| 1-9-02 hmm... probly thought i was dead didn't ya? 5 months since i've looked at my site let alone written anything for it or done anything to it, oh where to begin, lets see the last i wrote i was working at disneyland, living with my aunt uncle and grandma in downy, and was a sometime studant at cerritos collage. none of that is true anymore. I quit disneyland because i moved out of my aunt and uncle's house into an apartment with two friemds from work: albert and brooke, albert moved out after a month leaving me with brooke, jenifer (our unemployed pregnat friend who was our co-worker at disneyland and got kicked out of her parants' house) and gil (jen's baby's daddy for no better definition of his role in her life since they're more like married than going out, but gil wont admit to being her boyfriend so he can mess around with other chicks kinda in front of jen's face) i, like an idiot start to fall for brooke, who is soo not good for me cause we're like two totally differant people, she was headchearleader at her school, likes pop and country music and is a spoiled pretty princess type, but i loved her anyway... i have no idea why, i did however get over my old crush after seeing her again and living with brooke, so no more crying over her. well things went awkwardly along me feeling sorry formyself because brooke would never feel the same way i felt about her and the fact that we had no money to survive in that apartment. and everything came to a boiling point after i give in to brooke and try drinking on for size and on the third day of drinking each night, i get very angry and end up calling a fucking bitch and a whore. go me. so the next couple days i feel totally shitty for saying that, brooke wont talk to me except in letters, she asks me to leave and i say yes since i was always trying to make her happy. and for the three days before my extreamely awesome friend denise comes to get me out of that place i dont eat at all and dont leave my room except to go to the bathroom. i stay with denise for a week and go to work and then i stay at albert's for a couple days and go to work (albert is also extreamely awesome for everything, even if i was bitter when he moved out for taking the meat and the chicken from the freezer), i end up staying sergio's untill i quit work and get on a train and move into my parant's house where i now reside. (sergio also frickin awesome, i can see that there are some really rad people who care about me now) i just got a job at true value and start on monday, and i'll be going back to school starting on the 22nd. i still feel very sorry for what i said to brooke, and i wish there was a way to at least make things right with her, even though i finally see we are soo very wronge each other and i had no business with a girl like her, i still hope someday she'll forgive me. other than that i'm in a wierd state of stasis where nothing feels right, but that's prbably because i haven't gotten all my things back from albert's house and i haven't done much but sit around watching television and reading. i really wish i had someone to think about in the way i thought of my "estella" or the way i thought of brooke, even if i don't get to be with them, itd feel better than not having someone to hope for. someone to dream of, someone to want with my entire being... maybe that is the feeling i have now, emptiness. i'm a poet without a muse. |