| September 29, 2003 Ryan Emmons killed himself. Shot himself in the head. He sat alone in his room, pressed the barrel of a gun to his head...and pulled the trigger. His 12 year old sister came home later that night and found him, in his room. He shot himself. I cried all through English. This isn't normal. I didn't talk to him at all this past year. He'd gone into the IB program. I hadn't even seen him...till Friday. I saw him in the DECA store. I said hi, and we talked for a while. Three days ago. I saw him. We talked. Thirty-six hours later...10 p.m. on saturday night while I was out with Jamie, Sarah, and Brianna. Driving around, getting drunk, having fun. He was sitting alone in his room with a gun pressed to his head. I shouldn't feel guilty...I didn't know...but I feel like I should never have fun again. Like I'd be doing him an injustice. I'm so tired, exhasuted from crying. I'm behind on everything. School, sleep, my eating habits have diminished so much I can't remember the last time I actually had a meal. I feel so sick to my stomach and I can't talk about him the past tense. I have to think...I can't just say "he had long brown shaggy hair..." I stumble over "had", has...has...has...it makes more sense...but it's wrong. It shouldn't be wrong, he shouldn't be dead. But I know where he's coming from. Been there. Tried that. Now that I think about it, it makes more and more sense. I need to read Lovely Bones. I'm going to commit suicide if I don't stop thinking about it. Who would miss me? My family: Mom, Grandma & Grandpa, Paul, Heather, Lea... who else? Justin, Kevin, Jack, Jessica, Heather, Jamie, Brianna, David maybe? Let's see that's 13 maybe 14 people. Wow. Quite a few. Jillian, Erica, Misty, Nyffler...they'd all start dancing and singing "Ding-dong, the witch is dead." Ah, fuck you all. I quote Blink 182 in saying "You'll be sorry when I'm gone" |
| R.I.P Ryan Emmons. I hope you have found peace, and may you never fade away. We think with fondness of your antics and intelligence, we miss your smile, and we will remember you always. If only you could be here to see how many people care about you. None of us will ever be the same, you've touched us in life and death. And I, for one, am eternally grateful to have known you. |
| October 19, 2003 I think I've waited long enough to add an entry that people have stopped checking everyday for something new. There is nothing new. Ever. It's all the same. A few highlights here and there, but all-in-all the world is one big let-down. Think about it...how many true optimists do you know? What about the pescimists? More of them huh? That's because people aren't as delusional as the "experts" make them seem. They realize the world sucks. Expect dissapointment and you'll never be dissapointed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying nothing good ever happenes to anybody. Everyone's been happy at least once in their lives. Even if it's when they pulled the trigger attached to the 12 gauge aimed down their throat. But if you sat down and listed absolutely EVERY detail about an average day, you'd find your list of cons a hell of a lot longer than your list of pros. But that's ok...at least you have your pros. Did you know your chances of living to 100 increases 50% the day you turn 20? Know why? Teenagers are stupid. They do stupid shit on a daily basis because they think they look cool. Yes, let's all try to stand on the hood of a moving vehicle going down a dirt road at 35 miles per hour! We may go flying off and snap our spinal cords into bits and spend the rest of our lives as bed-ridden invalids, but we looked cool! And then there's all the substance abuse. I'm by no means the good little girl my mommy think I am, but I don't make a living out of getting blazed every morning so my algebra class seems more interesting. David was telling me last night about what he and his friends would do EVERY night in Oklahoma...go get wasted. And I mean every night. Why? Because there is nothing else to do. Adults tell you to get a job or volunteer or whatever, but when it comes right down to it, no teenager in their right mind really wants to volunteer 20 hours a week at the homeless shelter just to have something to do. So how do we fix this? Fuck I don't know, I just work here. Anyway, I guess I can tell you of a few things going on in my life that you may or may not already know. David. **Smiles** David Anthony Johnson. **Giggles** Is MINE. **Laughs like a demented serial killer in a straight-jacket** The "hot guy in the hallway" is mine mine mine mine mine!! Ahh...words cannot express...He's deep, and intelligent, and funny, and drop-dead sexy, and...did I mention he's mine? ::Glee:: ::Contentment:: You should see the song he wrote me. (Untitled) I hate the world for what it did and I hate the world for what it is. It messed with my mind and hasn't gone away and all I know is a purple pain. But this beauty of red made it go away and her face, her smile, is my novacain. The world hasn't been the same. You told me it's the happiest you've been in a long time, you probably made me the happiest in my life. And in your mirror you don't like what you see, but every day you get more beautiful to me. I always like what I see, what I saw and haven't seen. Yeah the world is a bog depression, trying to teach its painful lessons... But now my pain is to see you cry and it's hurt inside because someone so beutiful shouldn't have to die inside. You asked What do you think of me? I just can't say what's so impossible to describe, But If I have to, you what keeps me alive. Death is a distraction and I can't stand not being with you everyday. Not seeing you is my pain. This girl, this punk, being with her is my greatest luck. And I say FUCK to the world which causes you pain, your fire is always on my brain, Because a rose shouldn't need to bleed. **crys tears of joy and happiness** La la la, he makes me smile. I wrote him a poem. What am I living for? With scattered thoughts and mangled mind I just can't seem to find the time To let all of this pain bleed out And find a reason to draw breath... I'm about to fail the only test that matters in an angel's eyes. But do you know? Sweet angel of mine, can you see? How much your leaving takes from me? My brightest parts have grown banal and I'm living in your footsteps with bated breath. I dread the day you turn to see me cowering Lowly Despicable and Frightened hiding from the world in your shadow. So keep moving, drag me along. You are what keeps my heart beating. You're so much more amazing than you seem to let yourself believe. I will try to make you see... My heart lies bleeding in your hands. No one truly understands, But god, you try that means the world to me. I sit here in my room Wish I was anywhere with you How did you come along And make all my dreams come true? |