| Matthias and his Digestive Tract Every one of the Deviants has a certain antagonist, sometimes external similar to Superman and kryptonite but sometimes it is very much part of you. For instance, Matthias has an on going struggle with his bodily functions such as shitting and pissing. Matthias has a dirty twisted and broken mind, but at the same time he can be surprisingly reasonable and scientific. While golfing in the summer of 2001 Matthias had a bout of sickness brought on by �water-based beverages� as he would put it. This in turn cost him a promising round on the course, as he had to make 9 special deliveries to the clubhouse men�s room. On his eighth trip his scientific reasoning kicked in and he decided to stay in the sitting position and �double down� because he knew he was not about to be finished and the trends and probabilities would support his choice. And like a good tip on the ponies or a back door stock quote his reasons came true. The situation on that warm July Sunday afternoon inspired him in his free time (which is all his time - unless he is thrilling fat chicks) to make a graph using the scientific reasoning that was mentioned above to visually illustrate the co-relation between the amounts of beer he drinks during the night before and the amount of shits he has to take the next afternoon � the results of this study may follow. When we were young and still a little on the stuck up side a young Matthias confused a Bell Payphone in Heritage Park as a Portable toilet. He took a piss in the phone booth, on the phone and the laws of physics that he is typically universally aware of were as clouded as 4 pitchers of draft beer and his own piss ran onto his skateboard shoes that he still has. Callum would not allow Matthais into his car with piss-soaked sneakers and would not allow such antics to persist until Matthias walked in the creek, which would replace a little piss with a lot of raw sewage. Matthais refused and walked home carrying his piss soaked sneakers in his hand. The third leg of the tales is the most deviant and is currently used as the verified �Trump Card� as it is the filthiest proven thing that has happened to him but by no means the filthiest thing that has he has done to others. $id rented a Phat Ride 2000 Buick LeSabre and we drove from Toronto to Halifax for the 2000-2001 New Years Bash (details later on) somewhere between Kingston and Cornwall, Ontario Matthias became drunk and decided he needed to take a piss. $id obliged and pulled to the side of the road where others joined Matthias in he splendid scenery of the Upper St. Lawrence River Valley to piss. All were done and the journey ensued. Matthias in the car for no more than a minute or two believed that he was not done � at this time he had not found the �double-down system� of his wise later years. He had to take a shit of course. Matthias was joined by others in a greasy-spoon type diner that are common to truckers and travellers in the Montreal-Toronto corridor. When the rabble of Deviants left; the small struggling diner was unfortunately left without a working men's toilet and porno magazine inventory. The sun had set and risen again before this posse of roving Deviants finally laid their heads down in the Maritime Inn. Immediately Matthias lay on his side in his travelling clothes, light earth tone khakis, white sport socks and plaid shirt unbuttoned with dirty white undershirt. The light brown pants was a thin disguise for the dark brown shit that lurked below. Questioned on the spot, Matthias was in no state to hide anything he confessed that while pissing almost 24 hours ago on the side of the road �the back end gave out�. The scene inside the diner washroom then came together to all in his presence. The image of him picking turds out of his underwear and throwing them in the toilet will haunt us all until we are to old and senile to avoid the same fate as our deviant comrade Matthias. |