story

OUR STORY

This is A grand mother's story
The Birth Of A Grand Daughter.
    My story is of a loving, hardworking, family with good intentions, but a lot of mistakes.
My Nicky used to tell me, she was never leaving home, and was going to have 16 children, { talk about threatening a parent } lol.
She really and truly did love babies and was so mad when she found out her older sister was going to have a baby first, so 4 months later, at the age of 15, Nicky was slipping out windows in the middle of the night and, one night I caught her and just made a decision, she would marry this boy, and they'd live here, then I would know where she was. Not the right decision, as far as the boy.
I did not know at the time, but Nicky was already expecting, and the boy was on drugs, and stealing from us, and would not work. In a big blow out. He moved out and my Nicky went with him.
Now Nicky has always been her daddy's heart, and he went and checked on her constantly. One day I was at work and my husband called to say, Nicky is real sick and He had brought her home, along with her husband. We both agreed at what ever cost we had to get Nicky through this, she was in very bad shape.
Nicky Has bad kidney's and the kidney infection's would send her into labor, around her fifth month, she couldn't hold anything on her stomach, because the medication made her so sick. Nicky was in the hospital from November 26 1995 till Feb 4 1996 outside of 11 days that she would come home, a day here a day there.
Nicky gave birth, 5 weeks early, at the age of 16 and weighing around 70 lbs.. She was so weak, she couldn't even push DD, out, the nurse literally got on her stomach and pushed for her.
    Desirae Danielle Snow was born at 10:20 am. on a Sunday, Feb,4 1996.
4 lbs----12 oz's,,,,, 17 and a half inches long. Sandy blond hair and blue eyes.
               A beautiful Angel.
A strong, healthy baby girl, She was only in nicu one day, preemie nursey one day, and regular nursey 2 days, We brought Desirae home at the age of 4 days old weighing 4 lbs and 8 oz's. Truly the happiest day of our lives, And the day - The only dream my daughter Nicky had was fulfilled.

A GrandMother's Story,
The Death Of A Grand Daughter,
Nicky was still so weak, but so happy and such a good mother, She took care of Desirae's every need. Desirae was a good baby, maybe to good, she hardly ever cried, and when she did, her cry was so soft. Desirae was her Mamas world, her Paw Paw's heart and she loved me too. She would open her whole mouth to smile when I sang Itsey Bitsey Spider to her.
Desirae was 3 months and 1 week old when I got a call at work from my husband, saying Nicky and Desirae were gone - { Nicky and her Husband had been seperated since DD was born and she had moved back with him } I thought this was the end of my world, I was wrong.
Nicky and Desirae came and spent Mother's Day weekend with me, and then my world really did come to an end.
The Sat before Memorial Day 1996. At 7:00am, the phone rang, Ed got up to answer it, he came back in bedroom and said get up we gotta get to hospital, something is wrong with Desirae, I sat up and said what, he said that was Johnny's aunt and Desirae wasn't breathing, NOW get up. The phone was ringing, Ed was dressing, I answered phone, it was the aunt again, she said they were South Flighting DD to USA hospital. I started calling my mama, my other daughter came in, I still had on night clothes, Ed said you ride with Jolene and out the door he went.
I went to the closet to get some clothes, but was back at kitchen table on the phone, everyone was calling.
I went back to closet, my sister-in-law came in. The phone rang, it was the aunt again saying the fog was to heavy for South Flight, so instead they were taking DD in ambulance to Springhill Memorial hospital since it was closer, and that Nicky was on her way to wrong hospital, they had made her go home to get clothes on, she had taken Desirae to rescue unit in nothing but her short t-shirt and panties. So I sent my son-in-law to go tell Ed he was at wrong hospital, but to wait on Nicky, then I sent sister-in-law and Jolene to right hospital to be there when Nicky got there, I had to get somebody to Nicky, but I was still in my night clothes.
I went back to the closet, my mom and my brother came in. I told him I needed to ride with him, he said ok, get dressed.
I went to closet, the phone rang it was Ed telling me he was at hospital and so was nicky but they were at wrong one, I told them where to go, we hung up, And I saw DD smile, I started crying hysterically and told my mama and brother She's dead, I know it.My brother screamed at me, get your damn clothes on or I'm leaving you, I told him to go, Get to my Nicky.
Mama got me settled down and asked me what I wanted to do, I said I need to go to the hospital, she said she'd take me then, I went to closet, the phone rang, It was Ed he was crying and I was crying and Desirae was an Angel.
I sat back down at the table, I never made it to the hospital, I never got to hold her one last time, I didn't go back to the closet. I litterally sat at this damn table in my night clothes for 4 years.
Somehow we got through the funeral, Desirae was placed in a white casket with gold angels, we called it her special bed. She was dress in a pink outfit with pink and purple shoes and purple blanket, she wore her baby jewelry, and her mama's sweet 16 charm was laced under her pillow, my nephew played guiltar and sang, JESUS HAS A ROCKING CHAIR, THEN ITSEYBITSEY SPIDER GOING STRAIGHT INTO AMAZING GRACE.
Nicky was my hobo child, and DD is our hobo Angel.
The road for me to come back has been slow and long.
Im now the nana of 5 grandbabies which I cherish each and every one of their days. they are my life.
This is my story but I also have an ending I want to share with you.

A grand Mother's Story,
How I Made It This Far.
   Lydia, Founder of SIDSFAMILIES Once asked this Question!!
Looking back at how far you've come since the death of your baby, what one thing do you think helped you the most to date, or gave you the most comfort or strength?

      I lost all reality from the moment we woke up and found Desirae never would. I lost my job, I sat at my kitchen table litterally for a year, I don't remember bathing, I stayed in pj's, same ones for weeks. I just litterally shut down and now 7 years later since no one else ever wants to talk about that time because then they'd have to talk about Desirae, I never gave much thought as to how I came through, untill you asked the question.....
I guess it wasn't any one thing, or one person, but looking back the biggest support, or instrument of my strenght had to be Jessica, she was 6 months old when Desirae got her wings, and my oldest daughter was with us alot so Jessica would be there, an innocent baby just wanting attention and love from nana, and thinking back on all the things I didn't do, I did get out of bed for her.
We all put everything we had into that baby, even Desirae's mother, and no we weren't trying to pretend she was Desirae, we were trying to not let our hatefulness and anger over Desirae's loss affect her.
   I would also have to say my husband was a blessing for me, he just loved me unconditionally, (can you imagine laying next to me, holding me, kissing me after no baths or teeth brushings) lol. Well he did... Not trying to be funny here, it is just a truth that took place in my life.
   God at the time, I did not know was apart of my healing. I have had to wait many years to start trying to look at the positive (if there is one) of Desirae being called home, and in this finding I have to add, My daughter was 16 when she had DD. She was no longer in school, and DD's daddy was a 17 year old boy on drugs.
Not all at one time, but in the last 7 years, my daughter went back and finished school, she has went to community collage and is a medical assistant, She is married to a good boy who is in the service, has a 3 year old son and as of july 14, (my birthday) she is going to have another baby.
Not that I'd trade any of this for my Desirae, but in reality if not for losing her, I know Nicky would not be where she is today, she was heading down the wrong road.
So if there is a reason, maybe this was it, and again can't say I agree with it, but can't say I'm not proud of my daughter either, so this is where I found my faith in God.
And that maybe his plan was to save Nicky, I don't really know, it depends on what kind of day I'm having, some days it's good to think this way, other's it's not.
Thanking you for letting me share my Angel with you and if you need to talk, or reply, or even vent please email me.
Desirae's nana,
Amanda