Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry: "Jenna's like me. She's very..."
George: "Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?"
Jerry: "I'll take fastidious."

Jerry: "You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet just to get this flounder?"
Elaine: "It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser."

George: "I just have to do all the jack-hammering myself."
Jerry: "Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labor fantasy camp."

Elaine: "Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?"
Jerry: "A healthy person."

Jerry: "I still can't believe you're going out on a blind date."
Elaine: "I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking."
Jerry: "You're going by sound? What are we, whales?"

Elaine: "So, what you are saying is that ninety to ninety-five percent of the population is undateable?"
Jerry: "Undateable!"
Elaine: "Then how are all these people getting together?"
Jerry: "Alcohol."

George: "I'm not taking a cab."
Jerry: "I'll pay for it."
George: "It's not the money."
Jerry: "Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The speed? The convenience?"

Newman: "Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker."

George: "I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?"
Jerry: "He's somebody."
George: "What about me?"
Jerry: "You're nobody."
George: "Why him? Why not me?"
Jerry: "He's good, you're not."
George: "I'm better than him."
Jerry: "You're worse, much much worse."

Elaine: "What is with all these books?"
George: "I stopped having sex."

George: "Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. It's not complicated."
Derek Jeter: "You know, we won the World Series last year."
George: "Yeah� in six games." ::smirks::

Jerry: "To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid."

Kramer: "My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!"
Jerry: "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in seventy-two hours. What did you expect?"
Kramer: "Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face."
Jerry: "And your teeth, your teeth are all brown."
Kramer: "Look away, I'm hideous."

Jerry: "Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body."

Party guest: "So what do you do?"
Jerry: "I'm a comedian."
Party guest: "Are you? Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material?"
Jerry: "I hear a voice."
Party guest: "What kind of voice?"
Jerry: "A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator."
Party guest: "How come you keep tapping your head?"
Jerry: "It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa."

George: "I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."

Kramer: "No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line. Plus, they botched my vasectomy."
Jerry: "They botched it?"
Kramer: "I'm even more potent now!"

George: "Even if he did suffer, that was, like, forty years ago! What has he been doing lately? I've been suffering for the past thirty years up to and including yesterday!"

Jerry: "Anywhere in the city?"
George: "Anywhere in the city. I'll tell you the best public toilet."
Jerry: "Okay. Fifty-Fourth and Sixth."
George: "Sperry Rand Building. Fourteenth floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name, she'll give you the key."
Jerry: "Alright. Sixty-Fifth and Tenth."
George: "Are you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities."

Elaine: "It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve. It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
Jerry: "I'll tell you what, there's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it."
Elaine: "What do you mean?"
Jerry: "You walk over to that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything. You eat it, say thank you very much, wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks."
George: "What are they gonna do?"
Jerry: "They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives."
Elaine: "Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?"
Jerry: "Fifty bucks. That table over there. The three couples."
Elaine: "Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it."
Jerry: "No, no tricks."
Elaine: "Should I do it George?"
George: "For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow!"
Elaine: "Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it."

Elaine: "Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat. You go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before. They put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure... and now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough."

Jerry: "This is bad, you don't know. The chain reaction of calls this is going to set off. New York, Long Island, Florida... It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears."

Elaine: "It's just a movie."
Jerry: "Just a movie? You don't understand. This isn't Plans One through Eight from Outer Space. This is Plan Nine! This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."

Kramer: "Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back."
Jerry: "Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?"
Kramer: "C'mon, and I'll rub some on you."
Jerry: "That's not sweetening the deal."

George: "Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..."
Jerry: "But what?"
George: "Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold..."
Jerry: "Oh, you mean... Shrinkage."
George: "Yes. Significant shrinkage."
Jerry: "So you feel you were shortchanged."
George: "Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me."

George: "Do women know about shrinkage?"
Elaine: "What do you mean, like laundry?"
George: "No..."
Jerry: "Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
Elaine: "It shrinks?"
Jerry: "Like a frightened turtle."
Elaine: "Why does it shrink?"
George: "It just does."
Elaine: "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

George: "Let's just jump out of the car."
Jerry: "We're doing sixty miles per hour."
George: "So, we jump and roll. You won't get hurt."
Jerry: "Who are you, Mannix?"

Kramer: "She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."
Jerry: �Then she�ll need a little penicillin.�

Kramer: "The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?"
Librarian: "It's true."
Kramer: "That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named Cone."

Elaine: "Why do they call it a wedgie?"
George: "Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until... it wedges in."
Jerry: "They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare."
Elaine: "Boys are sick."
Jerry: "What do girls do?"
Elaine: "We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."

Lt. Bookman: "Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."

Jerry: "The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury!"

Kramer: "So, you're still Master of your Domain?"
Jerry: "Yes, yes I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I'm going over to her apartment and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!"
Kramer: "Wait, wait wait... Whoa, whoa whoa-- what did you just say?"
Jerry: "I can't take it any more! She's drivin' me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house. When I'm here I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile I'm datin' a virgin, I'm in this contest... something's gotta give!"
Kramer: "Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop!? That's the DUMBEST thing I ever heard. I mean, it's incomprehens-- I'm not gonna let you do it!"
Jerry: "Well, I'm doin' it. Get out of my way..."
Kramer: "No, you can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime. When we were boys looking through our bedroom windows we would think, 'Why can't there be a woman out there taking her clothes off?' And now that wish has come true and you want to... pfffft... throw it away?!"

George: "Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?"
Newman: "I'm a United States postal worker."
George: "Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?"
Newman: "Sometimes..."
George: "Why is that?"
Newman: "Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!"

George: "Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."

Elaine: "Do I need a shot?"
Doctor: "Not shot. Dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang."

Jerry: "So Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more 'grease monkey.'"
Puddy: "I don't care for that term."
Jerry: "Oh sorry, I didn't know."
Puddy: "I don't know too many monkeys that can take apart a fuel injector."

George: "I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie."

Kramer: "Hey, I'll tell you what, chubbs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week."
Jerry: "Well, let's start the insanity."
Kramer: "Mmmmmm.... giddyup!"

Jerry: "I haven't vomited in thirteen years."

Jerry: "It's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho... I want a potato."

Elaine: "If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deon."

Naomi: "I thought you were happy-go-lucky."
Jerry: "No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky."

George: "That's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
Jerry: "They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry blackberry."
George: "Blackberry boysenberry."
Jerry: "Boysenberry huckleberry."
George: "Huckleberry raspberry."
Jerry: "Raspberry strawberry."
George: "Strawberry cranberry."
Jerry: "Peach."

George: �Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?�
Bubble Boy: �That�s easy. It�s the Moors.�
George: �Oh no no no� I�m sorry, it�s the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.�
Bubble Boy: �What? Let me see that? ::looks at card:: It�s a typo!�
George: �The card says Moops.�
Bubble Boy: �Moors!�
George: �Moops!�

Kramer: "She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking."

Salesman: "This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you're almost glad to be handicapped."

Therapist: "George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism."
George: "How's this for criticism... Ummm... You stink. How do you like that criticism?"

George: "Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kids. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know."

Jerry: "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."

Frank: "Let me understand. You've got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"
Mr. Ross: �They�re all chickens� the rooster has sex with all of them.�
Frank: �That�s perverse.�

Elaine: "You know, one of these days something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!"
Jerry: �Nah, I�m going to be just fine.�

Kramer: "One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function."

Kramer: "Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."

Newman: "You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us, and I say 'why?'. Are we really so different..."
Jerry: "I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman."
Newman: "Damn you Seinfeld. You're a useless pustule."

Kramer: �::driving handsome cab:: Central Park was designed in 1850 by Joe Pepitone so the Union Army could practice on grass.�

Kramer: "I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?"
Jerry: "No. It's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work."

George: "I don't trust men in capes."

Jerry: "The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gaberdine."

Jerry: "Kramer, these balloons aren't going to stay filled 'til New Year's."
Kramer: "Those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons."

George: "You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. Only thing is I have to get fired from the Yankees first."
Jerry: "You can do that."
George: "Of course, but I really want to leave my mark this time. You know, I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, 'Wow, now that guy got canned.'"
Jerry: "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence."
George: "Yeah, remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft syrup machine?"

George: "What is a barometer exactly?"
Kramer: "It's pronounced 'thermometer'."

Elaine: "You won't believe this, but as I'm leaving she calls me Susie."
Jerry: "I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe."
Elaine: "What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?"

George: "My whole life I have never made a great entrance."
Jerry: "You've made some fine exits."

Peterman: "Between you, me, and the lamppost... and the desk, Peggy says this Suse isn't much of a worker."
Elaine: "It's Susie."
Peterman: "Nevertheless Elaine, the House of Peterman is in disorder."

George�s Answering Machine:
�Believe it or not George isn�t at home, please leave a message at the beep
I must be out, or I�d pick up the phone
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I�m not home! BEEP�

Elaine: "Oh great, it's the bra-less wonder. Who does she think she's kidding? Look at her. She's totally out of control."

George: "It is all because of that car. See, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of them, they think I'm working an eighteen-hour day!"
Jerry: "Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made."

Elaine: "This woman has never, not once, ever, as long as I've known her, worn a bra."
Jerry: "That's just shameless."

Elaine: "Her birthday's coming up, see, so I decided to get her a little present."
Jerry: "What are you going to get her?"
Elaine: "A very traditional, a very supportive, brassiere."
Jerry: "There's nothing subtle about that."
George: "No, no, she might just think it's a gift."
Jerry: "Have I ever bought you a jockstrap as a gift?"

Elaine: "A woman just walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on? She's a menace to society."

Jackie Chiles: "It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"

Frank: "Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here... George is dead... Call me back."

Jerry: "Are you going to tell your parents you're still alive?"
George: "No. They could use the break."

Jerry: "I miss the days when they made toys that could kill a kid."

Kramer: "Are you unhappy with our arrangement?"
Jerry: "What arrangement?"
Kramer: "Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine."
Jerry: "Yeah? Well, let me know when you get something in there and I will."

Elaine: "I think I really sprained it."
Jerry: "Ah, I doubt you sprained it. Maybe you pulled it."
Elaine: "Maybe."
Jerry: "Did you twist it? You could've twisted it."
Elaine: "I don't know."
Jerry: "Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it, turned it..."
Elaine: "You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up."

Kramer: "A wise man once taught me the healing power of the body's natural pressure points. He sells t-shirts outside the World Trade Center."

George: "Seven."
Susan: "Seven Costanza... You're serious?"
George: "Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy."
Susan: "I don't think so."
George: "What, you don't like the name?"
Susan: "It's not a name. It's a number."
George: "I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute."

Jerry: "Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service."

George: "I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven."
Jerry: "Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl."
George: "Alright... You having a good time now?"
Jerry: "I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?"
George: "Alright already!!"