The Escalator Experiment

Whats The Most Frustrating Thing You Can Think Of?

It doesn't matter how many people you ask this question to, its a rariety that you will get a majority answer out of any of them.

For me, its the simple escalator. That moving haven of metal that transports a fat man from the bottom rung to the top of a building without scaring him too much with the sheer thought of exercise

"But Dexter" I hear you say "An escalator is a wonderful thing. Why on earth would you consider it frustrating?"

Its not the escalator that frustrates me, its when the escalator doesn't work that starts to get me riled up. Lets consider its name. An 'escalator' would surely indicate that its sole purpose is to escalate. If it doesn't escalate, what is its purpose?

I was curious to find out why this abomination of a situation exists so I consulted Escalator Repair Firm 'WYWONCHAGO'

"We've been in business repairing escalators for years. The good thing is we don't have to be good at it to make money. We have a sign that we place at the bottom of the escalator that says

ESCALATOR, TEMPORARILY STAIRS. SORRY FOR THE CONVIENIENCE.

We find it rather amusing. Besides fat people need the exercise"

I then decided to show the crazy people at Wywonchago, this set of plans for an escalator

At which point, their representative passed out on me

I decided that this was the right time to do some field work. I left the representative lay on the floor in a pool of his own vomit and thanked his secretary on the way out

As I left the building, a paramedic knocked me over rushing into the building. Wonder what that was all about? I thought it best not to stick around as the guy was an asshole and would probably blame me

Anyway, I took to the local city centre and asked people (of all ages and both sexes) the question
"How do you feel about the fact that escalators break?"

Here are some of the responses I got:
1. Aye, its reet frustrating when I cants get upstairs and haves to bend my knees. I blame the corporations for my arthritis. I'm sure they caused my athletes foot too
2. Escalator? Did he marry Demi Moore?
3. I don't mind because at the end of the day, I can still get to my destination. It's just annoying when I have to climb all them steps to get to the mother ship
4. GET AWAY FROM ME YOU ESCALATOR LOVING FREAK
5. What? What? What?
6. I don't care. I just think everything should be edible too

I think on the face of things, we can summise that people are crazy and the only one with half an ounce of sense are the children.

So, like any sensible scientist would, I went into a school and kidnapped 12 children and took them to the local shopping centre and let them loose on the escalators to see how quickly these 'Public Convieniences' would break

So there I was watching the children playing on the escalators, and if i'm honest, it was quite soothing. The playful cheers as they raced up and down, the glory of the kid who made it up to the top on an escalator that was travelling downwards. The screams of terror as one child decided to see if he could fit his head through to see what lay beyond the steps.

Of the 4 escalators tested, all of them broke and no-one seemed to care

Like any good responsible adult, I returned the remaining 7 children to their school relatively unharmed, and wrote letters of apology to the parents of the other 5

One little child even drew me this picture

In summary, and speaking as a fellow fat man, I have to say it is in the best interests of all parties concerned, if we dispose of escalators altogether. They make fat people fatter, they are the cause of athletes foot, and the less said about their impact on children the better.

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