Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. 
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel. 
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. 
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. 
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar 
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?" 
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove! 
Q. What doesn't belong in this list . Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. 
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. 
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. 
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal. 
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week. 
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! 
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me. 
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving. 
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever. 
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her. 
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife. 
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. 
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to. 
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable. 
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home. 
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning. 
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. 
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! 
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts. 
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. 
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter 
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." 
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. 
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette. 
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil. 
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. 
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving 
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week! 
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?" 
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck. 
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. 
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log. 
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on. 
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. 
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off! 
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes. 
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight! 
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. 
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself. 
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married. 
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins ! 
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. 
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. 
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went. 
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time. 
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions. 
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year! 
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up! 
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger. 
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it. 
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple. 
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders. 
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float. 
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. 
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire. 
Q. What?s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ. 
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets! 
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy 
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction. 
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating... 
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew). 
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time. 
Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you. 
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass. 
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged 
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie. 
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener. 
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice. 
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt 
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her. 
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. 
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. 
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down. 
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen? 
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor. 
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile. 
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over. 
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck. 
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. 
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands! 
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush. 
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant. 
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey" 
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri 
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down. 
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. 
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years. 
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead. 
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo 
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" brA. 
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls 
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out! 
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one. 
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk. 
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes. 
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times. 
Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you. 
Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!! 
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats 
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!" 
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs. 
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you 
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip! 
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip. 
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. 
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them. 
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff. 
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls 
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease. 
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming. 
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it. 
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything! 
Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job. 
Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. 
Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 
Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse. 
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring. 
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears. 
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear. 
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out. 
Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot. 
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends. 
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. 
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor. 
Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless. 
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrheA. 
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick 
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass. 
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside. 
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit. 
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls. 
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard. 
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung. 
Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick! 
Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone. 
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast 
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it. 
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything! 
Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job. 
Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. 
Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 
Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse. 
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring. 
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears. 
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear. 
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out. 
Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot. 
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends. 
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. 
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor. 
Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless. 
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrheA. 
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick 
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass. 
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside. 
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit. 
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls. 
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard. 
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung. 
Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick! 
Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone. 
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him! 
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees! 
Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. M?nage ? twat. 
Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps. 
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it. 
Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets. 
Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear. 
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery. 
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster! 
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof. 
Q. What's red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period. 
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair. 
Q. Define "Egghead."
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. 
Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face. 
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool! 
Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there. 
Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?" 
Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off. 
Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way. 
Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord 
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry. 
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs. 
Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. 
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. 
Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches. 
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes! 
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss. 
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie 
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean. 
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded. 
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months. 
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse. 
Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints' 
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball. 
Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".' 
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out  women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody. 
Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing. 
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from. 
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour? 
Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley. 
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger 
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. 
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. 
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!" 
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. 
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago." 
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay. 
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence! 
Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker! 
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough 
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming. 
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. Lickalotopuss. 
Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same. 
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic. 
Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp. 
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids. 
Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare. 
Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement. 
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister. 
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here! 
Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before. 
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car. 
Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks. 
Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter 
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator. 
Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms. 
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves. 
Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine. 
Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cunt Stubble. 
Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell. 
Q. What goes. "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube. 
Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt. 
Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows. 
Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced. 
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock. 
Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. 
Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A. Because "pot holder" was already taken. 
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm... 
Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? 
Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. 
Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker. 
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. 
Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards. 
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away. 
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them. 
Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music! 
Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want! 
Q. What is the difference between Iraq's air force and the United States' Air Force?
A. The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind. 
Q. What is the difference between growing old and growing up? 
A. Growing old is mandatory. 
Q. What do you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints! 
Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack. 
Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day. 
Q. Did you hear about the kid napping?
A. Yeah, he woke up! 
Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian". 
Q. What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A. Two gays with haemorrhoids. 
Q. Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A. They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock. 
Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo! 
Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love. 
Q. Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
A. The other 30% were sucked into it. 
Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A. "Leave it, it's Beaver." 
Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass. 
Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end. 
Q. How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A. All the good guys are hung. 
Q. Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can't get the laboratory mice to arse fuck. 
Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse. 
Q. Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A. They tried each other. 
Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud. 
Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding. 
Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose. 
Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual. 
Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts? 
A. GonorrhoeA. 
Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period. 
Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them. 
Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18. 
Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them. 
Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons. 
Q. Why did god give men penises?
A. So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up! 
Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
A. They hid their own eggs! 
Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock. 
Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded. 
Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex. 
Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off. 
Q. What's female Viagra?
A. Jewellery 
Q. What do you call an anorexic prostitute?
A. Lite & Easy 
Q. Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A. Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel. 
Q. What's the difference between the San Diego Padres and a Prostitute?
A. Nothing, they both suck! 
Q. Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
A. They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child. 
Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find. 
Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit 
Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed  doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush. 
Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off. 
Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once! 
Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
A. The Captains Dinghy! 
Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends! 
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in adolescence.
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift?
A. Exchange him. 
Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!" 
Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
A. Because you have to hollow the head out. 
Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker 
Q. What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
A. The aids team. 
Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period. 
Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies. 
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes. 
Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt 
Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
A. He fell off the ball washer! 
Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?
A. Footlongs 
Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears. 
Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
A. It's you, you fucking idiot! 
Q. What's the difference between big foot and your mom?
A. Your mom is better in bed. 
Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A. A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judg. 
Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? 
A. Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69. 
Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? 
A. A cock that stays up all night. 
Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. A rumor 
Q. Why do you never see chicken in underwear?
A. Because their peckers are on their face. 
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call. 
Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet. 
Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her) 
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room 
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Dougnuts.
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs. 
Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist. 
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting. 
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her. 
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again! 
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles 
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. 
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment. 
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute. 
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. 
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 
Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads. 
Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand! 
Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again! 
Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet! 
Q. What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?
A. I take my shoes of to jump on a trampoline
Q. What's worse then 10 dead babies nailed to one tree?
A. One dead baby nailed to 10 trees
Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
A. I don't have a Porsche in my garage 
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges? 
A. They kept trying each other. 
Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker! 
Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack 
Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography? 
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty. 
Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry. 
Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A. He was looking for pooh! 
Q. What did one tit say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts. 
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? 
A. When the kids are in college. 
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids! 
Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run?
A. Because the grass tickles their balls! 
Q. Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? 
A. They couldn't close his casket. 
Q. Which is the odd one out a woman, a microwave or a fridge/freezer?
A. The microwave, the other two leak when they're fucked! 
Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? 
A. Dicktator 
Q. How do you make a snooker table laugh.
A. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls. 
Q. What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
A. They both want to get there before the 'hair' does. 
Q. What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? 
A. Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
Q. How do you know a man is really a bad dancer? 
A. When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes. 
Q. What's a diaphragm?
A. A trampoline for dickheads.
Q. What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
A. The Hanger.
Q. What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof? 
A. Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.
Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.
Q. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A. A tearjerker.
Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?
A. 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
Q. How is a woman like a road?
A. Both have manholes.
Q. What's the the definition of a vagina?
A. The box a penis comes in. 
Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A. A scrotum pole! 
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... 
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? 
A. A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. 
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? 
A. Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work. 
Q. What do you call a very rude bird? 
A. A mockingbird!
Q. What is the definition of Confidence? 
A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? 
A. A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off 
Q. What do you call a woman who doesn't know how to make a sandwich?
A. Single.
Q. What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? 
A. The back of my hand. 
Q. What do you call a man at an abortion clinic?
A. Relieved.
Q. What do you call a woman that wears flip-flops in winter? 
A. Fat.
Q. What do you call a chubby girl on the phone? 
A. A teletubby.
Q. What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? 
A. E.T. eventually went home! 
Q. Do you know what's great for instant messages?
A. Baseball bats.
Q. How do you kill a circus clown? 
A. Go for the juggler! 
Q. What do you call a guy who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?
A. A bartender
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes. 
Q. Why do vegetarians give good head?
A. Because they are used to eating nuts!  
Q. What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job still sucks. 
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. 
Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. 
Q. Do you know what 6.9 is? 
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A. It got stuck in a crack
Q. Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A. Even thoughts can raise them. 
Q. What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A. A Quarter Pounder with Cheese 
Q. How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
A. He forgot to wrap his Whopper! 
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
A. Two Test-tickles 
Q. What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A. The more you play with them, the harder they get! 
Q. What does a perverted frog say?
A. Rubbit 
Q. Why did the snowman smile?
A. Because the snowblower was coming. 
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts! 
Q. What is the cheapest meat you can buy?
A. Deer balls. They're under a buck 
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually take the time to search for a golf ball 
Q. Why will a woman never be the one to propose?
A. As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants. 
Q. What does a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive? 
A. Her ankles.  
Q. How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A. Only half the congregation is kneeling 
Q. What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
A. Are you going to eat that? 
Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them. 
Q. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A. Snowballs.  
Q. What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?
A. Beat it, we're closed 
Q. Why did god invent alcohol?
A. So fat women can get laid too 
Q. What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A. a PDF File  
Q. What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A. A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.  
Q. What's green and smells like pork?
A. Kermit the frog's finger 
Q. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose. 
Q. What do you call an Italian hooker?
A. A Pasta-tute 
Q. Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A. Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand 
Q. Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito? 
A. When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.  
Q. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A. They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out." 
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy. 
Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A. They are both meat substitutes! 
Q. How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? 
A. She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles
Q. How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. By the taste 
Q. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? 
A. By becoming a ventriloquist! 
Q. Whats long, hard and full of seamen? 
A. A submarine 
Q. Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A. You can drop them off anywhere.  
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.  
Q. What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?
A. Tug-of-whore. 
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw. 
Q. What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in common?
A. Getting off once isn't enough 
Q. What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning ladies. 
Q. When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A. When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice 
Q. How is a woman like a road?
A. Both have manholes. 
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? 
A. Wiped his butt. 
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A. Her navel. 
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around. 
Q. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? 
A. A tearjerker. 
Q. What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?
A. One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. 
Q. Why can't you hear a psychologist using the bathroom?
A. Because the 'p' is silent! 
Q. What's better than roses on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ. 
Q. What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
A. Where you put the cucumber 
Q. What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A. A cherry float 
Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
A. Because his wife died 
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A. A liquor cabinet 
Q. What do girls and noodles have in common?
A. They both wiggle when you eat them 
Q. What's the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A. If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they. 
Q. Did you hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A. I guess he liked seasoned professionals. 
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A. A lickalotopis 
Q. What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A. E.T. eventually went home! 
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch. 
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me! 
Q. What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A. A virgin 
Q. What do you call two fat people talking?
A. A heavy discussion 
Q. What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A. A little get together. 
Q. What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
A. You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit. 
Q. What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. She gagged 
Q. How do you get Dick from Richard? How do you get Bill from William? how do you get bob from robert?
A. You ask him nicely. 
Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and it's down your chimney. 
Q. What does in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
A. Chewing gum 
Q. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
A. Because Ken came in another box 
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip! 
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt 
Q. What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby?
A. Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window 
Q. What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
A. The hockey player takes a shower after three periods. 
Q. What kind of bees make milk?
A. Boo-Bees 
Q. What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A. The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out 
Q. What do you call an expert fisherman?
A. A Master Baiter 
Q. What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine?
A. When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow him around. 
Q. What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?
A. Just trying to fit in 
Q. What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
A. When you finger her, you get your palm red for free. 
Q. Who's the biggest hoe in history?
A. Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies. 
Q. Did you hear about the short-sighted Moyle?
A. He got the sack 
Q. What do you call a cheap circumcism?
A. A rip-off 
Q. Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
A. He was shooting for the stars 
Q. What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? 
A. By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. 
Q. Why is being in the military like a BJ?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. 
Q. Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A. He keeps getting nailed to the boards.  
Q. What did the letter O say to Q?
A. Dude, your junk is hanging out.  
Q. What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A. A trip without the kids! 
Q. How do you know you have a high sperm count?
A. Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows. 
Q. What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?
A. Pimples don't come on a boy's face until they're 13. 
Q. What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
A. One smells like fish and has a moustache, and the other is a walrus. 
Q. What do priests and McDonalds have in common? 
A. They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns 
Q. What do you call crystal clear urine? 
A. 1080pee
Q. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A. For fingering A minor
Q. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A. They couldn't close his casket.
Q. What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
A. Their last big hit was the wall.
Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q. Whats the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A. Phelps can finish a race.
Q. Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
A. Because he wanted to find a tight seal
Q. Why don't orphans play baseball?
A. They don't know where home is.
Q. What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. How do you tell if a chick is too fat to sleep with?
A. When you pull her pants down her butt is still in them
Q. What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
A. Piccassole
Q. What do you call an afghan virgin?
A. Never bin laid on
Q. Whats 72?
A. 69 with three people watching
Q. What three words will ruin a man's ego?
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What's a adult actress' favorite drink?
A. 7 Up in cider.
Q. How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A. Pick it up and blow it!
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q. What do Asian people eat instead of chicken noodle soup?
A. Chicken Poodle soup