The
Mothman Jellycock Prophecy
Our tale begins with an innocent trip to a foreign country. Five guys celebrating recent successes and triumphs. The major accomplishment being celebrated was the completion of university degrees by three of our adventurers. But while we were visiting the small Dominican town of Sosua, the following events transpired and gave birth a story, no,…..a tale, no,….no, the legend of MOTHMAN JELLYCOCK.
Before I begin the telling of the saga, I should give you a quick recap of the quintet of partiers. First we have Callum, an Albertan by birth and natural party guy. Next we have Derek, the strong silent type. Then we have Mister MVP (most valuable partier) Glenn “Big Red” McArthur. Also we had Dolby, his main function as always was to stress out about shit he had no control over. That brings us to our main character, Rodger, a deviant man who had a penchant for ending up in embarrassingly painful situations.
We begin on Monday night, our second night in the tropical paradise. After an afternoon of many cerveza, much rum and several games of the fooseball, the group split up around 11 pm . Big Red and Dolby headed to the Disco to cut some serious rug, while Callum, Rodger and Derek went off to have an adventure. Towards the end of the night Callum and Rodger, still full of drunken energy decided to go work some of it off on the beach with some leisurely tossing of the old baseball. All went well for a while until Callum’s cannon of an arm uncorked a mighty throw and the ball went sailing into an unlit part of the beach past an outstretched Rodger. Now Rodger is pretty clever at using his surroundings to solve problems. On this particular stretch of beach the resort had strategically placed several spot lights to light up the beach. Rodger being the resourceful guy he is decided to manoeuvre the spotlight to search for the lost baseball. A good idea most would agree, until the Dominican wildlife had a different idea. Now most people know that at night moths like to hang out around light. While Rodger was searching for the ball an evil moth decided that Rodger’s left ear would be a cool place to fly into. Impossibly, the moth was able to make all the way into his ear and completely out of sight. The evil moth was able to make it all way to the eardrum, which we all know is responsible for allowing humans to hear. Well once the stupid moth figured out that he was in a little too deep, the stupid thing wanted out, and tried to escape by flying repeatedly into Rodger’s eardrum. Rodger’s reaction to this was “AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”.
When Callum examined his ear he could see nothing and sent him up to the room to see if Derek could help him, then Callum found the ball and played catch with some senoritas. As Rodger rushed to the room he was attacked several more times by the beast and experienced a good ear boxing. As he arrived at the room and recapped for Derek, he looked into Rodger’s ear and told him what he saw, nothing. Once Rodger was attacked again the two decided that medical attention was needed. They decided that they should probably ask where to get medical attention. The security guard was nice enough to escort them down to the Sosua Medical Clinic. Now you must remember that we are in the Dominican Republic and there is a bit of a language barrier. While Rodger and Derek try to recap for the doctor in our from of Spanish, which is just English with a Spanish accent, the doctor figures out that there is something wrong with his ear. The Doc decided between the screams of pain and broken Spanglish that Rodger must have an ear infection. So as standard operating procedure she gave Rodger some penicillin and found some ear drops. Boy did those drops ever piss that moth off. After another scream of pain and Rodger saying “No better”, the doctor finally clued in that something must be stuck in his ear. So off she went to get the ear draining kit and started the procedure. Now at this point the beast has been in Rodger’s ear for about an hour, when his ear is being drained he’s expecting to see a massive evil looking moth, like from Silence of the Lambs, but what came out of his ear was a little bug no bigger than your baby fingernail. At this point Rodger had lost the hearing in his left ear (temporarily) but was just so relieved that the evil bug was out of his ear he sprung to his feet and partied like it was 1999. After hugging the doctor he realizes that he has no money he negotiated the doctor into charging the room.
Now most of the people reading this story are thinking that a moth flying into your ear is the worst thing that can happen to you on your vacation, and statically there is no chance something else bad could happen. The people that think this haven’t met Rodger.
The next night while we were at dinner Rodger and Callum spotted two ladies sitting all by themselves. Since Rodger and Callum are the sociable type they went over and started a conversation. Well one thing led to another and a split occurred between the group, Rodger, Callum, Glen, and Derek, went to hang out with the new victims ..er..ah I mean friends, while Dolby was pimpin at bar watching the Vancouver Canucks with some lovely ladies from British Columbia. Towards the end of the third period in what turned out to be a Vancouver win, Dolby saw Rodger limping thru the dining room with a towel wrapped around him and started to wave Dolbs over. So Dolby excused himself from the table and asked that on the next bar run, two rum and Cokes be brought from him. In retrospect he should have just ignored Rodger and continue to drink heavily, but he ventured over to Rodger who informed him that “SOMETHING JUST FUCKING BIT MY FUCKING COCK!!!!!!!!!!”. After a few minutes of laughter from Dolby and several death threats from Rodger, Dolbs figured out that Rodger was in some pretty serious pain. They went into the bathroom just off the dining room, where Rodger started to pour cold water over his injury and requested that Dolby get some ice. So Dolbs went to the bar where he encountered a big line up, so he went back to the table where he’d been seated earlier and checked for ice, where was none, cause he always eats the ice out of his drinks when he’s done. It was hear that one of the ladies from BC asked what was going on, to which Dolby simply replied “Rodger medical emergency”. Being the resourceful guy Dolby is he finally just stole an empty glass with ice in it returned to the bathroom, washed the alcohol off and handed it to Rodger who was now in a stall shouting several curses that can’t be repeated here.
In a moment of calm as the ice froze the pain, the two were able to make it back to the room, where Rodger went straight for the shower and to let cold water rain down on the wound. Its at this point medical options were discussed. Rodger was in too much pain to make it to the clinic and wanted a house call. So Dolby was off to the front desk, chuckling to himself the whole way, and wondering how the hell he was gonna find a doctor in the Dominican Republic to make house call after 11 pm on a Tuesday night. After explaining to the clerk at the desk the situation he called the Sousa clinic and arranged for a doctor to make a house call. When Dolby was done he heard a voice from behind him say “I was stung too”, so Dolby turns around and says “Oh, you must know Rodger”. So Dolby accompanied the other victim, Nicole, back up to the room and got some information out her. Apparently Nicole and her friend Paula ( the ladies from dinner) and the rest of the crew decided to go for a dip in the ocean. Apparently Rodger decided to go sans shorts. So everyone got stung but mostly on the hand or foot, not the cock like Rodger. So as we got back to the room Rodger was still in the shower shouting obscenities and calls for vengeance on the wildlife of the Dominican. Nicole went and crashed on the bed while Dolby updated Rodger on the status of the house call. It’s at this point that Rodger cracks out the most charming statement of “Dolby when the doctor gets here you let that fucking bitch rot in there and get that fucking doctor to look at me first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Uhh, Okay Rodg, but um…she can hear you dude”
“I don’t fucking care. My fucking cock is about to fucking rot off, you get that doctor to look at me first!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Alright man I’ll handle it. Oh and Vancouver won…”
“I don’t fucking care!!!!!!!!!!!”
Its at about this point the Doctor shows up and Rodger hops out of the shower completely naked and sprawls on the bed and shows the doctor his swollen member. Of course with Rodger’s luck this week the doctor is female but managed to remain professional in eye of adversity. The Doctor admitted that this was indeed the first jelly fish sting on the penis that she’d seen, but was armed with vinegar to take the sting out. She then proceeded to dope Rodger up with a needle into his ass and he finally stopped wigging out.
The Doctor finally got around to looking at Nicole and fixed her up. After they had both calmed down we started to chat a little and the Doctor was warning us about being careful, why just last night she heard about a guy that came into the clinic with a moth stuck in his ear….. “Oh yeah, that was Rodger”
Then came the ugliest part of the ordeal for Rodger…..the bill. For both incidents the charge was about
5991 pesos, which works out to about $400 Canadian.
So the moral of all this is if you are going to a tropical country,
1. Do not try to use a spot light to look for a baseball when moths are around
2. Do not go skinny dipping in the ocean during jelly fish mating season
3. If Rodger walks thru a bar with a towel wrapped around him and in obvious pain, ignore him
And last and the most important of all the morals of this story………………………………............................Spend the $10 for medical insurance unlike our friend Rodger.