A Two Part Episode by Mona Liza
With a Conclusion at the end.
He sat on the hospital stool by her bed. The lines of worry stretched across his brow as the weariness from lack of sleep ate away at him. Barely just recovering himself, he had not left her side. Stephanie had spent most of the morning with her mother. She had laid her head on Kayla�s hand as she spoke to her of all the things they would do for Christmas. She had told her mom how wonderful it would be to do a shopping trip in New York. They could do a Broadway show afterwards, or just hang out at any of the hundreds of trendy restaurants in the city. But first she had to wake up. That�s all Kayla had to do, just wake up.
Shawn came less than an hour ago to take his granddaughter home. Stephanie had kissed her mother�s cheek and wiped away a tear that had fallen there. She whispered the words very quietly, but Steve heard her small frightened voice, and it scared him too.
�I love you mommy...�
He had stood by the door watching. Stephanie looked at him and threw her arms around him, sobbing uncontrollably. His tears started falling too as she pulled herself back and looked up at him.
�Why�?� The question died on her lips and she cried once more.
Shawn took her then and led her out the room. She held onto his hand and until the distance between them grew too wide and they separated. Steve walked slowly to Kayla�s bed and took the empty seat by her. Her hand lay limp by her side with the stark whiteness of her pallor battling against the hospital sheets. The sound of the monitor called to him as he watched the slow and monotone beeps of the machine. His hand moved slow, taking the tiniest steps towards her before it clasped her fingers. The warmth was leaving her. He could only feel the cold. Searching her features, he tried to remember her, but there was nothing. He closed his eye and lowered his head then. There was nothing else he could do but pray.
Kayla walked through the door and found herself surrounded by the whiteness. Confused she turned around and saw her hospital room just beyond the doorway. But on this side, there was nothing. It was all white. She took a few steps away and stopped. She saw it. It was over there, not too far off that the gray came into view. The fleeting curiosity lasted but a moment. One second she wanted to look and the next, it all felt blank. She took a deep breath and realized there was no pain in her lungs. It didn�t hurt over here. It came to her that she should wonder why, but she didn�t. It wasn�t that she didn�t care. But over here, in the white, she didn�t feel.
The clothes she wore where the same ones she had on when she came to the hospital that morning. When she first left the room, they seemed brighter, more vibrant in color. Now she looked down on her blouse and jacket. Had the colors faded a little? The thought did not bother her. The colors were different, but the question just hung in the air. She looked again towards the gray. Focusing ahead, she started taking a few steps closer when he called out to her.
�No Kayla. Don�t go there!� He was beside her. She turned to face him and remembered the last time.
�It�s you.� He still looked like Steve. For a moment, it seemed he had faded into the walls, but as he took a step closer to her, she saw he was dressed in white. He was smiling at her, but she could not return the gesture. He took her hand and started pulling her back towards the door. They reached the entrance when Kayla pulled her hand away and stood just within the white.
�I�m not going in there.� She told him.
�It�s all right. I didn�t expect you�d want to return just yet.� He smiled at her again.
Kayla just stood, hearing the machine just beyond. She wanted to ask him, she wanted to know why it all felt so unimportant to her. Why did she not feel things over here?
�Where�where am I?� She was confused and then she wasn�t. �It�s strange here. I feel�no not feel. There�s nothing here. It�s just all�empty. There�s nothing but the white.�
�Over there�� He pointed to the doorway. ��is life. And here, it is as you see. It�s only white.� �Are you confused Kayla?� He asked her.
�Yes�and no. I know I should feel confused, but I don�t.�
�You won�t feel much here. No one does. That�s okay. You�re not suppose to feel anything here.�
�This isn�t�but I�m not dead!�
�No. You�re not dead. But I have to warn you. It�s not a good idea to stay here too long. This place will change you. Just look.� He reached for her sleeve.� Can you see, it�s already fading. The longer you stay, the more it ceases to be anything.�
�That doesn�t make sense.�
�It�s not suppose too. This place is just as you see it. It is just white. There is no color here. There is no sound. You will not laugh here. You will not cry. There is no pain, no joy, no anger, no sorrow. You will not want, or need. You will not feel hate. You will not have love.�
�I� I feel lost? No, not lost. Empty?�
�Kayla, the longer you stay, the more you will not care. When that happens�� He turned his head and looked towards the gray. �Over there, you will move over there. You will not choose to, you will just be�there.�
She looked to where he pointed. It was still a a good distance away, but she started thinking about walking towards it again. Then she looked at him.
"You still look like Steve. It is you, isn't it?"
"Yes. I wasn't sure if you would remember."
"I didn't until just now." She took a few steps to her right and looked around. Reaching out a hand she felt at the air, but there was nothing. She took another breath and smelled deeply. Not the faintest scent was there. As she walked in a small semi circle, she suddenly stopped and looked down. On her feet were the same shoes, but they had not made a single sound. She looked up, slightly surprised at him as he nodded back to her. Once more, she looked around her before coming to stand next to him again.
"How big is this... room?" She asked him.
He gave a quizzical look as he pondered the answer. "Truthfully... I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"I was never told and I never bothered to ask!" He suddenly reached out and pulled up a chair for her. "Why don't we sit and talk. Much more comfortable than standing."
The chair seem to come out from no where. It was as white as the floor, the walls, the ceiling, the air. He sat down across from her and placed his hands on the table. She touched her fingertips to it unsure it was really there. It shimmered slightly, but only for a moment before it stood almost hidden from her.
"So tell me... Do we get drinks her too?"
He just smiled at her again. "No can do. No glasses!"
"So what do we talk about?"
"We can talk about Steve?" She frowns at him then, but strangely, she doesn't feel annoyed at his question.
"I'd rather talk about something else." She takes a quick peek at the doorway. "I'm not doing too good in there... am I?"
"You're in pretty bad shape."
She thinks about Stephanie then. Earlier she felt her daughter when she sat beside her. Stephanie had held tightly to her hand. She kept caressing it, trying to warm her cold fingers. No matter how hard Kayla tried, she couldn't get her hand to move. Stephanie talked endlessly to her about Christmas. The shopping, the presents she wanted to get. How the three of them would be a family this year. But that was a problem, because there was still just Stephanie and her.
"I'm worried about Stephanie. She doesn't deserve this. It's not fair!"
"That girl's been through a lot. It might get worse before it's gets better."
"Is there something you can do? Can you help her?"
"I'm sorry Kayla. I can't do anything for her."
"Why? You helped before?" She searches inside herself, but the feelings aren't there. The words fall from her and are spoken, but they lack emotion or meaning. "I'm the one who can't do anything."
"Why do you say that?"
"Isn't it obvious. I'm dying. That poisonous gas... I can't fight it. The antidote doesn't work for me."� She thinks about her baby girl, now she will lose her mama.
He looks solemnly at her before replying. "Yes. You are dying." "But you can do something."
"What? I have no strength. I can't move, I can't talk. What can I do?"
"You can choose not to give up." He tells her. He stands up then and walks towards the door. Standing by the doorway, he looks in, watching Steve as he remains by her side. "Do you want to take a look Kayla? He still there. He hasn't left your side."
She shakes her head at him and looks away. Dejected he returns and sits back down. Kayla notices then, on her finger, the ring has dulled. The gold no longer shines. He takes her hand in his and touched the band. "That happened very fast. I guess I have less time than I thought." "Kayla..."
"I can't choose! My body is dying! I can't choose to make it stop. It's out of my hands"
"Kayla? You can still choose to fight. You have a tremendous spirit. Use it. Feel it inside of you."
"I would be fighting a losing battle."
"It's not a battle. It's a choice!"
"A choice? I'm suppose to choose to fight for my daughter. I'm suppose to choose to fight for my marriage?" She felt it then, the smallest spark of pain. She swallowed hard and caught her breath. "I loved him for years. I loved him as no one has loved him. But... he doesn't want me."
"Kayla. The choice is not his. The choice is yours to make."
She wasn't listening. She thought of what was behind the door for her. "I felt it, the smallest bit of pain just now, then it dissolved away. Over there..." She pointed to the door. "Over there, it's always pain. But not here. It doesn't hurt here."
"No. It doesn't hurt. It will never hurt here. But you will never feel joy or love here either." "Is that what you want?"
"What I want... I won't get."
"You want a lot of things."
"I want my family, my daughter... my husband? Is that so much to ask for?"
"There are some who will never have any of those things."
"So I don't deserve them?"
"No. I didn't say that. But if you couldn't have all of that, would you throw what is given to you away?"
"You mean Stephanie?" He nodded at her.
"I don't know how Stephanie will handle losing you. With Steve, she was just a baby. But now? She knows the pain of what it is to lose someone. Especially the one person who has always been there for her. Are you willing to give up Stephanie, Kayla?"
"I could never give her up! I love her more than my own life." She felt it again, but.this time the pain was less. He saw the change in her and he sighed deeply.
"And what about Steve? Can we talk about him now."
"I told you before, he doesn't want me. I've already lost him."
"He came back. That was more than a miracle."
She tried not thinking about that. He had been dead so long. She mourned him every year. On his birthday, she and Stephanie would go to church and light a candle for him. At Christmas, she still hung a stocking with his name on the fireplace. But now? He was alive, but he wasn't a part of her life.
"He doesn't love me."
"You're correct. Right now, he doesn't, but he does care for you. If he didn't, he would be sitting out there."
"Maybe he should just go home."
"He probably should. The doctors told him he should be resting, getting his strength back up. But he won't leave."
"Can you make him go?"
"If you can give me a good reason, I'll consider it." He sits back in the chair and watches her. Kayla looks blankly up at him. She tried to feel the pain of his rejection, but there's nothing there. She thinks on recent past events when he shunned her and she cannot remember any of it. She knows she should be hurt or angry or both, but she isn't. She doesn't feel the pain here. "I can't come up with a reason." She tells him. "It's because I'm here. This place is making me..."
"What Kayla? What is this place doing?"
"I... I don't know. There is no reason here. It's just... empty... Bottomless."
"It will only get worse if you stay longer."
"But I should be here. I don't belong there anymore."
He took her hands in his and held them tight. She looked at their hands. She saw how his hands held hers. It should have felt comforting. The tightness of his grip would have hurt her hands, but it didn't. The longer she looked at them, the more she felt detached. She couldn't feel him holding her. "I think I'm losing." She knew it, even if the smallest hope sparked inside her.
"Kayla. Just walk with me to the door. You don't have to go in. Just stand with me there a moment. Will you do that?"
"All right." Together they stand and walk to the doorway. He goes directly in the doorway, but Kayla stands just inside the white. She sees Steve, his back towards them. His shoulders are slight slumped forward. The sound of the heart monitor is filling the room. The single continuous beep signals she is still alive, but it grows slower and weaker. Suddenly he stands. He quick movements knock over the stool as he gasps in shock staring down at her.� "Kayla" He yells aloud. "Oh my God! The Pool Stick! You gave me the Pool Stick!"
Steve was waiting outside the loft as Kayla emerged from the lift. He
jumped out at her as she looked back at him, slightly annoyed by his actions.
She didn't know he was waiting for her.
"You promised me a present. Baby! I'm here to collect!"
She asked him instead about the memorial service, why he left without
saying a word. As she opened the door, he walked passed her and saw the present
on the table. He didn't feel comfortable being there so he left, he told her.
He took the present in his hands, a big smile on his face as he started to open
it. He was like a small boy on Christmas morning.
"It's not even Christmas!" He told her as he took out the
oblong box. When he opened it, the smile disappeared form his face and he
looked back at her confused.
"What's this." He asked her. He started to put the pool
stick together as he kept looking at her for an answer.
"Do you like it?"
"Yeah, Baby! I like it, but I haven't even gotten you
anything!"
"It's not for Christmas." He looked so confused by her
answer. "It's for you. I just wanted to give you something." He took
the stick in his hands, holding it reverently as a sadness flickered across his
face. "Didn't anybody every give you a present just because?"
"No!" He shook his head at her.
Then she gave him a small smile. "Then let me be the first."
He put the stick down and went to her. Holding her face in his hands,
he kissed her. As she kissed him back, she pulled at his shoulders and asked
him to stay the night. He stopped then, but kept her in his arms. She wasn't
asking for a commitment, she told him. "I just want to be with you."
He suddenly turned from her and picked up the box and pool stick and
headed towards the door. "Thanks. baby." He told her as he exited the
room.
"Steve!" She called out to him. "Why? You stay with
other women?"
"You're not other women, Sweetness. You see with other women, I
can love them and leave them. But if I love you. I could never leave."
He grabs at his head and and pulls at the tears that have fallen. Slowly he steps back to her, calling out her name. "Kayla!"� He grabs at his chest, feeling a new pain there. "Baby, I remembered that! I remember the present you gave me!" Reaching her bed he falls to the ground beside her. His face is covered in tears, the anguish is written across his face as he kisses her hand and buries his face at her side. His sobs are torn from his heart, as he lifts his head and looks down at her still body. "I'm remembering, Baby!. I'm reme..." And the next memory strikes at him. He falls back on the floor, his hand grasping at the sheets as the remembers the song they danced to.
He had called her parents, her sister Kimberly, and Roman for her.
They were all so happy to know she got her hearing back. It bothered her that
she still couldn't talk, but Steve was too happy to even notice. She had
brought the dirty plates to the sink and signed to him that she wanted to go to
the fish market to help decorate for tomorrow. But he told her she couldn't
."Your mama and Calliope said I had to keep you here. Something about the
bride not seeing the place decorated before the wedding."
She seemed to accept his answer, but there was something else she
wanted to do. She placed the tape in the player and the song came on. She
started walking towards him as he met her half way and they began to dance
"I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance
I have never seen that dress you're wearing
Or the highlights in your head that catch your eyes I have been blind
The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek
There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I wanna be
But I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never for get, the way you look tonight. "
Around and around they danced, giving each other little kisses as he
held her in his arms. When they got to the sofa, he reached for her jacket and
undid a couple of buttons before they fell to the couch and embraced. As the
song stopped, Kayla suddenly pushed at him as Steve pulled himself up and
looked confused by her action. He asked her is something was wrong and she
signed back that everything was fine. "So why did you stop me?"
She smiled back at him and started signing again "Tomorrow we'll
be married, but now...tonight he had to go home." It finally dawned on
him. It was� the night before the
wedding, he couldn't stay there. She pulled at his hand and shoved him out the
door. "You're throwing me out!" He stopped at the door and looked
back at her. She stood there looking at him and she was the most beautiful
woman he had ever known. "I'll be thinking about you tonight. Is that
allowed?" When she nodded, he started to sign I love you, but stopped and
simply told her. It's nice to finally hear that she signed back at him.
"It's nice to finally be able to say it. And I'll tell you that everyday
from now on. I love you, Sweetness" He leaned in to kiss her, then she
pushed at him again. "One more, one more." He told her as he got one
last kiss before she threw him out and finally shut the door on him.
He pulled himself up from the floor and placed his arms around her waist. "Sweetness!, I remembered!" His voice cracked and trembled. He shook so hard he could barely support himself. "Baby, come back to me!" He cried in anguish. "I can't lose you now! Please! I finally remembered. Don't leave me!" He stroked at her face with his fingers. The rainfall of tears kept pouring from him as he placed his head at her chest. He took her gently in his arms and held her to him and and cried again. "Kayla, come back to me!" His cries are strong. They drowned out the noise of all other sounds. It fills the room until the very walls vibrated from his sobs and tears.
At the doorway, he stood alone. He hadn't realize Kayla had moved away. He was surprised by her actions and turned back to find her moving to the gray. "Kayla!" He called out again. "Did you not see? He remembers!"
She looked at him blankly. She had stopped, but stood very close to the gray. Only a few steps more was needed before she reached it. "I think it's too late." She told him. "I'm too weak now. Didn't you see? My heart is slowing down. It's too late."
"Kayla?"� He tried reaching for her, but she took more steps from him. "Just take my hand Kayla. I can still help you, but you must want it. Please! Just take my hand."
It was just one more step. She saw her hand extend towards him as her eyes caught the color of her blouse. It was off white now. His hand was still reaching for her, as she began to lowers hers. "Kayla don't!" He yelled back at her. It was a fleeting moment, but she did feel the loss then before she turned and took the final step. He walked slowly towards her and stood just within the white. All around her had turned dark. It wasn't like night, but a deeper, darker shade that entered her body and was quickly gathering hold. She felt the pull then and saw the black not too far behind her. If she reached that, she would be truly lost. The white was just one step forward, but she couldn't make herself move. He stood just in front of her, the whiteness of his clothes blinding her as her colors faded more. It was his sobbing she heard first, then she saw his tears fall.
"You're crying!" She looked at him in surprise. "I... I didn't know Angels could cry! Why? Why are you crying?" She asked of him.
The saddness was strong in him. It filled the air as his tears fell and shattered to the ground. "Oh Kayla!." He whispered the words. "You just died!"
In the other room, the single monotone sound ate up the silence as the screen reflected the flat line. Steve stood up from the bed and looked down at Kayla's lifeless body. "NO! NO! Kayla. Don't leave me!" He screamed.
"Kayla!" He spoke gently to her. "There is still a chance. Please just reach out and take my hand." He extended his hand to her and she watched as it just skimmed the gray. He was barely touching, as though it pained him to extend his hand further in. "There isn't much time. You can only stay there for a short period of time before you have to choose. Take my hand Kayla! "
The thought came to her, if she just lifted her arm, it would reach. A second passed, then another, and she just stood, undecided and unmoving.
"Call a Code Blue and get the cart in here STAT!" Dr. Berman yelled out to the nurse on duty as he pulled out the defibrillator. "Is it charged up yet!"
"Five more seconds!" An intern had come up beside him and opened up Kayla's gown. He watched the screen as the light flickered on and nodded to doctor Berman.
"Clear!" He called out as he placed the metal rods on Kayla's chest. Her body rose and sank back into the bed as the heart monitor continued to register a flat line. "Charge it up again." He ordered. "And get me 20 CC's" "Quickly!"
"It's ready!"
"Okay! Clear!" He looked again, but the monotone sound continued. "Damn it!"
"We're losing her doctor!"
"Charge it up again. Come on Kayla! Don't you give up on us!"
Standing just a few feet away, he knew his heart was breaking. All he could see was the rise and fall of her chest as they send another current of shock waves through her. The sound on the monitor had not changed. It still played the single death note that bore a hole in his ears and tore him apart. The tears gushed from him, as his blood chilled inside and he lost all care and feeling for his own life. Steve could barely see through his tears. His voice was trapped inside as he paced back and forth within the small confines of the corner, all the while praying for her life.
"Live! Live! Please God! Take me instead! Please let her live! I'll do anything! Anything!"
Dr. Berman ordered another re-charge as a second intern joined him. He could only catch a small glimpse of her as they worked around her. But it was the sound of the heart monitor that told him they were failing. That had not changed. No matter what they did to save her, the single note played on.
Kayla felt the first drops just then. She looked up and saw the rain coming from the endless gray ceiling. The drops fell on her, but she didn't get wet. As they touched her clothes, the colors appeared in quick, fast sparkles, before fading back into the gray. It reminded her of Christmas lights and for a brief moment she looked down in amazement and wonder. When she looked up at him, she saw he was surprised by the rain drops too. He lifted his hand up and tried to catch them. As the seconds passed, the rain grew stronger. There shouldn't have been any sound, but it was there. Just the slightest tapping of the drops as they fell on the floor.
"It rains in heaven too?" Kayla asked him as he looked to her, confused and baffled.
He touched the drops and frowned some more. "I've never seen this before. I've never see anything like this happen before."
"What's causing it then?"
"I"m not sure..." He turned and looked behind him for a long moment, then returned to face her. Taking one step closer, he stood just touching the gray. His eyes focused on her, but he did not reach out to her again. "I don't know how it happened... but it's here."
"What do you mean?"
"These are tears Kayla!"
"Tears? You mean heaven's tears?"
"No! They're his. These are Steve's tears! He's crying for you."
As the rains continued to fall, she started to feel it then. There wasn't suppose to be anything in the gray. Not even light would linger there, but something happened. The sorrow started slow, then spread around her until she could feel his pain on her skin.
"His love for you is stronger than anything I have ever seen. There is no possible way this can happen unless... you are his soul mate."
"I always believed I was. I had forgotten that." She spoke softly. Kayla looked down and felt herself drifting closer to the black. The pull was getting stronger as the rains came down in large heavy torrents. All this while, she had not thought much about being there. But as each drop touched her skin, she felt the quick flashes of pain and sorrow and it made her want to leave. She raised her arms and the color of her blouse had dimmed more. But as the drops fell, the small sparkles of color burst through and she found herself yearning to feel those same sparks in her heart. She looked up at him and saw that his hand was extended to her. The choice was hers to make.
"He has found you Kayla! Even I can't reach you from where I stand, but he has. Will you decide now? Can you choose now? There isn't much time left. You must choose Kayla! You must choose whether to return with me or stay!"
The gray was taking over, She could feel it's claim on her as the rain continued to fall. But the sound of the drops cut through the silence. At the place where emptiness reigned and light was hidden, Steve had reached out and found her. He was able to touched her, when nothing else could. She turned to face him and decided. Her arm lifted through the air and her hand grasped his as he pulled her back to the white. The rains continued there too, but they came with a warmth and comfort that brought a smile to her face. There were no smiles in the white, there have never been any, until now.
When the first heart beat registered on the screen, all eyes looked there as a single inhaled breath sounded through the stillness. "Blood pressure's rising doctor. It's still weak, but it's getting stronger."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Dr. Berman called to remove the Code Blue order. He removed the electrodes from Kayla's chests and instructed the nurse to do a twenty minute check, alerting him if any more fluctuations occurred. He examined his patient, noting the improved breathing and re-checked the readings off the lung machine. All results were showing a slight improvement.
"Nurse, be sure to write down the reading every twenty minutes and send them to me at my office. It's strange, but it looks like the antidote may finally be working." He turned then to find Steve leaning against the wall off to the far corner. The man was barely able to stand and was clutching his left hand to his chest. His looked very pale and weak. There was a dark circle under his eye and his face was haggered. "Steve!" He called out to him. "You have to get some rest. You're going to kill yourself if you stay here."
"No! I'm not leaving."
"Steve..!"
"Forget it! I'm staying right here until she wakes up!"
"Look! I'm not going to argue with you anymore. Fine! Stay if you have to, but get some sleep. The doctor's lounge is just two doors down the hall. Why don't you go there and lie down a while."
"No! I'm fine right here." He pointed to the chair near Kayla's bed and started to walk there when he suddenly slumped forward and nearly fell to the ground.
"This is what you call fine? Well I'm sorry, but you can't stay here. Hospital rules. The nurse and Dr. Jarrett will be here all night to monitor Kayla and you're going to that lounge." He called to the nurse to bring some blankets and a pillow and tried to steer Steve towards the door. "Bring those to the lounge. Mr Johnson will be staying the night there. See that he's not disturbed."
"I told you I'm not leaving..."
"And I'm telling you that you need some rest or you'll be back in here as a patient again. Come on Steve!"�
"Fine! But I'll only rest for a few hours, then I'm coming back."
"We'll be expecting you. Nurse? Can you help Mr. Johnson to the lounge."
"Mr. Johnson, please come this way."
As she reached around his waist to help him, her arm brushed across his left hand and Steve let out a moan. Dr. Berman turned around and reached for his hand as Steve tried to pull away. There was a deep, dark bruise already forming and a long scratch ran from his wrist up to the joint.
"That's a nasty bruise you got there. Nurse, get me some bandages and some aspirin. How did that happen?" He grimmaced as Dr. Bernam pulled at his wrist, trying to see if there was a sprain. "Well, it's not broken, but it might be sprained."
"I banged it against the bed frame."
"Well, I'll just bandage it up for now. You'll be able to sleep easier then. The aspirin should help with the pain too."
Kayla watched him from just within the doorway. The rain had finally stopped and a soft mist was in the air until that too disappeared and everything was as before. He had pulled her back into the white and walked with her towards the door. When they grew closer, she stopped a moment. Taking a deep breath, she walked the rest of the way on her own. He stood next to her as they watched doctor Berman bandage up Steve's arms. Kayla smiled to herself then and he looked at her in surprise. "Is something funny Kayla?"
"That man! He's had more bruises and cuts and injuries than anyone I have ever known. If you only knew the number of times I've bandaged him up."
"Accident prone is he?"
"If you want to call it that!"
"Well it looks like he's finally going to get some sleep. I don't think he's rested much the last twenty-four hours."
She was watching Steve carefully, noting his paleness and how tired and worn out he seemed. When Steve approached the door, Kayla stepped back to let him pass. The Angel saw the expression on her face and for a minute, he thought she would try and reach out to touch Steve. She certainly looked like she wanted to, but Steve was able to leave unaware of her presence there. The nurse led him down the hall and into the lounge. She emerged a few minutes later and returned to her station outside Kayla's room.
"We could go there and take a look.� Do you want to see if he's alright, Kayla?"
"No. I think he needs some time alone... to rest."
"Okay. So, while he's resting, why don't you and I finish talking... about things?"
She still had not entered her room. Doctor Berman had said her vital signs were stable, but she was still quite weak. He had assumed it was the antidote that brought her back. How could she explain that it wasn't something as simple as that. Standing there now, she couldn't feel anything again. The quick flashes of Steve's pain no longer pricked at her skin and her clothes were once more dulled in color. But inside her heart, something had changed. Steve had found her and touched her when all else was beyond her reach. It shouldn't have been complicated, but it was. Somewhere in all this, she sensed something was missing. If Steve loved her, why did she only feel his pain.
He had sat back down on one of the white chairs and Kayla went to join him. "Yes, let's finish our talk" She told him. " I need to have some questions answered."
"Questions?" His eyes opened wide at her, then he leaned back in his chair and slightly shook his head. "Okay! I knew you were going to be a challenge. As I recall, I had trouble with you last time too. But I've got no place else to go, so ask away."
Kayla just sat across and cleared her throat. "Fine."
With Steve, he had shown him glimpses into the future as well as a look back at his past. Kayla was proving to be a challenge. "If you want, I could show you what could possibly happen in your future?"
"Steve told me about those visions or dreams if I can call them that. I don't want to place my trust in those things. It's not certain they will actually come true. So it's really just wishful thinking isn't?"
"How very pessimistic of you. Of course I can't guarantee the future, but whose to say it won't come true, in some form or another."
"After all I've been through, I prefer better odds and a sure bet."
"You don't want to take a gamble on this?"
"Only if I know I'll win."
"I can't give you that, Kayla. I can only show you what could happen. In the end, it all depends on you and Steve."
She thought for a moment about her current condition in the hospital room. Medically speaking, it appeared she was improving. "I'm not going to ask you if I''ll survive the poisoning. Considering that you want me to fight must mean I'll make it if I choose to go back.
"Touche! So the question then is... will you choose to return. The problem before was that Steve didn't remember you, but now...things have changed."
"Have they? I'm not that sure? Tell me, what is it that I only felt Steve's pain through the rain drops and not his love for me?"
"Kayla? I can't even explain the rain drops! You can see for yourself that there's nothing here. It's even more so when you entered the gray." He sat up in his chair and moved slightly forward. He had placed his hands on the table again and slightly tapped his fingers together. "Steve found you Kayla. He crossed all this and was able to find and reach you over there. I can't explain how it happened, but it did. You may not have felt his love, but I can tell you this, only someone who loves you with his very being can do what he did."
She grew wary of his reasoning. It made perfect sense but her heart was telling her differently. When the rain fell, it touched her skin, but she did not get wet. Rather, the change happened inside her. Each tear drop sparked a feeling in her heart when all she now longed for was quiet. "What is it Kayla? What's wrong? Why are you hesitating?"
"I should have felt...his love. It seems wrong that all I sensed was pain. There's something missing. I don't know how to explain it."
He looked cautiously back at her. There is worry in his eyes as he ponders whether she will accept what she may not be able to change. "When I asked you earlier whether you would return even though you may not get all that you want, you never gave me answer. I believe you're frightened... frightened that Steve may have remembered, but you will still not have him back?"
She almost nodded at him, but stopped herself. "The moment he remembered Stephanie, I thought... Thank you God!. Now everything was going to be all right. We were going to be a family again. But instead, he tried pulling away. He said it was too much for him. He couldn't handle being a father. The very thought scared him to death. And now I think, if he did remember me, how would he act then? All this time, he's been pushing me away, saying he's not good enough for me. How would he act if he remembered I was his wife?" She turned her face from him as the single tear fell from her eyes. He looked at her in shock. The tear fell to her collar and left a bright stain." I couldn't bare it if he didn't want me then."
The readings fluctuated on the screen and for several second, the rate of Kayla's heartbeat increased slightly before settling back down. Dr. Jarrett went and checked up on her. He checked her breathing and took her blood pressure. So far, it was the same as the last time though her color had improved and a slow warmth was cursing through her. But as he turned to leave, he saw the tears fall from her eyes. His own eyes widen in surprise as he called for the nurse.
"Get Dr. Berman in here quick!"� When he reached for her hand again and he saw more tears roll down her cheeks.
"And if he didn't turn away from you, could you walk away never knowing that it was possible? Kayla you need to have faith! You have to trust that Steve will find you out there, the way he found you in here. Who knows? It may take a long time to happen, but if you believe in him, if you believe in the two of you, it will happen."
"That's what it all comes down to again, my choice. I have to decide whether to live again even if I'm not certain I'll ever have Steve's love."
"Kayla! You've loved him faithfully all those years when he was gone. And now, even if he doesn't feel the same way, can you honestly stop what you feel in your heart."
"No." She told him as fresh tears fell from her eyes. "If I live another fifty years, I know I will love him everyday until I die and maybe even beyond that."
"You know, they are no smiles or tears here in the white. But you have shown me both. I guess this means you already made your decision."
"Yes. I suppose I have." She smiled at him again as he rose from his chair and helped her up. He looked down at her a moment before he gently turned her to face the doorway.
"Do you still need my help Kayla?" He whispered in her ear. But she no longer looked at him. She was watching the sun beam that had appeared just within the door. There was no time there in the white. It seemed as though only minutes passed, but from what she saw, it was now early morning.
"No. I think I can find my way home." When she reached the doorway, she turned one last time to thank him, but she was all alone now. The gray was so far away from where she stood, that she could barely see it. The white was still there as it loomed large and bright, but it was all behind her. She took the first steps back into her room as the warmth of the sun greeted her. As she drew closer to her bed, she saw Steve sleeping peacefully, his head resting on his arms by her side. The nurse had given up on asking him to leave and left him. She reached over and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek before she lay back down and closed her eyes.
Her eyelids fluttered open and Dr. Berman was standing over her flashing a soft light into her eyes. She felt very sore and her head hurt. There was a dryness in her throat and she longed for a cool drink of water. She tried turning her head, but the muscles in her neck protested. She was able to move her hands slight, but it took most of her strength and she only tried a few seconds before stopping all together.
"Welcome back Kayla. We almost lost you there."
"What happened?" Her voice was hoarse and the words felt scratched as they rolled off her tongue.
"No, don't try speaking. It hurts doesn't it." She tried nodding, but that hurt even more. "Let just get some fluids in you first and some more rest. Okay?"
She closed her eyes again as the soft darkness of sleep claimed her attention a few more hours. One thought that did come to her before she went to sleep was that Steve wasn't by her side just then.
The following day, she heard the soft voices before she opened her eyes. Sitting by her side, Stephanie leaned over and gave her a quick kiss before she placed her arms around her chest, giving her a gentle squeeze. The movement brough her some pain, and she couldn't help the grimmace that appeared on her face.
"I'm sorry mom. I shouldn't have done that." Stephanie looked upset at her actions and gave her a remorseful looking smile.
"Baby, I'd be upset if you didn't give me a hug." She smiled back at her daughter as Stephanie took her hand and placed it to her cheek. Her voice sounded weak, but it wasn't as painful to speak now. She tried looking around the room and moved her head towards the doorway and saw Steve standing there. He had been holding back and when he saw her looking at him, he finally approached. She tried smiling at him and he gave her a relieved look in return. She wanted him to look at her with the same emotion that was flowing inside her, but there was nothing there. He was happy she was better and he looked pleased, but there was no sparkle. He looked as he always looked, viewing her with a stranger's glance.
She frowned then wondering what was wrong. Why didn't he come to her? Why was he holding back? She wanted to ask him why when Dr. Berman returned and said he had to do a check-up. "You can come back in about ten minutes."
"Okay!" Stephanie called out. "Mom? We'll be right outside."
"I'll be waiting." As they got to the doorway, Steve turned back and gave her a quick wave before leaving. When he did that, she saw then there was no bandage on his hand and wrist. She sighed deeply and smiled ruefully at the folly of it all.
Outside her room, Stephanie mentioned going down to the cafeteria for some coffee. Steve readily agreed as they headed towards the elevator. Once inside, he started rubbing his hand, frowning at the lingering pain at his wrist. "Does it still hurt dad?"
"Yeah! It does! I guess I shouldn't have taken the
bandage off."