| 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU Walter: Hello, Katarina. Make anybody cry today? Kat: Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30. Michael: Sweet love, renew thy force. Patrick: Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you. Walter: I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl today, and you know what she said to me? Bianca: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeezy boyfriend wear a condom"? Walter: Close, she said "I should have listened to my father." Bianca: She did not. Walter: Well, that's what should would have said if she wasn't so doped up. A HARD DAY'S NIGHT Reporter: Tell me, how did you find America? John: Turned left at Greenland. Man: Don't take that tone with me young man. I fought the war for your sort. Ringo: I bet you're sorry you won. ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE Ronald: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace. Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed. Lois: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone! Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have. THE ADDAMS FAMILY Pugsley: Are they dead? Wednesday: Does it matter? ANALYZE THIS Paul Viti: If I turn fag, you die. ANGER MANAGEMENT Buddy: In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three or four men to share a bed. Dave: That's why I'm proud to be an American. ARMAGEDDON Harry: The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no? Harry: That's not a choice, it's a lack of option. Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right? Dan: Yes, yes that's right, that's right. Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape. A.J.: You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg. Rockhound: You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it? BEING JOHN MALKOVICH Charlie: Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one? Craig: The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir. Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you. BIG DADDY Sonny: Having a kid is great . . . as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking. CASABLANCA Major Strasser: What is your nationality? Rick Blaine: I'm a drunkard. Capt. Louis Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world. CHICAGO Roxie Hart: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Mama Morton: Dearie, you're talking to the wrong people. Billy Flynn: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently. Roxie Hart: God that's beautiful! Billy Flynn: Cut out God. Stay where you're better acquainted. Mama Morton: In this town, murder's a form of entertainment. CLUE Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations. Wadsworth: Well your work has not changed Col. Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is no body else in this house? Wadsworth: Ummm, no. Col. Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house? Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said no meaning yes. Col. Mustard: No meaning yes? Look I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there? Yes or no? Wadsworth: Ummm, no. Col. Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't? Wadsworth: Yes. CON-AIR Garland What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years at the end of which they tell you to piss off; ending up in some retirement village hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time? Wouldn't you consider that to be insane? Vince: Are you with me or do you need me to draw it in crayon like usual? William: Have you lost your mind? Cyrus: According to my last psych evaluation, Yes. Baby O: What's wrong with him? Cameron Poe: My first guess would be . . . a lot. Vince: If you can't trust a South American drug lord, who can you trust? . . . that was a joke. Cameron Poe: I'm glad you told me. DEAD POETS SOCIETY Keating: Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone. DUMB & DUMBER Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND (tv) Frank: What in the holy name of crap are you talking about? Debra: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment. Ray: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy. Debra: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month. Ray: I loved that place. Ray: This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan. Frank: It's called protecting your sandwich! Debra: Ray, don't you say one more word or I'm gonna send your mother back in here to smack the crap out of you. Ray: That's the restaurant where the crazy old Chinese lady yells at you while you're leaving, right? Debra: You know what she's yelling, right? Ray: Yeah, 'habanadah!' Debra: She's saying 'have a nice day.' Ray: Oh . . . well, maybe she isn't crazy. [Frank is eating lasagna from the platter] Marie: Frank! What are you doing?! You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it! Frank: That's all I have to do?! In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too! Ray: [comes in] Hey. Marie: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream. Frank: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake. Marie: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory! [Frank sticks Marie with the fork] Marie: Hey! Frank: What? That's a compliment. Ray: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house... Frank: What if I wanted to have more kids? Ray: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will. FIELD OF DREAMS Ray Kinsella: It's okay, honey. I . . . I was just talking to the cornfield. Terence Mann: Ray, people will come Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it's money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered they're heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. And the memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh,.. people will come Ray. People will most definitely come. Terence Mann: I'm going to beat your head in with a crowbar until you go away! Ray Kinsella: You can't do that! Terence Mann: Oh no, there are no rules here. Ray Kinsella: But . . . but you're a pacifist! Terence Mann: Shit. Shoeless Joe Jackson: Is this heaven? Ray Kinsella: No, it's Iowa. Archie "Moonlight" Graham: Well, you know I... I never got to bat in the major leagues. I would have liked to have had that chance. Just once. To stare down a big league pitcher. To stare him down, and just as he goes into his windup, wink. Make him think you know something he doesn't. That's what I wish for. Chance to squint at a sky so blue that it hurts your eyes just to look at it. To feel the tingling in your arm as you connect with the ball. To run the bases -- stretch a double into a triple, and flop face-first into third, wrap your arms around the bag. That's my wish, Ray Kinsella. That's my wish. And is there enough magic out there in the moonlight to make this dream come true? FRIENDS (tv) Joey: I may only have a couple of drinks in me, but I love you man! Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. Joey(playing poker): I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. Monica: The camera added on ten pounds. Chandler: How many cameras were actually on you? HALF-BAKED Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Das ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make smores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons. Kenny: That's it? HERCULES (disney) Zeus: So Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld? Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead people, what are you gonna do? HOOK Smee: I just had an apostrophe. Captain Hook: I think you mean an epiphany. Smee: Lightning just struck my brain. Captain Hook: That must hurt. Capt. Hook: No stopping me this time, Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step. My finger's on the trigger. Don't try to stop me, Smee! Smee: On, not again. Captain James Hook: This is it. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee! Don't try to stop me this time, Smee! Don't you dare try to stop me this time, Smee, try to stop me. Smee, you'd better get up off your ass! Get over here, Smee! Smee: I'm coming! I'm coming! Captain James Hook: Stop me! This is not a joke! I'm committing suicide! . . . . . don't ever fight me like that again! Smee: I'm sorry. Captain James Hook: Are you some kind of a sadist? Peter Banning: What in the hell's the matter with you?! When will you stop acting like a child?! Jack: I am a child. Tinkerbell: You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting. Peter: I bet you don't even have a fourth grade reading level. Rufio: Hemorrhoidal suck naval! Peter: Or maybe a fifth grade reading level. Peter Pan: Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer! Peter: Wow! Brad, hi, you been holding this long? Uh huh. Neverland. Lost Boys. Jim Hook, duel to the death, I'll tell you about it later. I'd love to chat, but I gotta climb a drain pipe right now. Why? Because I ran out of fairy dust, if not I would've flown up. JURASSIC PARK Ian: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Ellie: Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth. Alan: You married? Ian: Occasionally. Ian: Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should. LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, A Mae Mordabito: Hi, my name's Mae, and that's more than a name, that's an attitude. Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother. Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on? Mae Mordabito: What if at a key moment in the game my, my uniform bursts open and, uh, oops!, my bosoms come flying out? That, that might draw a crowd, right? Doris Murphy: You think there are men in this country who ain't seen your bosoms? Jimmy Dugan: Well I was just wonderin' why you would throw home when we got a two-run lead! You let the tying run get on second base and we lost the lead because of you! Start using your head. That's the lump that's three feet above your ass! . . . . Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying, there's no crying in baseball! Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit! And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game! And did I cry? NO! NO! And do you know why? Evelyn Gardner: No, no, no. Jimmy Dugan: Because there's no crying in baseball! LIAR LIAR Receptionist: Do you like my new dress? Fletcher Reede: Whatever takes the focus off your head. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING Elrond: Nine companions, so be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. Pippin: Great! Where are we going? Pippin: Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of . . . mission . . . quest . . . thing. Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip. LOVE ACTUALLY Daniel: Tell her that you love her. You've got nothing to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't. Colin: I'm on Shag Highway heading West! Daniel: Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse. Sam: Worse then the total agony of being in love? Daniel: . . . oh yeah, you're right. Total agony. Harry: Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you've been working here? Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours? Harry: Right. And how long have you been in love with Karl? Sarah: Sorry? Harry: How long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer? Sarah: Ahm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, and hour and thirty minutes. Harry: I thought as much. Sarah: Do you think everybody knows? Harry: Yes. Sarah: Do you think Karl knows? Harry: Yes. Sarah: That is bad news. Harry: I just think perhaps now is the time to do something about it. Sarah: Right. What sort of thing did you have in mind? Harry: How about ask him for a drink, and then maybe after twenty minutes casually slip into the conversation the fact that you love him totally and would like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies. Sarah: You know that? Harry: Yes. And so does Karl. Think about it. For all our sakes. Sarah: Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss. Billy Mack: Kids, this is a message from your Uncle Billy. Don't buy drugs. Wait until you're a rock star, and they give them to you for free! Prime Minister: Right. Goodness. Well, well. You know, being Prime Minister, I could just have him killed. Colin: I am Colin. God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all. LOVE & DEATH Boris Grushenko: The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. MAJOR PAYNE Major Payne: What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie? Woliger: No, sir. Major Payne: Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry. Kevin 'Tiger': Major Payne! I have to go to the bathroom. Major Payne: You hold it, turd! Kevin 'Tiger': I can't! Major Payne: You hold it or else I'll break it off and kick it around on the ground!! MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE (tv) Malcolm: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a really powerful stink bomb. My hands look wrong enough. Malcolm: Apparently the difference between a stink bomb and a Level 3 toxic biohazard is two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I am totally suing that Web site. Malcolm: What d'you do if he catches you? Dewey: Roll in a ball. Malcolm: What if he starts kicking you? Dewey: Stay in a ball. Malcolm: I did the math once; it turns out, every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together. Malcolm: This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I'd only see half. Lois: Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over. Dewey: Does this means Reese's a girl now? Malcolm: No Dewey, he's a lady. Reese: Shut up. Malcolm: Yes Ma'am. Malcolm: What happened to this book? Reese: I threw it at a duck. Malcolm: Okay, so where's your math book? Reese: Which half? Malcolm: Let's just start with Geography. Reese: I don't TAKE Geography! Malcolm: Yeah you do, you got a grade in it. Reese: Oh, that can't be good. Malcolm: I have social skills, jackass! Reese: How was I supposed to know you can't keep a squirrel in your locker? They should put up a sign, I can't read minds! Lois: Hey Francis. How's school? Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, mom! My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around. Lois: Malcolm, what are you walking like that? Malcolm: My side still hurts. Lois: But it's the weekend. Reese: Dewey! I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money! There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody! I knew that everybody must have an evil twin! Dewey: He's my evil twin? Reese: No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin. Dewey: But, I don't want to be an evil twin! Reese: Dewey, shut up! This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas. Francis: Oh, great, a one-way street! How does that work if I'm going backwards? Piama: My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit to eat the crap between your toes. Someone ought to cut that woman's belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails. MEET THE PARENTS Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that. Greg Focker: I got it. Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit. Greg: No, no, I'm not--hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay? Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir. Greg: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay? Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage... Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there? Flight Attendant: No . . . Greg: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION! MONTY PYTHON & THE HOLY GRAIL French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! THE MUMMY Evelyn: Look, I... I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, Mr. O'Connell! But I am proud of what I am! Rick: And what is that? Evelyn: I . . . am a librarian! Beni: It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path. Evelyn: You lied to me! Jonathan: I lie to everyone, what makes you so special? Evelyn: I'm your sister! Jonathan: That just makes you more gullible. Winston: What's the plan? Rick: Rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy, save the world. Evelyn: Um, by the way, why did you kiss me? Rick: Heh, I don't know, I was about to be hanged, it seemed like a good idea at the time. THE MUMMY RETURNS Izzy: Every time I hook up with you, I get shot! Last time I got shot in the ass! MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING George: It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy. George: Kindred spirits, eh? Julianne: No, he's nothing like me. He's like you, actually, only straight. Julianne: I'm pond scum. Well, lower actually. I'm like the fungus that feeds on pond scum. Michael: Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum. On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. It's pretty flattering. Julianne: Except it makes me fungus. MYSTERY MEN Mr. Furious: Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your . . . butt. The Sphinx: You must be like wolf pack, not six-pack. The Bowler: Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you wanna keep fighting evil today. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY Dexter: I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wifes. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Elizabeth Swann: That's it, then? That's the secret? The grand adventure? You spent three days lying on the beach drinking rum. Jack Sparrow: Welcome to the Caribbean, luv. Jack Sparrow: A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around! Barbossa: How did you get off that island? Jack Sparrow: When you marooned me on that god forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Jack Sparrow: Do us a favor . .. I know it's difficult for you . . . but please, stay here, and try not to do anything . . . stupid. THE PRINCESS BRIDE Inigo Montoya: I do not mean to pry, but you don�t by any chance happen to have six fingers on you right hand? Wesley: Do you always begin conversations this way? PROBLEM CHILD Junior: Those are Roy's kids. They're sharing a brain. The one on the end has it today. PROBLEM CHILD 2 Trixie: I wouldn�t do that if I were you. Junior: If I were you, I wouldn�t do a lot of things. Like go out in public. THE REF Murray: Gus? Gus: What? Murray: When are we gonna open presents? Gus: Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We'll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking can. And you're gonna crawl in it. Then I'm gonna get 2 pounds of gunpowder and I'm gonna shoot you right out of Jersey! And then I'm gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body & put them in a plastic bag. Then I'm gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I'm gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown special with your ashes burning and warming MY HOUSE! AGH! Lloyd: She's my mother. Gus: She's a fucking Bitch, Lloyd. Gus: You know what this family needs? A mute. Lloyd: You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it. Gus: Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell. Gus: I hijacked my fucking parents. ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it? Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century. Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"? Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse." Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change! Prince John: And why would the people listen to you? Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent. Scarlet: Fix your boobs; you look like a bleedin' Picasso! RUSH HOUR Carter: This is the LAPD. We're the most hated cops in all the free world. My own mama's ashamed of me. She tells everybody I'm a drug dealer. THE SANTA CLAUSE Scott Calvin: And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there�s no Santa Claus. I think if we�re going to destroy our son�s illusions, I should be a part of it. SCRUBS (tv) Chris Turk: Dude, be whiter. SPACE BALLS Dark Helmet: There is something you should know. I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Lone Star: So what does that make us? Dark Helmet: Nothing! Which is what you are about to become. WILL & GRACE (tv) Jack: Ladies and gentelmen, fresh from 45 minutes of butt-robics, I give you my ass. Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay. Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless? Karen: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me? Karen: Where the hell have you been? Rosario: Riding a llama in Neverland. Jack: I can't believe I'm 30. Do you know how much that is in gay years? Karen: Where the hell are my slippers? Rosario: Have you looked up your ass, you drunken fool? MICELLANEOUS Emerson: Beauty is it's own excuse for being. Alain Rene Lasage: All men love to appropriate the belongings of others. It is a universal desire; only the manner of doing it differs. Thomas Fuller: Always set a thief to catch a thief. : All fame is dangerous Wordsworth: Fair as a star, when only one is shining in the sky. Song of Solomon: Love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave. ?: A man's character is his destiny. ~Simply Irresistable~ Nora Roberts: Accountants are like cops; you're always going to need them. ~Sacred Sins~ Henri Bergson: The present contains nothing more than the past; and what is found in the effect was already in teh cause. Shakespeare?: Desire hath no rest. :What wound did ever heal but by degrees? Proverbs: Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy? Henry David Thoreau: It takes two to speak the truth-one to speak and another to hear. Samuel Johnson: All power of fancy over reason is a degree of insanity. Revelation: He who has understanding, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. |
| Once in while I come across a quote that makes me laugh. Or makes me think. Or might even change might point of view on something. Well this is my quotes page. Most quotes are from movies, others are from famous people or TV shows, and others are from ordinary people. If you like a quote or quotes, feel free to send them to me, here. Just make sure the quotes is accurate and remember to tell me who is was that said the quote. If it's from a movie, tell me what movie it's from, too. |
 |
|
|
 |