drunken

Callum and Going over Board

When men are in their youth it is much like a early spring day when the sun is out and the snow is gone but it is still too cold to play ball hockey in shorts. The naivety of youth was in its full glory in the late summer of 1999. Callum is a champ when it comes to getting fall down-roll around-glass eyed drunk. This apex was much a more attainable task in our youth than it is now. Anyways, Callum had just been dumped by a special girl who then started to go out with Derek. With a broken heart and a bad case of the chickenpox Callum and some of the Deviants journeyed to the Monday night $2 pint and rock and roll singer at a Barrie bar called Filthy McNasty’s. After racking up a good tab Callum was sick to his stomach in the shitter of the bar, pizza, garlic bread and many pints of beer. Matthias was his wingman to the john and was VERY pleased with his own contribution by “pissing on your puke when it was still in the toilet”. Callum was subsequently cut off at the bar but not before his hijinx had captured the singer’s eye. He was invited to join on stage to play the tambourine. He was introduced as “The guy who is to drunk to sit in his chair but will help the band.” We then slipped him a beer and everybody had seen the move and we were all removed from the bar. We decided to pull the stunt again the next week and were understandable banned from Filthy McNasty’s. All revved up with nowhere to go we sat in a mall parking lot. He was dragged home but not before he could vent his rage from the floor of the Circle K gas station towards the young recently widowed mother employee. If you can’t feel better yourself you might as well bring others around you down.
Thinking he learned a lesson, on the Friday night of that week Callum was at it again. This time down-town. Laying on the stairs leading to the upstairs of the bar Callum was very drunk. Matthias and Early were with it enough to get him the F.O.D. Before, we both agreed to let him lay on the street for a while and vent. He did and he did not disappoint. Giving the finger to all and telling all to “Fuck Off”, Callum was in his glory and glory for Callum is face down in a gutter. Early and Matthias were beginning to worry about their own safety and decided to drag his sorry ass to the car. Picking up the pace when a Barrie City Police crusier began pursuit. But then having to stop while Callum vomited into a trashcan in Memorial Park. When delivery was about to be made into his mothers care the shenanigans had not finished. Callum was doubled over with dry heaves on his front lawn while this fucking faggit Spencer attended and forced Gatorade down his throat. Spencer carried him like a baby to bed while Matthias the whole time was telling reminding Spencer “Don’t be a hero”, enough so to wake up Callum’s hot mom and her wrath ensued.
Some of the Deviants looked to better themselves and left some others behind. With the divergent paths new antics had to be developed. However, on the occasion when we met again unadulterated antics insured. The first Thanksgiving we all got back together Early was so loaded that he order 10 hot dogs and 10 hamburgers from the vendor outside the Foundation then continued to spin the man’s umbrella until it broke then stumbled off into the alley, jealous of Early’s state Callum looked to out do him and he did. On the Wednesday night the Barrie crew went to see money Ray Mattie play his east coast style folk music. Callum drank a bottle of wine and then many, many, many beers then fell down on the hardwood floor of the bar, Ray Mattie then improvised a song as the patrons of the bar helped Callum out.
As mentioned above some young women of tainted virtue are passed amongst the Deviants like a joint at a Grateful Dead concert. When Callum forgave Derek for seducing his woman. With his Scottish good looks and silent charm his tolerance level for alcohol disappeared as well. Callum's favourite drink being Stongbow he drank many, many. Also Derek, got sloppy for once and had a shit hemorrhage and was walked home by his darling woman. Callum was walked home by people he only knew on the internet and had a projectile vomit that chased Spencer out of the front seat. Meeting up with him on his front lawn after a stop at Taco Bell, Callum cursed the night and the malady he was suffering before retiring to his home and the inescapable wrath of his hot mom.