December2001

December 20th 2001

I woke up suddenly, having dreamt that our house was infested with cockroaches. It was an odd dream, but then again my dreams have never really been ordinary. I was jerked awake when I dreamt that one of them was flying right in front of my face. I tried to swat at it with one of the books of junk mail that we have lying on the floor, but it mysteriously moved and then flew straight back into my eye. After that, I figured I might as well just wake up, because there was no point in sleeping all day. I don't know why I need to sleep all the time. I assume it's the effects of THC... I am still as confused and befuddled as ever, and trying very hard to keep my grip on reality. I don't know who will ever read this, perhaps it will be just me. But I hope that at least I will remember, one day... and I will be able to think back... Because I can hardly remember anything anymore, especially who I am... and why I am here. I keep thinking about cleaning my bathroom, but put it off due to the procrastination of my personality. I did notice that the ants are seeming to die down... They don't come out much anymore... I assume that is a good thing. I quit my Staples job suddenly, as they were working me for many hours with no breaks. I also signed up for some classes. I went to take the assesment tests, but that was a mistake. I can't drive anymore. I don't know if it's the fact that I got a ticket/warning for parking on a line at our complex, or the fact that I might have scratched someone's car, or just that acid totally ruined my brain and I cannot link thoughts coherently anymore. Maybe a combination of the three. I seem to only drive at peak times when traffic is bad, and that puts alot of strain on me I suppose... I keep breaking to hard, or not at all. I fear I will hit someone soon. It took me a long time to get to San Marcos and I couldn't find the visitor's parking lot at Palomar.. I asked security where it was and they told me for future reference.... they also let me park in the staff lot because "it was quiet". That was nice of them, however, testing was closed for the day and I drove there for nothing, so it was back into traffic and back home. I fell asleep after trying to read some more of Tess of the D'Urbervilles. She was on her way home because her husband left her, her cousin wants to marry her, and her family is dying. I suppose that can be considered sad. I assume that is why not to many people like the works of Thomas Hardy. He was a realist in all it's glory. So tomorrow I shall go back to take the test, else it's Janurary 3rd, and that's a long ways away. I still wait for Heather, hoping that she will again appear out of the etheral mists and talk about something other than this baby. I had hoped we had decided on a name already, but I see that she is not satisfied with it. Every one I know thinks Akira is a suitable name. Oh well. So many things to pay for... So many things to do. Where does it end, or start? Why should we do it... I am still wondering the futility of life. I suppose I'll write a poem about it one day, when I can remember what it was I am trying to say. I suppose that is all for now.

December 21st 2001

I had another dream tonight. This time I lent everything I had out to people I knew or some I didn't really know, and I had nothing left for myself. I was complaining to Tiff in my dream as we climbed the stairs of a parking garage that I would have to catch the bus because I lent my car out... My dreams are never normal are they? I would never lend anything much to anyone... Especially my car. It's one of the reasons I failed kindegarten... No people skills whatsoever, meaning I wouldn't talk to anyone and I refused to share. I just wanted to be in my own little corner doing my own little thing. I tried to read a little more of Tess when I woke up. The story seems to be either reaching a climax, because alot of things are happening, albeit they are all bad. Now, her mother who was supposedly sick got better, and her father who was supposedly well, died. This means that because the head of the house passed on, the lease which kept them on their land is over... and they are being kicked out so tenant farmers can live there or something. So Tess and her whole family must leave their village where they all grew up. On top of that Alec, Tess's cousin has followed her here all the way across the valley, and is still after her, telling her to marry him because he's the only man who could ever love her. More so than her "husband" Angel anyways. Tess is so distraught that she writes a letter to Angel says she hates him and can never forgive him for treating her so badly. I was shocked because I was sure she would love him forever. I wonder if she will leave Angel for Alec... I hope not, because that guy... I just don't know... Everyone wants to see the Lord of the Rings... I say the trailer looks good, but the books couldn't hold my interest in the least! I dunno, maybe in a few years it'll come on tv and I'll see it or something. Now, if they made movies about the Sword of Truth, then I'm all over it! I'd have my tickets a month early and be waiting in long lines... That sword is crazy... It makes people explode.. and having people explode is so... attention holding... I also watched The Kids in the Hall again... That crazy Scott Thompson.... He's the only reason I would actually watch that show really. Him and Kevin McDonald... But if he's actually gay or really good at pretending he is, I mean, the guy can make you laugh.. He can do the smartest people and also the dumbest... I wouldn't really mind having him as a friend, well... sometimes... Depends... But anyways, it's always great to watch. I had to go to work today... Wow! Work.. I haven't done that in a while. It was great. Every time I go to work I always have so much fun. At Nickel City anyways... Not at Staples... That place sucks. Make me work 7 hours with no breaks... Well I just never went back... so see how they like that. I saw Kelly there! I was just looking around and I was like, that girl has some familiar eyes... and then she looked at me and I was like woah! It's you! And she was like hey! That girl.... I swear... I would have quit a long time ago... I was sad when she quit like two weeks after she started. I liked talking to her and stuff... even if she wasn't the brightest in the lot... She was still.... one of us... But it was great anyways. Albert brought his game cube, and we played Smash Bros. for many hours. I mean come on! What jobs are there where you get PAID to play on a gamecube... besides being a tester or whatever... I mean, this was great! And once I started getting a feel for the game and learned how to use Link again... It was all over... People where flying all over the screen. It was great.... That game's pretty fun.. I was thinking about getting an Gamecube for it.. but I mean, what other games are there for it? I had an N64 and that was like a waste. And Chris was saying how he was getting better at MvC2, so after we cleaned everything we played... and I beat him the first time with Servbot, Morrigan, and Juggernaut... But then I was like, alright, let him play again and he can beat me... so we played around alot till we got low in credits and then he was like last game.... and I was like, alright time to show him a taste of the real deal, so I buseted out with Jin Sentinel and Dr. Doom and I took out two people with Doom and then Sentinel went into Hyper Sentinel Force the Infinity Mode and wiped him out... hee hee... He was like damn... I need to learn air combos... I wonder what he would have said if I put Jin first, because he's the strongest and can make them cry... cause of DD and the dynamite and it's just... I would have used Team #1... with Spiral, but I didn't want him to hate me... Well that was my day... Oh yeah, I missed waking up to take those evil assesment tests.. So I have to wait till the 3rd to do it... Fiddlesticks... I wonder what tomorrow will be like... Maybe... she... will come back... that tease... Showing up for two days and then disappearing again... Sometimes I wonder...

December 22nd 2001

Well today was a long long day. I didn't really do much. I suppose Eric came home with some friends at 2 AM or so and they all got high and drunk. I believe it was Sho, Dan, and Vlad, at least... I didn't really want to go out. I just made sure all my doors were locked and stayed inside my room until I fell asleep. I woke up late again, like 11 I think... No really interesting REM's... So I guess that's ok. I don't know what they did this morning, but when I opened my door there was so much of that junk mail we always get piled up in front of it. One wonders if they were gonna start a fire and try to burn the door down or something... Or maybe to keep the smoke from getting in? I don't know and I'm somewhat scared of finding out. I basically checked my mail, as always, Nothing interesting. Jen came on and I told her I couldn't really talk to her, because I always say something that Heather gets mad with. She left abruptly... I think. By this time I had showered and stuff and was heading out. I wanted to go to Nickel to play and stuff since I had nothing else to do really and the house has no food, except for the little I stockpiled in my room. I went down there and I played for a little bit... Then I played someone else after I beat the game twice... That was the start of a winning streak... 13 wins.. The most I had... Unlike Richard with his like 80 something... Speaking of Richard he was there early... So I was getting tired and my legs were going numb from sitting on that stool so much... So we left and went to the Mandarin Cafe to get something to eat. I got orange chicken because they didn't have black pepper beef and the hot and sour soup, while Richard got orange chicken and teryaki chicken. There was a guy there who knew Richard, but Richard didn't know him. So he made some small talk and stuff and the people at the cafe thought he was harassing us and she kept asking can we help you and he was like no.... It was funny... and when he left Richard was like, "What a dickhead." I guess he didn't know that guy in the foggiest, and it was great... He kept saying he got a new car and stuff and he'll hit Richard up some time and what not, and then later we go and we see him waiting for the bus... What a fool. Richard's a crazy MvC2 player. I almost got him, but DD made a comeback on Sentinel and Jin. Other than that it was pure work this time because Phil was the manager. It was a really slow night for the most part. Just work and stuff... Traffic on the way there was preeettty bad... Like in Carmel Mtn, not on the freeway. I'm all tired and wondering how soon I'll see Heather again... If she wants me to go down there for the thing, I need to arrange it with her... It's gonna cost $$... Which I am strapped for. I want to get presents for my family but I don't know if I can afford it... I suppose I should just try to get them something anyways. So I guess tomorrow I'll go wandering around NCF... If I take someone I don't know how much shopping I'll get done, but it will be more fun. I hope they don't get me anything expensive. It would make me feel bad. All I really want is a toilet bowl cleaner thing and a shower sponge thing for the soft scrub. Well it's a pretty short day I guess. It just feels long... Very long... Well.... some sleep and some water... I'll feel better.... Eventuallly... I wish the THC would leave my body so I'd be normal again....

December 23rd 2001

I am lagging and it's not really the 23rd... But as to the best of my ability I'll recall what happened this day. I woke up and walked outside to go to the mall and Garett was sitting on the couch. I guess he came down from SF to live with us for a while... Apparently he was being chased by mexicans who wanted to sell him to a male whore house. After stabbing one of them with a knife in the stomach while he was being strangled with a pillow case he was picked up by Eric and brought here. Well I started out and the traffic wasn't too bad, but it was heavy. Parking was a nightmare, and I finally got a little space out in the boonies and had a long trek to the mall entrance. Inside there were people everywhere... I walked one end of the mall to the other up and down the three levels, trying to figure out what would be good for presents for my family. I finally decided, and got some books for my sister, two Berinstein Bears, and the Phantom Tollbooth. For my mom I got the DVD, The Game, and for my dad I got a smart spatula. It's kinda cool actually. It has a little probe that reads the temperature of the meat, and tells you how well done the food is based on the texture and the temperature. It has a backlight so you can see in the dark and an auto shut off so you don't drain batteries. After that I went down to Carmel Mtn. to buy some cards, and Veggie Tales gift wrap :) and then went to Nickel to say good-bye to Albert, as it was his last day. I stayed a while and played some games and then went home, because it was late and dark and I was hungry. I stopped to get some Jack in the Box to eat, and decided on two western cheeseburgers, a chicken sandwich, and a jumbo jack. When I finally got home Eric and Garett went off "to do laundry", but I know they did something else.... They didn't come home till 11 Pm... So... I watched Blade Runner, that old movie... It was like, so simplisticly complicated. I wrapped my presents for my family, wrote the cards, and then I pretty much went to sleep for a while. I woke up when they got home and went with them to harass Carl at his AM/PM job... When he finally got on break, after Garett was done showing off his knife by cutting the bushes and telling us stories about how he would hide in SF and slice tires of cars as they drove by, we drove Carl to his house to meet... the guy... the guy who hooked it up... and then we left Carl and went home and got higher than kites... and I was frying and so was Eric... I could close my eyes and see things and my body was floating and being pulled into other planes of existance and stuff. It was kinda cool, and also a little disorienting. I couldn't keep going because I smoked so much my throat hurt so and I couldn't breathe, and was so neauseated. And that was pretty much the end of that day.

December 24th 2001

I woke up today around noon, with the intent to go to Nickel City early because as I had to work there anyways I thought it would be good to practice at MvC2 and stuff so that Chris would have some competition when he gets good with his guys. It was a pretty slow day, and we had alot of people. I basically did nothing much, and played for a long time... I left 2 hours early and stayed to play games. I let this guy beat me and he was all excited, but I was like, yeah, oh well. I'm hungry and tired, and stuff. I went home but I couldn't sleep, so Ifinished my book... It was really sad. She killed her cousin as her husband came back and they had a few fleeting days of happiness before she was captured and killed and her love married her sister or something. At 2 AM or so Eric and Garett came home and so I went out to play AC2 on the PS2 while they smoked some and tried some of the salvia I had left. By that time it was late and I had drunk some water so I wouldn't be so hungry anymore. I went to sleep then and it was the end of that day. Pretty short, actually.

December 25th 2001

Merry X-mas everyone! Well, it's over now but... Well it's the thought that counts right? Today I woke up, after like 4 hours of sleep, and I got dressed quickly, meaning I put on pants and a sweater and went to my parent's house. I got there in record time. 5 minutes... and went in and we watched some tv while they cooked and then we opened presents. I got some clothes, a vacuum cleaner and a trash can, and some wrist pads I guess for mouse and stuff, and I got a little clay kitty my sister made me. Everyone seemed to like their presents all right. I was like yum yum, foooood... I hadn't really eaten in like 2 days. After that I was tired, because my lack of food was keeping me up, so I went upstairs to my own room and fell asleep on the floor. They put the blue chair back in there, but I still liked the floor better, because it's like my futon. And I guess they came and put a blanket on me and stuff. I dreamt that Garett had gone and used my bathroom and stuff... It's ironic because when I came home he had.... I woke up and we ate again... Omlettes and mashed potatos and stuffing and stuff. It was num num... And then I hunted for the movie the Phantom Tollbooth and I watched that with my sister and when it was over I went down and watched the last half of The Mummy Returns. I thought about Heather the whole time. I was like, gee, would Heather come and pull me out of a pit where I was being dragged down by damned souls while the roof caves in? Or will she run away and fall into a pit of ants and drown? I miss her alot. Out of all the things I got for Xmas what I wanted most was to hear her voice... or talk to her... or get a letter... something.. anything to know she's still alive... and stuff... -sigh- I came home and stuff and I was all upset and distressed. Eric got a chair and some silverware, and a coffee table. So that was kinda cool. Now we have a table. And then we went to get something to eat but everything was closed so we drove down to where we used to live and got mexican food. I just played Marvel Vs Street Fighter. I am really bad at it... It's sad. I could kill the cpu on MvC2, but on here I was getting worked. And always by Jin... He's a crazy guy... Well anyways, then we went to Carl's house looking for herbs... and that was a blank... and then we dropped off some grits at Ashley B's house... and then came home and here I am... I am probably going to play Soldier of Fortune and then eat some salad and go to sleep. My days are becoming droll.

December 26th 2001

Well today I woke up, at about noon, again. Showered and snuck out at like 1 PM for work and stuff. I got down there and played MvC2 with Justin until I had to work. I got yelled at by Russ about playing games during the day shift. I can never tell with that guy if he's kidding or not. He's always like, you're late. The clock is 3 hours fast and stuff like that and I am like uhhh... Well it was a fairly long day... This girl was like, um this machine didn't give me tickets... and I was like, unconsciously checking her out I guess. I feel kinda bad... She was a cutie, but I dunno... She's awful young. She was wearing this little shirt that was sleeveless and this jacket type thing and her shirt said cutie on it in red sparkles... and I guess her eyes followed mine and stuff and I was like, look her in the eyes.. the eyes man! How embarassing. But I gave her 6 whole tickets... and that was it. But later on this mom type person came in and she was like, are the machines working? And I was like umm... yeah... should be. And she was like, you look tired... are you tired? And I was like a little I guess... And she came over and she was like, this game jammed, and I dunno... I feel like... she was... lonely... and... maybe it's just me.. Heather would probably read this and turn all green.... And she's sooo cute when she's green... I just like it cause she's all pouty and I can huggle her and kiss her and stuff and she'll be all like, you and your women... But you know you don't have to worry Heather. I am completely resistable to women... They were talking about going to Vegas at work, and I was like, I think I'll go to Vegas in Janurary. And they are all like, you didn't meet her here? She doesn't live here? And I was like noo... and they were like man... Rough. It's sad. Everyone thinks we won't get through it... Cause of the age difference and the distance. What do you think, Heather? If you ever read this.... Well we closed the store early, and cleaned really fast and then stayed and played for an hour. It was great. All these people watching outside the glass as we played on. But then it was late and we were tired so we locked up and went home. I took the opportunity to vacuum with the new vacuum cleaner, although there was the incident where I ran over the spiked necklace and I was like ahhh!! I just got it and that'll break the belt!! But I managed to hit the power switch again... with my foot cause it's in that weird low place... and I got it out... It's a pretty simplistic vacuum cleaner, but oh well.. It works. And then after vacuuming the living room and my room, the living room was a nightmare... with chips and cheerios and who knows what! But I got most of it... and then I put some dishes in the dishwasher... that's scary too. I don't think the dishwasher can even take the shit off some of that stuff. I'll like end up having to soak it in soapy water and scrub the hell out of it... And then I went into Eric's room and put away the silverware he got for X-mas, and then I made something to eat and by then Garrett came home from his outing with Chris... and I let him in. We watched TV for a while and then he lay on the sofa with the blanket and I went to watch episoide 1 of Lodoss War. That was cool. I like watching stuff on my cpu. Because I bought that expensive video card and want to use it. And then I got bored and found this 13 y/oi girl to talk to... about hair... and hair care techniques... -snicker- no, not really. Just... someone to talk to I guess. Oh well. I'll probably end up playing a little bit and going to sleep because I need to do laundry and that means getting up fairly early... Unless I can somehow try to wear used clothes again.... I dunno...

December 27th 2001

Oh wow am I tired today... I woke up and watched Lodoss War on my computer, it was cool... And then I went down to work and stuff, played for a little bit. Today was busy! I mean wow... We wanted to close at 9:30 again, but so many people came in we couldn't! It was like, packed with ike 80 people at 9! There sure were many many people... I caught Andrew checking some girls out. I was like, why is he leaning over the counter? Oh..... Not me though. I pissed off some people because we closed the counter and I wouldn't help them with their tickets... So Joseph had to do it... I was like, I'm tired, we're closed, we told you a long time ago... shoo. I thought about Heather again today. I suppose it's the whole every time I see a baby thing. I wonder how she is. I never see her anymore. My mom asked if I was over her yet. I was like, no... not quite... I had a cool dream or something this morning, but it's hard to remember it. I think I was at Junction 8, and like, we were stuck in an elevator and stuff and I climbed out the access shaft and stuff and found my way down to the ground and sat on a bench and pulled out my pipe... but it was like, bigger, well... the bowl was. But I have no idea what I was smoking... The leaves were big and oval and green and yellow and it was weird... I was like, alright whatever... It doesn't burn... And it was just crazy... I remember that one dream I had where I was wandering around Singapore and stuff and it started to rain and I went to the Namly house and it had no walls. Such weird dreams. Joe brought his Dreamcast so we played MvC2 on there. It was kinda cool, being able to fight indefinitely.... Practicing the Sentinel combos and learning the triple hyper viper beam. Oh my... I'm so tired and distracted... I don't know what happened today... Like nothing... really... I am wondering if I should go down to Staples tomorrow and get my checks or wait for them to be mailed to me. I dunno. I'm tired... I'll go and sleep now or something... Drink some water. My throat is dry... -sniffle- It's cold.. and lonely here... I hope you don't have that problem.

December 28th 2001

Well today... what did I do today. I worked... I know that. I played a couple of people during my shift and I kept losing. I guess it was because I only eat like once a day... And I couldn't concentrate. I know what happened! I got EQ to work... That's what I did all day before work... And I did the laundry, colors and whites... And Geoff called. He got a tortoise for X-mas. The ones that live longer than people. He'll try to take care of it until he's too old then he said he'd eat it or something... He's gonna make it watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles every day and stuff. It's kinda funny. Yeah so that's what happened until I went to work and started losing. And Chris said if I lost again I'd have to stay back and like be the counter bitch or something. So I didn't play again. Well not till later when we were closing and stuff and Chris couldn't beat Ronnie so I used the infamous Spiral and beat them repeatedly. Got my fastest win too... Like all 3 in 32 seconds. But I was so tired at the end of the night I just left and didn't stay to play with Chris. And when I got home I played EQ again. That game really is kinda.. fun... And then Eric and Garrett came home and stuff and they watched porn and stuff and I didn't like it cause they were like mexican whores and I don't care for any girls other than white ones and real asian ones... not those like korean or filipinos or who knows what. It had the most horrible music too. I kept hearing it in my room and they were all like, doing who knows what and Garrett was acting like he knew it all and stuff and that he did all the stuff in the movie and shit... That guy.... he breaks into my room and stuff. I noticed all my stuff was moved and missing... I was like, didn't I have soda in here... Or I would reach for a cig and it would be empty... So I was like, -sigh- and then I noticed it was 4... and I went to bed.

December 29th 2001

I woke up around 12:30 today and got on the computer right away. After all, I am addicted to EverCrack now... And then before you know it it's time to go to work again. I was hoping to get food, but that was like... wrong. Every parking space was filled and I had to part out in the back further than I ever had parked before. All these people who took up two spaces. It was so... embarassing... I mean, how can you just park in the middle right over the line? Have you no conscience? I thought they would get a ticket or something but... Oh well.. I moved my car later... I didn't get a break until like 9:15... So I was so dead. I just stood there, with my arms crossed, not saying anything and people were like, all thinking I was like... They like wanted to beat me I could tell, but I was so hungry and tired... And that food didn't seem very cooked this time. I was all light gray and I was like um.. well it's food so I'll eat it. I think I have tomorrow off, so that's good. I've been working many days there and I am like, whooo... We'll have to see if my paycheck is worth the effort. I went so slow doing everything today... And I kept thinking about Heather today... I wonder if she thinks about me... if she loves me... if I'll ever get to see her again.... It's getting closer and closer to the day, and if I don't see her I can't go down there. I don't know what hospital to go to... I don't know what I want to do. Stay up and play eq or go to sleep. I think I'll do the latter, and get up early tomorrow and play... I just... want to think... I talked to a girl the other day who thought I had a vampyric aura... and I was like nooo... but then I thought, and it might be true. I thought that inside me is the Nothing... and people might sense that in me, and it might stir the Nothing in them, and as their Nothing grows they start to feel what I do... and they get scared and run away.. So in a way my Nothing feeds or theirs... I don't know. I have to think about it some more to understand what the other side is trying to do. She said I was full of lust and hate too... I guess that would be the other side... the side supposedly ruled by pure logic... but it's more like kill everything... I can feel him inside sometimes... especially when I'm frying.... That's where they fight and go crazy... But anyways... I'll go to sleep and in my dreams I'll be back in that room... with Heather lying next to me... and I'll look over into her eyes and pull her close and kiss her nose and tell her I love her and hold her and feel warm and safe and go to sleep happy... and complete... until I wake up and realize I'm alone and it's cold.