this character! Egon: Shaddup, before one of us wind up sleeping with him in BSSG Pt. 4! Peter: AHHHHH! Egon: And knowing him, it'll be me! ARGH! D: You have sorely misinterpreted him: he is a loner, not gay. Peter: We didn't say he was, but Checkers87 might think that way! > The humans have a saying, 'soul mates.' I will never find mine, even >if I have one. Of course, she'll find some musclebound lug who doesn't know >the first thing about honor and loyalty." He took a moment to scoff. "He'd >be messing around with the first pretty girl he sees after a few weeks." Winston: (Thanatos) I admire your optimism...really..I do... > Thanatos merely nodded. "I see your point, Kerad. Peter: (Thanatos) Now put it away, there are dead children about! Winston: (Kerad) AAH! >Your willpower is astounding. In fact, you are the only humanoid I have met >who has willingly become my general without asking for some kind of tangible >reward. Ray: I like tangerines. Peter: Ray, cut the retard act now! Ray: Sorry! >Let me remind you I have existed since the beginning of time." Egon: Thanatos is so old that when God said, 'Let there be light!' Thanatos hit the switch! Winston: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!! D: [Improv club patrons] "Get off the stage!" "Kill him!" "Boo!" > "I know, my lord. Like I said, I have morals that I abide by. Greed >is not something I am familiar with. Are there any other, _competent_, >fighting souls I can spar with, besides her?" Peter: (Thanatos) Competent: no; Horny: yes! Egon: (Kerad) Dangit! Peter: (Thanatos) Like ME! Egon: (Kerad) DEAR GOD, NO! AAAH! > Thanatos put his skeletal hand on his decaying chin. "Hmmm... No, he >was killed by a paladin... Ray: Was it Sturm Brightblade?! Winston: And there was our shameless plug for the day. >Not him, he couldn't wield a sword if his afterlife depended on it... I'd >drink holy water before I'd let him fight... VO Satan: Man, he must really *suck* VO Tory: SATAN! VO Satan: Alright, I'm shutting up. >He chopped his own head off with his axe..." Egon: What!? Peter: BWAHAHAHAHA! Winston: What kind of idiot does THAT!? > "My lord? Are you telling me she's the only one who can actually >fight?" Kerad slapped his hand across his eyes. "And they let those >pathetic souls into Tartarus? Egon: (Hades) HEY! Being the lord of the underworld is a hard job! You see how happy you'd be after dealing with retards for centuries! >They should have been sent to some other, good aligned plane, where they'd >be welcomed as equals, not thrown in here in hopes that they'd never be >heard of again!" He started back to the arena. Ray: (Thanatos) As if I care what you think. Egon: (Kerad) I can think? Ray: (Thanatos) Ugh! >"If Tayid asks, I'm nowhere she'd ever look." Egon: In someone's eyes!? Winston: The library!? Ray: At school!? Peter: The condom section in the store!? Others: EWWWWWW! D: It's over! All: HUZZAH! [They stand up and exit] [Door Sequence: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] Egon: Man, that story was...different... Winston: Definitely different! Peter: Tayid was *nice* looking. Ray: What, she's not a hottie?! Peter: Yeah...but...*wow*... Egon: Oh well, good night everyone! [Egon pushes the button] [ FWOOOOOOOOOSH! ] \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ [The screen grows dark and voices are overheard] "Egon?" "Yes, Ray?" "You chained me up earlier, right?" "It was for your own safety..." "And ours..." "D, GET THEM!" "Right away, Dr. Stantz." *KBANG* *KBANG* *KBANG* "YEEEOUCH!" "OOOFFF!" "OUCHIE!!!" "Teach you to chain me up!" ________________________________________________________________________ "Falkyn, Chapter 21" by: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) SHAMELESS PLUGS: You can find the rest of Falkyn the MSTing at: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com/Falkyn Tory's Real Ghostbusters Webpage: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com Komera Waddi's RPG and Interactive Stories: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Stadium/4989/ EMAIL US! Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) _________________________________________________________________________ > "What makes you so sure another trained him, my lord?" Winston: IDIOT! Fighting style is like a fingerprint! So if Falkyn's fighting different, then another person taught him! Egon: All this stupidity is making my head hurt. Peter: Watching Ray jump up and down is making my head hurt.