| July 25, 2003 My little site has grown so much!! The additions of Lyrics of the Week and Travis' drawings have really improved it. I even added another poem. I'm so proud. And this isn't all I have to be proud of...I wrote Jeremy: Jeremy, This is so hard to say...Let me try to explain. Every time I think of you, I'm sad. More than that...I'm angry and depressed and I feel worthless. I know, or at least I hope, you didn't mean to do this to me, but it happened. I didn't do this to myself. Not completely. I want you more than anything, you know that. But wants and needs are two very different things and what I need is to cut ties. I can't talk to you without remembering, and remembering leads to dwelling, dwelling to disecting, and disecting situations that are in that past, that can't be changed, leads to slowly going insane wondering "what if?" I wish I were a stronger person so that I could be your friend without thinking about how you made me feel when we were together. But I'm not, and I can't. I've tried so hard because I don't want to lose you completely...but the fact is that I don't have you now and I never really did. I guess what I'm saying is that we shouldn't talk. At least not until I can think of what happened and just accept it, without wondering what I could have done differently. I just need you to do one thing. Tell me it's over, completely, 100% done, under the ground, dead and buried. Tell me there is no chance of us ever getting back together, because that is what I truly need to hear. I know that's how it is but like I've said before, until I hear it from you I can't make myself believe it. If you ever really cared about me, please please please do this for me. This is no trick to get you to tell me you still love me or any kind of stupid shit like that. I'm deadly serious, I need you to say it. This is the one thing that can let me move on. It's all I ask, and I do it in all honesty. Thank you. -Miranda Now THAT'S something to be proud of. If there is one thing I agree with Jeremy on, it's the fact that lately I have friends when it's convinient for them. When I fit into their schedules and when no one else is around...then and only then do they have time for me. While I do have an exception in Travis, this is really beginning to piss me off! Like yesterday, I was supposed to work until 9, but got off early because we were dead. I called Jillian to ask what her plans were and she said she was going to Erica's. I simply said "ok" and she went all guardian angel and said "but I'll call her and ask if you can come, then I'll call you back." I'm just thinking, ya know, it's ok, don't bother. All you're doing is getting my hopes up that I'm going to have somewhere to go tonight. And guess what...she never called. Imagine that. I talked to her online early this morning and she said she didn't call because Erica had said no, I don't want her to come. So instead of calling me and letting me know...she just let me slip her mind. Thank you Jillian. But whatever, I can't wait till school starts. Screw all you people. I'll find new friends and a new boyfriend and you can all just go practice safe sex and fuck YOURSELVES. |
| July 31, 2003 Wow, it's been a while. Grr, people PISS ME OFF. I fucking hate all the stupid petty drama of being a teenager. I hate the WORD teenager. Today this person IMed me and said "I know what you said about Jeremey and Shalia" and all this shit all over again. First they said they were a guy named John Castello...then after they got through trying to screw with my head, they "slipped" and said a guy was hot. Not a problem, "so you're gay?" "No, I lied. I'm not a guy". Oh go piss up a rope, all of you. I'm too angered and utterly shocked at the STUPIDITY of the human race to explain the conversation any further. Just click here to read it. On a lighter note...today at work, just before I went on break, Justin handed me a poem that he wrote and said "I think you'll like this." I nearly cried. This poem is...indescribable. It's so sad, but then it's comforting too. You'll just have to read it. But that's not even the greatest part. I wrote him a note just kind of making small talk and I asked him who he wrote it about. He must've read it later, I couldn't tell because we got busy and I didn't get a chance to talk to him. Just as I was walking out the door ar 9 o'clock, he caught my attention and said, "Hey, you know that day when we were sitting in Brianna's car listening to music? And you said it would pretty much be the greatest thing ever for someone to write a song about you?" I nodded. "Well, the first line of that poem sprang to mind just when you said that...it's about you." My jaw simply dropped. I could not, I cannot believe that someone wrote that about me, for me. I started crying and he hugged me. It is very possibly the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. Please, if you read this, read the poem. This is one thing that means a lot to me. Anyway chilluns, I'd better run. I'm getting pretty tired but it's only 1:45 am so I think I'll setup the rest of my quotes page and upload the newest of Travis' drawings. Well actually, this one isn't new. It's a self portrait he drew me when we were together so I would have a picture of him to take to Utah. I've kept it all this time... Oh yeah, and I'll (hopefully) be adding some new artwork by my friend Andy. He and Travis are in cahoots and he decided my page was worth of his work. Now don't I feel special? I just thought of something...why is it so bad to be sad? It's so much easier than trying to be happy all the time. You don't have to have friends. I'm incapable of being self-sufficient when I'm happy. I have to have others around, especially boys, to keep me happy and fullfilled. But when I'm not in a "good mood" I can be alone. I'm better alone, I'm capable, and intelligent. God this is so hard to explain. Nevermind. No one reads this anyway. |
| August 1, 2003 Hey all you crazy cats and cool chicks! Today is August first and I am officially in "school mode" as elementary as that sounds. I am no longer going to stay up past 11on weeknights, and slowly as I only have 27days left...I'm going to start going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I need to break my 12-hour-a-day sleeping habit. AND I get paid today so when mom gets off work we're going to go get my check, cash it, and hopefully get my ears pierced. I owe mom $20, and there's $40 for my cell phone bill...my check should be about $150, so I'll have $90. Plus the $50 I might've won from bingo...so I'll have $140 at the most, yay! Shopping. Most kids (especially teenage girls) like shopping for school clothes...and could care less about supplies. I mean supplies just mean homework right? HA! I love supply shopping! More than any other kind of shopping ever! (Well, except when I'm buying shoes...but that's another story). Pencils, paper, notebook that I get to personalize...muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Aside from having to buy a $100 graphing calcualtor for Algebra, I get to buy whatever I want. Glee!! Highschool, I've decided, is going to go one of two ways. I'm going to get new friends and a new boyfriend, I'll have a decent social life, and I might even be happy. OR, it's just going to be one big repetition of Jr. High, and I end up walking the halls alone evreyday, just like everyday of the past three years of my life. I suppose it's possible I did ruin my social life at East by pissing off Tim...but it's not likely. He may know a lot of people, but there is conciderable doubt in my mind as to the fact that all those people actually LIKE Tim. And as for Jeremy...that situation has pretty much just bandaged itself up. I'm cool with Shalia, which I think will turn out to be a very good thing, and therefor am most likely cool with Jeremy. While he too claims that he knows ALL of East...there is a big difference between Tim and Jeremy and wheether he choses to believe it or not, people LIKE Jeremy so...yeah. Of the choice of two evils, I'm glad I put more effort into getting back in with Jeremy than I did with Tim. And not so much that I'm back "in" with him, he just doesn't hate me. But anyway...I really cannot say which way this whole thing is going to go. I'm so scared that I'm going to be a freak still...but maybe there will be other freaks? I want to change, why can't I be a "pretty punk" like Jessica Morris or Misty Benzle? Oh wait, I can! Tighter shirts, tighter jeans, longer hair, that should do it, lol. But yeah, I'm sick of baggy clothes anyway. I'm starting to like my body and I don't think I'm going to mind showing it off a bit. I think I'm going to get my hair cut, but only to even out these layers. And I want to dye it...red. Bright red, background of this page red, Jillian red. I'm a little scared...but oh well. It's hair! It grows! *Smiles* I need to get to work, I still have to add Travis' "new" drawing and I want to clean my room, paint my nails, and then I still have to get ready...so yeah. I'll talk at you later. Have a cool yule and a frantic first. Ps-If you ever see it on VH1, watch Crybaby with Johnny Depp. Not only is it cheesy fun for the whole family, you get to see Johnny in black leather! ; ) |