Attorney
General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics
presentation, he announces, "Alright,
boys
and girls, you can all ask me questions now."
Bobby
raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:
1.
How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2.
Why are you using the U.S.A Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3.
Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Just
then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes
later, the kids come back in class and again. Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were
interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."
Mary
Ellen raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:
1.
How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2.
Why are you using the U.S.A Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3.
Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
4.
Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
5.
Where's Bobby?"
GOLFERS
Four
men went to play golf. Three of them headed to the first tee and the
fourth
went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking
and bragging about their sons.
The
first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The
second man said,
"My
son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so
successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The
third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and
he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock and bond portfolio."
The
fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of
business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is
yours doing?"
The
fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and works as a dancer
in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally
thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be a really good. His last three
boyfriends gave him a house, a new Mercedes, and a complete stock portfolio!
Famous Last Words
Bill
Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small
Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall
and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing
squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the
confusion.
Al
Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and
Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al
yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the
wall.
The
last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I
see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over
the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was
reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to
ear and yelled, "Fire!"
Medical
Miracles
An
Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a
kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six
weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone,
says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of
Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is
looking for work."
LOST
BRAIN CELL
Once
upon a time there was a female brain cell
that
by mistake happened to end up in a man's
head.
She
looked around nervously but it was all empty
and
quiet.
"Hello?"
she cried, but no answer.
"Is
there anyone here?" she cried a little louder,
but
still no answer.
Now
the little female brain cell started to feel
alone
and scared and yelled:
"HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then
she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hellooooooo,
we're doooooown heeeeeeeere..!"
The
Texas Hillbilly
(Sing
along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)
Come
and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head
was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that
didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal
record.
Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to
Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all
his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to
snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.
The
next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at
home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy
you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose
candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the
booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the
place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the
GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the
election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't
let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so
they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval
County.
Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped
in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting
votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his
coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.
Y'all
come vote now.
Ya hear?
Fire
Destroys Bush Presidential Library
WASHINGTON
(Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President
George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential
spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not
finished coloring the second one.
|
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Bush
Goes to Hell
One
day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately
goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do
here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You
definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a
couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but
you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Bush
thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was
Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty
handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I
don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day
long."
So
the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented W.
The
devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with
his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent
over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in in
disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The
devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"