Fan-Fiction Theater 3000 EPISODE: 013 -- My Fangy Fiend. Today's Victim: Falkyn -- Chapter 13 by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) MSTed by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) and Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: The Real Ghostbusters are owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains inc., and we hope they don't mind us using their characters and settings. FFT3K Theme Song [cue MST3K track] In the not-too-distant future way out and deep in space A mysterious android, name is D, Is in a dark and lonely place Stuck up on SoL, all alone, Why not do an E.T. and grab a phone? He ran some tests until some me-te-ors Made the satellite home for the Ghost-bust-ers... (Peter: "IT'S RAY'S FAULT!!!") (Ray: "IS NOT!") "I'm reading cheesy fanfics, The worst, I can find,(LA LA LA) We'll have to sit and read them all, Or you'll gradually lose your mind!" (LA LA LA) Now keep in mind, the 'busters can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (LA LA LA) D'll try to keep the sanity Of his newfound 'busting friends! GB Roll Call! Spengler! (We're on!) Zeddemore! (Oh, man!) Ray Stantz! (Check this out...HAI-KEEBA!) Venkmaaaaaan! (Hey, baby!) If you're wonderin' how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST," And you should really just relax. For Fan Fiction Theater, 3000! [Guitar twang] Peter: It should be The Real Ghostbusters 3000! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! [D retracts the Rocket Fist] STARRING: Spengler, Egon, Dr. 6'3" Blond hair, blue eyes (which happen to be myopic, hence the red glasses) A genius with an exaggerated I.Q. Contains multiple degrees in the field of parapsychology and physics. He is responsible for the creation of the proton packs and the ecto-containment unit. Stantz, Ray, Dr. 5'8" Red hair, brown eyes The youngest member of the group, second to Egon in holding multiple degrees. He specializes in engineering and occult sciences. Egon once said he had the mental state of a six year old. Venkman, Peter, Dr. 5'10" Dk. Brown hair, green eyes All-around idiot (no kidding, Peter: HEY!) Amazingly, he has two Ph.D's, one in psychology and the other in parapsychology. He's actually smarter than he pretends to be. Most trouble they're in, is because of Peter. Zeddemore, Winston, Dr. 5'11" Black hair, brown eyes The only member of the group who doesn't have a Ph.D, he earned his 'Dr' title as an honorary member of Columbia University. The only member of the group who has common sense (Winston: Damn straight!). D 6'0" No hair, yellow eyes A Model 27 High-Density Productivity Android that took residence at the abandoned Satellite of Love. How or why he's there, no one knows. Looks like a cross between Adam of Shining Force and Data from ST: TNG. * * * * [On the VoFF, the ex-Satellite of Love] [Ray, Peter and Winston are playing cards.] Ray: UNO! Winston: Damn, that's the third hand you've won! Ray: I have skills! Peter: I think he cheats! Ray: I don't! VO Tory: Much as I'd hate to interrupt this; I have an announcement. Winston: What's up, Tory? VO Tory: Seems that Derek, Egon and I will be working on D for a bit. So it'll be just you three in the theatre today. Ray: Darn! VO Tory: But, don't despair. I have a visitor who is going to watch over you all for us. We'll be so busy with the broken D, she'll-- Peter: SHE!? VO Tory: Shut up! She'll keep you in line. She's a bit, different. Neverless, you'll have a good time! [Peter starts primping] Winston: Oh lord. [Lights flicker and flash as a fourth person appears] VO Tory: Guys, say Hi to Windwalker. Peter: Hello! [Peter nearly breaks his neck trying to reach Windwalker] Windwalker: Good evening! You can call me Windy! Winston: Uh, I'd hate to be a spoilsport, but what's with her gear? Ray: She is dressed oddly. VO Tory: No, Windy. Let me. Boys, she's a vampire! Peter: GAH! [Windy grins, revealing a pair of pearly fangs.] Windy: Don't worry, I've already eaten! Ray: This is going to be a long chapter! VO Tory: You've got MOVIE SIGN!!! [Door sequence] [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] [They trail in and sit down] > Falkyn -- Chapter 13 > By: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) > >________________________________________________________ Windy: This is how long you should drink blood, after that, you'll die! Peter: Is that the truth? [slowly moves away] > Falkyn left Zrinth and went to the mountainous regions of Kumay. Windy: --take me away! Winston: That's Calgon! Windy: Oh... my bad! >Many times when he was in town, he saw a well-dressed young man, in his mid >twenties, with a female escort, enter an inn and order a Bloody Mary, which, >surprisingly, he would not drink. Windy: Ooh, my favorite! Winston: I think he means the DRINK! Windy: Oh, poo! > "Odd," Falkyn muttered to himself around the third time he saw this >man. "Who would one order such a drink, then simply forget about it?" Windy: I would! Ray: Present company excluded! > After asking around, Falkyn learned the man's name (Lawrence Van >Helsing), where he lived (a large manor house on the outskirts of town), and >that every time he came in, he had a different escort. Peter: Uh-oh... Windy: I'd say he's a man about the town. Ray: Unless he's snacking on them... Windy: [very innocent look] What is wrong with that? > The next time he went to the inn, Lawrence was not present, but a >raven-haired lady was asking the patrons if they had seen her sister. Ray: Raven haired? Tory, you sure Windy's not in this story!? VO Tory: I'm sure, she doesn't have a sister! Windy: I ate her! [grins] Peter: I'm scared! [zips up his jumpsuit to protect his neck] >Falkyn overheard the responses, and gained enough information to assertain >that the woman's sister had been entranced by Mr. Van Helsing, and left with >him to the manor house. Ray: Falkyn was really listening! Windy: I'd say, you'd think he was a Vampire or something! Winston: Can we make no more Vampire references tonight? >Falkyn approached the lady and said, "I may be able to assist you. I can >find your sister and return her to you." Peter: After I'd had my way with her, wink wink. Windy: Hey, you're pretty funny! [starts laughing] Ray: Great, she's gonna egg him on! > The lady was pleased to hear this. "I am Diana Ulli. My sister was >enticed by Lawrence Van Helsing a few days ago. She never returned home... >Hey! Aren't you that Falkyn guy?" Winston: Who is he? MacGuyver? Windy: He seems to be very popular! > Falkyn bowed. "That I am. Rest assured, I will return your sister >to you." Winston: (Diana) That's the last time I gamble at HIS racetrack! > "Thank you! Her name is Lilli." > Windy: Morrigan's sister!? Oh wait, that's Lillith! Ray: [starts to shudder] Winston: What's wrong, Ray? Ray: Morrigan's a succubus! Peter: 0_0 > Falkyn approached the house in the early evening. Knowing that >strongarm tactics usually result in getting arrested, he knocked on the >front door. A butler greeted him at the door with, "State your business." Windy: (Falkyn) Can I use the bathroom, please! Ray: (Butler) Number one? Number two? Windy: (Falkyn) [whispers] Number two... Winston: That's disgusting! Windy: Really, even though I haven't used the bathroom in over 2000 years! Peter: Aah! > "I am here to find Lilli Ulli and return her to her sister." Peter: Try saying her name 10 times fast! > The butler hesitated for a moment, then said, "Wait inside and I >shall inform Master Van Helsing on this event." Windy: (Butler) --whilst I prepare the shotgun! > Falkyn did as he was asked, and Lawrence Van Helsing greeted him a >few minutes later. Winston: (Lawrence) You didn't destroy my door, did you?! Peter: (Falkyn) D'oh! > "Good evening," he said with a flourish. "I am Lawrence Van Helsing. >You are?" Peter: (Falkyn) I am the terror, that bashes doors in the night! I am that case of sour cream left in the back of the fridge! I am Falkyn Duck! > Falkyn stood and bowed. "I am Falkyn. No doubt you have heard of me >before." Ray: (Lawrence) Uh...no not really. Windy: I take it he's a bit famous? Peter: I guess... Winston: That's dangerous, don't ever do that again! > Lawrence thought, then replied, "No, I can't say I have. But you >came because you heard there was a lady here named Lilli Ulli, right?" > "Hai." (Yes) Winston: Hi! Ray: Stupid, he meant Hai as in yes in Japanese! Winston: Oh. Don't call me stupid! Ray: Ok, baka... Windy: Low blow there, Ray-chan. > "She is not here. You have been misinformed, friend." > Falkyn's eyebrow shot up. "I find it hard to believe her own sister >would lie about such a thing." Falkyn breathed, then continued with, "I am >sorry to intrude. Kobun-wa (good evening) Van Helsing-san." > Ray: Shouldn't that be Ban Herusingu-san?! Winston: Well someone's lying! Windy: [dark eyebrow twitches] Van Helsing? That friggin Vampire hunter!? ARRRGGGH! LIGHTNING BOLT...STRIKE! [Windy calls down lightning and strikes the screen...nothing happens] VO Tory: I should have warned you about that, no matter what you do the damn thing still stands! Windy: BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!!! Ray: Whoa! Winston, how can someone use a stick like THAT?! Winston: Don't ask, she might show you! > The next day, Falkyn scaled the side of Van Helsing's house, and >entered through a window. All: [singing] Spiderman, Spiderman. Radioactive spiderman... > "This will take some time," Falkyn whispered to himself. His chi >crackled in his fist. "Better to take no chances in such a large dwelling." > Windy: I can do that! [a large ball appears in her fist. It starts to crackle] Peter: Put that thing away before you hurt someone! Windy: Gomen! > Fortunately, nobody was in the house. Falkyn searched every room >systematically, but found nothing. Peter: But he did manage to tear down every door! Winston: (Falkyn) Ooh, Oak! I never destroyed an oak door before! > "Che." Falkyn was just about ready to forget about the search, when >he grabbed a hook on a wall and pulled. The wall on his right slid back and >to the side, revealing a secret passage. > "Ah," Falkyn mused. "Ingenious way of hiding oneself." > Winston: No, that's the most cliched use of a hiding place! > Following the passage, Falkyn was stopped by a sealed door. Not >locked, but sealed with strange runes. Falkyn could not read them, as they >did not resemble Japanese in the least. Not one to meddle with magic, Ray: Falkyn blows the door open. Bets!? Peter: Why bet against a sure thing!? >Falkyn blew the door open with a Sou-Chi-Dan, and entered the sub-basement >of the house. > Winston: You know, I doubt we'll never see Falkyn open a door like a normal person! Windy: I hate opening doors. Passing through them is *much* cooler! Peter: Why do we have her here? Windy: To watch you three, of course. [her purple eyes flash] > When Falkyn entered the room, he spent a couple minutes searching for >his jaw; aside from Lawrence Van Helsing sitting at a far wall, there were >literally dozens of his female escorts littering the room, and several males >mingling with them. Peter: OH MY GOD, ITS AN ORGY!!!! Windy: [eyes grow huge] WHOA! [turns head sideways] Is that thing for real!??! What are those two *round* things!? [sits upside down in her seat] OH MY LORD! Ray: [starts blushing furiously] Winston: I'm with Falkyn on that jaw searching bit! > Falkyn charged Van Helsing and lifted him off his chair. "Tell me >what in the six hundred sixty-six levels of the Abyss is transpriring here!" Winston: "What the hell" would be more better! > Van Helsing remained calm, even though he was being held by a man who >could shatter boulders with nothing save his bare hands. "What can you hope >to do to hurt me, pitiful mortal?" Windy: He sounds like me! > "Off hand," Falkyn replied, "I can think of twenty different ways I >can permanently cripple you, and five ways of ending your life. Peter: Then do something, you idiot! > Oh, and >don't try calling my bluff; I'm not." He realized what Van Helsing had >called him. "What are you implying about mortality?" Windy: Mortality is for wimps! Go for immortality! Peter: Whats so great about sucking blood!? Windy: [wriggles her eyebrows at Peter] Some say, getting your blood drained is close to 20 orgasms hitting at once. Peter: Hmm, does this involve death?! Ray: HEY! Winston: I can't believe you're even considering getting bit! Windy: Nani? I wouldn't bite Peter. Now, Ray, on the other hand. I just bet his blood is very sweet. [she sniffs at Ray's neck] Ray: URGH! > "I have become a vampire," Van Helsing replied. "I am formulating a >great plan to gain control of these islands, and soon, this whole planet!" Winston: Great, now we have two vamps running amuck. Windy: Control the planet? NE? Not while I'm still kicking! > "How do you intend to do this?" > "And why, pray tell, should I answer that?" Ray: What's that? Someone showing sense!? > Falkyn's grip tightened. "I can kill you in less than three seconds, Winston: It's called the 'Finger of Death' Ray: God, not that again! Peter: Can you imagine what he was doing with that finger? Windy: I could...[shudders] I wish I hadn't said that. Peter: A Vamp? Shuddering? Whoa! >so start talking or you can start dying. Even a vampire can be killed, it's >only a matter of how you go about killing it." Windy: [gulps] Peter: Ah, so you are killable! Windy: Don't bring my wrath about, Venkman! Peter: If it involves you nude, I'm going for it! [a short pause as everyone else gasp] Windy: [eyebrow twitch] Nude? Nani? FLAME....STRIKE! [A line of fire flies from her finger, setting Peter's jumper on fire] Peter: ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!! Windy: Now that's what I call, hot stuff! > Van Helsing suddenly felt very concerned about his un-life. Windy: Hell, I'm feeling concerned for him too! > "Forget it," Falkyn muttered, and chopped across Van Helsing's neck, Ray: (Van Helsing) Nanny, nanny, po--URK! >rendering him unconscious. He took a ring off Van Helsing's finger and >smashed it against a wall. Falkyn had been getting odd feelings from that >particular adornment. Suddenly, everyone snapped out of their trance. Ray: Hey, Winston! Bet you 2 bucks, Falkyn don't kill him! Winston: You're on! Windy: Hey, Ray! Bet you 2 bucks, I can drain you in 2 seconds! Ray: Er...[slowly moving away] You're NOT on! > Falkyn looked around. "Lilli Ulli?" he called. Winston: Sorry, I'm Billi Kulli...Lilli's downstairs. > A red-haired young lady approached him. "I'm Lilli. Why are you >here?" > Falkyn bowed. "I was sent by your sister to retrieve you from Van >Helsing's clutches." > Lilli thanked him and left. Winston: [blinks almost audibly] That's it!? Peter: She just thanks him and leaves?! Windy: Where is the suspense? the Drama!? Ray: This is worse than Knots Landing! > "Falkyn. You finally decide to show your face again." Ray: Now I ask you put it AWAY! > Falkyn recognized the voice. "Iai!" (No!) He turned and saw two >dark hazel eyes and long cinnamon-colored hair. "Li, I'm sorry about >running away like that." Windy: Oh, from what Tory told me, I hope she kicks his ass and drain him dry! Winston: Li'na isn't a vampire. Windy: Damn... > Li'na wasn't softened by Falkyn's apology. "How could you? I >trusted you with my life!" Ray: How dumb of you to do so! Peter: Hopefully she'll get a hint now! > Falkyn bowed his head. He looked up, and saw a very familiar, and >very large, man standing behind Li'na. Blood-red hair hung in the man's >face and covered his scarred left eye. For the first time Falkyn could >remember, he felt somewhat intimidated. "Konnichi-wa, Tenma." (Good >afternoon, Divine Demon) Windy: Whoa Tenma wa totemo kawaii! [her eyes turns into hearts] Peter: What's this Tenma got, that I don't! Ray: Don't get her started! > Tenma had his arms crossed over his wide chest, covering the scars >left by the spears that had lodged themselves in his chest. "You thought I >had died in Karados's underground fortress, didn't you?" he asked. Peter: (Tenma) MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH---wait, why am I laughing!? > "I >nearly did. Fortunately, I heal very fast. I hold no grudge against you, >friend, I do not desire revenge for your leaving me in that hovel." Windy: Please, hold it against ME! Peter: She makes a hentai comment, no one does anything. I say something, I get a fireball on my ass! Winston: You can't drain people of blood... Peter: You have a point there! > "Arigato," (Thanks) Falkyn said. All: (singing) Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.. Winston: (singing) Thank you very much, oh Mr. Roboto, for helping me escape just when I needed to..THANK YOU! > "I would prefer not to battle you." Windy: --you're simply too cute! Ray: Ewwww! > Tenma chuckled. "Hai. Well, since Li'na is no longer with you, I >might be able to continue her martial arts training." He looked down to the >young girl standing in front of him. "Would you like that, Li'na-chan?" Winston: What?! Li'na hooked up with Tenma!? Ray: I think she's just plain needy! Peter: Now *that's* a slut! > Li'na was blushing slightly. "Thanks, Tenma. I'd be honored." She >completely forgot she was angry at Falkyn for running out on her like he >did. Peter: Tenma must be hitting it right! Ray: PETER! Windy: I don't understand it? Beating on her is making her stay?! Winston: [whispers in Windy's ear] Windy: Ooooh! > "Doi dashimashde." (You're welcome) Ray: (singing) Doi, doi, crazy doi! Peter: BOOOOOO!!! > Falkyn, feeling somewhat jovial, said, "You know, you two would make >a lovely couple." Winston: Go head, pan Li'na off onto Tenma. Obviously, you couldn't get things right! Peter: I bet Tenma is! > Tenma cocked his eyebrow in a very Falkyn-ish manner, and Li'na >laughed. Soon, all three were laughing in unison. "Ahh, Falkyn, I did not >know you could be so humorous!" Tenma said. The room had swiftly emptied of >un-zombified escorts while the three were talking. All: [laughs nervously] Peter: What are we laughing at? Winston: I dunno, the fic called for it. > Meanwhile, Van Helsing came out of his involuntary slumber to see an >empty room, save Falkyn, one of his escorts, and his bodyguard all talking >to each other. "Tenma," Van Helsing groaned, rising to his feet, "I order >you to kill him." Windy: Oooh, domination! Peter: Eh? Windy: Not *that*, you idiot! Domination is a skill where a Vampire can possess your mind! Ray: It wouldn't work on Peter, he don't have a mind to be possessed! Peter: Very funny, laughing boy! > Tenma heard Van Helsing's wavering voice, then said, "Iai." > "What?" Windy: Nani? Peter: What? Windy: That's what I said, Nani. Peter: What?! Windy: Nani means what! Peter: I asked you! Windy: Ah screw it! > Tenma removed the axe from his belt and brandished it before him. "I >said, no. I shall never again attempt to harm this man." Windy: (Tenma) He's too kawaii! Winston: EWWW! > Van Helsing was appalled. "You dare question my orders?" Windy: Hell, yes! What are *you* gonna do about it! > A nod confirmed Van Helsing's inquiry. Outraged, Van Helsing leaped >at him, teeth bared. "Die!" Ray: (Hyo) SHI-NE! > In a flash, Van Helsing was bisected. Tenma cleaned his axe and >said, "You were never a vampire, Van Helsing; it was merely that ring you >wear...? Where is the Ring of Vampirism?" Winston: So it was just an item... Windy: Damn wannabes! > "I shattered it against the wall," Falkyn replied. "I take it he >didn't know. Too bad for him, though. Perhaps we should leave?" > Ray: That's the best thing you've said during the entire fic! > "I must return to the mountains of Kumay," Falkyn said. "I intended >to seek greater power with my chi." Peter: You master of the five handed illusion, you! Windy: Coming from Peter, I bet that was a hentai comment! Winston: Yep... > Li'na was standing very close to Tenma, who had an uncomfortable look >on his face. "I..." Tenma stuttered. He scratched the back of his head. "I >do not know what I plan to do." Peter: I know what you're planning! Windy: That's it! CHILL...TOUCH! [Windy grabs Peter with an icy hand. Peter's skin turns blue as he starts to shiver] Peter: t-tt-tthe hhh-hhell! Ray: That was nice! Windy: Thanks! It was one of my newbie spells! > "I wanted to train with an official sensei," Li'na said. "Falkyn >taught me a lot, but I want to learn more, and he won't teach me." Winston: Falkyn, didn't your sensei tell you that you have to learn the ALPHABET before you can read! > Tenma's head snapped up. "I trained with Yamada Jubei. If you wish, >I can take you to him and he can train you." All: [singing} Come on ride the train...and ride it! CHOO CHOO! > Li'na readily accepted, and the two walked off, talking about their >training experiences with their respective masters. Peter: S-ss-sshe has n-n-nnn-no loyal-ll-lty! > "Falkyn was pretty strict with his training..." Ray: (Li'na falsetto) Whenever I wouldn't strip, he'd used a whip on me! Peter: Sss-strike him d-ddown! Windy: Nah, Ray's too cute! Ray: Oh! (*^_^*) Winston: I think I just got a cavity... > "Sensei taught me all I know, and he is over fifty!" Peter: (Li'na falsetto) [still cold] And that inc-ccluded using dep-ppends! > Falkyn watched the two walk off into the sunset. "I wonder what will >become of them?" he asked himself. "I wonder if I'll ever see them again?" >A smile crossed his stony face. "Of course I will." Windy: I sense an orgy scene coming up! VO Tory: Don't let Derek hear you say that! Windy: Whoops! Winston: Hey, it's over! Ray: Wow?! [They stand up and exit the theatre] [Door sequence] [6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] Windy: That wasn't too bad! Winston: Minus the few times you attacked Peter... Windy: No, that was the fun part! Ray: Uh...how long are you going to be here? Windy: Just this chapter! Peter: Good riddance! Windy: [sticks her tongue out at Peter] Ray: Whew! Windy: So, Ray...Have you ever been bitten? Ray: Uh, no...stay away! Windy: You'll enjoy it! Ray: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [Winston shakes his head and hits the button, after giving Peter a blanket] [ FWOOOOOOOOOSH! ] \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ [Screen grows dark, voices overheard] "Stay away you crazy Vampire!" "You know you'll enjoy it!" "Y-y-you make me sick!" "Shaddup, Venkman! SHOCKING...GRASP!" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" ________________________________________________________________________ "Falkyn, Chapter 13" by: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) SHAMELESS PLUGS: You can find the rest of Falkyn the MSTing at: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com/Falkyn Tory's Real Ghostbusters Webpage: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com Komera Waddi's RPG and Interactive Stories: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Stadium/4989/ EMAIL US! Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) ________________________________________________________________________ > "I wanted to train with an official sensei," Li'na said. "Falkyn >taught me a lot, but I want to learn more, and he won't teach me." Winston: Falkyn, didn't your sensei tell you that you have to learn the ALPHABET before you can read!