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| Me: One of these days I'm probably going to hit something when pulling into your driveway... Liz: Yeah, there will be an old man under your car... Somebody move that damn old man off the driveway. Me: There was dancing... I like dancing. Mrs. Smith (Precal): Okay, Smith is a function of apple. Entire Class: ??? Ryan: Mr. Dennis, you experimented with drugs, didn't you? Me: SHAZAAM!!! Ben: Martin Buber had a midrash on his maimonedes. Ryan: Danny, what do you want to do later in life? Liz: He wants to get in my pants. Ryan: No, I mean for a long period of time. Me: That would be for a long period of time. Me: hahahahaha classic epic Oni: EPIC SOLID CLASSIC TRUCK? Me: tonka truck, not just any kind of truck, but a tonka truck Liz: Bah! Oni: you know what? cum is really good for moisturizing the skin Me: you know what? eeeewww Liz: Oh so you're retarded... If I had known that I would've talked slower. Boy from Hebrew class I help teach: Is your watch water proof? Me: I don't know. Boy: Every week I ask you if it is water proof and every week you say "I don't know." Why don't you go and dunk your watch in the bath tub to see? Me: Because I'm not retarded. Ben: JERK ASS!!! (From the original movie, Battle of the Denominational Bands) Ben: OH MY JESUS!!! Liz: Bam! You've got genital diabetes! Me: Not again! Liz: LOL Me: You know, until I met you, I didn't think it was possible to get a single STD so many times. Liz: Damn straight! Saira: you better, it's gonna duck! Me: duck! Me: yes! Me: best typo ever! Sarah: This is almost a slingshot but not quite. Me: assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Kevin: right back atcha Saira: Wanna make a higher grade on your PSAT? I just read on the net that having sexual arousal by intercourse for 10 minutes before the PSAT will boost your grade by at least 200 points! Ryan: Hey everybody, quiet down... Look at Mr. Dennis's tie. Isn't it so awesome? Me: Your dog is a moron! (20 minutes later) Paul: Did you call my dog a moron?!?! Paul: Dude, I'm going to see how long I can hold my breath. Patrick: Manhood suffrage? Isn't that when the guy gets castrated?" Liz: Watch out! He's got a Western Fighting-cock! Stephen: Next time you post, please have your Jibberish to English Dictionary handy. Stephen: Is your ASS still sore from your beating this past week? Tell your mom thanks for not tucking in the corners, I am nice and cozy in my bed. Saira: How could you be my friend and not know that?!?!?! Me: Your a slut and your still my friend. Morgan: I'm going to call you Danny the Slut henceforth. Ben: Like if I put a saxaphone into my ass crack and took a picture.............. Kenny G Ben: And then he explains to you how hot this one girl is that he's hooking up with and then at conclave when you finally meet her, you're like "That's it? That's all you got, Jason Herman? Ass." Ben: Good God, I thought I saw him with some transvestite once Me: Transvestite? Ben: I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean. Me: yeah, Jason Herman likes transvestites. Liz: Danny, you need to get your truck soon so we can bond. Me: Bond? Liz: Yes, put a mattress in the back and we can bond. Me: Sounds good to me. Rhiannon: Can I feel your bone? Me: Pelvic Thrust Me: ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Ben: I'm doing this duet for a speech tournament and my character has sexual fantasies about horses Me: eeeeewwww Me: That's gross Ben: I know Me: O, you said character! I misread. I thought you said your partner had sexual fantasies about horses! Ben: No way, that would suck Me: Indeed it would Me: Well thats not so bad then Ben: Yeah, but I don't like describing inserting my penis into a horses ass Me: I wouldn't either Ben: Like I have a whole page where I'm like "...and then I just stuck it right in him, I stuck it in him good!" and thats it Me: WHOA NELLY! Me: That's crazy Ben: I know! Steph L.: Silly Owl! Liz: Get that damn blind kid off the street. Krishanu: Hey, I'm going to your mom's house after school. Mr. Dennis: What?!? (high pitched) Sam: YUPO!!! Sam: oopa Me: J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! Sam: Y-U-P YUP YUP YUP Me: Bam! You've got genital diabetes! Liz: Damn, I'm gonna have to get the cream again. Ryan: Mr. Dennis, you're such a wuz! Ben: He gets gayer everyday. Liz: Okay, so at lunch this guy at our table says to me, "Hey Liz, can I ask you something? And be honest." I was like, "Oh crap, he's going to ask me if he's ugly..." So he said, "Am I attractive?" so I said, "No, you're not attractive." Ben: Scruff McGruff, Chicago Illinois, 60652 Stephanie R.: Do you ever just turn your keyboard upside down and shake it? You'd be amazed what comes out. Me: I've done that recently cause of all the glitter you sent me in the mail... What do you find? Stephanie R.: Glitter, dust, and cereal particles. Stephanie R.: Danny, you're a walking orgasm. Oni: lmaoooooo Me: I hope you're aware you just said, "laughing my ass off off off off off off" Oni: No, it's just a different way of saying it. Mrs Smith: (makes a very large 'p') Size matters! Oni: BAM! You've got gobalsh marklar. Liz: That's not sexual harrassment... You're neighbors! Me: Pirates are scary. They like shooting each other and having sword fights and they all wear eye patches cause of the frequent pokings. Jordi: It looks ovalry. Rhiannon: I gave someone level two genital diabetes a minute ago. Me: Whoa, hold on a minute. Level 2? Rhiannon: Yeah. Cilla gave it to him first, then I gave it to him right after that and it was level two. Me: How did both of you contract it in the first place? Rhiannon: You gave it to me one day in lunch. Me: Hmm... Indeed I did. Rhiannon: It was the first time I had gotten it from you in person and I was honored. Me: Ah yes... That was a special day indeed. Rhiannon: I have twelve bucks secured. Rhiannon: lonely tylenol is a palindrome! Me: What are you doing? Stephanie R.: Adoring Cocoa Puffs. Me: I like Cocoa Puffs too. Cocoa Crispies are also great. Stephanie R.: heehee I haven't had those. Favorite breakfast cereal = Cinnamon Toast Crunch Me: Cocoa Pebbles are okay... Fruity Pebbles suck. Me: (refering to Cinnimon Toast Crunch) Haven't had that in a while. Stephanie R.: or Fruit Loops. Me: I like Fruit Loops. Me: And Apple Jacks! Stephanie R.: Yes. I've never had Apple Jacks, actually. My mommy wouldnt buy me the junky cereals. I had to get them at my dad's. Me: It isn't junky. Take that back! Stephanie R.: I mean that they aren't GOOD for you. If they're predominantly sugar Me: They're apple flavored fruit loops... how are they not good for you? Emmalee: What is your name? Sir Lancelot of Camelot. What is your quest? To retrieve the holy grail. What is your favorite color? Blue, no green! AHHHH!!! Mrs. Noshari: Put the bitch on the table. Liz: That meal's not Kosher. Danny needs the Jewish Snack Pack. Stephanie L.: My moms talking to herself. I think shes gone crazy. Me: Cool... I talk to myself a lot... but then again I am crazy, so... yup yup Stephanie L.: Yeah but your friendly crazy... mom's creepy crazy. Me: I bet if I raced that beetle with my truck, I'd beat it... not because my truck is faster, because it isn't, but because I'd run the Beetle off the road. Stephanie L.: Oprah's eating pie... go figure Amber: What did you do over Thanksgiving? Krishanu: Your mom. Krishanu: I don't know what college I want to go to, but I specifically want to go to college to study Chris Posey's mom. Me: Mark my words, the next person I meet named "Huckleberry" is getting a fist in the face and a swift kick in the ass. Me: What are we doing tomorrow? I won't be here. Mrs. Noshari: We're going to watch the rest of the movie, so you need to rent it. (serious like) Me: Ha, okay. (snickering) Me: That sounds like a plan. Me: asssssssssssss Ben: cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese Me: cheese? Ben: ass cheese Me: ooo, okay Rhiannon: I think it adds some definite man-flair to it. Rhiannon: The chocolate milk is tasty in its own way, like a burger is tasty in a burgery way. Rhiannon: : attacks danny with fuzzy bunny slippers with bones : Rhiannon: : see slippers making moves on danny : Rhiannon: : saves him from the raping fuzzy bunny slippers with bones : Me: uh huh Rhiannon: yea Liz: Where's the porn?... and the promiscuous sex?... and the all night drunken brawls?... This is not the life I envisioned. Stephanie R.: Thank you, you understand me. Me: I do... I understand many dialects of jibberish. Me: Silly Iraqis Me: I'm driving my beat-up truck to school tomorrow... it has battle wounds Me: But it took down a F-150. Me: So they're victory wounds. Paul: Dude, the people in the library are Nazis. Me: Why am I listening to Milli Vanilli? Me: It's okay... the witch crashed into a power pole and exploded. Rhiannon: vans = coolness in a bottle Some girl in Computer Science (not sure if quote is entirely accurate... I overheard this with a lot of background noise): Your mouth sucks. It doesn't have a ball in it. Stephanie L.: Yea... he's way too Jesusy... it's kinda creepy. Me: Haha, that's quotable. Stephanie L.: I think so. Stephanie L.: Someone told me I was going to hell for saything that... I dont think so... I bet Jesus thinks it's funny. Me: I'm trying to think of another scene to write in... Remember the days when you used to contribute? Wanna help me write this one? Ben: Ok, it's time for Think Tank Ben to come out. hmmmmm Me: ... Me: Where's Think Tank Ben at? Ben: In the bunker. Me: Hiding from bombs indeed. Ben: Jesus was not a fish! Ben: Where my wig at? Paul: Yeah I'm going to pay 11 grand extra to get a fag-colored Mustang. Me: (take on Wal-Mart's own brand of computer) From what you've told me, no it's not worth it... I'd only take one of those if they paid me... then I'd toss it off a roof and video tape it... then sell the video tape. Me: haha, hell yes... some one is selling a dune buggy. Paul: loser=trucksize * penissize where loser is a constant Paul: so trucksize and penissize are inversely related Me: The coolest big truck is the Kingranch... For the interior, they basically just skin a cow and use that for the seats. Me: It rules. Paul: dude you can get a 6.8 liter V10 with the Excursion Paul: it'd be sweet to drop that engine into like an Explorer Paul: or a Mustang Paul: or a golf cart Me: lol, that would be awesome to drop into my truck Me: yes, or a golf cart Me: man, i want a v-10... i hate 4 cylinder Paul: I want a W18 Paul: I think Ferrari uses those in racing Paul: I'm not sure Me: lol Paul: but they do exist Me: put that in your taurus Paul: LOOL Paul: dude Paul: talk about BOOM destruction Paul: it'd make a crater Me: haha Me: yeah Paul: I'd press the gas, and my tires would instantly turn into liquid Me: that'd be so cool to see Paul: lol yeah Paul: just like sitting there once second, then BOOM the car's on the ground with no tires and it's sitting in a puddle of bubbling rubber Me: lol Paul: and the engines ripped itself from the chassis Me: ha Paul: dude don't Vipers run the risk of folding the body in half or something? Paul: because they're so powerful Me: or the chassis goes, but the rest of the car doesn't... so you see the bottom of the car driving by itself while you're sitting on the street in the frame Me: i dunno, that'd be cool Paul: lol Paul: you can get bad chassis warping I know Me: sweet Paul: put that V10 in like a.....Ford....Aspire! Me: put it in a ford fiesta Paul: you turn it on and it's like "VAROOOOOOM VRUM VRUM VRUM VRUM VRUM VRUM" Me: or a ford feces... errrr... focus Paul: lol Ben: i really dislike ashton kutcher Me: haha, why? Ben: i don't know, he's just reeeeeeeeeally annoying Me: anything specific? Ben: not really, just him in general Me: haha Me: what brought this up? Ben: eh, i was watching punk'd earlier and was like " jeez, i really don't like him!" Me: haha Me: nice Ben: i don't know man, but you gotta tell me whats up with all of the jerk-offs, lame asses, and bitches too! Me: haha Me: quotin that Ben: haha, sorry just tryin' to be creative Me: and you are being creative... you are Ben: hahaha, another quote! Me: haha, indeed Ben: you know what saying i hate....... " ooooh, i'd like to tap that ass" Ben: yeah Me: hahaha Me: that was random Ben: with rizzle beans on top! Rhiannon: I'm so cold, and I'm so hungry that I shivered away my waffles. Arif: I got a bucket of shit on my birthday. Me: Eeewww. Did you return it? Get something better possibly. Arif: No, I keep it. It's in my room. Me: Eeewww. Arif: jk Arif: I told Vaq we're going to raise some hell in English tomorrow. Me: Bad ass. Like, what are you going to do? Arif: I don't know, the usual. Arif: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Me: Hmm... a pervert probably. Arif: Dang Me: Double Dang Molly: Guys are so lucky. They can masterbate all they want. Jillian: Justin Timberlake is a flying vagina. Vaqas: (after a teacher walks in, classroom becomes quiet, he stands up, points at Ms. McWilliams and says...) SHUT UP! (McWilliams turns around, is shocked, he slowly repositions pointing finger at Amber and says...) Oh, I was talking to Amber. Random Guy: Valentine's Day is only good for the guy whose bitch swallows. Random Girl: What are you gonna do for Valentine's Day? Random Guy: Commit suicide. Random Girl: Well that's original. Vaqas: (to Ms. McWilliams) Don't blow up! Jessica: The guy woulda been hot too... if he wasnt dead and all. Mrs. Muster: You're scoring too hard. Matt: You can never score too hard... unless she's a virgin. Jessica's Mom: (gives her a funny look) I think it's time I do something about you. Jessica: Do something about me? Jessica's Mom: Yeah, I think we should go see an ob-gyn. I'd rather you not get pregnant. Jessica: (stares blankly in shock, blinks rapidly, then turns head and stares out window) Can we go to McDonalds? I want a drink. Justin: (wakes up because guys on the other side of the room are being annoying tapping their pens, says really loud) Stop being faggots! (goes back to sleep) Justin: (Mrs. Baldwin wakes him up during her lesson) I was dreaming about cat fish. (goes back to sleep) Mrs. Baldwin: The integral of e to the x dx equals e to the x plus c (Se^x dx = e^x + c). Sex is extacy. The dx you have to have, but you can throw away when you're through. Me: Let's see "The Passion". Stephanie: Nah, I already read the book. Me: There's a book? Stephanie: Yeah Me: Huh... Stephanie: The bible... Me: ... Oh yeah. I knew that. Molly: If you stare at the sun long enough it will make you sneeze. Rhiannon: If you stare at an ugly naked person long enough you start to cry Me: Hmm... how naked were you? Emmalee: Now, none. But before about 3/4. Me: Giddyup. Arif: I want a body massage. Me: what are you doing? Priscilla: planning my career as a rapper. Me: awesome Me: that'd be so cool Me: what's your rapper name? Priscilla: well. . if i joined the wu-tang clan i'd be cilla killah... but if i was flying solo i'd be lil'dude... b/c i have a video worked out for that name Ms. McWilliams: Anybody have any prom stories? Me: I have a story about a prostitute! Ms. McWilliams: (Pretends to not hear it) Me: So here it is... (proceeds to tell story) Me: I can't imagine your sister being that big. Adam: Uh... She's bigger than you think. Chris: She's intelligent, too. Wouldn't that enhance the experience? Brandon: No, I don't want my bitch talking while I screw. Chris: What about foreplay? Brandon: She can bend over. That's the foreplay. Mrs. Lyle: My husband isn't really the stripper type. Jessica: I wonder what goes through people's minds before they open their mouths to speak. Random waiter: The boy who cried wolf! Jessica: What the fuck?! Mrs. Lyle: The corn isn't up yet. Brandon: Oh my corn is. |