| November 22, 2003 Ah, new page, yet again...my site has grown so much! So much in fact that I'm running out of my alloted room!!!! NOOOO!!! Easily remidied though, create a new Yahoo! screen name and a new website, simply linking back & forth between them. I'll make it easy on you, so you don't have to remember two URLs. Haha. Anyway, today is Sunday. I didn't have to work today and my god it was soooo great to finally have a day off and all to myself. I got all caught up on my homwork, my laundry, and my reading! I started Ordinary People by Judith Guest and The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier, in addition the The Scarlet Letter. I have to have 1/2 page summaries of S.L. for chapters 9-24 by the Wednesday following Thanksgiving break...I hate A.P. English!!! And my Linear Programming projet is due the 3rd too...blah. At least I don't have school Wednesday through Friday next week. Which still kinda sucks. I've gotten to like my Science class...*giggle, giggle*. But none of you know why-y, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Friday was the Everyday War, Napier, One Car Pile Up, Writing In Red, M.S., and Happy Bad Day show. There might've been more bands...I don't remember. It was HBD's CD release show, and I've gotta say, they haven't gotten much better than the first time I saw them, haha. But I got to see Writing in Red, One Car Pile Up, and Everyday War for the first time. Kenny's band really does kick a lot of ass. He played in his boxers...woo! Funny guy, funny guy. And Travis is just awesome. They have a really energetic stage presence. One Car Pile Up was really awesome too, and the fact that Dave Turner is in the band makes it that much better. I noticed he didn't have any pins on his bass strap, so I gave him my pin that said "Can't Sleep, Clows Will Eat Me". He got a kick out of it...maybe so much of a kick he didn't notice how much I was stuttering and blushing while I tried to talk to him...grrrr. Why do I have to be such an idiot around certain people? I mean, take Brady...I have to act intelligent around him...it's so stupid. I can't be myself around anyone anymore. Not even Heather. I want a friend, a good friend that won't leave me like Kevin or get a girlfriend like Justin. Heather's all Jack, Jack, Jack... I don't have anyone else. Maybe I should move to Florida, mom wants me to. But I don't know. I'd live really far from my Dad's parents and my cousins. Not to mention possibly screwing up my High School credits, having to wear shorts, and going to an even BIGGER high school. I would live close to Aunt Cindy and that would kick so much ass you don't even know...but still...I don't know. It wouldn't happen till this Summer anyway, so I guess I have a while to think about it. I get to go to Utah for a week before Christmas, I can't wait. Mom, yet again, doesn't want me to go. She says it's because I'll miss a week of school, but she really just doesn't want me to leave my room ever again. She hates it when I work or go out, so blah. I'm going anyway. I'll be back on the 21st, she wont have to be alone on Christmas, I told her I'd never do that again. Besides...that just felt weird... Anyway, I'd better be curtailing this novel, mommy wants to go to bed. So it's more reading for me! Haha, talk to all of you who care later! |
| November 24, 2003 Oh good god...what a fucking nightmare. Someone got on my screen name and asked Brad if he would miss me if I commited suicide. WONDERFUL. His mom called Mrs. Marinczic, and she called me down to her office to talk today during English. I ended up telling her how unhappy I am and about all the times I HAVE contemplated suicide, all the while trying to tell her it wasn't me who sent that IM to Brad. I don't know who it couldn've been...I thought I'd changed all my passwords...guess I'll be changing them again. So anyway, she called my mom and oh my god she flipped out. Not in the way I expected she would...she cried and got all motherly. Mrs. M. said she needs to take me to South East Mental Health, get me a therapist, and possibly some medication. I was so relieved, it was amazing. Mom picked me up from school and we talked. I was honest for once, finally. It felt reallu good to be able to tell her about my suicide notes and the mysterious "scratches" on my arms. I was srong though, she hadn't suspected anything. She still thought my latest batch were cat scratches-the fact I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt AND a hoodie never crossed her little mind...I'm a better liar than I thought. But I filled out a worksheet with my eating and sleeping habits, my fears and social tendencies, other things the like, and mom did the same. She's going to take it back to SEMH tomorrow and we should have an appointment with a case worker by the first of the year (yeah, it's gonna take about a month...guess we're not the only ones huh?), AHHH...I feel so anxious, but relieved at the same time. I don't want to open up to a psychologist to easily though...they'll make me change to quickly. I don't want to stop wearing black, it's comforting...and I will not change my music. It's the one thing I truly, truly, love aside from art and reading. And I don't care what anyone says, emo does make me feel better. A lot better. It forces me to realize I'm not the only one who feels this way. Keeps me somewhat grounded... Something I'm doing must be working because I'm still here. On that note, I'd like to thank some people for making sure I keep breathing, whether I liked it or not. Heather, Jessica, Kaileah, Justin, Matt, David. Jillian, Erica, and Travis once-upon-a-time...you've all done something at one time or another to make me want to wake up in the morning. I'll be waking up tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and all the days after that. If I have to take 26 pills a day, and see a shrink every other day, I'll live to see my future in the first person. Still... Back to black and set in my ways Can't help the fact the sorrow stays |
| November 27, 2003 Well Happy Thanksgiving! I'm bored out of my mind...sitting here at my grandmaother's house after eating a huge meal...waiting to go to Katherin's to eat another huge meal. Strange stuff this "Thanksgiving at someone else's houe" business is...soggy cornbread stuffing, and cranberry sauce with pears in it. That's just wrong. But hey, at least I'm eating, right? Damn, gotta run. Katherine's expecting me, but I'll add more of an entry later. |
| November 27, 2003 8:04 pm Happy Thanksgiving again! Holidays are always so damn traumatic. Can't people just get along, be honest with one another, and not do anything outrightly stupid for a single day each month?? I mean, I know it's too much to ask for the other 353 days of the year, but please? For me? God, I really want to call Nick. REALLY REALLY want to call Nick. And I don't want to call Matt. He's been drinking and he's still in love with Katherine and the only reason he'd show even a slight interest in me is to either use me to get back at her or get back with her. So...fuck. I want to put on my pajamas, crawl in my bed, and listen to Nick talk for another three hours. I want to tell him that I like green jell-o, and that I'm going to dye a chicken pink, just to piss him off (hehe). I don't want to be alone tonight. But then, I don't want people around. I'm so messed up in the head... Cannibal the Musical, hmmm... haha. He's really going to think I'm stalking him if he ver reads this!! But that's ok, I just want him to like me. Maybe I should just tell him that... Why do his eyes have to be so blue and gorgeous? Ok, that's it. I'm calling him. Goodnight everyone, and my grandmother's turkey was actually pretty good. |
| November 28, 2003 12:42 p.m. "Message CW-22. Welcome to Cellular 1, the number you have dialed is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, please check the number and dial again. Message CW-22." Yeah...needless to say, I didn't talk to Nick last night. I tried again this morning and I got "Message CW-22" again. Guess I won't be dying his hair...and I guess I wont get to tell him...anything. Fuck. This sucks. I'm sitting here alone, all day, with an ass load of homework I just really don't want to do. *sigh* Well, if any of you read this and feel like giving me a call, because I'm lonely, feel free: 214-0033, or 635-9275. Leave a message if I don't answer...I might go take a nap. Or a walk. Or a vicodin. Hehe. |