One fine morning...

"Aaaaaahhhh!!!!"

"Ohmigof! What happened, Quatre?" yelled Duo in alarm as he rushed into the blonde's room. "Did you hurt yourself? Did - "

Duo froze and sweatdropeed when he saw Quatre was fine. In fact, he was a little more than fine. He was only standing on a stupid weighing machine after all.

"Can you believe it, Duo? I'm five pounds overweight!" wailed the blonde in distress. "I've gotten fat! Oh, what a horrible, horrible thing and I don't want to end up an obese!"

"Relax, Q," said Duo soothingly. "Why don'tcha try weighing yourself again? Maybe you read the scale wrong or something."

"How can I misread the stupid numbers? It's an electronic weighing machine!!"

"come on, Quatre. Gaining an extra five punds does not make you fat."

"But then, that means that I'm overweight," the blonde wailed some more. He buried his face into his hands. "How can I ever face Trowa and live my life like always anymore? Trowa will think I'm unattractive and he'll ditch me.. I'm sure of it!"

"Isn't that a bit too extreme?" asked Duo. "I don't think Trowa will ever leave you just because you gained some weight! By the way, where is Trowa?"

"At te circus," replied the blonde with a sniff. "But when he returns *sniff* he'll be disgusted with me being an overweight hippo and then he'll drop me like a hot potato before I can even say 'french toast'!"

Duo sweatdropeed again.

"Soyonara, Duo."

"Whaaaatttt?! Whaddahell dya think you're doing?" Duo yelled as he tried to pry his friend off the window sill from which he was trying to jump off of. "Do you even know how far it is down there from up here?"

"Yes, I do know," Quatre said simply.

"Wu-man! Help me out here will ya??" Duo screamed like a banshee. "Damn. Oh, all right. Wu-FEI!! Get here this instance in the name of your HOLY JUSTICE!!"

"Hn. Finally you leant how to call me by my rightful name," came Wufei's gruff voice as he suddenly appeared beside the two boys.

After a millisecond has passed, Wufei finally realized what was happening.

"Oh, holy Nataku!" shouted Wufei, banging Duo on the head with both fists. "You dishonourable American, you! You're trying to kill Quatre!!"

"Wait!! He's the one who's trying to jump off the sill and I'm trying to drag him into safety. I'm not trying to kill him - you DOLT!!"

"Let go of me!" shrieked Quatre as he thrashed about like a drwaning person. "I need to do this!"

Suddenly...

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

"What the hell are you guys doing down there?" Heero asked in a monotone sa he poked his head out of the window where there previously had been three screaming boys a moment ago.

~*~*~*~*~*

"Hn. That was the stupidest thing to do, Winner," Wufei grumbled as the blonde put on a Sailor Moon fun-plaster on the scratch on the Chinese boy's elbow.

"Gomen. I wasn't thinking clearly," Quatre apologized with a slight wince. "It's just that I got ballistic because I gained some weight..."

"Hah! You want to kill yourself just because you gained weight?" Wufei asked incredulously. "Duo's fatter than you are but I don't see him trying to commit suicide."

"Hey! Watch what you say about calling people 'fat'," said the braided one indignantly. "Ow! Can't you be a bit more gentle, Heero?"

"Hn," snorted Heero, putting on yet another Sailor Moon fun-plaster onto Duo's scratch covered arm.

It was amazing how Duo was still alive and only managed to get the most scratches especially when Wufei and Quatre had both landed on him when they all had tumbled off the window sill. Truly amazing. If a stunt man did what Duo did, he would have been dead all ready. (Yeah, right. As if.)

"So, I guess comitting suicide is out of the question, ne?" asked Quatre meekly.

"Definately," Duo agreed. "Why can't you try something harmless like aerobics or something to slove your uh, dilemma?"

And manage to lose five pounds by the time Trowa gets back?" asked Quatre with an eyebrow raised.

"I don't see why not?"

"Aerobics are for onnas!" Wufei snorted. "You should do something more manly and honourable like lifting weights."

So it was decided that Wufei would coach Quatre with the weight lifting (since Quatre never lifted weights in his entire life before).

"Unh.. it's awfully heavy, Wufei," gasped Quatre as he tried to raise a five kilogramme weight with one hand.

"Aaahh!! You're holding the weights like an onna!" scolded the manly one. "Give it to me and I'll show you how to life weights like a 'real' man!"

"Okie dokie."

"Gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

With Wufei's foot injured, (Quatre had dropped the heavy thing onto Justice Boy's foot) he was no longer fit to be the Arabian's coach so Heero had taken the position as Coach No. 2.

"Um, so what are we gonna do?" Quatre asked nervously. "Practice target shooting?"

"No. We run."

So began the task of running non-stop for as far as thirty whole miles. But even before they were even done with a fourth of the planned distance, Quatre hda fainted and lay in a heap in the middle of the road.

"Damn," muttered Heero. "Thirth miles not finished yet. Must finish running all thirty miles."

Heero picked the blonde and hoisted him onto his shoulders. Then he proceeded to run all thirty miles with blonde on his back before returning to the Winner estate.

~*~*~*~*~*

Two down and one more left to go. With Coach No. 1's foot busted and Coach No. 2 fainting away from exhaustion, it wsa up to Coach No. 3, Duo Maxwell, to take on the job of being Quatre's exercise coach.

"OK, we'll do something that's fun and easy," announced Duo, leading the blonde boy towards the room which had lots of exercising equipment. "We're gonna exercise on the trampoline."

The American instructed Quatre to jump about on the trampoline as he stayed by the side and watched. Quatre was jumping so hard, his head looked like it was going to bang into the ceiling so in the end, Duo had to stop him for a while.

"No, not like that!" scolded Duo and then he clambered onto the giant trampoline that was even bigger than a King size bed. "Don't jump too hard or you'll ram your head into the ceiling. Just do what I do, se-aaaarrrggghhh!!"

"Uh, Duo? Did I forget to tell you that there was a small hole in that exact place you were jumping on and that actually, nobody's allowed to use the trampoline?"

"Yep. I think you forgot to mention that," said Duo wearily before he fainted.

~*~*~*~*~*

With all the coaches out of action, it ws up to he, Quatre Raberba Winner to take matters into his own hands and his mission was to lose those unwanted extra five pounds.

"And a one, and a two and a.."

A lively beat started and Quatre tried to mimic the movements of the aerobic instructor on the TV screen. 'Jumping for Joy with June' was the programme's title and the instructor was a woman by the name of June Fleawater.

The music wsa blasting so loud that Quatre didn't even hear the front door open and close. He didn't even hear the sound of footsteps coming his way.

"Quatre - " started Trowa but stopped short when he saw his blonde jump and stretch to some exercise programme thingy to the sound of him, techno music. Trowa sucked in his breath. "Oh, my.."

Quatre was garbed in tight, figure-molding silver and black lycra tight shorts and top with big, fuzzy sweatsocks and a pair of sports sneakers. The tall boy nearly drolled watching his blonde's perky ass wiggling about in those sexy shorts.

"Trowa, you're home all ready!" exc,aimed Quatre in surprise when he whirled around to see Trowa standing right behind him.

"Yes, I'm home darling and I'm feeling really hungry," growled Trowa and then he pounced onto Quatre who let out sqeuals of surprise and excitement.

~*~*~*~*~*

Duo: Why do we always get to have the stupid parts and end up looking stupid?

Wufei: Yeah! This is a total injustice, onna!

BV: *shrugs* Don't blame me. Blame my muse.

Duo: But you don't have a muse!!

BV: Oh, right. Then blame my hand for writing this sorta crap.

Heero: Ninmu ryoukai. We shall get rid of your hand, then.

*All three flashes gigantic butcher knives before BV's face.*

BV: Um, guys? Can we negotiate a deal or something? Why don't we all sit down and talk this over like civilised men.

Wufei: Kisama!! You are not a man, onna!!

Duo: Get her!!

BV: AAAAHHHHH!!!

Newscastor: We interrupt this ending with a news flash. This footage was taken right outside the Court for Crappy Fanficcers where a riot had currently erupted.

Duo, Wufei and Heero: *shouts* Who's the crappiest writer in the entire world?

Readers: Blue Violet!!