Fan-Fiction Theater 3000 EPISODE: 012 -- Hentai Android D. Today's Victim: Falkyn -- Chapter 12 by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) MSTed by Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) and Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: The Real Ghostbusters are owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains inc., and we hope they don't mind us using their characters and settings. FFT3K Theme Song [cue MST3K track] In the not-too-distant future way out and deep in space A mysterious android, name is D, Is in a dark and lonely place Stuck up on SoL, all alone, Why not do an E.T. and grab a phone? He ran some tests until some me-te-ors Made the satellite home for the Ghost-bust-ers... (Peter: "IT'S RAY'S FAULT!!!") (Ray: "IS NOT!") "I'm reading cheesy fanfics, The worst, I can find,(LA LA LA) We'll have to sit and read them all, Or you'll gradually lose your mind!" (LA LA LA) Now keep in mind, the 'busters can't control Where the fanfics begin or end, (LA LA LA) D'll try to keep the sanity Of his newfound 'busting friends! GB Roll Call! Spengler! (We're on!) Zeddemore! (Oh, man!) Ray Stantz! (Check this out...HAI-KEEBA!) Venkmaaaaaan! (Hey, baby!) If you're wonderin' how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just tell yourself, "It's just a MST," And you should really just relax. For Fan Fiction Theater, 3000! [Guitar twang] Peter: It should be The Real Ghostbusters 3000! *KBANG* Peter: OOOOF! [D retracts the Rocket Fist] STARRING: Spengler, Egon, Dr. 6'3" Blond hair, blue eyes (which happen to be myopic, hence the red glasses) A genius with an exaggerated I.Q. Contains multiple degrees in the field of parapsychology and physics. He is responsible for the creation of the proton packs and the ecto-containment unit. Stantz, Ray, Dr. 5'8" Red hair, brown eyes The youngest member of the group, second to Egon in holding multiple degrees. He specializes in engineering and occult sciences. Egon once said he had the mental state of a six year old. Venkman, Peter, Dr. 5'10" Dk. Brown hair, green eyes All-around idiot (no kidding, Peter: HEY!) Amazingly, he has two Ph.D's, one in psychology and the other in parapsychology. He's actually smarter than he pretends to be. Most trouble they're in, is because of Peter. Zeddemore, Winston, Dr. 5'11" Black hair, brown eyes The only member of the group who doesn't have a Ph.D, he earned his 'Dr' title as an honorary member of Columbia University. The only member of the group who has common sense (Winston: Damn straight!). D 6'0" No hair, yellow eyes A Model 27 High-Density Productivity Android that took residence at the abandoned Satellite of Love. How or why he's there, no one knows. Looks like a cross between Adam of Shining Force and Data from ST: TNG. * * * * [On the VoFF, the ex-Satellite of Love] [Peter Venkman and Ray Stantz are lurking around the VoFF armed with a box of tools] Ray: Where's that tin can at... Peter: I don't know, hopefully we can find him before Movie Sign! Egon: Ray? What's wrong? Ray: [stammers] Uh, nothing! I'm just looking for D. I have a few questions about the satellite! Egon: He was near the holocabana, last time I saw him. Winston: You would know were the holocabana is... Egon: Shaddup! [Peter and Ray leaves the bridge and goes to the holocabana. They find D checking a few wires] Ray: So, D. How's it going? D: If you're asking about my level of functioning, it is at optimum effiency. Ray: Can I ask you a few questions? D: Go ahead. [Ray throws his arm around D's shoulders and leads him off while Peter follows with the box of tools, chuckling slightly] [Back on the bridge] Egon: Where are they at? We have movie sign in a few! VO Tory: I don't know, I haven't seen Ray or Peter all day. [Peter, Ray, and D enter, chuckling and laughing.] Egon: There you are, we have... Winston: I've always wanted to say this: MOVIE SIGN!!!!! [Door sequence] [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] [They trail in and sit down] > Falkyn -- Chapter 12 > By: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) > >________________________________________________________ D: You know, I am made of a certain alloy that's pleasurable to women. Egon: [eyes grow very huge] Winston: This is it, hell is on the VoFF! > "Please?" D: When?! Egon: You did this, didn't you! [glares at Peter] Peter: Me? I can't even program the VCR! Winston: It was Ray! Ray: Eep! > Falkyn looked into the horizon. "I cannot." D: I can, think I'm an android. I have mega stamina! Peter: Oh, we made a major boo boo here. Ray: It's all your fault! > Li'na had her arms around him. "Why not?" > "It is immoral and unethical." Peter: Not really, as long as you use protection, everything should be ok. D: I have a special lubricant that can act as protection as well... Winston: And then there was one... Egon: One what? Winston: One left that wasn't mentally damaged! > Li'na disengaged her grasp on him. "What do I have to do to get you >to see things my way?" Peter: You know what I'm gonna say! D: Seeing you free of clothing would be very helpful to swaying my decision! Egon: Dear God! > Falkyn bowed his head. "That is not possible. No matter what you >try, I will not succumb to your will." He walked off to a grove of trees. >His voice hung on the wind, "Remember that." D: Resistence is futile, to my projectile! Peter: [stifles a laugh] Ray: I didn't mean to make him hentai! Winston: You realize, Derek's gonna kick your ass big time! Ray: I know! [face pales as he sinks in his seat] [Thunder peals over the Theatre] > When he left, Li'na looked off to the sunset, and went into deep >thought. Egon: (Li'na falsetto) Hmmm....WHOA! *CLUNK* DARNIT! Peter: That's like falling into your thought. Winston: That's one place I wouldn't want to visit, you never know what he's thinking. Ray: Probably of Janine...nude! D: Hey, isn't that the pretty redhead that works for you!? Egon: All of you, shush it! > She removed a green gem from her gi, about the size of a small >pebble. She smiled to herself. Now'd be the best time to use this little >trinket, she thought. > Ray: Cue the stupid Li'na trick! Peter: Aye, aye! Winston: Let's see what stupid thing Li'na does *this* chapter! D: Drat, I thought she was removing the gi! STRIP FOR ME! > The next day, Li'na wandered off. Winston: She needs a leash! Peter: With as much trouble she keeps getting into! Egon: You're one to talk... > I ought to let her cool down, Falkyn thought. No sense in keeping >her upset. D: Hot momma! Egon: I hate this, I hate this...grrrr! > Falkyn's ear caught the sound of metal hissing against leather, and >the clashing of metal on metal. He drew his silver katana from its bamboo >sheath and rushed off to find the cause of the disturbance. > Peter: Metal hissing against leather? 0_0 D: It's an S&M conference! Dominatrixes of the world, DISROBE! Winston: Dear lord! > When he arrived, he met with half a dozen warriors in blue-black >armor, one of whom had his arm wrapped around Li'na's neck. Winston: YES! Finally, she'll get killed! Egon: Winston! That's incredibly rude! Winston: I'm tired of her and her stupid tricks! > Falkyn sliced the air with his weapon. "Let her go, or you shall >taste silver death!" Ray: (Falkyn) Sorry I couldn't deliver gold death, but silver's the next best thing! Winston: Nice try, Ray. Not funny, though. Ray: Darn! > The armored warriors laughed. "A puny weapon such as that cannot >hope to penetrate the armor of a Black Night Warrior!" Egon: I assume we should know the terrible Black Night Warriors. D: I know what I can penetrate! Winston: I'm gonna shut him off... > Falkyn cocked his eyebrow. "'Black Night Warrior'?" he asked. He >shrugged and said, "So be it. I will carve all six of you up like those >ugly purple and green creatures that roam these islands." Peter: AHHHH! Not Barney again!!! All: AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!! > One of the Warriors drew a black obsidian sword. "I will have the >honor of slitting you from navel to neck," he said with confidence. As he >charged, Falkyn's silver katana punctured the dark armor, spilling red blood >upon the green grass. The Warrior collapsed to the ground, dead. Winston: Ouch! > The leader of the Warriors, the one holding Li'na, looked to one of >the smaller Warriors. "Your turn." Peter: (smaller warrior) I don't wanna....Noooo....I don't wanna!!! > The next Warrior wielded an obsidian axe. "Chop you up!" he bellowed >as he ran forward, axe overhead. Egon: (Falkyn) You want to say that in a complete sentence? Peter: (Warrior) Sorry, I will chop you up, sir! Egon: (Falkyn) Very good, continue! HEEEEYAAAHHHH! Peter: (Warrior) Aah! > Falkyn sidestepped and slashed across the back of the Warrior's >unprotected neck, cutting his spinal cord. Winston: Too bad they don't have wheelchairs here. > "That's two," Falkyn commented, examining his katana. He almost >didn't see the flash of obsidian. D: WHOOO!! TAKE IT OFF! Egon: One more and I'm shutting you down! Winston: I wanna shut him down! > Within seconds, another Black Night Warrior was dead on the grass. > "Being a Black Night Warrior isn't very safe," Falkyn said. "Too >many health hazards." He looked at the leader of the Warriors. "Does the >Workers' Compensation Board know about this?" he asked coolly. Egon: (Warrior) No, we're Union, dammit! > The leader of the Warriors' eyes narrowed to slits. "Two on one is >still better odds," he growled. Peter: Here's a bright idea, everyone attack at once! Ray: Why didn't they think of that! Winston: It's the laws of gang fighting in stories and on TV! > "Not when you're fighting with me." Falkyn fell into a ready stance. Peter: (Falkyn) Because you're not smart enough to all attack at once. Winston: Nobody's smart enough to do anything! > The Warrior sent the remaining two under his command to fight. Ray: (Warrior) Dang, I knew I should have put in for that transfer! Winston: (Another Warrior) Drat, I was two weeks from retirement! > Obsidian weapons clashed against metal, fists and feet connected with >flesh and bone, and when it was all over, the two Warriors were dead, and >their leader, nowhere to be found. Egon: The only smart one of the bunch... D: I'll say; he took Li'na! [tries to wiggle eyebrows that aren't there] > Falkyn examined the bloody ground. He found the Warrior's trail, and >began following it across the mountains. > Winston: Follow the drip, follow the drip! > As the sun set, Falkyn was still following the trail. > I cannot rest, he told himself, not when Li'na's life is in danger. > Egon: If he didn't love her, why is he on such a chase to find her? Peter: Common curtsey? Ray: Come on now, even though you admit you don't love Janine, I find that you're always the one closest to losing his mind whenever she's in danger. Egon: [very red face] Ahem, that's different. Winston: Yeah, right. > Dawn was approaching, and the trail led Falkyn to the remains of >Razhad's obsidian fortress. Winston: (Dawn) Olly, olly oxen free!!!! > "They're using Razhad's old fortress as a base of operations," Falkyn >muttered. "I have to get in." Egon: Oh crap, another mountain! > Large shadows fell across the ground, and Ray: (Shadow) La la la...*trip* AHHHHHHH! *BAM* >Falkyn was jumped by several Black Night Warriors. He was caught completely >off-guard, and hadn't the time to unsheath his katana before the Warriors >overbeared him and dragged him off. > D: DOGPILE!!! Winston: It's about time! Peter: Everyone's thinking rate is like a bowl of molasses! > The scarred figher was taken into the courtyard of the fortress. The >courtyard was filled with hundreds of Black Night Warriors, all wearing the >same blue-black armor. They stood in two rows, obviously awaiting something >or someone. Peter: That line for the bathroom is just *too* long! Winston: If they have bathrooms... Peter: Oh, ick! > Falkyn stood between the rows, with a Warrior on either side of him. >The gate opened, and another Black Night Warrior stepped out. This one was >wearing a black helmet with a white crescent moon on the forehead. Egon: DEAR GOD, ITS SAILOR MOON! Others: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Chaos erupts in the theatre while D plays the SM theme song] >Within the crescent was a multifaceted green emerald. The Warrior's face >was covered with a black shield that let whomever it was inside see out, but >nobody could see in. Ray: Wait, if the crescent was white, how can there be a green emerald within the crescent. You wouldn't be able to tell it was white! Winston: Like they tell me, you're looking too far into it, Ray. > A Warrior rushed up to the new one and kneeled down. > "At last you have returned, Selor," he said. Ray: --Moon--OUCHIE! Peter: SHADDUP! > The helmeted Warrior began to speak. "So, you are Falkyn," Selor >said, the voice tinny and metallic from underneath the helmet. Peter: Damn, there goes that Return of the Jedi flashback! Egon: SOLO! > "I am," Falkyn said. "I have come to this place to rescue my friend, >Li'na Sivad." VO Derek: The one person who says it, gets FRIED! Winston: [innocent expression] Say what? VO Derek: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!! I DELETED YOU FOR IT!!! Winston: Ohh, that! > Selor laughed. "She considers you not a friend!" Peter: Actually *more* than a friend. D: Hint, hint, wink, wink, kiss, kiss, str--- Egon: ENOUGH! > Falkyn's hand went for his katana. "How do you know?" Sunlight >glinted off the weapon, which was then in Falkyn's grasp. "Tell me!" Winston: (singing) --what you want...Tell me whatcha need... > The tinny voice replied, "Defeat me in combat, and I shall tell you." >Selor drew Li'na's Mundane Sword. "ONLY if you defeat me!" Ray: Take note, Falkyn. She said ONLY! > Falkyn and Selor stood, swords crossed. Selor made the first move, a >vicious overhead slash, but was countered by an upward strike, knocking the >sword back. Selor recovered fast, blocking Falkyn's strike to the abdomen. >Falkyn took a step back and delivered two quick strikes to the sides of >Selor's head, which were blocked. All: HEAVY MARTIAL ARTS ACTION! D: MASTER NINJA THEME SONG! Ray: Darnit! > "Impressive," Falkyn commented, attacking again. Egon: (Peter) Ok, I admit it; I'm impressed! Peter: You need to get out more, Egon. > Deflecting the slashes, Selor replied, "I learned from the best." Ray: The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be! VO Derek: The Hitman, ladies and gentlemen! > Falkyn had the strangest feeling that Selor was referring to him, but >pushed that though aside to dodge Selor's next swing. Ray: HEEEYAH! [swings] Peter: Wha--ARGH! Ray: SORRY! >As Selor recovered, Falkyn knocked the Mundane Sword aside, then swung >upward, knocking Selor's helmet off and throwing the Warrior off balance and >onto the ground, face down. Winston: No wonder her sword didn't work, it's mundane! > "Ore no katchi da," (This is my victory) Falkyn said. "Now where >is Li'na?" Peter: Ore wa Benkumenu Peteru! Egon: Boku wa Supengureru Egon! Winston: Atashi wa Zedudemore Winsuton! VO Tory: Watashi wa Burobuno Tori! Ray: So that's where my romanji charts went...[evil glare] > The mass of black armor and long, cinnamon-colored hair stood. >"Closer than you think." Selor turned to face Falkyn. Peter: Is this close enough? [breathes heavily] Egon: EWWW! [pushes Peter back] > When Falkyn saw the hazel eyes and facial features, the color drained >from his face. He was so shocked, he couldn't even form coherent words. >"L... L..." Peter: Limburger?! Egon: Lettuce? D: Lingere?! > Selor laughed. "I had you thinking I was Li'na all this time!" >Indeed, Selor was Li'na. The only difference was that she now wore the >black and blue armor of the Black Night Warriors. Egon: And he couldn't notice this before... Winston: I thought fighting style was like a trademark. Since he fought her, he should know that it was Li'na! Ray: You're thinking again. Winston: Damn... > "Why?" was all Falkyn could get out. "Why have you decieved me? I >trusted you. I taught you all I know." Egon: [mumbles] Which wasn't much... > "What you taught me will benefit the Black Night Warriors," Selor >said. "Maybe you would like to join my army?" > Falkyn bowed his head. "Why should I? What would you gain if I >joined?" D: Unlimited orgies! That's enough for me! Peter: He's starting to sicken *me*! Egon: Hard thing to do. > Selor took her Mundane Sword from the ground. "Actually, I should >tell you what you will gain." She approached him. "You and I could rule >the R'itni Islands. With the Black Night Warriors at our command, there >will be no force in the world that could stop us!" Winston: Yes, tell us your plan before you DIE! > "I want to rule nothing," Falkyn said. "All I want is my friend >back." Egon: But you don't care for her. Peter: Make up your mind already! > Selor's grin melted away. "Why?" she asked. "Why do you deserve to >have her return to you?" She gripped Falkyn's gi in both hands. "Do you >love her, is that why? Or is she merely a convenience to you?" Ray: Say it! End the stupid cycle! At least let us know what's going on! > Falkyn effortlessly removed Selor's hands from his gi. "I... am >uncertain. Rest assured I don't consider her a convenience. We have >never... well, you know." D: Tsk tsk, five minutes with me and Li'na would have married me! Peter: HARF! > Selor's gaze bored right through him. "Tell me now, or she is lost >to you, forever." Winston: He doesn't care! > Falkyn stepped back. "You're right. She is lost. Now you've taken >her place. Li'na is lost forever." He began to pulse with chi. Ray: SEE! Winston was right! You punk! > "What are you doing?" Selor demanded. "Stop him!" > None of the Warriors dared approach the glowing man. Peter: Whoa, mark this moment. Some characters are displaying signs of intelligence! > Falkyn prepared a final technique he knew would destroy the Warriors >and everything in the valley. "Shi-Bakuu," he muttered, "Deadly Explosion." > As Falkyn's chi aura intensified, Selor broke the silence. "Wait." > The aura died slightly. "What? You are wasting my time." Falkyn >seemed eager to end his existence. Peter: Oh, happy dagger! > "You don't have to do this," Selor said. "I can go with you." > The aura glowed brighter. "No. My protoge was Li'na Sivad, a kind >and gentle young woman. You are Selor, cold-hearted leader of the Black >Night Warriors." Falkyn levitated slightly into the air. "May my death >prevent the rising of the Black Night Warriors." The aura was so bright, it >threatened to blind the Warriors. Winston: (Warrior) Bright light, bright light! > "Stop!" All: HAMMER TIME! D: [U Can't Touch This] >Selor shouted. "I'm sorry. I wanted to see if you would rescue me, even if >it meant your own life!" Winston: What the-- Peter: the hell! Both: SHE WAS FAKING?! D: Women have been known to fake... Egon: Stop that thought right there! > Falkyn's eyes were all that were visible in the glowing form. "Are >you telling the truth? If not, everything within several kilometers is >doomed." Egon: IMPENDING DOOM!!! [Lights flicker as thunder roars throughout the theatre] Peter: Egon, stop that. Egon: No! IMPENDING DOOM!!! [The lights flicker and thunder roars yet again] Peter: Dammit, Egon! *THWAP* Egon: HEY! > "Yes, yes I am!" Selor pleaded. "Just don't destroy me! You mean >everything to me!" D: Oh yeah, come to daddy! Egon: [blinks] > The aura shimmered, pulsed, and faded. "Selor, is that your real >name, or is that just the name you're using to control these hoodlums?" > One Warrior broke at that comment and charged. Three seconds later >he was dead on the obsidian floor. Egon: (Falkyn) Damn hooligans! > "It is only an assumed name," Selor admitted. "I really am Li'na, >and I'll always be the same Li'na you knew." She looked up into the sky. Ray: And a bird pooped in her eye! Peter: Welcome to the secret life of Li'na! >"These Black Night Warriors are merely an illusion." She removed the gem >from her helmet, and the Black Night Warriors vanished. "I'm sorry. Will >you forgive me for putting you through this?" She closed the gap between >them. "Please? I truly am sorry." Egon: No, I wouldn't forgive you! Winston: Anyone want to explain WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!!? Ray: Calm down! > Falkyn placed his hands on Li'na's shoulders. "I forgive you." > Li'na strained upward, but Falkyn backed away. > "Although I forgive you, I will never be able to return your >affections," he said. "I have killed my emotions, so as to be the perfect >fighter." D: It didn't kill your body functions, ifyaknowwhatImean. Egon: HARF! > Li'na didn't believe him. "What about those times when you said you >loved me, huh? What about that?" Peter: Its called LYING! > "Do not bring it up," Falkyn retorted. "Your training is finished. >I hereby send you back to the real world. I may never return to you, and >you must never try to find me." Winston: It's a sign, leave his raggedy ass! D: And come to me, girl! > "What?" Li'na asked. Before she could continue, Falkyn left, running >as fast as the Sansou-Ken could carry him. She watched the blurry figure >speed off. "Wait! Come back! Please!" > Peter: (girlish voice) MATTE!!!! > Falkyn did not hear her pleas. Or rather, he chose not to. Do not >bother yourself with me, he thought. Li'na, goodbye... forever... Ray: He know he loves him some Li'na! Winston: Ray, shut up! [They get up and exit the Theatre] [6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1] Winston: He's left Li'na, and I feel like crying, it was so sappy. D: [starts to spark] Warning! Primary coding overwritten! System shutdown imminent! Ray: Uh-oh. Egon: Why are you "uh-oh"ing? VO Derek: D's ROM coding was never supposed to be tampered with. He wasn't designed to be hentai, and he'll shut down when he is. Peter: We're screwed. VO Derek: Egon, get D up here, and I'll see if I can recode his ROM. Egon: Gotcha. [Egon drags D off the bridge] Winston: Ray, I hope your insurance is paid in full. Ray: Yeah, I took care of i--ARRRGGH! [Ray is suddenly struck by lightning as he's talking] Peter: Ouch, looks like they cranked the volts up on that one! [hits the button] [ FWOOOOOOOOOSH! ] \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ [Screen grows dark, voices overheard] "I think we're gonna need a spatula for this job" "God, he's like, crammed into the pavement" "Remind me, never piss them off ever again!" _________________________________________________________________________ "Falkyn, Chapter 12" by: Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) SHAMELESS PLUGS: You can find the rest of Falkyn the MSTing at: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com/Falkyn Tory's Real Ghostbusters Webpage: http://winston_zeddemore.tripod.com Komera Waddi's RPG and Interactive Stories: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Stadium/4989/ EMAIL US! Tory L. Brown (tory_brown@yahoo.com) Derek Floyd (dfloyd84@yahoo.com) _________________________________________________________________________ > Li'na didn't believe him. "What about those times when you said you >loved me, huh? What about that?" Peter: Its called LYING!