date: October2001
rating: NC-17
pairings:
overall- 5x4 3+4 1+2 [implied], and others.
this part- 3+4 &1 implied Rashid+Iria
disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, or any of the g-boys.
notes: //.....// = inner thoughts
warnings: yaoi *ANGST* slight language
*dedicated to my Caer-bear*
Pieces
Part 12a
by *kelley*
"Trowa, please..," he pleaded, "please think about what you're saying. You have to know that if you left me.."
"Only in death will you be rid of me."
Quatre sighed, and closed his eyes.
"You're so certain."
"Only of you, love. Only of you.."
Their conversation was interrupted by the entrance of a weary looking doctor. The moment of calm they had been basking in was shattered. It was if some spell had been cast upon them for one precious second, and then broken. Quatre backed away from Trowa, and curled up near the head of the bed. The taller boy watched him with forlorn eyes, his fingers itching to reach out and pull him back to their embrace. But he could sense Quatre's fear. It was the same way the lions acted when a stranger wandered too close to them. They became wary, and had to be handled with the utmost of caution. The doctor however seemed oblivious to Quatre's ill disguised distress. He approached the bed, his clipboard in hand.
"Mr. Winner?", he asked, finally looking up. "How are feeling today? Any aches or pains?"
Quatre shook his head. "No. Well.. no new ones anyway."
"Good. Now, if your friend here could leave the room for a minute, I need to have a look for myself."
Trowa looked at Quatre, silently conveying that if he wanted him to stay he would. The blonde shook his head, letting him know it was all right to go. Quatre pushed down the tremor of fear at the though of having the doctor examine him. He could do this. He didn't want to depend on Trowa for everything.
"I'll be right outside." Trowa said. And then he exited quietly, pulling the door shut behind him.
Trowa paced along the hallway, tracing a path back in forth in front of Quatre's door. He heard a cry from inside, followed by the sound of something crashing to the floor. He flew to the door, slamming it open, terror ripping through him. Quatre was huddled in the corner of the room shaking. He turned towards Trowa, and the brunette saw blind panic clear in his sea colored eyes. Quatre's IV stand had fallen over, and was lying on its side on the floor. The doctor was staring at the scene in total shock. He moved around the bed, and attempted to get near Quatre.
"Mr. Winner I just need to examine you. If you cooperate it will all be over before you know it."
Quatre wrapped his arms around himself, curling into a tight little ball. // cooperate and it will all be over. cooperate and it will all be over. cooperate and it will all be over. "Now get up on the bed, and spread your legs like the good little slut you are."//
The Arabian whimpered softly, his eyes glazing over, but he stood up. He reached behind him, and undid the fastenings of his hospital gown. The thin fabric slid off his body and puddled at his feet. He stood there waiting. Waiting for the pain, the soul searing hurt he knew was coming. The doctor just stared at his exposed body, completely baffled. He tried to move closer, but in a flash Trowa crossed the room and placed himself in front of the trembling blonde.
"Leave us," the taller boy's voice was deathly calm, not betraying the plethora of emotions building inside him. Anger, fear, guilt, shame, they all compiled inside his mind, all screamed at him.
The doctor hesitated, looking between the two of them. He didn't understand why the Winner boy was acting so strangely, but the way the green eyed boy was glaring at him he decided now was not the time to figure it out. He left the two of them alone, closing the door behind him.
Trowa turned to Quatre, his movement slow, and calm. He knelt before the blonde, and picked up his hospital gown.
"Quatre. I'm going to help you put this back on, all right?"
Quatre shook harder.
"I'm not going to hurt you Quatre. I just want to help you get dressed. Is that ok? Would you rather I left, and you could dress yourself?"
Quatre didn't answer, he just looked at Trowa with frightened, unseeing eyes. The brunette took one of the blonde's hands, and lifted it up to pull it through the gown. Quatre flinched violently, and Trowa's soul cried for him. But, he knew that breaking down was not an option now. He slid Quatre's other arm through the gown, and fastened it back. then he moved back, giving Quatre plenty of space. The blonde watched him, his eyes never leaving Trowa.
Trowa knelt again, and picked up the blonde's fallen IV stand. He righted it, and moved back further. He retreated to the other side of the bed, trying to be as non threatening as possible. He raised his hands up, letting Quatre see them. Letting the blonde know he was vulnerable, and meant no harm. The Arabian began to calm slightly, his body shaking less, but still slightly quaky.
"It's all right Quatre. It's just me, Trowa. I'm not going to hurt you."
Quatre didn't move or speak, he just stood there, staring at Trowa. The green eyed boy sighed to himself. He so wanted to reach out to his beloved, but he had no idea how. And he had no clue if what he was doing was helping, or making things worse.
"I'll leave you alone Quatre. But I'll be right outside if you need me, all right?"
Still getting no response, Trowa turned and headed for the door.
"I know."
The brunette turned, surprised that the blonde had spoken. "You know?"
Quatre shook his head, his eyebrows furrowed. "I mean.. I know you won't.. hurt me."
Trowa smiled. It wasn't much, but it was something. "Would you like me to help you get into bed?"
"No," Quatre said quietly. "I can manage it on my own."
Trowa nodded, and let himself out, quietly shutting the door behind him. Quatre, still badly shaken crawled back into his bed, and pull the meager blankets over his body. He didn't really want to fall asleep. You were vulnerable then, people could take advantage of you. But he remembered that Trowa was right outside, and that offered him a bit of comfort. He curled up around himself, and eventually fell into a fitful slumber.
* * *
Trowa tried to get comfortable on the hard chair outside Quatre's room. He hadn't been sleeping much at all. He found it hard to fully rest after everything that had happened. But Quatre needed to be alone right now, and Heero was asleep, as was Iria. Rashid had invited him down to the cafeteria, but Trowa had declined. He was still wary of being too far from Quatre. The green eyed boy shifted in the archaic, plastic torture device that the hospital called furniture. There was no way he could have slept in it under normal circumstances. But his body was exhausted, and before he knew it he was drifting off to sleep. It was then that the dreams started.
The room was dark, murky almost. Like he was seeing it through cloudy water. Trowa looked down and saw that he was kneeling. Quatre was lying prone, his body flat on his back, his blonde head inches from Trowa's knees. Trowa saw that Quatre's hands were pinned down by his own. His pale, slender arms stretched over his head. Then Wufei was there. He was on top of Quatre, hurting him. Trowa tried to move, to free Quatre, to stop Wufei. But his hands wouldn't move. They kept Quatre held fast. The blonde was crying bloody tears. They ran down his face, leaving crimson trails on the fair skin. Trowa struggled, but he couldn't make his body move. He tried to apologize to Quatre, but he was stopped short when the blonde looked at him. Quatre smiled up at him, and mouthed the words I love you. The taller boy felt sickened. Here he was holding Quatre down, and all the blonde could do was offer him love. Trowa had never felt so helpless. He couldn't do anything to prevent this. Just the opposite in fact, he was helping Wufei. And Quatre just kept smiling, and saying he loved him. Trowa started screaming. Soundless wails that had no effect on what was happening in front of him. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop it..
Rashid stood before Trowa, shaking the boy, trying to awake him. He had come up here to tell Trowa to go get some rest, he would take a turn watching Master Quatre. At first he had been glad to see the tall boy sleeping, but as he neared he saw him turning fretfully in the chair. The older man could tell that he was having nightmares of some sort. He grabbed the boy's shoulders, and began to shake. It was a few moments before Trowa started to awaken. But even after he was awake the dream refused to leave him. He could still see everything vividly, like it was playing out before his eyes. It was all that Wufei had blamed him of, and more. Trowa shivered, the ever present feeling of helplessness weighing him down further. Rashid watched him with worried eyes.
"Master Trowa are you all right? Perhaps we should find you a bed to sleep in. I can take over watching Master Quatre.." Rashid trailed off as Trowa bolted out of the chair, and into Quatre's room.
The tall boy heaved a sigh of relief when he saw Quatre still there, and sleeping peacefully. Trowa rushed to the bedside. Tentatively he reached out and touched the fair skin of the boy's cheeks. He ran his fingers over the smooth skin, and then moved up to caress Quatre's golden hair. The brunette was still shaken from his dream. But touching Quatre, knowing he was safe, helped alleviate his fears. He sunk into the chair by the bed, and laid his head on the bed beside the blonde. Quatre was fine. Quatre was fine. His heart was still pounding from his dreams, but being near Quatre was soothing him. Both of Trowa's hands wrapped around one of Quatre's. His green eyes slid shut, as he started to calm. He was here, nothing would hurt Quatre while he was here. He would protect him.
Rashid gave Trowa a few minutes, and then followed him into the room. "Master Trowa," he whispered. But he stopped as he saw that Trowa was already asleep again. With a small smile he left the room, closing the door silently on the two boys.
* * *
Quatre awoke, still a little shaken from earlier, and saw Trowa's head resting against his leg. And felt the way the green eyed boy was tightly clasping his hand. He watched the brunette for a few long moments. His mind was in turmoil over the feeling the taller boy caused him. He knew he loved Trowa. That was never debated. And he knew that Trowa loved him back. What little of him there was left to love. And therein lied the problem. What if he chained Trowa to himself for a lifetime, and he was never able to be the person he once was? Trowa though he was so perfect, still that same Quatre that he had first met. But he had changed so drastically. And there was no way he could go back to being the Quatre he once knew. He might never be able to have a true relationship, something that Trowa deserved. But he wanted Trowa so much. He couldn't bear to think of a lifetime without him. But was that fair? To ask Trowa to give up his life?
Trying to distract himself, he turned on the little TV resting high on the opposite wall. As the small screen came into focus it was filled with live broadcasts, and live pictures of a huge mobile suit battle. And then the news anchor said one sentence that sent Quatre into total shock. He jerked straight up in the bed.
"Trowa!"
Instantly the taller boy was wide awake on his feet. He looked frantically around the room, trying to find whatever it was that had frightened Quatre. But they were the only ones in the room. He turned his blurry eyes to the blonde. Quatre pointed to the television. Confused, Trowa turned to see what was going on.
"..I repeat, the war that has been raging in outer space for the past 3 days is over. The earth, and colony delegates are now meeting to discuss peace.."
The news anchor kept talking, but neither boy heard him. They turned to face each other. For one brief instant everything bad that had happened was forgotten.
Quatre smiled, really smiled, and impulsively moved to wrap his arms around Trowa's neck. "Peace, Trowa! No more fighting!"
The next thing Trowa knew Quatre was in his arms; hugging him tightly. The green eyed boy was in a state of shock. First peace, and now Quatre was hugging him. He couldn't decide which was better. Slowly, tentatively, he returned the embrace, winding his arms around Quatre's slender body. He hugged Quatre back lightly, not wanting to scare him. For better or worse, this was where he belonged.
The TV droned on, disregarded in the background. They lost themselves in the other's hold. It was chaste, and sweet. It was joy, and relief, and a lifetime of worry all released. Neither thought about what it meant or the consequences it might have. For this moment, all that mattered was that they were together.
Iria popped her head into the room smiling brightly. One would hardly have known the horror she had recently lived through. But it was there, lurking just under the surface of her fixed on grin. But she knew that for all she had seen, Quatre had *lived* worse. And she vowed to put on a happy face for him. When they parted then she could work on her own demons. But for now she would give her brother the closest thing to normal that she could. And seeing her brother, and Trowa hugging actually put a real smile on her face.
"What's the good news?", she asked, as she limped slightly into the room. Having been confined for so long her legs were still a little weak. It annoyed her to no end, but she was slowly overcoming it.
Upon hearing her, Quatre broke his embrace with Trowa, and moved away. He was surprised that he had been touching Trowa so closely in the first place. And.. and hugging him like that. He hadn't really thought about it. He had been so excited, and happy, it seemed natural to want to share that with the green eyed boy. But it bothered him. He didn't like to be touched, and yet his first instinct had been to wrap his arms around Trowa. Quatre was confused. On the one hand he didn't want anyone to touch him. And on the other he wanted to be close to Trowa. The conflicting wants made him uneasy, so he shifted further away, hoping the distance would help.
Trowa smiled softly at him, his eyes understanding. Truthfully he didn't understand. One minute Quatre didn't want him near him, and the next the blonde was kissing him. But he figured Quatre was more confused than he was so he let it go. They had time now to sort it all out. If the Arabian wanted a bit of space then he would give it. The last thing he wanted was for Quatre to be uncomfortable around him.
Trowa turned to Iria, "The war is over. We were celebrating."
Iria's mouth dropped open. "Just like that? It's all over?" She was beaming at them, for all outward appearances she looked to be extremely lighthearted.
Trowa looked at Iria, confused at her too happy attitude. She was acting like nothing was wrong. Everyone was else was always so somber, but she was all smiles. He didn't know if she was trying to pretend nothing had happened, or perhaps if this was her way of dealing with it. She caught his eyes, and he could see it then. The pain deep in their depths. It was then he understood what she was doing. She was trying to be brave for Quatre. Giving him some time to just be normal, and forget the past. He decided to play along. Quatre deserved a few minutes of freedom from everything.
Trowa nodded, a mock frown appearing on his face. "And they did it all without our help. I didn't even get to blow anything up. I feel useless."
The older woman rolled her eyes, "God save me from male pride, and the macho need to make things go boom."
Trowa sat down, pretending to pout. "But that's all I'm good at."
Iria sat on his lap and gave him a come hither look. "I'm sure you're good at a lot things," she purred. "I'm right down the hall if you'd like to show me."
Quatre was staring at her in disbelief, "IRIA!"
The blonde woman laughed, "Just teasing you, Quatre. Besides, Rashid is coming by later, and I'm not strong enough to take on both of them. Yet..," she winked at Trowa.
Quatre's cheeks were stained red. His sister did not just insinuate that her and Rashid.. He shook his head. She was always teasing him. Like the time he was twelve and she had told him that she was sleeping with their butler. The man had been eighty if he was a day. She had started to tell him that the man had lost none of his virility with age, but Quatre had been so embarrassed that he had fled. Later she told him it was a joke, but he never looked at the old butler the same. It comforted him to know that some things never changed.
Iria got up of Trowa's lap, and moved to sit on the bed. "So what are you going to do now that the war is over?"
Quatre looked at her, his eyes unsure. "I don't know.. I never thought.." He trailed off as his thoughts turned. He had never thought he would survive Wufei. The war had been far from his worries.
Iria and Trowa could see the change in Quatre's mood, and it worried both of them. But they both tried not to let it show.
"Well," she said, trying to lighten the mood back up, "maybe you guys should take a vacation. You certainly could use some sun, Quatre the friendly ghost."
Quatre crossed his arms over his chest, indignant over the nickname. " I am *not* that pale!"
Iria laughed, "ok, Casper."
The blonde boy looked imploringly at the brunette, "Trowa! Make her stop."
Trowa smiled, his heart swelling when Quatre called on him to defend him. "Quatre is perfect just as is. Besides, I like his fair skin. It looks so adorable when he blushes."
At that, the blonde did blush. And Trowa had further endeared himself to Iria.
"Fine, " she said, faking annoyance, "call your boyfriend in to attack me."
"Would you rather I called Rashid?", Quatre asked.
Iria grinned wickedly, "Yes! And hopefully he attacks below the belt"
Quatre hit her with his pillow. "I did *not* just hear that.You are sick."
She looked thoughtful, "Maybe he and I can play doctor then. We are in the right place.."
A nurse walked into the room, putting a stop to whatever Iria was planning to say next. Quatre was grateful for the intrusion. She changed his IV bag, taking down the old one, and replacing it with one that was full.
Then she turned to Trowa and Iria, and began to shoo them from the room. "Out you two, he needs some more rest."
Quatre sighed. All he ever did was rest. He turned a pitiful look to Iria, begging her to stay.
"Nice try little brother, but you heard her." She turned to Trowa, "Will you help a wounded old lady back to her room?"
Trowa eyed Iria, "You aren't old. And even wounded, I bet you could still kick my ass."
Iria laughed, her eyes regaining some of their old sparkle, "Damn right!", she leaned over to Quatre, and whispered loudly enough for Trowa to hear, "You'd better snatch him up quick, baby brother, or else we might have to fight for him."
Trowa shook his head, and smiled. "Sorry, I only want the male Winner."
Iria sighed dramatically, "Ah, well. You can't blame a girl for trying. I wonder what Rashid is doing?"
Quatre's eyes went wide as saucers.
Iria laughed, "Just kidding Quatre. Maybe.."
Trowa took her arm, and helped her from the room. They closed the door behind them.
Inside the room Quatre let his mind wander back to when he had been younger. The short time with Iria had been like the old days. She had loved to tease him. Often she would say shocking things just to make him blush. He missed those times between them. He missed her laughter, and that evil glint her eyes got right before she said something outrageous. For a few precious moments he had known that feeling again. Today had been almost like that, with the addition of Trowa. It was a little startling how well his sister and Trowa got along. The brunette was usually reserved, but he and Iria really seemed to be comfortable around each other.
It was puzzling to Quatre. He couldn't figure out how they had gotten so close in so short a time. He wasn't aware of it, but they were. They shared one special, common bond. Their absolute love for him. And that drew them together tighter than anything else could.
Outside the room Iria's mood quickly changed from laughing to somber, "Did you mean what you said? About Quatre?"
Trowa nodded solemnly.
Iria examined him closely, looking for any doubts. She was surprised to find none, "You really do love my brother."
Again, Trowa nodded, not really trusting his voice.
Iria continued, "And you understand what that means? You know what happened, and that it will be a very long time before he heals. If he ever does.."
"I know all that, and it doesn't change what I feel. I want him for all that he is--even his pain. I don't want perfection, that's a dream. I want the real thing. And even if he never wants me back, even if all we ever are is friends, then that will be enough for me. Because.. I love him, and his happiness means more to me than my own."
Iria's eyes were soft. She could truly feel just how much this boy cared for her brother. "When he was younger, there was a house we used to vacation at. It's here on earth, right by the sea." Her tone was wistful, as she remembered days gone by. "Quatre loved the sea. It fascinated him to no end. Even on the worst days, he told me he thought of it, and it brought him solace." She had to wipe her eyes, before she could look at Trowa again. "Take him there, please. Take him there, and help him heal."
"How.. how will I find it?"
Iria waved her hand. She felt bad that she was pushing her brother's healing off on someone else. But she knew that right now she wouldn't be able to take care of him and herself. Finding this house for him would be the least she could do. "I think we still own it. I'll take care of everything, you just get him there. I'd go with you, but I'd only be in the way. Besides..I need my own time to heal."
Trowa's eyes filled with dread, "Wufei didn't.."
Iria shook her head quickly, "No. He never touched me, not like that. But still, it was terrible. And then finding out what he did to Quatre.. hearing what went on before you got there.." Her eyes were haunted. "I just.. I need time."
"I understand."
Trowa helped her back to her room. Or, more correctly he followed behind her, since she refused help. Rashid was there, waiting for her to return. Iria motioned to the large man, and winked at Trowa. The brunette shook his head, but found he couldn't look Rashid in the eyes. Once he saw she was settled in he went back to Quatre. The blonde was tucked under the blankets, staring off into space. He had changed out of his hospital gown, and into some soft pajamas that Rashid had purchased for him.
"Not tired?", he asked as he took his customary seat next to the bed.
Quatre shook his head, "Not really. Just wondering what I will do when I leave here. I never really thought about it.."
"Well.. Iria mentioned something about the beach. Maybe we could go there." Trowa spoke carefully, not wanting to spook Quatre. He didn't know how the blonde boy felt about them living together. Not that he was planning to let the blonde out of his sight. Even if that meant his camping in the dunes.
But at the mention of the word beach he could see something change in Quatre's eyes. Their blue green depths shifted, as memories rose to the surface. They must have been good memories though, because Quatre had this look on his face that could be only be caused by thinking back on something good.
"Yes, " the blonde whispered. "I would like that."
Trowa was still a little worried. "And it would be all right with you if I came along?"
Quatre looked panicked for a minute. Live with Trowa? Was he ready for that? Seeing him day in and day out? He still wasn't sure how he felt about the taller boy. He knew that he loved him deep down in his heart, but he didn't know if he would ever be able to give that love to Trowa fully. And being around him was so confusing. One minute he wanted to run, and the next he wanted to be wrapped in his arms. And living with him would only intensify things. But the thought of living without him was worse. The idea that Trowa might leave, and not come back frightened him. That still didn't make the decision easy. And what about Heero? The Japanese boy had been in the back of Quatre's mind. They couldn't just leave him. Heero needed time to heal as much as they did.
"Yes, " he answered shakily. "And I think we should invite Heero as well."
Trowa was surprised, but he covered it quickly. But when he thought about for a moment he actually thought that was a good idea. Heero, like them, didn't have anywhere to go. And he too needed a place, and time to heal. And maybe between the three of them they could work out everything. After all, they had all been through this together.
"I think that is an excellent idea, Quatre" he said softly. "I'll talk to him later."
Quatre turned to him, a little hesitant. "Would you mind if I went? I'd like to talk with him anyway.
Trowa looked at him closely, sensing the worry. He had an idea of what Quare wanted to talk about. "There's plenty of time to worry about the past, Quatre. The things we can't change. It takes time. We have that now."
"But.. there are things that he doesn't know.. Things I need to tell him."
"He knows, Quatre." Trowa looked at him pointedly. "Wufei told us everything... about that first night. And.. other times, as well." He stumbled over the words, knowing as hard as it was to say them it was just as hard to hear them. None of them wanted to remember any of what had happened. And yet it would always be engraved in their memories.
"So he knows.." The blonde's voice dropped until it was barely audible, "about Duo?"
Trowa nodded. Quatre bowed his head. He had planned on telling Heero, one day. But he had never wanted him to find out like this. Quatre could have softened the blow. But he was sure Wufei hadn't. The Chinese boy had told them everything, each detail described with perfect clarity. His heart went out to Heero, for having suffered so much.
The blonde pushed the covers away and stood. "I need to go talk with him."
Trowa shook his head. "It can wait until we've all had time to think. Everything it too fresh."
"No, Trowa. I have to do this. Please don't stand in my way."
The brunette wavered. He couldn't forcibly hold Quatre back if the boy wanted to go. But at the same time he didn't think was a good idea. Both Heero and Quatre had been through so much. These last few weeks, and even the months leading up to them had been so awful for the two of them. He didn't think either was ready to relive all of that just yet.
"Trowa, please. I don't want to deal with everything all in one day. But I won't feel right until I at least talk to him."
Trowa sighed. But he couldn't bring himself to deny Quatre anything. He knew that the blonde wanted his approval. And he had faith that Quatre knew what he was getting into. All he could do was hope that their talk didn't destroy either of them.
"All right, Quatre. I trust that you know what you're doing. Come on, I'll walk you there."
"No, I'd like to go by myself. This is something Heero and I need to talk about alone."
Trowa opened his mouth to disagree, but closed it. He didn't understand why, but this was something Quatre felt he had to do. But it pleased him to see Quatre wanting to venture out. This wasn't exactly the situation he was hoping for, but it looked to be a step in a positive direction. Quatre was trying to stand on his own, and Trowa decided he should let him.
"I'll be waiting here for you then."
Quatre halfheartedly smiled at him, and left, dragging his IV stand with him. Trowa watched him go, his heart heavy. He hoped he hadn't just made a huge mistake.
Go to Part 12b!!!
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