The Loss of Innocence

Episode I: A Fridge Too Far

 

A Tale of Sin by Dolby

 

November 28, 2001 will forever live in the annals of history as day of true deviance. For it was no ordinary day of deviance my friends, for this is the day that I, the man of bad luck, bad timing and general ugliness, finally had sex.

 

Our tale begins innocently enough, me coming home from a tough day of classes and bullshit group work, to find Rodger on his way to the Mansion House. He was just heading down there to meet Matthias, Sid and Cal for a quick $2 pint before he went to Guelph. Realizing that I had nothing to do until 12:30pm the next day, and it being only 5 pm, I though "…hey a couple pints never hurt nobody".

 

As I arrived at the bar and joined my brothers in deviance I though that tonight would be a night as many other before them. I thought Matt, Sid and I, would drink beers until we pass out in a piss drunk haze and wake up the next morning with a killer hangover. So we raised our glasses in a toast to deviance and let the night bring what it may.

 

After several of hours of drinking at the Mansion House, and a trip to the Honest Lawyer, I'm told, we finally arrived back at the 4-4. At this point, defiantly drunk, but I'm not as drunk as I could be. This is where Derek of all people starts to pour me drink after drink of some heinous shooter. To prove that I was not too stuck up, I proceeded to put all of those drinks into my belly. After that, an extreme hunger came over me and I began to stumble back to 105A with a craving for a Savarin TV diner.

 

As I walked in the door I was greeted by Matthias who showed me a flyer that had been left in our doorway. It was an invitation to a hot tub party and he asked if I was down. In my drunken haze I agreed and went to put my diner in the microwave. As soon as it was ready Matthias was dragging me out the door because our ride had arrived. I quickly wrapped my TV diner up and threw it in the fridge and jumped into the car not quite knowing what was in store for my sorry drunken ass.

 

It was quite dark in the car, a yellow Cavalier if I recall, and I couldn't quite make who we were with, but I thought as long as they have beer where we're going it can't be that bad. We arrived at a place seemingly in the middle of nowhere (nowhere I knew at least), but that didn't seem to trouble me as much as the fact that the two women we were riding with had a total combined weight a great deal larger than me and Matthias and quite possibly with Sally Struthers in the mix. But as promised there was a hot tub and beer so I decided to go with the flow.

 

After Matthias and I had a drink like gentlemen, the two women asked to join them in the hot tub. To this day I can still see the horror on Matthias' face as picture the two gargantuans in bathing suits, but he gritted his teeth like a true solider and agreed. We proceeded to strip down to our boxers and entered the hot tub first. When the two women joined us I though the tub was going to overflow because the water level raised rapidly.

As I sat there in that almost overflowing hot tub, I thought to myself, I'm drunk, and I ain't getting much drunker than this. The next thing that happened only came as a slight shock to me. I saw Matthias lean in on the smaller of the two and being to make out with her. Now it was just me and the very large lady to my right, one on one. As I stared at the endless mountain of mass beside only one thing went through my mind, "I don't have a choice, I have to do what I gotta do". What I did next was proceed to make out with the thing.

 

The next few events are a blur, but I know with out a doubt I went back to the beasts layer and became a man, twice in fact. I wasn't sure if I wanted to exercise the option for a third.

 

As the sun rose, I regret what this dawn brought me. The phone had rang and she had gotten out of bed to answer it. It was only then when I saw her nakedness did I comprehend the "weight" of my actions. If you're wondering what I was thinking at that moment, if you guessed "Jebus Christ I just fucked Jabba the Hut" you are absolutely right.

 

I will spare you the details of our miraculous escape, but when I arrived home it was a great feeling of triumph. For better than the deed, better than the story, finally after two and a half years, I could ask Glenn when was the last time he got laid, and win.

 

EPILOUGE:

 

Four days latter Sid had sex with her.