m01b

She is dead to my life. She has been a corpse to me for a long time, yet I kept her here, within me for a long time� breathing in the stench of her death, the stench of her love that was never really there, rotting ever since I met her. She has been rotting me for a long time. I throw her away from me now. I throw her away, and when she wants to come back I will throw her away again. She is dead today.

05/16/2001 23:09

What is all of this worth? I am here with her, and my heart still feels empty. It is like she doesn�t really want me here. What does she want? Why do I have to think and let this doubt creep into everything? Can�t I just sleep in peace at night, without wondering about all of this shit? All of this shit that eats me whole. I made it here and now I feel like it is just as awkward as where I was� perhaps I don�t belong here� here meaning in life. Maybe I am a trapped something on the wrong side of existence. Maybe I am the only one in the right place in existence. Could everyone else just be wayward passing shade in my plain? Am I the only real being here?� I feel like I have done something to anger her. Something doesn�t seem right. Like I am distant or she is distant or maybe we both are, and neither of us knows why.
Perhaps all of this shit� everything before this line� just boils down to my stupid insecurities in my mind. All of these bullshit things I play off of myself so I can put up with the everyday monotonies of life. Why do I keep this shell up even when I don�t need it? What is it helping me? It is just keeping everyone back�far away from the real person that is me. I know he is here. I look at him everyday. I guess I have almost reached the point of being sick of listening to myself talk about being alone and never doing anything about it. Sick of these damn dark thoughts, when I have a few people to leave the light on for me. Why do I have to let myself think and act this way? It is stupid of me to think that she doesn�t want me here. I feel kind of shitty that all I have to offer her was myself. There isn�t much here to give away anymore. Just my thoughts. Just my love. Just myself. That�s all I have? That�s all I have. Twenty one years of life and I have no fine material possessions to give away. All I have are these things inside of me, and some days it seems like so little, like I am the most inadequate man alive. I have nothing fine to give women, only myself. Nothing which is refined. To many rough edges some days, to many jagged points� to much everything, or perhaps too much of nothing. I just wish I had something more to offer her than myself. There are so many better people, yet at the same time so few better people in the world. I wish I had something more than this darkness to offer everyone. I really feel like I am ripping her off. She can offer me sunshine smiling from her face, and it seems that all I have in return is an apathetic grimace. Why do I have to shut everything up inside of myself? What purpose does it serve to let it all flow out onto paper at night, when I could just let it all out over the course of the day? A smile here, and a laugh there, letting everything fall into its rational right place instead of fucking up the natural order and keeping all of those little things to myself. I steal my sunshine away from the world. I hide it in a jar behind the bookshelf so that I can look at it myself later that day and see how pretty it was. Well what about when I should have shared it with Kelly? I should have given her the sunshine she deserved. It isn�t just mine. It belongs to those I love. It belongs to the vagabond in the street. It belongs to the people of my everyday life. It belongs to everyone but me, yet I keep it only for myself. I waste it everyday on these fucking blank pages, blank pages that should have never seen my pen, if I truly lived for today. If I said what I felt, and loved my life for every sweet drop of nectar that it feeds me I wouldn�t need these blank pages. If I lived, I wouldn�t have to live out my life on this piece of paper now.
Why can�t I sleep? Maybe it is because I live on paper, and I keep all of the smiles on the inside, wasting them on blank white glaring pages in stead of using them to brighten my fellow persons soul. It doesn�t matter if they think, or they don�t, if they see the truths that life puts before them or not. None of those things matter. I share the little I have, but unfortunately I keep the best part of me for myself. Why won�t I let all of this unrefined emotion waltz into some woman�s life and carry her away? Why not? If I am rejected I can live to see tomorrow, that rejection wouldn�t be the entire human race saying no to me, just that one person. And if I regret letting someone know me tomorrow, it will be tomorrow and in my past anyways. I should live my life. I should love my life, and love all things around me. Damn the darkness, let it flow away from me. I can keep the little darkness I need, because a little darkness is good for a soul. A little darkness makes a man think, but everything beyond that little bit of darkness should fall away from me.

I am here. I want to be here.

Around people like me. Around people I like. Around people who like me.

Don�t question.

Don�t worry.

Start living the day, and not a blank page at night. The only enemy I have to fear is the things that I don�t share with the day, the things that I let manifest within my soul.

Breathe.

Breathe deeply.

Don�t fear the loneliness of the night. Sleep alone, and one day you will not.

Be alone. Be alone, and know one day you will not.

Dream. Dream and one day you will see those things in your life.

Have hope. Fall asleep with hope at night. Dream with hope.

All things that were meant to pass, in turn, and in time will pass. Loneliness will fade. Despair will fade. All things with time will fade. Life is today, and nothing will fade until death. Death is tomorrow. Maybe it is literately tomorrow, the next sunrise, or one hundred sunrises, or even one thousand sunrises away, but when you wake, and see the sunlight, there is another life, and another day open before you.

00:48 05-28-2001