Cast of Characters

Jack (main character)- Heero Yuy
Rose (that's her name right?)- Duo Maxwell
Italian guy (You know. Jack's friend)- Trowa Barton
Rich, mean, bastard (ya know, the 1 Rose's supposed to marry)- Quatre Winner
Rosie O-Donnel- Chang Wufei
Engineer- Howard
Guy that loses Card game at beginning- Hilde Schreider (can't ever spell her last name)
Captain- Lady Une
WatchGuard 1- Treize Khusrenada (damn that's hard to spell)
WatchGuard 2- Zechs Merquise
Random Rich Person- Relena Peacecraft
Person that grovels at the feet of above person- Dorothy Catolania
The Ambiguously Lesbianish Couple- Noin and Sally Po
Not to mention others!!!

And now let the madness loose!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Son of a b*****!" the significantly more then half-drunken Hilde Schreider shrieked in shock as she threw her cards down on the bar table. Across from her a smirking Duo Maxwell collects his cards and smiled with a look of too much innocence.

"Sorry lady," the chestnut braided youth said, attempting to keep his grin from splitting his face. "Pay up."

"Why you gudfernouthinpieceaguttergarbage! I knows yer cheatin'! Dats why ye bought me all dem friggin' beers!"

Duo smiled, not wanting to mention that the cash for the 30 or so beers had been acquired from the drunken women's pocketbook. Hastily getting up and gestured for his pal Trowa to come out of the corner where he'd been silently standing, arms folded, collecting cobwebs for the past hour and a half.

"I'll buy ya a nice juuuuicy steak iffya wanna," the exasperated Hilde pleaded, not wantign to lose the tickets that she'd gotten from her Uncle Moneybags-Dermail.

"Gomen, but as tempting as it is I'm sure there's lots more on the boat," he grinned slyly. His stomach rumbled at the very thought of a succulent, just medium rare but not too rare slab of cow. "And since the boat is leaving we'd better move are asses out of this stinking pub."

CRASH! A glass mug broke the windowpane just left of Duo. Looking up in surprise Duo looked up to see an old bartender with a ridiculous mustache and eyebrows that covered his eyes.

"Little runt!" the old butler err...bartender yelled. "I'll have you know that THIS bar is the FAVORITE of MS. RELENA of the SANK KINGDOM!" The old man turned to retrieve a shotgun from behind a mirror, "I'll not have ANYBODY insulting MS. RELENA'S fine taste! Eat lead lil' asshole!"

And just as it looked like this hideous spoof would be brought to a quick close by the vengeance of a much too dedicated to his employer, gun toting bartender, (It's Pargan if you haven't made the connection yet) Trowa stepped in front of the old man.

"Gomen nasai, Pargan," Trowa said very humbly, suddenly pushing a wad of cash into the old man's hands and taking the shotgun away as well. "Just forget it and by yourself a new window."

The old man turned away mumbling curses to "avenge the name of the great Relena-sama" when a boat horn sounded loudly in the distance and with a curse Duo went to pick up the tickets laying on the table. But just as he reached to take the two tickets from the table Hilde's hand shot out and smacked his arm away.

This didn't hurt Duo but it did manage to jar loose the dozen or so aces hidden up Duo's right shirtsleeve. Duo was stunned, Hilde's mind took a while to comprehend all this being as how it was flooded with more then 12 gallon of CoorsLite but then in a drunken rage she roared out, "You dirtygudfernuthin cheater! Gimme back my tickets! And no steak for you!"

Lunging angrily the German girl grabbed at Duo's long braid and in a fierce struggle pulled on it while shouting, "Kisama cheater, you lost and I want THIS as my payment!"

The boat horn blew again and as the furious battle for the 10.2 kg chunk of hair went on, spilling drinks and knocking over almost every table in Pargan's Bar in Homage of the Great Relena-sama Trowa calmly walked up to the bar table and grabbed the two tickets. He slowly walked into the center of the room, cleared his throat and then at the top of his lungs.

"Zero System Dorothy Catolonia is here!!! For the love of God everybody flee for your lives!!!"

The small herd of drunken former Alliance soldiers quickly scattered out the door while a flustered Pargan aimed his shotgun wildly about shouting, "I must save Ms. Relena's favorite tea cozies from thee vile fiend! Show thine split in twain eyebrows if thou darest you dirty wretch!"

Meanwhile a slightly trampled Duo got up to his feet and looked down at the mishmash that was once Hilde Schreider. Wrinkling his nose at the site he looked up to see Trowa standing in the hole in the wall that the fleeing Alliance members had made, waving the two tickets triumphantly.

End of chapter 1

Yes I know that this was waaaaay out of line from the movie but so what? Tell me how you liked it! [email protected]