| I was almost in tears. I looked at her, and I loved her, but I knew she didn�t love me now. It took me hell and high water to get her here, and now I am crying like a lost child. My eyes stung because I was trying to hold the tears back so hard. I couldn�t. I didn�t want her to see me like this. It isn�t right for a woman to see tears in a mans eyes. I looked at her face. I saw her lips moving, and I heard words coming out assaulting my ears, but they made no sense. She spoke in Greek, and I didn�t understand a word. A tear fell from my eyes, tracing a path down to the corner of my mouth. I didn�t know what to say. The sound was stopped in my throat. I looked at her. She looked at me. I wanted to fix everything that was wrong. I wanted to fix our love. It used to be here, here within me, here within her. Now it was gone. Like everything else, it faded on the wind. It blew away to deaf ears and blind eyes. She turns her back to me. More tears roll. She can no longer see me it doesn�t matter anymore. I sit and look at the faded stars. Looking for something that is actually alive among the graveyard of the night. I only see stars. 04/03/01 01:46:09 AM |
| I know people love me, but I fear that I am not worthy of their love. Love is a funny thing. I know I have love inside of me, but it seems that the love I have is always geared towards the people who are bad for me. In the beginning I feel like I could never be worthy of being loved by that person. Then I have to build up and tell myself that I am worthy of them. Then by the end of everything I always end up learning that too much love kills love. How can something kill itself? What if I am spending my love on the wrong people? I feel like I am so below everyone else. I am at the bottom of the world. I pick up all of the trash that everyone else drops, and I look at all things and I see beauty in almost everything. All of the broken thoughts that are down here they can become something. I could become something. I could become someone. If I became someone who would be down here at the bottom? Who would keep all of these bottom thoughts? Who would be the keeper of the lost thoughts? All of these bad thoughts, I try to keep them. Maybe if I keep them no one else will have to have them. Am I damning myself by keeping all of this baggage? Am I damning myself by staying here at the bottom? I don�t think anyone knows I am down here. I am just waiting, and holding all of these things. All of these thoughts that no one else wants. There is so much down here, but only one person to hold it all. I hold all of the hate, all of the careless unrequited love, all of the broken hope, all of the broken dreams, and all of the empty promises, all of it within me, so maybe no one else will have to suffer them. Am I taking on to much by staying here and holding all of this? Maybe I am afraid to let someone else love me, because I don�t want to shrug off any of this burden onto anyone else. Who helps Atlas? Could Atlas love, and still hold the world? Or would she, whoever she might be, help Atlas hold the world without asking? Who helps Atlas? Who loves Atlas? Who even thinks of Atlas, as he holds everything so that balance should exist? Who helps Atlas? 04/04/01 00:02:58 |
| I stood outside waiting. The clouds were gathering on the horizon. I was waiting for the rain. I knew that if someone I knew was here with me, she would be waiting here with me too. I looked at the billowing black mass of clouds. It turned and pulled apart then drove itself back together. She would be watching this too. I sit on the cool green grass and I wait as the clouds seem to fill with rain. Black bottoms to dark blue to white tops. I wait till I can only see black. I look up from the green grass and a single drop struck me in the head. I could smell the rain. It smelled beautiful. As it rained harder I let myself be soaked. I was cold on the warm may day. I waited, and I didn�t know what I waited for. I waited, and I watched and I don�t know what happened but I felt warm all of the sudden. 04/09/2001 01:41:27 |
| these arnt exactly in order, but you get the idea... they are just my random thoughts. |
| She stood on the shore. I couldn�t see her face, but I could see her hand pulled across her chest, and up to her neck. I knew that her fingers wrapped around the cold bone necklace that she wore, twisting the circular pieces of bone, to turn away some thought that she wished to vanish from her mind. I looked over her shoulder as the sun touched the water to begin to retreat and bring on the night. She looked thoughtfully to the sea, and to the sun. I walked up behind her, and set my hand softly on her shoulder. She turned, and smiled. I smiled back silently. We need not say anything, we both knew what it was. I looked out at the sinking sun, and saw the water shimmer from red to yellow to gold. I turned my eyes over to look at her in the dieing sunlight and saw shimmering eyes looking up at the blanket of the night unfolding above us. I look out to the water, and saw a boat sailing into the sunset. A very happy person escaping the world, out into the pacific, with no clouds to block their navigation, and no waves to rock their ship. I looked at the boat and wanted to be there with whoever was there. I looked again at her. Her shimmering eyes looked at me and directed me to look up at the blanket of the night that was now reaching across the sky. I saw the stars, two stars close together, almost touching, but far enough apart to not be together. I reached out for her hand and it was there. I breathed and looked to the fading sun. The sun that was leaving me the night, and bringing me a star. 04/12/2001 04:35 |