Gulorformed
By Matthew Green


Zeerok stepped out of the lander onto the barren red soil and drove the flag into the ground.

"I claim this planet on behalf of the Gulorgat nation," said he, proudly, "and I name this place ‘Snickers’."

"Bravo," said his second in command, Fuzz, who was munching on a chocolate bar. "Let’s get terraforming then."

"Now I don’t believe we particularly want Snickers to have an environment like that of Terra Firma, now do we?" cautioned Zeerok.

"Okay," said Fuzz, "let’s get gulorforming, then!"

And that’s exactly what they did.

Captain Fred Sandstone looked out through the forward viewport, unto the red wonder that is Mars.

"Think about it," he said to nobody in particular, "we are to be the first people ever to set foot upon the red planet! This is indeed a momentous occasion."

"Sorry to interrupt your profound moment captain," said an unnamed extra who was manning the scanners, "but I’m getting a bizarre reading from this atmosphere composition analysing thingy."

"And what might that be?" said Fred, who wasn’t prepared to let even a rain of men spoil his parade.

"According to this, and correct me if I’m wrong, the atmosphere seems to consist of mainly oxygen, with smidgens of argon and neon, at an atmospheric density comparable to that of Earth."

"So?" said Sandstone, whose dense career military mind prevented him from assimilating any scientific information whatsoever.

"So," said the scanner manner in the patient tones of one talking to a small child, "a few months ago, when we left Earth, the atmosphere of this planet consisted of a comparably sparse layer of carbon dioxide. But now it has a significantly higher oxygen content than Earth, being that there it’s only twenty percent oxygen, but here (on Mars), it’s ninety nine point nine recurring percent oxygen."

The captain considered this for a moment.

"What you’re saying," he hazarded slowly, "is that something funky has been going on here."

"Precisely."

"Looks like an opportunity for some carnage," said Sandstone, his already high-as-a-kite mood improving immensely, "take us down."

The pilot groaned inwardly, and steered the space craft towards its designated landing position.

While in the process of landing, the ship’s scanners detected the presence of an alien city on the surface of the planet. It was twenty miles from the landing co-ordinates. Sandstone travelled there at an easy stroll, made easier by Mars’s gravity of one third of a gee.

Fred sandstone was greeted at the city limits by what appeared to be a small alien octopus.

"Why are you here?" demanded Zeerok, in as menacing a manner as it is possible for a two foot tall entity to achieve.

"We come in peace," said Fred, "we were hoping to colonise your planet."

This startled Zeerok immensely.

"You mean Gulurus? I’m afraid it’s already occupied."

"Ahh, so Gulurus is what you call this place then."

"It most certainly is not!" said Zeerok, who was shocked and appalled, "we call this place Snickers."

Several minutes passed while the pieces fell into place.

"You’re telling me that you don’t come from this planet?" Sandstone fumed.

"Of course not," said Zeerok, as if it was blatantly obvious, "we colonised Snickers ourselves but a few weeks ago."

"This is our planet!" Fred yelled, "We have been planning colonisation for a hundred years! We were going to build big glass domes, and everything!"
"Glass domes? You really are savages. Anyway, that’s tough luck, we got here first, see?" said Zeerok, "So you can just scoot off back to Terra Firma and leave us in peace."

Before Fred had chance to deliver his witty retort (a swift kick in the head for Zeerok), there came a rumbling from directly below. The ground exploded outwards, and up from the hole stepped a large yeti-like creature.

The yeti stood for a moment, seeming to relish the air which surrounded it. It turned to Zeerok and said, in an altogether pleasant voice: "You have restored out atmosphere to its former glory, much obliged," it continued, "now if you don’t mind, please leave this planet before we beat the blue blazes out of the lot of y’."

Fred hastened his retreat as he espied more Martians emerging from the underground caverns, some of them carrying planks with nails in them.

As the unnamed spacecraft accelerated to escape velocity, Fred Sandstone stared through the forward viewport at the planet of dispute. He had no idea how long the war between the extra solar system aliens and the Martians would last, but he did know that the Terrans should be nowhere near while it was going on.

"The natives are revolting," he said, to nobody in particular.

"I know what you mean," said the scanner manner, "but it’s entirely unfair to compare them to human values."



The End

