THE RAINFALL OF ANOTHER PLANET
Colin Camberhey



Ambassador elect Rangor Rubich walked across the deserted area of the spaceport with a mixture of pride and apprehension. This was to be his first posting as an ambassador and he was also the first ambassador to the mysterious planet of Renobeno. 

Little was known of Renobeno, which until recently had maintained a totally closed society. Surprisingly, it was a suggestion from Renobeno itself that an ambassador should be established on their planet. 

There were no regular flights to Renobeno and the only craft allowed to land there was their only space-ship which was housed in this, their private and rather derelict area of the spaceport. 

Following directions, he approached the entrance to a large bunker. Their ship was housed underground, much in keeping with the Renobeno obsession for secrecy. 

In the midst of all this stark man made environment, a solitary tree stood by the entrance to the bunker. Rangor paused to study the tree, so out of keeping in this desolation. 

He gasped in horror as a pair of large, sad brown eyes appeared in the trunk of the tree; they studied him for a few seconds, then a full sensuous mouth appeared a little below them. 

"What tree are you?" it whispered at him. 

It was gone. Rangor rubbed his eyes. Now there was just the bark on the trunk again. Feeling a little uneasy, he entered the bunker and began to descend down a flight of stairs. The carpet on the stairs was covered with dust and full of holes. 

He descended into a reception area. A fire burned fiercely in a grate on the side wall. It had not been maintained for some time and ashes had spilled out onto the carpet, which was in the same poor state of repair as the one on the stairs. 

There were two chairs and a settee, all of which were covered in dust, the covers threadbare and in places gaping open to reveal holes eaten away into the stuffing below. 

The walls were covered in graffiti. much of it misspelt. 

Rangor shrugged in a bemused manner and walked quickly over to the far wall and stopped in front of the security camera, which scanned his face and, recognising his image, opened the door. 

He walked down a dimly lit grey walled corridor until he reached an airlock. Again, he presented himself for inspection and the door opened. 

He waited for the outer lock to close and the inner one to open. Then Rangor entered through the opened inner 'lock and was greeted by a tall, well built man with a tanned face and black hair combed tightly back. He held out his hand. "Captain Smoothrichbastard Haha at your service, sir," he announced. There were three other people in the cabin. "Let me introduce you," he said with a flourish, waving his hand in the direction of an attractive middle aged woman, whose bright eyes shone a little wildly. "This is Alisia Won'tseeherlikeagain." She gave an exaggerated curtsy and began to giggle. He turned and pointed at a small plump man in dirty overalls. "That's Dannyboy Ohdannyboy, the engineer. Now sir," he enquired, turning back to Rangor. Where do you want to go?" 

"Renobeno," Rangor replied. 

"Renobeno," the Captain mused. "Very well," he decided. "Dannyboy, power the pipes, we leave at once!" 

Alisia began to sing and jig:
"We're going to Renobeno,
To Renobeno fair,
I'll blow up Renobeno,
And put it in my hair."


Dannyboy joined in:
"I'm Dannyboy, I power the ship,
I guide it through my pipes,
We travel very fast through space,
Beyond the speeds of light."


The Captain burst into song himself:
"My name is Captain Haha,
I'm handsome, proud and gay,
It's no use trying to change me,
'Cos I've always been that way."


Alisia and Dannyboy joined together in response:
"It's no use trying to change him,
'Cos he's always been that way."


He then began to tap dance; his feet moving with amazing speed, the tapping almost sounding like words, yet despite their speed were slow and mournful. Then he suddenly grabbed hold of Rangor. "Shall we dance?" he asked. Not waiting for a reply, he waltzed round the room at maniacal speed, with Rangor in tow. 

The Captain's unwilling dancing partner was finally released and staggered back against the wall, feeling dizzy. He looked at the fourth member in the room, a girl in black leathers, her face concealed with a black helmet. "Who is that?" he gasped to the Captain, who ignored him. 

"That's Sgt Handsup Commando," Alisia giggled. 

The girl approached him. "As soon as we return to sanity," she announced, "you're under arrest." 

"What for?" Rangor asked, taken aback. Her voice was the same as the face in the tree! 

"Conspiracy to defraud reality," she announced. 

He stared through the smoked glass in her visor screen. He could just make out a vague outline of two large, sad, dark eyes. 

"What tree are you?" he blurted out, not knowing why he said it. The girl gasped and vanished. Alisia clapped her hands in delight. The Captain had ignored both the girl's presence and departure. 

"Are there any other passengers on board this craft?" he asked the Haha, who shook his head. 

"There's Elvira though," Allisia said spitefully. She burst into song again:
"Her name it is Elvira,
She doesn't do a thing,
She doesn't work, she doesn't dance,
She doesn't even sing."


"Elvira Toobeautifultosing," a cool voice announced from the far doorway. Rangor gasped, she was beautiful, the perfect girl; perfect in every way! "Come to my cabin," she said, motioning him forward. 

Wordlessly, Rangor walked across the room and followed the girl, Elvira as she gracefully strolled down the corridor. She opened a door, waiting for him in the entrance. He followed her in. 

"You love me, of course," Elvira stated. Rangor nodded wordlessly. "You may kiss me," she added. He did. Again and again with increasing passion. He wanted her. 

Elvira stepped back and with a coy smile, released the catch on her gown, it began to fall away from her shoulders; her breasts were as perfect as her face. She held the material across her hips for a few moments, then let it slide away. She stood before him totally naked. 

Rangor gasped in horror and backed away. "You're a - transsexual," he breathed. 

"I am the Elvira you so desperately wanted just now," she countered, sensing his dismay. 

"No, no, I'm sorry," he said, "sorry, I can't..." 

Sadness crossed her face. "I want to be a woman," she sobbed, "but the Captain owns me. He makes me stay as I am." She picked up the robe and covered herself. 

Rangor felt the cold metal of a blaster pressed into his neck. "You're under arrest," the voice stated. 

He turned to look down the barrel of Sgt Commando's gun. "What tree are you?" he repeated, hoping she would disappear again. 

"A pine," she replied coldly. "I can't be tricked like that twice," she explained. "A pine. I pine, that's why my eyes are so sad," she added answering the question that had just formed in his mind. 

He tried to remain impassive as he saw Captain Haha appear behind the girl. Haha lopped off her head with a laser saw before she realised what was happening. It fell to the floor with a dull wooden thud. 

"Twenty five," the Captain stated, staring at the top of the now immobile body. "Twenty five years old. Twenty five rings in the trunk, see." 

Rangor looked in horror, but there was no blood, just the base of her wooden neck. He ran his hands over it. Wood. 

Rangor pointed at Elvira. "Is this true, you will not let her be a woman?" 

"She is what she is," Haha replied coldly. "It's no use trying to change her, she's always been that way." His mood lightened. "Come, let us return to the main cabin." 

As they re-entered the room, Dannyboy leapt from his seat. "Captain," he announced, "we are about to enter Renobeno territorial space." 

"All stand for the Renobeno National Anthem," Captain Haha stated. He began to sing: 

"Gabber, gabber, gabber, gabber,
Gabber, gabber, gon,
Gabber, gabber, gabber, gabber,
Wong, wong wong."


"Onglybongly, onglybongly,
Onglybongly oot,
Onglybongly onglybongly,
Woot, woot, woot."


Suddenly Rangor burst into song himself: 

"Igglybiggly, igglybiggly,
Igglybiggly yong,
Igglybiggly igglybiggly,
Zong, zong, zong."


A deathly hush fell over the room. 

"Sacrilege," Captain Haha cursed. "You dare to defile the Renobeno National Anthem in such a way!" 

Sgt Commando appeared beside him. Her head was now replaced by a giant fir cone. "You're under arrest for sacrilege," she stated. 

Rangor covered his ears and screamed. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

The face on the hologram of the Sector Commander was red with rage as he faced the Controller of Machines and the Assemblage of Supervisors of Machines of Renobeno. 

"This is an outrage," he blustered, "it goes against all the rules of intergalactic diplomacy. You have no right to refuse entry to our Ambassador." 

"You have seen the holovid yourself," the Controller replied imperiously. "He entered the Mind Room and that is what happened. Renobeno is an ancient, proud and delicately balanced society. We cannot allow entry to anyone who I consider may upset that balance. Entry to your diplomat will continue to be refused." 

"You have no right to act in this manner. Your actions have no foundation in law. I will not let this matter rest. You will change your attitude or else," the Sector Commander warned. 

"It's no use trying to change me," The Controller replied. "I've always been this way." 

The Commander cursed and broke the connection. His hologram image faded. The Assemblage of Supervisors of Machines turned as one in exact synchronisation and faced the Controller. They sang, everyone in perfect harmony: 

"It's no use trying to change him, 'cos he's always been that way." 


 